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post #1 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 12:03 AM Thread Starter
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Need help asap

I have been married less than a year. We got married when I was 25 and he was 26. I know this man is my soul mate and I love him. However, lately I've seen some red flags. Just within the last two months he has very obviously checked my girl friends out when we were at a small house get together. The last time he did it it was so obvious everyone noticed. Then after eyeing them up and down he starts ignoring me and following the girl around like a puppy dog. Another time we were all goofing off telling random stories with the same group of friends and he starts going off bragging about all the prostitutes he has slept with. It was embarrassing, gross, and made me feel like ****. I know about it but it's not something I've really dealt with. It was in his past and we all do really dumb things in our past....but don't brag about it in front of me. I thought going into marriage you get the man you married, not the man you want him to become. I thought we were suppose to grow but grow together. Now it seems like he has changed so much and growing in an opposite direction than me. I don't know what to do. We have talked about it, but there is no conclusion. Do I hope it gets better? Do I wait to see if he is actually going to go from looking to touching? We haven't even celebrated our first anniversary. I'm lost and have no guidance. Please help!

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post #2 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 05:59 AM
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Re: Need help asap

He is finally showing you the real him. All the past behavior was to get you to close the deal. You are now married and he is feeling secured enough to revert back to himself.

I believe when people show you who they are, believe them.

Now that you are newly married with no kids yet, you have to decide if this is the kind of person you want to stay married to. Because you don't have that much vest as yet, the decision should be easier to make. You only have to consider your wants and needs.
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post #3 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 09:20 AM Thread Starter
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The last thing I would want is a divorce. I feel like we can make it work. And he agreed to go to counseling. My biggest worry though, is he will agree and apologize and all that...then the next day he acts like everything's normal. How did I get him to realize it's not a game. He needs to change or else something drastic will have to happen?
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post #4 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 09:30 AM
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Re: Need help asap

NO. NO. NO. The last thing you want is kids with this man. Here is what you do:

1) Maintain your financial independence.
2) Do not get pregnant.
3) Get checked for STDs.

BTW, we are not kidding about #3. Sorry.
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post #5 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 09:54 AM
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Re: Need help asap

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Originally Posted by Moosriel View Post
The last thing I would want is a divorce. I feel like we can make it work. And he agreed to go to counseling. My biggest worry though, is he will agree and apologize and all that...then the next day he acts like everything's normal. How did I get him to realize it's not a game. He needs to change or else something drastic will have to happen?
of course, no ones want to divorce. The thing is you have to realize that he might not change. And if he does not change what will be the consequences??

By all means attend MC and work out whatever issues you are having. But I bet he is going to turn it around and put the burden on you. He is going to say you are seeing things that are not true. That it's all in your head and you just like drama and is jealous. If this is his answers to your problems then, you have a very long and rough road ahead. The question is do you want to keep walking and is it worth the trip?

Inform him that you both need MC and he need IC for his wondering eyes and destructive behavior.

Best of luck.
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post #6 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 10:35 AM
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Re: Need help asap

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Originally Posted by brooklynAnn View Post
of course, no ones want to divorce. The thing is you have to realize that he might not change. And if he does not change what will be the consequences??

By all means attend MC and work out whatever issues you are having. But I bet he is going to turn it around and put the burden on you. He is going to say you are seeing things that are not true. That it's all in your head and you just like drama and is jealous. If this is his answers to your problems then, you have a very long and rough road ahead. The question is do you want to keep walking and is it worth the trip?

Inform him that you both need MC and he need IC for his wondering eyes and destructive behavior.

Best of luck.
I agree with everything @brooklynAnn said here. People don't change unless they want to. I this something you're willing to put up with for the REST of your life? Because I don't think this is going to change permanently. He clearly doesn't give a rat's ass about your feelings and your needs. There are better men out there than this, and you deserve better than this kind of treatment.

Maybe these issues can be fixed in MC/therapy. I know that's what you would like, to avoid divorce. But what if, as @brooklynAnn suggests, they cannot be fixed? What then? You need to have a plan B.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #7 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 10:54 AM
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Re: Need help asap

You do know that lots of sex with prostitutes is a huge red flag and should have probably been a deal breaker for you on the marriage thing. Now you're seeing why.

Do the counseling.
DON'T get pregnant
Think about how much you want to stay married, but remember that what you want has nothing to do with what he wants, and you have zero control over him. Both of you must want the marriage, and work at maintaining it.

I'd really keep thinking long and hard about if it's even possible to have a marriage with him. You sound like you want monogamy and I suspect he's not really into it.
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post #8 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 11:08 AM
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Re: Need help asap

What he is doing isn't right and is a bit creepy. He may have some real underlying issues going on or just hasn't quite settled into what is expected of him as a H. The marriage is still pretty fresh and there is a period of adjustment where most men, who are into their wives, will settle into what is expected. You need to make it clear though.

Message to your new husband:

"When you do that stuff...(whatever it is that he does)...it's extremely hurtful and disrespectful to me and makes me question whether you are truly committed to me, that you really care about me and my feelings and that I can trust you. All of which are extreme important to me in marriage.

If that is just the way you are and the way you want to be then I don't think we can be together.

Think about it and let me know how you want to proceed."

Then proceed with caution and observe...very closely!

I'm 50/50 on whether he is just an a$$ that needs to be straightened out or he has some underlying things going on that you just don't know about yet.

We have heard some horror stories on here, where guys were able to keep hookers and craigslist hook-ups secret for years under their wife's nose. So what you just saw may just be the tip of the iceberg. Do you have access to his phone? His finances?
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post #9 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 11:13 AM
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Re: Need help asap

Does a soul mate ignore your hurt, disrespect you, have different values, and make you feel like cr^p? I think the answer is no. This guy isn't your soul mate.
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post #10 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 01:25 PM
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Re: Need help asap

Yikes! It's just a matter of time before the wandering eyes become wandering hands. Keep going to MC. You may be dealing with someone that isn't capable of being monogamous.

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post #11 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 01:52 PM Thread Starter
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It's just so hard to even contemplate that I could have messed up so badly by choosing the wrong man. I thought I broke the cycle of the women in our family marring a$$holes that we are suppose to turn a blind eye to whenever they cheat. So to really contemplate that I'm just repeating a cycle. That at 25 I could be divorced. To realized I messed up big time. It's overwhelming. Until we go to counceling do I go on acting normal? We've talked and he seems to get it, but he seemed to get it last time and then did it again.
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post #12 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 02:01 PM Thread Starter
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Could part of it be his immaturity? Or low self confidence? Could there be another reason other than he's an a$$?
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post #13 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 02:10 PM
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Re: Need help asap

Counseling services will help you figure these things out. They will also help him to learn what is acceptable and what is not...as well as teach you to enforce boundaries....normal healthy boundaries.

The first year of marriage (hell, pretty much now too), i spend most of my free time either getting into my wifes pants...or planning to get into her pants..not flirting with her friends...and the "Bragging" about pros....thats justjust wierd. Who the hell does that???

Was he kinda starnge beforeyou got married?
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Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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post #14 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 02:42 PM Thread Starter
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Not at all. He was the sweetest and nicest guy. He tries so hard to make me happy, that's why this is all a bit of a shock. I was hoping after getting outside opinions it would be more of a normal thing and me just being too dramatic.
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post #15 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 02:58 PM
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Re: Need help asap

Nope...not normal.

Was this sudden? Can you remember anything happening that could have affected him?
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Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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