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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 08-17-2016, 12:28 PM Thread Starter
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Wife cannot overcome my past relationship

We have been married for 1.5 years. We have had good moments and enjoy most things together. But my wife goes absolutely berserk and crazy every once in a while, because I had a 12 year long relationship with another girl, prior to our marriage. I had revealed the relationship before my marriage, and always stressed that it was not good. That part is absolutely true. It was mostly long distance, with hardly 2 years together in same place. There was no sex involved. And the only reason the relationship lasted 12 years was because I was very very persistent, and thought things may work out. It did not and the earlier relationship died a natural death. Yet, my wife feels I did not reveal the best moments of my past relationship, and she absolutely hates me for this. My commitment to marriage has been 100%, I dont even think about the past relationship, since I have been married. In fact, my last contact with my earlier girlfriend was 3 years prior to me getting married, even though I was guilty of stealing a glance once in a while at her facebook profile, till my marriage.
Now I cant bear to see this crazy wild abusive side of my wife, which is persistently pulling our marriage down. I always felt that since I am over my earlier relationship, and it does not remotely impact my current life, this would be a non-issue. Sadly, it is a huge issue! It has brought our marriage to the brink of divorce. I do not know how to pacify my wife. My wife wants me to get in touch with my ex and spoil her life, even in a small way if possible, so that my wife can be sure I am over her.

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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 08-17-2016, 12:42 PM
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Re: Wife cannot overcome my past relationship

Retroactive Jealousy.

It's her problem, not yours.

Mind you, this is how I would deal with the situation...

Wife, I will not tolerate the abusive behavior concerning a long dead, past relationship I had that ended 3 years prior to my marrying you. You can ask me questions you may have and I will answer honestly. If it becomes an abusive conversation I will end the conversation immediately and will not reengage until there is respectful and considerate conversation.

This conversation once ended will not be rehashed or brought up again. If you difficulties in dealing with my answers now is the time to ask for clarification.

We can't keep going around in circles it is bringing the relationship we have down and stressing our marriage. I am with you because I chose to be with you and only you. I'm am here in this relationship and marriage with you because I want to be.

If you are still having difficulty I am open to counselling sessions with a neutral, unbiased professional if that's what you need.
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Of course, everyone deals with situations differently. Just my take on it. I, myself, have absolutely no tolerance or patience for abusiveness in relationships. I draw a very hard line when it comes to being treated poorly. I'm worth more than that and so are you.

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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 08-17-2016, 12:53 PM
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Re: Wife cannot overcome my past relationship

Before you deem this her problem, let me ask you for a little more info.

Do you talk about your ex? If so stop.....my hb used to talk about exes and it made me feel like his mind was there and not here with me.

If not, how does it come up? Does your wife just bring her up out of nowhere? That would be odd but I suppose not impossible.
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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 08-17-2016, 01:03 PM
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Re: Wife cannot overcome my past relationship

It sounds like some kind of mental illness. I would suggest she seek counseling, otherwise divorce may be your only way to resolve this mess.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 08-17-2016, 01:12 PM
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Re: Wife cannot overcome my past relationship

I'm the opposite, I don't want to know what my H did in previous relationships nor to I really care.

Is she wanting to know every detail? Did she have any relationships before you?if so hound her about them and act like her so she can see how it makes you feel.



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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 08-17-2016, 01:18 PM
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Re: Wife cannot overcome my past relationship

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Before you deem this her problem, let me ask you for a little more info.

Do you talk about your ex? If so stop.....my hb used to talk about exes and it made me feel like his mind was there and not here with me.

If not, how does it come up? Does your wife just bring her up out of nowhere? That would be odd but I suppose not impossible.
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It is her problem. He states he ended the contact 3 years prior to his marriage to his wife. That she brings it up and the fact she wants him to contact the ex to somehow ruin her life is her problem.

Retroactive Jealousy.

One does not demand a spouse to contact an ex just to somehow ruin their life.

She has insecurities and jealousy problems. Those problems are hers.

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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 08-17-2016, 01:49 PM
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Re: Wife cannot overcome my past relationship

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Originally Posted by CantePe View Post
It is her problem. He states he ended the contact 3 years prior to his marriage to his wife. That she brings it up and the fact she wants him to contact the ex to somehow ruin her life is her problem.

Retroactive Jealousy.

One does not demand a spouse to contact an ex just to somehow ruin their life.

She has insecurities and jealousy problems. Those problems are hers.

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Well that could certainly be. I just think it's a mistake to accept at face value a drama filled post that paints the unrepresented spouse as a crazy and the represented spouse as a blameless victim, as that is seldom the case.

I don't think the advice will be helpful without understanding the dynamic a little better.

My hb didn't have any contact with exes when he was running his mouth about them. Op has not addressed whether he brings it up.....if so that could be a factor.

If I talked a lot about some ex I think it would be crappy to tell my hb that it's his problem if it bothered him, even if I didn't have contact with said ex. Would you be ok with your wife going on about exes?

You are certainly free to handle your own relationship as you see fit.
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 08:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife cannot overcome my past relationship

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Well that could certainly be. I just think it's a mistake to accept at face value a drama filled post that paints the unrepresented spouse as a crazy and the represented spouse as a blameless victim, as that is seldom the case.

I don't think the advice will be helpful without understanding the dynamic a little better.

My hb didn't have any contact with exes when he was running his mouth about them. Op has not addressed whether he brings it up.....if so that could be a factor.

If I talked a lot about some ex I think it would be crappy to tell my hb that it's his problem if it bothered him, even if I didn't have contact with said ex. Would you be ok with your wife going on about exes?

You are certainly free to handle your own relationship as you see fit.
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Just sharing - I do not think of my ex. As I said, the relationship ended about 3 years before marriage (about 5 years from today). And I definitely do not talk of my ex. How does this issue come up? - yesterday it came up when there was a movie scene (Spiderman 3) in which the girl gets upset because the guy kisses some other random girl. Earlier, it came up when I was saying a song is just perfect, and my wife correlated that song to the time I was in the earlier relationship.

My wife will not share here, but to be fair, I will speak on her behalf as well. She feels cheated that I did not inform her fully that there were good moments in my past relationship. Now that she is married, she feels trapped. She would have avoided me, if she had known everything. Also I kept on checking out facebook profile of my ex, even when I was going out with my wife, before marriage. I have not done that since I got married.
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 09:13 AM
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Re: Wife cannot overcome my past relationship

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Originally Posted by shadishuda View Post
Now I cant bear to see this crazy wild abusive side of my wife, which is persistently pulling our marriage down.
Do you mind further expounding on this?
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 10:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife cannot overcome my past relationship

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Do you mind further expounding on this?
Well she constantly keeps shouting at me, that why I brought this on her? Why did I do this? At some point, I start avoiding her, and she starts shouting at top of voice! She tries to hurt my feelings during such times as well.

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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 10:29 AM
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Re: Wife cannot overcome my past relationship

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Originally Posted by shadishuda View Post
Well she constantly keeps shouting at me, that why I brought this on her? Why did I do this? At some point, I start avoiding her, and she starts shouting at top of voice! She tries to hurt my feelings during such times as well.
There is good advice, but it depends on your ability to manage your emotions. There is hurt that underlies this redirected negativity. If you can get her to reveal it, the problem is very resolvable.
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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 11:00 AM
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Re: Wife cannot overcome my past relationship

Ok, thanks for sharing more details.

I think what's going on is your wife feels you really wanted your ex and settled for her because your ex didn't want you.

Think about it: you spent 12 years pursuing someone you claim you didn't even have sex with. That suggests a pretty big attachment. Then you were still following her profile while dating your wife, which according to you was 3 years after things ended. That would suggest you were not over her and settled for your wife because she was willing.

Imagine how this makes her feel.....nobody likes to feel like a consolation prize.

It does sound like her reactions are extreme, but I think it will help you to understand what's driving her.

And it will help you address it.

Your wife needs to feel like if you had the opportunity to choose your ex right now you wouldn't.

Tell your wife that she is the center of your world and nobody compares. Then ask her what she needs from you to feel like this.

Add that your ex is over and done with and you're not contacting her because she's not relevant to your world.

Be sympathetic but keep your boundaries. You might even consider some couples counseling.
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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 11:05 AM
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Re: Wife cannot overcome my past relationship

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Originally Posted by shadishuda View Post
My wife will not share here, but to be fair, I will speak on her behalf as well. She feels cheated that I did not inform her fully that there were good moments in my past relationship. Now that she is married, she feels trapped. She would have avoided me, if she had known everything. Also I kept on checking out facebook profile of my ex, even when I was going out with my wife, before marriage. I have not done that since I got married.
Does your wife know that you were checking your ex's facebook page up until you married? I could see how that would be a red flag that you were still interested in her even 3 years after you broke up, and throughout the entire time you were dating your now-wife.

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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 11:12 AM
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Re: Wife cannot overcome my past relationship

My wife will not share here, but to be fair, I will speak on her behalf as well. She feels cheated that I did not inform her fully that there were good moments in my past relationship. Now that she is married, she feels trapped. She would have avoided me, if she had known everything. Also I kept on checking out facebook profile of my ex, even when I was going out with my wife, before marriage. I have not done that since I got married.[/QUOTE]

wait just a cotton pickin minute.

this makes no sense. there are almost always good moments in past relationships otherwise they wouldn't endure. what does she expect?
she would have avoided you if she had known there were good moments in your past relationship? and she feels trapped by what exactly? WTF????

this needs elucidation
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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 11:21 AM
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Re: Wife cannot overcome my past relationship

I'd have a little re-dig around her sexual history and the dudes on her Facebook page if I were you.

Sounds like projection to me.
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