I love him but I'm considering leaving. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 03:30 PM Thread Starter
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I love him but I'm considering leaving.

My husband (not officially married but we treat each other like we are married) and I have been together for about 5 years now, we met while in the Navy and ever since our first conversation I knew that he was the man that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. We have a 15 month old daughter and since she was born our relationship has been more of a roommates who sleep in the same bed type of relationship, he loves our daughter so much and is a great father to her. His work keeps him out of state during the week and he comes home for the weekend if they dont need him to work the weekends, it's very difficult but we make it work and his job helps provide for what we need. I am so grateful for everything he does for our family but it seems like he takes me as his wife for granted, I stay home with our daughter and attend school full time, I take care of the house and the chores because I love him and he works hard for us (he does help around the house if I ask him to) and I know that all of this probably has people already saying "he's amazing so just let him be" which is why I'm extremely grateful for what he does for us, but our relationship has become minimal, we havent gone out together on a baby free date since Alex was born, and not for lack of people to watch her for us. He just doesnt make the effort anymore, along with we have only had 3 dates with baby in tow and they were just to the restaurant he likes, even after I've asked to go to a different place. I've talked to him clearly and calmly about wanting us to regain the connection we once had by spending quality time together quite a few times over the past year and there's always an excuse or he guilt trips me to staying home. We have no sex life, in the past year we've been intimate between 3-5 times and he just touched me a little then got in and got out, it wasnt about us being intimate it was more like just doing it so I'd stop bringing it up. I'm in a hard place because I absolutely love him and want us to be together but I'm not getting any effort from him anymore, to him I'm just the maid and nanny, I am 25 years old and I still want to feel affection and that I'm desirable, I'm not sure what I can do to get through to him but I cant keep feeling this way for the rest of my life, I feel that if he doesnt want to take me out, that I should just go out without him, but I'm worried that in doing that will just make him feel worse and pull even farther from me, I'm not sure what I should do, any help would be appreciated.

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 03:57 PM
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Re: I love him but I'm considering leaving.

Hi honey, welcome to the forum.

I have a few questions that might help us help you better.

What is the age difference between you and your boyfriend?
What is the reason you have not legally married?
How was your sex life leading up to having your daughter?
Have you tried planning the dates yourself?
Do you think he could be cheating on you during the week?
Have you ever discussed how high your level of unhappiness is with him, and if you have, what was his reaction?
Also, have you discussed separating, and if so, what was his reaction?

I'm sorry you are here, but we want to help.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 04:50 PM
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Re: I love him but I'm considering leaving.

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Originally Posted by ArtisticMom2 View Post
My husband (not officially married but we treat each other like we are married) and I have been together for about 5 years now, we met while in the Navy and ever since our first conversation I knew that he was the man that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. We have a 15 month old daughter and since she was born our relationship has been more of a roommates who sleep in the same bed type of relationship, he loves our daughter so much and is a great father to her. His work keeps him out of state during the week and he comes home for the weekend if they dont need him to work the weekends, it's very difficult but we make it work and his job helps provide for what we need. I am so grateful for everything he does for our family but it seems like he takes me as his wife for granted, I stay home with our daughter and attend school full time, I take care of the house and the chores because I love him and he works hard for us (he does help around the house if I ask him to) and I know that all of this probably has people already saying "he's amazing so just let him be" which is why I'm extremely grateful for what he does for us, but our relationship has become minimal, we havent gone out together on a baby free date since Alex was born, and not for lack of people to watch her for us. He just doesnt make the effort anymore, along with we have only had 3 dates with baby in tow and they were just to the restaurant he likes, even after I've asked to go to a different place. I've talked to him clearly and calmly about wanting us to regain the connection we once had by spending quality time together quite a few times over the past year and there's always an excuse or he guilt trips me to staying home. We have no sex life, in the past year we've been intimate between 3-5 times and he just touched me a little then got in and got out, it wasnt about us being intimate it was more like just doing it so I'd stop bringing it up. I'm in a hard place because I absolutely love him and want us to be together but I'm not getting any effort from him anymore, to him I'm just the maid and nanny, I am 25 years old and I still want to feel affection and that I'm desirable, I'm not sure what I can do to get through to him but I cant keep feeling this way for the rest of my life, I feel that if he doesnt want to take me out, that I should just go out without him, but I'm worried that in doing that will just make him feel worse and pull even farther from me, I'm not sure what I should do, any help would be appreciated.
Show him ^this^.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 09:40 AM
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Re: I love him but I'm considering leaving.

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
Show him ^this^.
I have to agree with this idea - the first step is to have an open and honest conversation about this. About 25% of men, when asked why they were getting a divorce, said they had no idea because they didn't know anything was wrong in the relationship. It may be that you expressing your concerns (and letting him know that it's gotten to the point where you feel like you might be better off without him) may be enough to turn things around. If you worried about how that conversation would go, you could consider enrolling in one of the self-help programs described on this site. (Full disclosure - we run a free self-help program.)
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