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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 01:35 AM Thread Starter
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A bit confused - need help

So, we've been married for almost 6 years.
We have 2 amazing little boys, I'm a SAHM while he runs a very stressful business.

Marriage was great for the first 3 years. We had our occasional disagreements and fights but nothing too serious and would step right back in as if nothing happened. During my 2nd pregnancy I really felt the pressure. He wasn't supportive, never helped (while I had a child under 2 to deal with as well as a pregnancy), never attended doctor visits, never did chores.
After the baby was born things didn't improve.

I don't feel attracted to him anymore because of his actions, I personally feel depressed and neglected and can't bring myself to loving him when I get nothing in return.

I've suggested game nights, social gatherings, movie nights, daily kisses, scheduled sex, anything I could find online basically but he doesn't follow through.

I don't know how we got to this stage but at the moment we barely talk, there's no affection, we don't go out, don't even eat together.

I'm exhausted, I do it all and he goes to work - which I understand is exhausting but he works 6 days a week by choice and on his only day off he likes to hang around with his family - with us in the background.

I feel alone. I feel I do everything (he won't won't even pick up his own dirty plate or clothes) all with the excuse that he goes to work. I'd love to work but there's no one to take care of OUR boys.

A few nights ago he came on to me, I wasn't feeling it and pushed him away, went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out for half hour, when I got back he was snoring! Since then I've not been able to talk, I've talked so many times and I don't think he realizes there's a deeper issue here.

How to start a conversation? How to get right to the root of it and make him realize that I can't be doing this for much longer??

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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 02:02 AM
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Re: A bit confused - need help

It sounds like you are really upset and for that I am sorry.

I remember the days with two little ones. It's an exhausting time. This one day, it was particularly bad, and when my husband came in from work, I shoved a baby in his arms and said, "I'm leaving, see you in a few hours." I just needed a couple hours away without anyone yanking on me, wallowing on me, crying at me etc. SAHM is quite a stellar career, and not an easy one!!

Do you have any local family or a trusted friend that could watch the boys while you go out on a date? Let your hubby know ahead of time that you need to talk to him about some serious stuff over dinner. This way it is not completely sprung on him out of nowhere. Reach across the table and hold his hands. Tell him how much you love him, appreciate all his hard work to support your family. Say how he is always good at problem solving, and that you have a problem that is weighing you down that you really need his suggestions on. Then lay it all out for him. Pour out your heart. Then work on a plan together.

If you love each other, you can overcome this. Open communication is so massively effective. I hope he hears you, and you start seeing some improvements. Another idea I had while reading your thread is that if he would be willing to not work on Saturdays, you could then get a part time job that day. Then he can spend one full day taking care of the house and kids, and you can have a little taste of freedom.

I wish your family the best!

Ciao,

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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 02:05 AM
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Re: A bit confused - need help

Quote:
Originally Posted by AAS17 View Post
So, we've been married for almost 6 years.
We have 2 amazing little boys, I'm a SAHM while he runs a very stressful business.

Marriage was great for the first 3 years. We had our occasional disagreements and fights but nothing too serious and would step right back in as if nothing happened. During my 2nd pregnancy I really felt the pressure. He wasn't supportive, never helped (while I had a child under 2 to deal with as well as a pregnancy), never attended doctor visits, never did chores.

After the baby was born things didn't improve.
It sounds like the two of you did not adjust your relationship to handle the changes after having two children. It is not usual sadly and leads to exactly what you have going on in your marriage now.
How old are you, your husband and your children?
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Originally Posted by AAS17 View Post
I don't feel attracted to him anymore because of his actions, I personally feel depressed and neglected and can't bring myself to loving him when I get nothing in return.
My bet is that he feels depressed and neglected as well. The two of you live in different worlds right now. This would kill any relationship.
Have you been to see a doctor about your depression? Have you seen an individual counselor to deal with the depression?
Quote:
Originally Posted by AAS17 View Post
I've suggested game nights, social gatherings, movie nights, daily kisses, scheduled sex, anything I could find online basically but he doesn't follow through.
Has he said why he won’t do things with you? What does he say about the way he is feeling towards you and your relationship?
Quote:
Originally Posted by AAS17 View Post
I don't know how we got to this stage but at the moment we barely talk, there's no affection, we don't go out, don't even eat together.
Why don’t you eat together?
Quote:
Originally Posted by AAS17 View Post
I'm exhausted, I do it all and he goes to work - which I understand is exhausting but he works 6 days a week by choice and on his only day off he likes to hang around with his family - with us in the background.
Could your exhaustion be caused by your depression?
What do you do to take care of yourself? How many hours a week do you spend doing things with friends/family without your children? Or just by yourself doing things that make you feel good? Do you work out?
Quote:
Originally Posted by AAS17 View Post
I feel alone. I feel I do everything (he won't won't even pick up his own dirty plate or clothes) all with the excuse that he goes to work. I'd love to work but there's no one to take care of OUR boys.
Surely there are day cares near you. Or you could hire a nanny to watch your children while you are at work. When my son was young, I was able to work at home a good part of the time. I hired a college girl as a nanny. I was home working. She would take care of my son, fix lunch, etc. But I could also take breaks and spend time with him.

Later, as in the later part of elementary school the mother of his best friend offered to take care of him when I was at work. He loved it because he got to spend time with his friend. Worked out great.

What kind of work did you do before? You might benefit from going back to work. Some women do not really do well as a SAHM. It can be very isolating and just hard to deal with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AAS17 View Post
A few nights ago he came on to me, I wasn't feeling it and pushed him away, went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out for half hour, when I got back he was snoring! Since then I've not been able to talk, I've talked so many times and I don't think he realizes there's a deeper issue here.
When you pushed him away and you went off to cry, what did you expect him to do? Of course he went to sleep.

I would not be surprised if he does not realize that there’s a deeper issue. It’s not all that unusual for two people in the same marriage to have a completely different idea of what’s going on.

Here is something for you to read. The Walk-away Wife Syndrome

Quote:
Originally Posted by AAS17 View Post
How to start a conversation? How to get right to the root of it and make him realize that I can't be doing this for much longer??
I think that before you can talk to him, you need to get a better handle on what you want and how to talk to him about this. The material in the above link I posted is very good.

I also suggest that you read the books by Dr. Harley: “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”, read them and do the work that they suggest.

After you work through the Divorce Busting material (at the above link) and the two other books, you should have a much clearer idea of what is going on, how to talk to your husband about it and how to fix it. You should also have a better idea about what things about yourself you need to work to fix.

Then you are going to have to have THE talk with your husband—the talk when you tell him that you are ready to leave the marriage if he will not work with you to fix it. He will most likely be totally shocked. But hopefully the shock will wake him up.
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 02:07 AM
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Re: A bit confused - need help

And.....

Start doing more for yourself. Start taking care of yourself. It sounds like you are taking care of everyone and neglecting yourself.

You are responsible for your own health and mental well being. So start taking that seriously.
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 02:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: A bit confused - need help

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Originally Posted by Spicy View Post
It sounds like you are really upset and for that I am sorry.

I remember the days with two little ones. It's an exhausting time. This one day, it was particularly bad, and when my husband came in from work, I shoved a baby in his arms and said, "I'm leaving, see you in a few hours." I just needed a couple hours away without anyone yanking on me, wallowing on me, crying at me etc. SAHM is quite a stellar career, and not an easy one!!

Do you have any local family or a trusted friend that could watch the boys while you go out on a date? Let your hubby know ahead of time that you need to talk to him about some serious stuff over dinner. This way it is not completely sprung on him out of nowhere. Reach across the table and hold his hands. Tell him how much you love him, appreciate all his hard work to support your family. Say how he is always good at problem solving, and that you have a problem that is weighing you down that you really need his suggestions on. Then lay it all out for him. Pour out your heart. Then work on a plan together.

If you love each other, you can overcome this. Open communication is so massively effective. I hope he hears you, and you start seeing some improvements. Another idea I had while reading your thread is that if he would be willing to not work on Saturdays, you could then get a part time job that day. Then he can spend one full day taking care of the house and kids, and you can have a little taste of freedom.

I wish your family the best!
You see, if I hand him a baby and walk out it will be such a huge deal. He won't see it as I'm exhausted and just need a break. He'll see it as he's been working all day 'providing' and I don't give him a break.

I care for him but I'm not in love like I was before. I need to feel loved and taken care of if that makes any sense.

Thank you for your reply ❤️
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 03:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: A bit confused - need help

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
It sounds like the two of you did not adjust your relationship to handle the changes after having two children. It is not usual sadly and leads to exactly what you have going on in your marriage now.
How old are you, your husband and your children?

My bet is that he feels depressed and neglected as well. The two of you live in different worlds right now. This would kill any relationship.
Have you been to see a doctor about your depression? Have you seen an individual counselor to deal with the depression?

Has he said why he won’t do things with you? What does he say about the way he is feeling towards you and your relationship?

Why don’t you eat together?

Could your exhaustion be caused by your depression?
What do you do to take care of yourself? How many hours a week do you spend doing things with friends/family without your children? Or just by yourself doing things that make you feel good? Do you work out?

Surely there are day cares near you. Or you could hire a nanny to watch your children while you are at work. When my son was young, I was able to work at home a good part of the time. I hired a college girl as a nanny. I was home working. She would take care of my son, fix lunch, etc. But I could also take breaks and spend time with him.

Later, as in the later part of elementary school the mother of his best friend offered to take care of him when I was at work. He loved it because he got to spend time with his friend. Worked out great.

What kind of work did you do before? You might benefit from going back to work. Some women do not really do well as a SAHM. It can be very isolating and just hard to deal with.

When you pushed him away and you went off to cry, what did you expect him to do? Of course he went to sleep.

I would not be surprised if he does not realize that there’s a deeper issue. It’s not all that unusual for two people in the same marriage to have a completely different idea of what’s going on.

Here is something for you to read. The Walk-away Wife Syndrome


I think that before you can talk to him, you need to get a better handle on what you want and how to talk to him about this. The material in the above link I posted is very good.

I also suggest that you read the books by Dr. Harley: “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”, read them and do the work that they suggest.

After you work through the Divorce Busting material (at the above link) and the two other books, you should have a much clearer idea of what is going on, how to talk to your husband about it and how to fix it. You should also have a better idea about what things about yourself you need to work to fix.

Then you are going to have to have THE talk with your husband—the talk when you tell him that you are ready to leave the marriage if he will not work with you to fix it. He will most likely be totally shocked. But hopefully the shock will wake him up.
Thank you for this. Just read that link. Sounds spot-on. I need to get my hands on those books too.
I'm 30, my husband is 37. Kids are 4 & 2. They both go to nursery for a few hours in the morning but that is just about enough time to go to the supermarket , get housework done and any jobs in need to do without them. I've started going to the gym which feels great but then I get home to a load of housework which feels overwhelming.

About working, it's just not possible. I won't be able to get a job that'll allow me to collect the kids even if I manage to get a babysitter. My family live away and I've only got his family to rely on and they are pretty self centered and unreliable.
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 03:41 AM
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Re: A bit confused - need help

How about hiring more help at home? A maid and/or nanny?

You need more time to yourself and time for adult interaction.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 10:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: A bit confused - need help

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How about hiring more help at home? A maid and/or nanny?

You need more time to yourself and time for adult interaction.
We live abroad and can hire live-in help. The problem is that I've tried 3 times and not been able to find someone who we can get along with. It's in the process now and someone will hopefully join us very soon.

However, even with the help we had before (had her living with us for 8 months) my husband had no interest in going out or spending time with me.

Even if I'm well rested and not stressed I need someone to talk to. Someone who'll spoil me occasionally. Just had my 30th and he didn't even buy me a present! Paid for a cake that my sister arranged - only because I told her to put it on his account!
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 10:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: A bit confused - need help

Let me add some more. When I discuss things, like the need to be physically and emotionally attached, spending time together, talking, sharing chores, spending more time at home with us etc. he agrees. Never denies it or says he doesn't want to.
He says yes you are right, I need to spend more time with you guys. Yeah this weekend we'll go out, we'll take the kids to the park etc. but it doesn't happen!!!
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 10:11 PM
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Re: A bit confused - need help

Quote:
Originally Posted by AAS17 View Post
So, we've been married for almost 6 years.
We have 2 amazing little boys, I'm a SAHM while he runs a very stressful business.

Marriage was great for the first 3 years. We had our occasional disagreements and fights but nothing too serious and would step right back in as if nothing happened. During my 2nd pregnancy I really felt the pressure. He wasn't supportive, never helped (while I had a child under 2 to deal with as well as a pregnancy), never attended doctor visits, never did chores.
After the baby was born things didn't improve.

I don't feel attracted to him anymore because of his actions, I personally feel depressed and neglected and can't bring myself to loving him when I get nothing in return.

I've suggested game nights, social gatherings, movie nights, daily kisses, scheduled sex, anything I could find online basically but he doesn't follow through.

I don't know how we got to this stage but at the moment we barely talk, there's no affection, we don't go out, don't even eat together.

I'm exhausted, I do it all and he goes to work - which I understand is exhausting but he works 6 days a week by choice and on his only day off he likes to hang around with his family - with us in the background.

I feel alone. I feel I do everything (he won't won't even pick up his own dirty plate or clothes) all with the excuse that he goes to work. I'd love to work but there's no one to take care of OUR boys.

A few nights ago he came on to me, I wasn't feeling it and pushed him away, went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out for half hour, when I got back he was snoring! Since then I've not been able to talk, I've talked so many times and I don't think he realizes there's a deeper issue here.

How to start a conversation? How to get right to the root of it and make him realize that I can't be doing this for much longer??
Show him ^this^.


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Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 10:17 PM
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Re: A bit confused - need help

Sooner or later you have to face the fact that the love is gone. It happens to half of marriages and it appears that you are on the losing side. Sorry for your situation but sometimes once guys have kids to prove their manhood or fulfill their genetic duty to the human race, they lose interest in their partner. That is why the term baby momma is heard very often these days. I wish you luck but with kids and a husband who does not appear to love you, it will be a difficult road ahead of you but one you can take and perhaps find the happiness you are now missing from your life.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 10:18 PM
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Re: A bit confused - need help

Quote:
Originally Posted by AAS17 View Post
We live abroad and can hire live-in help. The problem is that I've tried 3 times and not been able to find someone who we can get along with. It's in the process now and someone will hopefully join us very soon.

However, even with the help we had before (had her living with us for 8 months) my husband had no interest in going out or spending time with me.

Even if I'm well rested and not stressed I need someone to talk to. Someone who'll spoil me occasionally. Just had my 30th and he didn't even buy me a present! Paid for a cake that my sister arranged - only because I told her to put it on his account!
Your kids are still young, why don't you pack your bags and go home to your home country with the kids for a few months and let him get on with it.
Let him see what it is like to not have your around. It sounds like he has checked out of the marriage. Tell him you feel like you are ships passing in the night and that you are very unhappy in the marriage. If he is not willing to sit down and talk about it then there is no future.

Are you living in his home country? You mentioned his family? Are you of the same culture?
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post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:02 AM
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Re: A bit confused - need help

I agree with the others. You DO need a break and you need to take care of yourself. I can also commiserate with having to handle all the domestic duties and having no support from anyone else. It's not a gender thing, though. It's a lack of balance between the provider and the keeper of the nest. I've been there myself - only I happen to be male.

The problem your husband is having is maintaining a balance between his work life and his personal life. He may be stressed from work - and in this day and age it's very hard for some to be truly "off the clock" from their jobs. Though smart phones are a big pet peeve of mine - and I'm just as guilty of being addicted to using one as a diversion - I particularly detest business phones, tablets, laptops, whatever allowing work to call away their attention at any hour of the day. There may also be things going on at work (office politics, goals, reviews, etc.) that have him preoccupied. This uses mental and emotional energy that take away from his ability to be an effective spouse or parent.

Still, I think he's copping out by agreeing with you but not following through on it. You need to set up these activities and schedules and remind him that he agreed to them because on some level he understands that they're important too.

The worst thing you can do is shut out your husband though. You need to find a babysitter and make time do something for your own emotional mental health outside of running errands. You also need to reconnect with your husband on a one on one basis - sans kids. Tell him this and ask him to ask somebody from his family to watch the kids so you two can date. You two need to socialize with each other and rebuild trust in one another.
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post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:56 AM
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Re: A bit confused - need help

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Sooner or later you have to face the fact that the love is gone. It happens to half of marriages and it appears that you are on the losing side. Sorry for your situation but sometimes once guys have kids to prove their manhood or fulfill their genetic duty to the human race, they lose interest in their partner. That is why the term baby momma is heard very often these days. I wish you luck but with kids and a husband who does not appear to love you, it will be a difficult road ahead of you but one you can take and perhaps find the happiness you are now missing from your life.
I don't know. I tend to think he's just "clueless" like a lot of guys can be. Guys don't tend to crave the same kind of connection women do. The woman says she's not happy, but she's still there, so how bad could it be? The guy just ignores her complaints. It may take separating for him to take her seriously. But I would not assume he doesn't not love her just because he's behaving like a lazy, selfish jerk.

To AAS17 - I would get those two books that EleGirl recommended and follow them. Those books really helped me identify things I was doing to drive my husband away, and also how to make a complaint so that he took it more seriously.

If you can get your husband to read the books that would be great. My H was resistant but finally relented (I got them on Audible for him...) and at least listened to some of them and it was very helpful. The bottom line is that it sounds like you are not willing to stay in a marriage with no love/intimacy where you feel neglected. Your H needs to understand THAT, not just that you wish things were better...

Good luck.
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post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 09:57 AM
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Re: A bit confused - need help

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I don't feel attracted to him anymore because of his actions, I personally feel depressed and neglected and can't bring myself to loving him when I get nothing in return.

I've suggested game nights, social gatherings, movie nights, daily kisses, scheduled sex, anything I could find online basically but he doesn't follow through.

I don't know how we got to this stage but at the moment we barely talk, there's no affection, we don't go out, don't even eat together.

A few nights ago he came on to me, I wasn't feeling it and pushed him away, went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out for half hour, when I got back he was snoring! Since then I've not been able to talk, I've talked so many times and I don't think he realizes there's a deeper issue here.

How to start a conversation? How to get right to the root of it and make him realize that I can't be doing this for much longer??
You're being neglected in your marriage and if it continues, you will fall out of love with your husband. You're on the path already. You know this and you're trying to get him to see but he won't listen. This is a major reason why women leave their husbands.

Here's what I would do:
1. Get a copy of His Needs, Her Needs.
2. Give it to your husband and explain to him that your emotional needs are not being met in your marriage and this is not going to work for you.
3. Tell him what you need: It takes 15 hours/week quality time to meet the 4 most important emotional needs in a marriage, according to Dr. Harley in His Needs Her Needs. This includes affection, conversation, companionship, and sex.
4. Tell your husband that you will schedule childcare, get the kids on an early bedtime routine, hold up your end but that he needs to schedule 15 hours/week with you or you will fall out of love with him.
5. Only have sex if you want to, if your needs are being met. If your husband is giving you enough attention, affection, and conversation and companionship, you will be more motivated and interested in having sex with him. Let him know this.
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