I've pushed my wife away emotionally
My wife and I have been married for 6 years. She's now 33 and I'm not 38. She left everything, her family, everything to move 150miles and live with me because I had a career and a home and there was nothing really holding her down there and I had a son in High School from a previous relationship. Keep in mind her family and parents are very warm. Mine, well not so much. I rarely even see my parents, let alone extended family.
After the first year, we had some issues and saw a MC. We got along great after that for a few years. Twice over the past 8mo or so, she's told me that I don't hug her enough, etc. and that she is the one constantly initiating that sort of stuff. After these conversations, I've walked away with "ok I'll initiate hugs more". I was too stubborn and too naive and too defensive to look beyond her words.
She had her issues too. I've seen her go through 5 jobs just because she gets to a point where co-workers drive her crazy and it gets to a point where she comes home crying, raging mad. Then when she vents to me, I get 30min of her yelling at me like I am that person who made her mad, until she calms down. Every job, every time it got to this point. So it was difficult for me to be happy go lucky when she'd get home as I didn't know which wife was walking through that door from day to day. Yet if I would have only balanced that out by providing a warmth she needed, maybe that would all be a different story.
We don't really fight and get along great for the most part. We enjoy the same things, etc. I always do things to make her happy albeit, material things. Home projects, financial stability, insurance, etc. Even after the mowing the yard, the best part was seeing the smile on her face and her telling me how nice it was. Unfortunately, I never really told her that. I guess you could say I became complaisant, was taking for granted she'd always be there the next morning.
Well a week ago she came home, told me she quit her job and was moving back home with her parents for a "fresh start". This took me by surprise as we just purchased a country home 2 years ago together and this past Dec, adopted a 2nd dog. She quit her $16/hr job and said her dreaming of accounting was no longer her dream and she left. It's like she had a nervous breakdown. I blame a lot of that on the *******s she worked with that treated her like crap every day and I also blame myself as unfortunately, when she'd come home, I wasn't there emotionally. My day would be crap because I hate my job and I lost sight of what it was in life that made me happy. Making her happy. Instead I chose to drink myself numb each night and wasn't myself by the time she'd get home.
I have since quit, 8 days now. Every dot I start to connect with a clear mind, I connected back to that. I realized much of this is my fault and hate myself for being so blind and such a fool. She says this isn't a divorce but a separation until she figures things out and isn't about the drinking as much as the emotional support. What I try to convey is my drinking had a negative effect on my perception, my handling of things, my responses, my reactions, everything. I'm not saying quitting is a cure all but it certainly helps my understanding and my perception and allowed me to look in the mirror and make some changes about myself.
She says she loves me but not sure she can turn her heart back on for me. Yet she then calls worried about my well being and wants to see our dogs. It's like she wants to be done but she's still getting her fix of this life she is choosing to leave. I'm so confused. I tell her this time is different. I tell her after almost 2 weeks of her not being around, I realize what I want in life and what makes me happy...her. The happiness I had deep down, even at the times I didn't show it, was making her happy. She tells me she is not sure she can turn her heart back on, I tell her I don't expect her to. She tells me she'll always love me. Yet, to me love is unconditional. Obviously there are circumstances but when 2 people still love each other and want something to work, I'm confused why there's even a question.
I asked to go back to a MC and she said yes. Once I told her I had an appt. scheduled for the next day, she said it was too soon but she wanted me to go. I then asked if she'd go after I went alone a few times and she now isn't sure. I've been giving her space. She's been the one calling me. My heart is bleeding. I love her. I'm not the happiest most go lucky guy in the world. I'm not the most positive either but since she's been gone, I've actually taken steps to deal with some of the demons of my past rather than just tell her words as my words have no weight right now. She says she hopes I can continue to be the man she knows I can be, yet she still leaves me with the impression that she has no interest in coming home. Day to day I don't know when I'll see her next, talk to her next, anything. I'm just waiting, with my thoughts, every single minute of the day.
This past couple of weeks has allowed me to think about my life, our life, what is important and how important warmth is. She says she doesn't know if she can believe or trust that things will be different in my approach to her. Yet, I would do anything to prove it to her which I find difficult with us no longer under the same roof and her refusing to really see me. Last time I saw her, I was crying as I was carrying her bags down the stairs for her so she could leave me as they were too heavy for her. All of this has been very eye opening and now, I realize that everything I married her for, all of those precious, delicate qualities, I can never find in anyone else and how badly I want to continue to share a improved, stronger life with her.
I mailed a letter tonight telling her an early retirement, fringe insurance, $22/hr didn't mean **** to me without her and that this house we've put so much love into didn't mean **** either. None of this is worth anything to me without being able to share it with her. I would work at a gas station until I'm 80 if it meant I could see her when I come home. She's talking about finding new dreams, finding herself again and I told her I would not stand in the way and I would be the one to take a risk for her this time. Meaning, I'd leave my job, everything I know so she can be back with her family and share in their warmth.
I wish I would have shown my love this much before now. That is one regret I will carry with me forever.
Last edited by JD1978; 03-21-2017 at 11:57 PM.
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