I've pushed my wife away emotionally - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 10:28 PM Thread Starter
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I've pushed my wife away emotionally

My wife and I have been married for 6 years. She's now 33 and I'm not 38. She left everything, her family, everything to move 150miles and live with me because I had a career and a home and there was nothing really holding her down there and I had a son in High School from a previous relationship. Keep in mind her family and parents are very warm. Mine, well not so much. I rarely even see my parents, let alone extended family.

After the first year, we had some issues and saw a MC. We got along great after that for a few years. Twice over the past 8mo or so, she's told me that I don't hug her enough, etc. and that she is the one constantly initiating that sort of stuff. After these conversations, I've walked away with "ok I'll initiate hugs more". I was too stubborn and too naive and too defensive to look beyond her words.

She had her issues too. I've seen her go through 5 jobs just because she gets to a point where co-workers drive her crazy and it gets to a point where she comes home crying, raging mad. Then when she vents to me, I get 30min of her yelling at me like I am that person who made her mad, until she calms down. Every job, every time it got to this point. So it was difficult for me to be happy go lucky when she'd get home as I didn't know which wife was walking through that door from day to day. Yet if I would have only balanced that out by providing a warmth she needed, maybe that would all be a different story.

We don't really fight and get along great for the most part. We enjoy the same things, etc. I always do things to make her happy albeit, material things. Home projects, financial stability, insurance, etc. Even after the mowing the yard, the best part was seeing the smile on her face and her telling me how nice it was. Unfortunately, I never really told her that. I guess you could say I became complaisant, was taking for granted she'd always be there the next morning.

Well a week ago she came home, told me she quit her job and was moving back home with her parents for a "fresh start". This took me by surprise as we just purchased a country home 2 years ago together and this past Dec, adopted a 2nd dog. She quit her $16/hr job and said her dreaming of accounting was no longer her dream and she left. It's like she had a nervous breakdown. I blame a lot of that on the *******s she worked with that treated her like crap every day and I also blame myself as unfortunately, when she'd come home, I wasn't there emotionally. My day would be crap because I hate my job and I lost sight of what it was in life that made me happy. Making her happy. Instead I chose to drink myself numb each night and wasn't myself by the time she'd get home.

I have since quit, 8 days now. Every dot I start to connect with a clear mind, I connected back to that. I realized much of this is my fault and hate myself for being so blind and such a fool. She says this isn't a divorce but a separation until she figures things out and isn't about the drinking as much as the emotional support. What I try to convey is my drinking had a negative effect on my perception, my handling of things, my responses, my reactions, everything. I'm not saying quitting is a cure all but it certainly helps my understanding and my perception and allowed me to look in the mirror and make some changes about myself.

She says she loves me but not sure she can turn her heart back on for me. Yet she then calls worried about my well being and wants to see our dogs. It's like she wants to be done but she's still getting her fix of this life she is choosing to leave. I'm so confused. I tell her this time is different. I tell her after almost 2 weeks of her not being around, I realize what I want in life and what makes me happy...her. The happiness I had deep down, even at the times I didn't show it, was making her happy. She tells me she is not sure she can turn her heart back on, I tell her I don't expect her to. She tells me she'll always love me. Yet, to me love is unconditional. Obviously there are circumstances but when 2 people still love each other and want something to work, I'm confused why there's even a question.

I asked to go back to a MC and she said yes. Once I told her I had an appt. scheduled for the next day, she said it was too soon but she wanted me to go. I then asked if she'd go after I went alone a few times and she now isn't sure. I've been giving her space. She's been the one calling me. My heart is bleeding. I love her. I'm not the happiest most go lucky guy in the world. I'm not the most positive either but since she's been gone, I've actually taken steps to deal with some of the demons of my past rather than just tell her words as my words have no weight right now. She says she hopes I can continue to be the man she knows I can be, yet she still leaves me with the impression that she has no interest in coming home. Day to day I don't know when I'll see her next, talk to her next, anything. I'm just waiting, with my thoughts, every single minute of the day.

This past couple of weeks has allowed me to think about my life, our life, what is important and how important warmth is. She says she doesn't know if she can believe or trust that things will be different in my approach to her. Yet, I would do anything to prove it to her which I find difficult with us no longer under the same roof and her refusing to really see me. Last time I saw her, I was crying as I was carrying her bags down the stairs for her so she could leave me as they were too heavy for her. All of this has been very eye opening and now, I realize that everything I married her for, all of those precious, delicate qualities, I can never find in anyone else and how badly I want to continue to share a improved, stronger life with her.

I mailed a letter tonight telling her an early retirement, fringe insurance, $22/hr didn't mean **** to me without her and that this house we've put so much love into didn't mean **** either. None of this is worth anything to me without being able to share it with her. I would work at a gas station until I'm 80 if it meant I could see her when I come home. She's talking about finding new dreams, finding herself again and I told her I would not stand in the way and I would be the one to take a risk for her this time. Meaning, I'd leave my job, everything I know so she can be back with her family and share in their warmth.

I wish I would have shown my love this much before now. That is one regret I will carry with me forever.


Last edited by JD1978; 03-21-2017 at 11:57 PM. Reason: Recommended by a person who replied to break into paragraphs for better viewing
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 10:41 PM
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Re: I've pushed my wife away emotionally

Paragraphs are your friend.

Crying, begging, pleading and writing long letters pouring your heart out won't get you much.

Your actions will be the only thing that count now. She wanted space so give it to her. If you act needy, clingy and Above all pester her with texts, calls etc it will push her farther away at this time.

Join a gym start working out and if you're smart you'll put the booze away. You can't make her do anything but you'd better be fixing yourself.

If I were you I'd check the phone bill. Just To make sure there isnt another man involved. You need to know what you're up against.
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 10:48 PM
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Re: I've pushed my wife away emotionally

JD, so sorry you are in this place. You have to give your wife space and stop taking the total blame for this problem in your marriage. Never is it a case of only one party being the sole problem. How much of an effort did she make to convey her heart and ask you to go for MC etc?

Now you have to lay off her and give her the space she asks for. YOu should do the 180 on her (this is for yourself too and to put some of those emotions at bay). Intuitively it might seem like the wrong thing to do. No more crying, begging, pleading with her, it is not attractive to any woman. Be the strong man you are and show her. Tell her that yes, you contributed to the place she is in, you chose to drink instead of deal with the situation as you didn't know what to do. You love her but are not prepared to continue separated as the marriage can only be worked on if you work at it together. Start to do things for yourself, do not be available for all her phonecalls, create some mystery, go out with your friends, do things for yourself. Do not promise to give up all and sundry for her, (that is a silly thing to do). Maybe she is lonely, but she chose to build a life with you, she is responsible for her own happiness too.
I would also suggest you get some therapy to help you through this.
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 10:49 PM
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Re: I've pushed my wife away emotionally

Sounds like you're taking all the blame remember it takes two to make a marriage work... OP are you sure there is no one else in the picture.? Like a knew friend of hers.? Just throwing it out there she seems like she's a little unstable to make such a major decision and just leave usually there's an outside influence helping her.

Spartans lay down your weapons.! "Persian come and get them"
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I've pushed my wife away emotionally

Yes paragraphs are my friend. It's late, I'm still all mixed up in my head and heart. I apologize for the long, drawn out entry.

I am working on myself, I have laid off the booze (8 days) and I do have a counselor appt. tomorrow. I want to be a better man for myself and a better husband for her. I don't like who I became anymore than she does. I'm afraid with her being 150mi away now and very limited communication, it will be next to impossible for me to show her anything.

I don't think there is someone else. I don't think she's that sort of person and we've had the discussion how neither of us would do that to the other. I'm afraid to ask her that because if there's not, the fact I asked will not help matters any (she will get upset that I would think that of her). Perhaps I could rephrase it to ask if there's on "outside influence". Her Sister has always hated that she moved out here for me and had some animosity toward me for "taking her away", for all I know her Sister could be working against me rather than another man.

It doesn't help that when she does call, I tell her how much I miss her, how much pain I realize I have caused her, how I am changing those things. I do sound like a whiny, needy dude I guess and continue to make it about me even though that is not my intent. After reading some other articles...it appears I did not help my cause any. Looks like I may have made things 1000 times worse and pushed her away even more.

Thanks for the advice and responses everyone. I guess the only thing left is to hope that throughout the ashes, there is still life. Take care.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:50 PM
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Re: I've pushed my wife away emotionally

The point about paragraphs is that your post is very hard to read with no paragraphs. You will not get a lot of people reading your post when it's a wall of text like that. if you want input from people, make it easier for them to help them. Maybe you could edit that first post and just break it into paragraphs.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 12:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I've pushed my wife away emotionally

I understand and have edited my original post. Thanks for the recommendation.
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 12:07 AM
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Re: I've pushed my wife away emotionally

Quote:
Originally Posted by JD1978 View Post
Yes paragraphs are my friend. It's late, I'm still all mixed up in my head and heart. I apologize for the long, drawn out entry.

I am working on myself, I have laid off the booze (8 days) and I do have a counselor appt. tomorrow. I want to be a better man for myself and a better husband for her. I don't like who I became anymore than she does. I'm afraid with her being 150mi away now and very limited communication, it will be next to impossible for me to show her anything.

I don't think there is someone else. I don't think she's that sort of person and we've had the discussion how neither of us would do that to the other. I'm afraid to ask her that because if there's not, the fact I asked will not help matters any (she will get upset that I would think that of her). Perhaps I could rephrase it to ask if there's on "outside influence". Her Sister has always hated that she moved out here for me and had some animosity toward me for "taking her away", for all I know her Sister could be working against me rather than another man.

Just check your phone bill.

It doesn't help that when she does call, I tell her how much I miss her, how much pain I realize I have caused her, how I am changing those things. I do sound like a whiny, needy dude I guess and continue to make it about me even though that is not my intent. After reading some other articles...it appears I did not help my cause any. Looks like I may have made things 1000 times worse and pushed her away even more.

You can't fix what you've done but you'd better stop that behavior. It'll push her further away.

Thanks for the advice and responses everyone. I guess the only thing left is to hope that throughout the ashes, there is still life. Take care.
You work on you and become comfortable living alone. Fix what got you here. Do it for yourself not her at this time. It maybe too late for this relationship but if you don't work on you the same thing could happen to the next one.

Don't contact her. Let her do the caking and when she does listen. Don't jump on your marriage talk, etc. plan on getting through this alone. Hope is a dangerous do thing. It can paralyze you and hold you where you are and there is no benefit in that.

Go your own way. Get a hobby, go out with friends, relatives, etc.

You can't make her do anything.
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 12:09 AM
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Re: I've pushed my wife away emotionally

From reading your post your wife isn't perfect either. Sounds like there's plenty to go around.

Put some thought into what you want long term and work your way there.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 12:14 AM
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Re: I've pushed my wife away emotionally

She pulled up and left you and your life together. Don't jump to answe the phone. Maybe set up a time with her once a week if she wants to talk.

I would not be at her beck and call. The worst thing you can do is make yourself too available.

Live your life the best you can and put some work into it.

Weakness is very unnattractive you'd be wise to read up on separation, etc

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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 12:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I've pushed my wife away emotionally

She has her own phone plan. I have my own through work. It's impossible for me to check her phone bill as I've never seen a physical statement arrive for her in our 6 years of marriage (I always get the mail as I'm always home first). I'd have to know her email logins or flat out ask her. I will also do my best to refrain from the begging and pleading going forward, as difficult as that will be. I've seen that throughout multiple resources that I've researched thus far. Wish I would have done my research about the repair process when this first occurred instead of almost 2 weeks after. That sucks but like you said, no undoing that now.
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:07 PM
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Re: I've pushed my wife away emotionally

I know it's probably the hardest thing in the world to do but you can't let her know how much you miss her and want her. You need to let her feel that you're doing just fine on your own but without letting her feel like you don't want or need her anymore. An occasional text every couples days asking how she's doing is fine, but not every day. And unless she replies back asking a question, there is no need to respond back to her. If she complains about something to you that you have absolutely no control over, don't offer advice or help, just leave it at that and don't reply.

The same has happened to me where I become so focused on wanting to help solve or fix a problem that I have absolutely no way of fixing, or offering my opinion and advice on what she's talking about when that's not what she's looking for. Yes be supportive, but be your own man. Unless it's something that involves your marriage or family, don't let her problems become your problems, just leave it alone.
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