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The end of physical intimacy

4K views 16 replies 11 participants last post by  soundman502 
#1 ·
Before I get into this, I want to make something very clear. I made a vow, a covenant with my wife and God, that I am hers and she is mine for life. My post today is for the purpose of bettering myself, growing and improving myself for the sake of the future of my marriage. No advice to be unfaithful or to somehow guilt my wife or put her down will be entertained.

My issue starts back in 2015, the conception of my fourth child, our third son. This pregnancy would prove to be a very hard one for my wife, and because of the difficulty in this term, our sex life and subsequently our intimate relationship suffered greatly. My concern for her and our coming son at the time greatly outweighed my desire for sexual relationship with her, but I find pregnant women extremely attractive, so not being able to enjoy my beautiful wife during a time that makes her more beautiful than ever to me was very hard for me to deal with. Something I will mention, is that yes, I do know how to take care of myself, and my wife wasn't without care or consideration during this time or the time up to now, but it was painful for her to get to the point of orgasm, even the orgasm itself was uncomfortable to her, so because of this, nearly all sexual contact with her ceased when that became a reality because I do care far more for her well being than my gratification.

Forward to the delivery, it was hard and a little scary, and that's saying something considering we'd been through all of this before. From June of 2016 (his delivery) to the date of this writing, she bled almost non-stop. When she would stop and we might try to become intimate again, the intimacy would trigger the bleeding to start again, so from that date to today, we've been intimate a total of about 3 times, the most recent being almost 6 months ago. She does offer to help, but I feel extremely guilty taking care of myself in front of her, knowing that it turns her on and that she can't enjoy herself at all. She doesn't do oral, but I do, but the same result exists, so that has stopped too. She has admitted that she has tried to pull herself back, to keep from arousing me and working me up for something that she cannot provide and wishes she could.

We all know that sex isn't everything, and the majority of our relationship is very healthy, loving and powerful, but sex is such an important part of that intimacy, and it's supposed to be by God's design. It's supposed to tie two people together in a way that nothing else can, and it's something that we are so completely programmed to crave, need and enjoy. My wife and I both know that this has been hard, but she's never been one to have a real sex drive. Past relationships for her really took a toll on her in that department and because of that, she's never really "needed" sex. I guess that many women fit that same mold. Us guys on the other hand are prone to the desire to jump on just about anyone and if we were animals, we probably would.

My issue is that this period of nearly a year and a half (perhaps a little more) of no real physical relationship with my wife has taken a really heavy toll on me. Self-satisfaction only goes so far, but as anyone would know, that never fills the void of making love to someone who loves you back. It's caused me to feel very lonely, isolated and depressed. For months, I would express this in small doses to my wife, because she does care and she could tell I was bothered, but I never felt right just pouring it all out on her, because it's certainly not her fault, it's her body's fault and she certainly has no control over that aspect. Since we are done having kids, I got a vasectomy last December because I felt it only right that she bore my kids, so the least I could do was undergo the surgery to deal with this on my side. The doctors have tried a number of things on her side that haven't helped/worked and we just reached the point where she will be undergoing a partial hysterectomy, actually happens tomorrow morning.

This is huge to us. Yes, I know that it could and should certainly put an end to her constant bleeding, cramping and pain, but I also know that there are lots of other things that can happen post op that might not be to either of our liking. Best case, her pain and misery is gone. Leaving her ovaries in place will keep her from needing hormone replacement which will be so much better for her, and hopefully the freedom from periods and all that hassle will restore some of her joy. But the potential negatives are things that neither of us have been able to ignore. She could lose her sex drive altogether, sex could remain painful for her and depression not unlike postpartum depression is a real thing when it comes to the void that will exist where her womb used to be. Worse yet, is that if the uterus wasn't the root, there may still be other things going on that will have to be handled for her to feel better. After a year and a half, we're now looking at another 8-12 weeks before it can be considered to safely resume any sexual activity at all, as trying too soon could risk reopening where the cervix used to be, requiring yet another surgery and waiting period.

Should I have hope that we're making moves forward? Yes, I know I should. But it's really hard to have any kind of hope whatsoever after how long and hard this has been on the both of us. Worse yet, I feel horrible for reaching a point where I just want to have sex, period. I never want to leave my wife or betray her, but that drive does get strong sometimes and I reach points where logic fades and my self reasoning tries to justify just getting someone to get it out of me. Come back to real life, and you realize that it wouldn't help anything, it would make things worse, and the guilt and betrayal would be of epic proportions.

This has left me feeling trapped, hopeless and inadequate, because I'm ashamed of myself for feeling this way in contrast to all my wife is going through. People who have never been in this place will know nothing about what it feels like to want, love and have someone that is so deeply yours yet so completely off limits. We're by no means the first to ever be in this place. Spouses before us I know have reached a place when sex just has to end while the relationship continues for the rest of their lives. I don't know how they do it. I don't know how they cope, how they replace the connection that physical intimacy used to occupy. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my drive that's not going anywhere anytime soon. I want real, physical intimacy with my wife, even if it means that sex is never an option again, I just have to find a way to reach that place for her and for myself.
 
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#3 ·
I'm not a doctor, but she and I try to be involved in each other's health visits and such, and where some guys would get grossed out and avoid the whole topic, I try to stay as tuned in as I can, so that I can understand what she's going through. I do know for a fact that it's the physical right now that's the problem. She wants to do things with me, has offered, but when we've tried, it causes her pain or to bleed again, and that's not something I can deal with. I can't and won't cause her pain or problems just for this. Yeah, it has caused other kinds of pain, but pain for me, not for her, and I'd would rather bear it on my side than have her carry any of it.
 
#5 ·
I think I would cope in the same way. I'm sure frustration would be placed in a different place, because I personally try to do anything I can to please my wife and to make her happy as my partner, and if I felt that wasn't her focus, I would probably seek a counselor to help us figure out why. I've come to understand that a lot of people have issues with sex for some very real and usually secret reasons.

I've seen and read so many posts and stories where people would have said I was nuts for staying in my marriage, but love is more than sex and sex certainly isn't always love. I feel our relationship is healthy in all of its other areas, it's just hard in this one.

If I were in your case, my first thought would be maybe I'm not showing my wife love in the way she's looking for it. Maybe she thinks I'm missing the mark somewhere, or maybe what I find romantic isn't romantic to her, so maybe I need to find other things that show that I'm all in for her. The fact that I'm here, asking questions and seeking some help kind of blew my wife away, because I don't let my issues out normally. She knows that I'm trying, that I'm trying for us, not just for me, and that I'm doing all of it to make things better, not just a band-aid. I know that not all women are the same in what they like and don't, so try the small things, dishes, taking care of the kids to give her some time on her own to breathe (my wife is a stay at home mom for our kids, so she needs a breather) or whatever. Sometimes, it's not even us that is bothering them, but we get the heat from it.
 
#6 ·
If I were in your case, my first thought would be maybe I'm not showing my wife love in the way she's looking for it. Maybe she thinks I'm missing the mark somewhere, or maybe what I find romantic isn't romantic to her, so maybe I need to find other things that show that I'm all in for her. The fact that I'm here, asking questions and seeking some help kind of blew my wife away, because I don't let my issues out normally. She knows that I'm trying, that I'm trying for us, not just for me, and that I'm doing all of it to make things better, not just a band-aid. I know that not all women are the same in what they like and don't, so try the small things, dishes, taking care of the kids to give her some time on her own to breathe (my wife is a stay at home mom for our kids, so she needs a breather) or whatever. Sometimes, it's not even us that is bothering them, but we get the heat from it.
I think what @Clash77 is suggesting is that she is naturally low desire. What you're suggesting up there is that something in the relationship is affecting desire.

I wasn't familiar with people naturally having a low desire myself till I came on TAM. Even more surprised at my sister's confession this week that she is LD. Luckily for her, her husband is also LD, almost asexual at times. She initiates sex once/month and says they're both satisfied with that frequency.
 
#7 ·
I had a full hysterectomy 15 years ago and there is no reason at all why it will cause any of the things you mention. If the main cause of no sex is the bleeding, it will stop that. She will still have her ovaries so there is no reason why her libido will be affected or that she will get depressed. It should make her feel a lot better, it must be horrible to have bled for so long.
One of the best things I ever did was to have that operation.

Once she had recovered from the op, you must be honest and open about all this. Tell her what you have said here, but just after the op isnt the time.
 
#8 ·
Dude, you and your wife are awesome! You both sound amazing! Fight through your delirium. This probably isn't the advice you were looking for, but just hang in there buddy! Oh and if pleasing yourself in front of her turns her on then koodos. Don't worry so much about how she's not getting off, you'll get that chance soon enough. In her situation with such little enjoyment that might actually be helping her! Let her help you by being involved as best she can too! After all it probably takes it's toll on her too!

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#9 ·
You sound like an amazing couple, and I think after this surgery, you are going to get back to the intimacy you both want and deserve. Your faithfulness will be rewarded now, and in the future. Hang in there a little longer sweet hubby.

I have had serious health problems, and I will say that I would always want to please my husband even if I can't get the full pleasure myself during that time. Your wife may feel the same way. Is it easy? No, not if you love sex. At the same time, we love our spouses so much we don't want them to be deprived. There is a balance in there. Follow her lead.

Brighter, sexier days are ahead my friend. >:)
 
#10 ·
If by sex you mean intercourse - well - that may leave you stuck in a bad corner.

So I'll share a couple general observations about this type situation. It's common for the higher drive partner to try to take the route of self sacrifice. Thing is, that often results in an eventual melt down. During the melt down they ummm - say a lot of stuff that - while true - is not helpful.

An alternate (not easy - there is no easy path here) route is to have a calm, constructive and brief - and by brief I mean you work the script to the point where it is pure muscle and tendon.

Sort of like this:

Neither of us ever expected to get dealt this kind of hand. Much of your pain and suffering is medical/physical and therefore totally visible. (Pause here)

Mine isn't physical. But it's real. So I need you to understand a couple things:
- I won't ever pressure you to do anything that hurts or feels bad to you. Not through guilt or fear or any other means.
- I do need you to recognize that - the total absence of a sex life is painful and at some level emotionally harmful to me.
- So I want us to work TOGETHER to find a sexual rhythm that is mutually workable - whatever that is.

And then shut up. Seriously. Stop talking entirely. It is possible she won't respond in the moment. And that's ok. Give her some space to breathe - to digest - to consider.

If - she chooses - to respond - and she may - you need to be fully prepared. You may get any or all of:
- A request for reassurance that you are still fully committed - since you are you ought say so - a full eye contact - soft voiced - YES
- She may try to reverse the polarity of the conversation and try to paint you as selfish - fwiw you don't sound at all selfish to me. The ONLY response to that is a calm: Well that's disappointing to hear. You have needs. If I wasn't meeting them - I would WANT to know that. And I sure wouldn't attack you for telling me what they are.

That's it. No long debate. You aren't in court. There are TWO people in a marriage and for it to be healthy - they BOTH need to matter.

That said - it will be natural for you - as ummm - starved as you are - to give her some big sales pitch. Don't. Do not do that. It will actually hurt you. The only goal here is to convey a message without coming across as either aggressive or weak. So - if she wants to spar - don't engage. Deliver your message and then say as little as possible afterwards.
 
#11 ·
First of all, a huge thank you to all of you here, for your understanding, for your insight and for inspiring hope within me.

Second, my wife admits that she has a low sex drive, and while she enjoys sex, it's just not a big priority for her. It's unfortunate (to me) but doesn't make me feel less loved nor does it make me love her any less. As spouses, we're obviously worth so much more than sex, but it feels so important to me and while she hears that, knows that it's causing me strife, she admits that she doesn't understand...or maybe...feel things in that same way. That may be a guy vs girl thing too, as I know many of us guys are far more charged up than our female counterparts.

A positive note, is that her surgery went well, and while of course that certainly means the physical side of this equation isn't changing any for the next 6-8 weeks, we do both feel some relief that there's some light at the end of all of this for her. I'm not certain if or how things will change in regard to all the rest of this, but I'm only hoping that starting this dialogue with her will at least help her to see a side that she hadn't before.
 
#15 ·
OP, the good news is, from what I can infer from your posts, is that the lack of sex stems from physical factors rather than from emotional or psychological factors. There are a lot of men on TAM who are stuck in sexless marriages, with women who simply have no desire to engage in sex with their partners anymore, full stop. It sounds like your wife truly does want to engage you, and that is GOOD, because physical problems are fix-able. These other guys, they're up a creek, because the emotional/psychological factors often can't be fixed.

And the better news is that she's had the operation and is recovering well. I am sure that your sex life will return to normal and you guys are going to have a lot of quality couple time once she's recovered, because I think she wants this as much as you do, even if she's a little more LD than you are.

Hang in there, buddy, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
 
#12 ·
My wife just had a complete hysterectomy on the 5th. She is 61 years old. She kept her ovaries.

Our sex life has been very active for the 43 years of our marriage. My wife is highly responsive, although I have no idea how to categorize her sex drive. She never initiates sex, except with herself, so whatever. She says her sex drive is higher now, if anything. She has said that.

We are counting the days before she can have an orgasm again. 17 days to go.

From my reading it seems if the woman was interested in sex before the hysterectomy she will continue to be interested in sex. I am sure some people will argue about that. Again, whatever. It is certainly working that way for us.

Mary jokes that I can no longer ever call her hysterical. She is recovering much better than the doctor expected she would. Currently the hardest thing for me to manage during her recovery is keeping her from overdoing things.

Good Luck.
 
#13 ·
William, I think we may be in a similar boat. I believe that my wife sincerely wants to fulfill me in the physical side. She lacks self confidence, has poor self image, but so do I.

Right now, we're in a stressed place, because I'm the watch dog that's trying to make sure that she takes it easy and doesn't overdo herself, and she's the one who's used to being my right hand and she's watching me take up her roles on top of my own and it frustrates her.

I'm slowly finding hope that things will be okay. Things are overwhelming right now. I work 40+ hrs, our kid's softball season is in full swing, I'm the treasurer on the board of a new non-profit, and I'm a musician playing a three hour set on in just a few weeks for an outreach concert. These are just things that we had in life before the curve ball of surgery, so life has to go on. We've got some good family around us helping out a lot, and without them, I simply couldn't do it.

But on the other side, as my wife recovers (only one week into that right now) she's feeling a bit better, and is showing more of her old self. Heck, we kissed last night and for the first time in a long time, it felt electric. Up to this point, I would have settled for a static shock as our lips connected. LOL.

Emotions have a gnarly way of shaping and directing our thoughts, and I hope I'll look back at this time in our lives like a journal entry of yet another mile marker in our lives. We have a number of those, and each has made us stronger and more in tune with each other, so I can't think of this any differently.
 
#16 ·
Soundman,

I posted a detailed reply and then TAM lost it somehow. I am going to try again, but less detail, just bullet points.

I would bet that you are going to be happy in the future and your physical sex life is going to be great.

My wife had essentially the same operation in the mid 1980s, partial hysterectomy, fibroids, endometriosis, doctors left one ovary to avoid hormone replacement.

We adopted a baby who turned out to be mentally handicapped and raised him, more or less succesfully, but it was streesful and took a lot of time and energy.

Child is now living in a group home. He has had problems, but... he is an Eagle Scout (legitimately). He works in the culinary arts.

The wife's surgery did not reduce our sex life over the years, although scheduling due to raising a handicapped child 24/7/365 did impact it some.

We are now mid 60s and empty nest. Wife had a recent abdominal surgery for hernia, and I developed E.D. a few years ago due to low T.

Despite all this, our sex life is now better than ever. Thirty years ago when things looked bleak, I would never have believed this would be the case.

We have some things in common. I played in a garage band in the 1960 & early 1970s. I also volunteered to run our church sound board for youth events for many years. God bless you both.
 
#17 ·
Edmund, thank you not only for writing that, but writing it again. I really appreciate that.

I do admit, that at the time of my OP, I was probably in one of my bleakest moments. I'm generally the optimist, trying, even in hard times, to find and focus on the good that could be rather than the bad that seems to be. Optimism has its limits, for sure, and after a year an a half, I found myself losing hope. I felt deprived of so much that it was just hard to accept. We didn't get enjoy our last pregnancy, and I have a a big thing for that time frame, and knowing that he would be our last and then all the things that made his term and delivery so hard, it just stole the joy and excitement away. And hey, I'll take blame where it's due, because I'm sure I contributed to things somehow, by not communicating properly or only communicating when I was at the peak of my own frustration. I'm human, so is she. I would be lying if I said that there wasn't still a sore spot for me on that. It's like accepting the end of anything, I've had to accept that I will never make love to my wife as a pregnant woman again, I'll never be able to have that personal relationship with a developing human being in the womb or embrace all the things that go along with it. Please don't get me wrong, I love my son. My wife and I have had four kids, but we lost one mid term back in 2009 that took an major toll on us, so having two sons after losing my first son is a tremendous blessing. I won't say that our kids are our life, because we haven't allowed ourselves to make our world revolve around them, but we are so thankful that God blessed us with all of our kids and thank Him for how amazing they are.

Something I've been trying to remember, is that medical stuff like this is usually temporary. While it did concern me, what really scared me more, was that SHE would change as a result of it, that her drive or passion for me would be driven further away because of all she was going through. It's hard not to feel selfishly angry at such a prospect, BUT, I will say that she has surprised me in the last couple of days. Even though we can't do a single thing sexually for so many more weeks (seems like an eternity) she has been...helping me and engaging with me in ways that I haven't seen, felt or experienced in over a year and a half. If I'm not being too vulgar, oral has never been her thing. I could probably count on both hands the number of times she has done that in our 13 years. But, she surprised me the other night and it was electric. I felt bad, cause I couldn't return the favor since we have to wait for recovery, but it meant a lot to me that she would do something like that for me that I KNOW she doesn't really like to do. It showed me that she was thinking about me, and honestly, it almost felt like a gesture of thankfulness or acknowledgement from her, saying that she cared and understood my struggle.

I have a wonderful wife, and I don't say that because I want credit for thinking so or because she might read this one day. She really is a wonderful partner to share life with. Society makes it easy to think about all the what ifs and the greener pastures that are out there but they never like to bring up the heartache and manure that made those pastures look so appealing. There is no shortage of beautiful women out there, women who are so appealing and attractive on the outside. They're God's creation too, but so many of them focus so much on that outside that they never develop the inside, the side that counts. My wife is beautiful on both sides to me, which is something that many men wish they could get a hold of.

Someone used an analogy of an arrow a while back, about how they are pulled back to a limit right before they're released to their target. I can see that for my wife and I. I think it took all of this for her to get a grasp on what I was failing to express to her for so long, and it perhaps put us back in sync with each other. I'm so very encouraged by those of you who shared with me your similar situations that have worked out so well for you. Sex surely isn't everything, but boy it sure is something and I hope to enjoy it as much as I can before we're too old to :)

I also want to thank all of you again for supporting us, rather than giving advice to just take care of me or whatnot. It's good to know there are still people out here who embrace the real value of fidelity and dedication to our loved ones. You've helped more than I can say.
 
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