Before I get into this, I want to make something very clear. I made a vow, a covenant with my wife and God, that I am hers and she is mine for life. My post today is for the purpose of bettering myself, growing and improving myself for the sake of the future of my marriage. No advice to be unfaithful or to somehow guilt my wife or put her down will be entertained.
My issue starts back in 2015, the conception of my fourth child, our third son. This pregnancy would prove to be a very hard one for my wife, and because of the difficulty in this term, our sex life and subsequently our intimate relationship suffered greatly. My concern for her and our coming son at the time greatly outweighed my desire for sexual relationship with her, but I find pregnant women extremely attractive, so not being able to enjoy my beautiful wife during a time that makes her more beautiful than ever to me was very hard for me to deal with. Something I will mention, is that yes, I do know how to take care of myself, and my wife wasn't without care or consideration during this time or the time up to now, but it was painful for her to get to the point of orgasm, even the orgasm itself was uncomfortable to her, so because of this, nearly all sexual contact with her ceased when that became a reality because I do care far more for her well being than my gratification.
Forward to the delivery, it was hard and a little scary, and that's saying something considering we'd been through all of this before. From June of 2016 (his delivery) to the date of this writing, she bled almost non-stop. When she would stop and we might try to become intimate again, the intimacy would trigger the bleeding to start again, so from that date to today, we've been intimate a total of about 3 times, the most recent being almost 6 months ago. She does offer to help, but I feel extremely guilty taking care of myself in front of her, knowing that it turns her on and that she can't enjoy herself at all. She doesn't do oral, but I do, but the same result exists, so that has stopped too. She has admitted that she has tried to pull herself back, to keep from arousing me and working me up for something that she cannot provide and wishes she could.
We all know that sex isn't everything, and the majority of our relationship is very healthy, loving and powerful, but sex is such an important part of that intimacy, and it's supposed to be by God's design. It's supposed to tie two people together in a way that nothing else can, and it's something that we are so completely programmed to crave, need and enjoy. My wife and I both know that this has been hard, but she's never been one to have a real sex drive. Past relationships for her really took a toll on her in that department and because of that, she's never really "needed" sex. I guess that many women fit that same mold. Us guys on the other hand are prone to the desire to jump on just about anyone and if we were animals, we probably would.
My issue is that this period of nearly a year and a half (perhaps a little more) of no real physical relationship with my wife has taken a really heavy toll on me. Self-satisfaction only goes so far, but as anyone would know, that never fills the void of making love to someone who loves you back. It's caused me to feel very lonely, isolated and depressed. For months, I would express this in small doses to my wife, because she does care and she could tell I was bothered, but I never felt right just pouring it all out on her, because it's certainly not her fault, it's her body's fault and she certainly has no control over that aspect. Since we are done having kids, I got a vasectomy last December because I felt it only right that she bore my kids, so the least I could do was undergo the surgery to deal with this on my side. The doctors have tried a number of things on her side that haven't helped/worked and we just reached the point where she will be undergoing a partial hysterectomy, actually happens tomorrow morning.
This is huge to us. Yes, I know that it could and should certainly put an end to her constant bleeding, cramping and pain, but I also know that there are lots of other things that can happen post op that might not be to either of our liking. Best case, her pain and misery is gone. Leaving her ovaries in place will keep her from needing hormone replacement which will be so much better for her, and hopefully the freedom from periods and all that hassle will restore some of her joy. But the potential negatives are things that neither of us have been able to ignore. She could lose her sex drive altogether, sex could remain painful for her and depression not unlike postpartum depression is a real thing when it comes to the void that will exist where her womb used to be. Worse yet, is that if the uterus wasn't the root, there may still be other things going on that will have to be handled for her to feel better. After a year and a half, we're now looking at another 8-12 weeks before it can be considered to safely resume any sexual activity at all, as trying too soon could risk reopening where the cervix used to be, requiring yet another surgery and waiting period.
Should I have hope that we're making moves forward? Yes, I know I should. But it's really hard to have any kind of hope whatsoever after how long and hard this has been on the both of us. Worse yet, I feel horrible for reaching a point where I just want to have sex, period. I never want to leave my wife or betray her, but that drive does get strong sometimes and I reach points where logic fades and my self reasoning tries to justify just getting someone to get it out of me. Come back to real life, and you realize that it wouldn't help anything, it would make things worse, and the guilt and betrayal would be of epic proportions.
This has left me feeling trapped, hopeless and inadequate, because I'm ashamed of myself for feeling this way in contrast to all my wife is going through. People who have never been in this place will know nothing about what it feels like to want, love and have someone that is so deeply yours yet so completely off limits. We're by no means the first to ever be in this place. Spouses before us I know have reached a place when sex just has to end while the relationship continues for the rest of their lives. I don't know how they do it. I don't know how they cope, how they replace the connection that physical intimacy used to occupy. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my drive that's not going anywhere anytime soon. I want real, physical intimacy with my wife, even if it means that sex is never an option again, I just have to find a way to reach that place for her and for myself.
My issue starts back in 2015, the conception of my fourth child, our third son. This pregnancy would prove to be a very hard one for my wife, and because of the difficulty in this term, our sex life and subsequently our intimate relationship suffered greatly. My concern for her and our coming son at the time greatly outweighed my desire for sexual relationship with her, but I find pregnant women extremely attractive, so not being able to enjoy my beautiful wife during a time that makes her more beautiful than ever to me was very hard for me to deal with. Something I will mention, is that yes, I do know how to take care of myself, and my wife wasn't without care or consideration during this time or the time up to now, but it was painful for her to get to the point of orgasm, even the orgasm itself was uncomfortable to her, so because of this, nearly all sexual contact with her ceased when that became a reality because I do care far more for her well being than my gratification.
Forward to the delivery, it was hard and a little scary, and that's saying something considering we'd been through all of this before. From June of 2016 (his delivery) to the date of this writing, she bled almost non-stop. When she would stop and we might try to become intimate again, the intimacy would trigger the bleeding to start again, so from that date to today, we've been intimate a total of about 3 times, the most recent being almost 6 months ago. She does offer to help, but I feel extremely guilty taking care of myself in front of her, knowing that it turns her on and that she can't enjoy herself at all. She doesn't do oral, but I do, but the same result exists, so that has stopped too. She has admitted that she has tried to pull herself back, to keep from arousing me and working me up for something that she cannot provide and wishes she could.
We all know that sex isn't everything, and the majority of our relationship is very healthy, loving and powerful, but sex is such an important part of that intimacy, and it's supposed to be by God's design. It's supposed to tie two people together in a way that nothing else can, and it's something that we are so completely programmed to crave, need and enjoy. My wife and I both know that this has been hard, but she's never been one to have a real sex drive. Past relationships for her really took a toll on her in that department and because of that, she's never really "needed" sex. I guess that many women fit that same mold. Us guys on the other hand are prone to the desire to jump on just about anyone and if we were animals, we probably would.
My issue is that this period of nearly a year and a half (perhaps a little more) of no real physical relationship with my wife has taken a really heavy toll on me. Self-satisfaction only goes so far, but as anyone would know, that never fills the void of making love to someone who loves you back. It's caused me to feel very lonely, isolated and depressed. For months, I would express this in small doses to my wife, because she does care and she could tell I was bothered, but I never felt right just pouring it all out on her, because it's certainly not her fault, it's her body's fault and she certainly has no control over that aspect. Since we are done having kids, I got a vasectomy last December because I felt it only right that she bore my kids, so the least I could do was undergo the surgery to deal with this on my side. The doctors have tried a number of things on her side that haven't helped/worked and we just reached the point where she will be undergoing a partial hysterectomy, actually happens tomorrow morning.
This is huge to us. Yes, I know that it could and should certainly put an end to her constant bleeding, cramping and pain, but I also know that there are lots of other things that can happen post op that might not be to either of our liking. Best case, her pain and misery is gone. Leaving her ovaries in place will keep her from needing hormone replacement which will be so much better for her, and hopefully the freedom from periods and all that hassle will restore some of her joy. But the potential negatives are things that neither of us have been able to ignore. She could lose her sex drive altogether, sex could remain painful for her and depression not unlike postpartum depression is a real thing when it comes to the void that will exist where her womb used to be. Worse yet, is that if the uterus wasn't the root, there may still be other things going on that will have to be handled for her to feel better. After a year and a half, we're now looking at another 8-12 weeks before it can be considered to safely resume any sexual activity at all, as trying too soon could risk reopening where the cervix used to be, requiring yet another surgery and waiting period.
Should I have hope that we're making moves forward? Yes, I know I should. But it's really hard to have any kind of hope whatsoever after how long and hard this has been on the both of us. Worse yet, I feel horrible for reaching a point where I just want to have sex, period. I never want to leave my wife or betray her, but that drive does get strong sometimes and I reach points where logic fades and my self reasoning tries to justify just getting someone to get it out of me. Come back to real life, and you realize that it wouldn't help anything, it would make things worse, and the guilt and betrayal would be of epic proportions.
This has left me feeling trapped, hopeless and inadequate, because I'm ashamed of myself for feeling this way in contrast to all my wife is going through. People who have never been in this place will know nothing about what it feels like to want, love and have someone that is so deeply yours yet so completely off limits. We're by no means the first to ever be in this place. Spouses before us I know have reached a place when sex just has to end while the relationship continues for the rest of their lives. I don't know how they do it. I don't know how they cope, how they replace the connection that physical intimacy used to occupy. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my drive that's not going anywhere anytime soon. I want real, physical intimacy with my wife, even if it means that sex is never an option again, I just have to find a way to reach that place for her and for myself.