howtoforgive

I am 24 and grew up in the foster system. Growing up without parents is hard but I survived. Knowing how I grew up and the abuse and mistrust that comes with this childhood, it should be clear that I have trust issues. When I was 18 I meet my husband. He was the first person I had meet that made anything in my childhood seem less heavy. He was the first person I completely trusted and gave my heart too. He is my soul mate. 3 year later everything was wonderful. I was healing and happy. We ended up moving to Pennsylvania from Florida to be closer to my husband’s parents and ill grandparents. My husband’s best friend of 10 years pasted away unexpectedly right before the move, in September of 2009. Everything seemed normal between us, we were planning a wedding and helping his family, while I was starting college. We were married in august of 2010. During November of 2010 my husband was offered a job. At first it was okay. Until my husband’s boss decided to require longer hours for the same pay. I was a newly married young bride and my husband was working 13 of 16 waking hours 6 days a week. When his boss started mentally abusing him, for example forcing him to deliver a 5 year old urine stain mattress, it was too much. I couldn't stand to see the one person I love let someone abuse them for a paycheck. I made my concerns known and to no improvement. After a while my husband started to tell me I was crazy. I began to fall into a serious depression and couldn't function. This went on for a year and a half. Since then my husband was fired for standing up for himself. We have started counseling and it seems to be helping him but not us or me. I don't understand why he would allow someone to abuse him (which he admits in counseling). I literally feel like my husband’s best friend passes away, we get married and he runs away to let someone abuse him while he has no explanation. I feel like my marriage was a shame, like i was fooled. We got married and 3 months later he disappears. To this day the passion and love and life that were in our relationship is nonexistent. Whenever I say something to him he is very defensive, for example I told him that he didn’t match and he was very upset. This makes no sense because in my mind wouldn't you want your wife to tell you that you don’t match instead of a stranger? I love him and I want to figure out how and where and why we went so wrong. My husband is 33, if age is of importance.

deejov

It's great to hear that you found your way out of your past... but it's easy to fall into the trap of wanting to make sure no one else gets used the way you did, especially someone you care about.

We all see things differently, because of our pasts.
Your partner needs to find their own way in life, and decide for themselves what their boundaries are. Their interactions with the outside world are just that... Theirs.

It's never a bad thing to help someone 'grow' in life and assert themselves a bit more, but it can't be your focus in life, to the point where it causes you to be depressed.

You can only control your reactions and how you life your life. The rest is none of your business, and he's allowed to "learn" from his actions. Just as you are. It's not really wrong. It was a different path. And it cannot be changed.

So look to the future, and focus on what you want to do with that. Write a new page. find out what makes you happy. That's what is important.