seekingaadvice

I'll make this as brief as possible, just looking for some input. I have been married to my h for about a year and we have been together for 6 years. We have always fought, but worked through our conflicts, although at times things were particularly nasty. We talked about all of this before we got married and agreed that we were very much in love and had been together for 5 years...also that we had been committed for a while and nothing was going to change that. A few months after we got married we started fighting and having communication issues on a daily basis. I wanted to see a counselor but he did not. I was angry about this and the general situation and was mean and hurtful to him verbally. Eventually, he began to tell me that he now thought we should seek help, and at that point I said no. I was hurt from before and bitter. Obviously, this was a mistake. About 5 months ago he told me that things had gotten to the point where he had lost trust and shut off emotionally, and he was reconsidering the relationship. At this point I became painfully aware of how my behavior was affecting us and apologized and agreed to go to counseling. Unfortunately, our therapist was incredibly unhelpful and we decided not to see him anymore. I wanted to go to somebody else, but my h didn't. For the last 5 months we have been getting along great, and my h says we are best friends, but he can't see anything beyond that. He says that he is attracted to me very much, but won't go there because he isn't emotionally connected to me in that way anymore. I am still in love with him and feel that if we are best friends and there is attraction between us, as well as the fact that we were madly in love for multiple years that we should continue to try to work on our relationship. My h feels that there is too much blocking off his heart and he wants to split up. However, he keeps saying things like "life is long, you never know what will happen," and "I care about you more than you know." He wants to stay friends, but I can't do that without hope for the future. At this point, he is planning to go stay with a friend, and is thinking about keeping in touch with potential hope while still personally moving on and maybe even dating (all at my suggestion to help give space). I am ok with this if it is my only option. I just don't know what to do, and I really want things to work out between us. I have changed my negative attitude since the real problems started, but my h is afraid that is isn't real and I'm only doing it because of the threat of losing him. Sadly, I have been surprised at how easy it has been to change my behavior. I feel much better and more confident as a person, and wish I would have acted sooner. I have agreed to go to therapy individually to prove myself. Many of these problems were a product of my anxiety, and we both know that. I would like very much to build a new foundation, but my h doesn't have faith in this. Is there any hope for this relationship?

iheartlife

I'm not sure many people look at this sub-forum, you may want to ask a mod to move it to the general forum or the considering separation forum.

Your story has some similarities to mine--I did not treat my husband very well for a period of time and it did considerable damage to our marriage.

However, I have a question for you. 5 months ago, despite MC not helping, you now get along. Yet it hasn't made a difference to him. Is there any chance he is already involved in some way with someone outside the marriage?

seekingaadvice

There is definitely nobody else. All of our friends are mutual and he works long hours in an all male work place.

donders

Never say "definitely".

You don't know where he is or who he's with when he's not with you.

Almost every betrayed spouse says the same exact thing you do, about how their spouse would never cheat on them.

Regardless, he's checked out of the marriage, he's not interested in reconciliation or therapy, so in answer to your question, it takes two to save a relationship and his head is no longer into it.

Perhaps some time apart will be of some help, but odds are it's just the beginning of the end.

Jellybeans

If he wants out and refuses counselling, then sadly, nothing you do wil make him stay. All youu can do is show through actions you've changed. It sounds like you had a toxic dynamic full of fighting a lot so that's what you're up against: trying to convince him it won't happen again. Thing is, it wil be very hard do do ice it souds he doesn't believe its possible and wants out.
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seekingaadvice

He has softened his stance. Now he is going to stay with his friend for idk how long(we'll see), and not looking to date right now. He says he will consider all of the options (divorce, therapy, returning home...) I'm staying in the apartment. He was crying before he left and wishes that he could feel the same way towards me again. I am still hopeful.

As far as the cheating, he doesn't go out with friends without me and I know what his work consists of. I'm not stupid, I considered this possibility, but I have realized that it is extremely unlikely under the circumstances. Not to mention we spend (up until now) most nights together after work watching movies or cooking dinner.

iheartlife

If you're sure he's not cheating, I would ask him to please honor your marriage vows while separated.

I would get the books His Needs / Her Needs, Love Busters, 5 Love Languages. Get him (if you can) to take the free questionnaires for each of these books, the first two are on the Marriage Builders website and the last has on its own website.

Tell him you want to learn how he prefers to receive love and what his needs are. That this is part of showing him that you want to work on the marriage.

Also get a copy of The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.

Are you in individual counseling? You need to work through why you thought it was appropriate to treat him the way that you did.

seekingaadvice

I am looking for a counselor and going asap. He knows that and thinks it's good, but is still lacking faith in the potential for long term improvement.

iheartlife

The books I mentioned will give you as quick a turn-around for showing him that you mean to change as I can think of. The reason people like them so much is that they are very specific and concrete.

Like I said, see if you can get him to do at least the 5 Love Languages questionnaire, you can email it to him.

seekingaadvice

I will definitely seek the help of some of the books. I might wait a while before sending him anything. He has only been gone a couple days, and I think it is probably best to give it a couple weeks without contacting him. Hopefully he will miss being with me if I leave him alone completely.

iheartlife

Get at least the first 3. I know it seems like overkill, but there isn't a lot of overlap between those 3 and they are packed with good stuff.

seekingaadvice

Does anybody else have book advice? I want to order some this week and I want to get those that have helped others.
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iheartlife

You will get more responses if you have your thread moved to General Discussion, or you could always start a new thread there requesting book ideas.

__________________
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Turning the Mind Into an Ally

anchorwatch

The books that iheartlife recommended were a great help to my marriage. They are the among the most recommended by posters on this site. I agree those should be your first reads.
His Needs, Her Needs
Love Busters
The Five Love Languages

Good luck

P.S. You should ask a Mod to move your thread to the General Discussion area, you would get more responses there.

ColorRed

Hi seekingadvice, I'm sorry that you and your husband are going through such a rough time right now, although I have to say that it's good to hear that you’re not ready to give up yet. Iheartlife's book suggestions are excellent, and I wanted to mention a couple more that might be worth checking out – Rescue Your Love Life and Love and Respect. You also said that you're looking for another counselor – if you're having trouble finding one, I know from my time working with Focus on the Family that there are counselors who will talk with you over the phone for free and can possibly give you referrals to therapists in your area - the number is 855-771-HELP (4357). There are some good articles on the website – maybe the ones here will be helpful. Hang in there, ok? and keep posting…