NarcolepticInsomniac

I think I'm ruining the marriage I prayed for.

In early 2000 I was lonely and depressed and prayed constantly for somebody I could love and be with forever. In February 2011 I finally met her and we have been together ever since. She has been everything to me that kept me going, she stood by me in ALL things good and bad instead of vanishing when the good ended like everyone else. If not for her I'd not have custody of my kids, this wonderful woman turned her back on her family for me and this is why I feel like such a worthless SOB. *I have not cheated on her so please dont jump to that conclusion but I changed. *I used to think she changed but in reality it's me. *I haven't slept in the same bed with her or had sexual relations since January this year after I was released from the hospital. ( Double Pneumonia ) I haven't given her a kiss or told her I love her with any real emotion. *That was usually done through out the day but not now.
* I always mentally berate myself for not but then for some reason I feel like I don't deserve it or her. *I want to find away to get back to the way we were before. *I know the sexual part will be hard considering we have 5 kids in our home but I do love my wife very much and don't want to lose her. * I apologize for rambling but as I began to type this, more than what I intended seemed to go along for the ride. * I am just looking for any advice on ways to work this through. **
* * Thank You.

Cosmos

First of all, get yourself back into the marital bed. It's near nigh impossible to establish intimacy if you're not sharing a bed - particularly if you have 5 children in the house.

Start romancing your W again. Hire a babysitter and take her out on a date. Pay her compliments, buy her flowers and tell her how you feel about her.

There's really only one way back, and that is to retrace your steps and try to undo the damage you may have caused.

__________________

(Couple Skills : Matthew McKay PhD, Patrick Fanning, Kim Paleg PhD)

When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.

3Xnocharm

Do you even know your own reasons for your withdrawal from her? Did something negative happen?

millers4691

I think a breakdown in communication is the number one thing that ruins marriages and relationships.

So when you need to increase the level of communication to something more deep, about what do you talk? The best method is to use the acronym APPLE.

A – Appreciation
P – Problem
P – Positive
L – Life
E – Enigma

A – Appreciation. Anything big or small that you appreciate about your partner. It could be as simple as your partner picking up their socks off of the bedroom floor to something that took more effort like watching the kids for four hours. REMEMBER – be specific.

P – Problem. Something that is a problem between you and your partner. This should not be a time for blame or judgment and this is not the time to solve the problem, you are simply stating it. While some couple are very good at this section, others hesitate to give any problems at all. A couple must discuss problems or the unmentioned problems will build and build until the explode. Use the following formula when sharing a problem:

When you (specific behavior) I feel (feeling) can you give me (requested behavior in the place of the problematic behavior)?

Notes – when mentioning the behavior, state only the action that the person did and do not add commentary or opinion. When stating feelings, do not say, “I feel LIKE…” Using “like” makes it a judgment and not a feeling. Use the following: happy, sad, angry, confused, scared, exhausted or powerless, and/or strong or powerful. Finally, don’t forget to mention what you need from them so that they know what to do in place of the problem.

P – Positive. This should be something that happened to you recently that is positive and/or fun. It can, but does not have to involve your partner.

L – Life. Something that happened to you recently. Something at work or that took place in your day.

E – Enigma. Something about which you are confused or something about which you are unsure of how to solve. If there is something that has been worrying you talk about it with you partner. You both can try to work it out at this time.

Remember – Do this daily. This is not a discussion (until the enigma), so try not to comment on what the other person is saying. It should only take about 15 minutes for both of you to go through the script or acronym. You may feel strange using this script, but when you both first started dating, you most likely went through it without knowing it. Continue going through it. Couples having trouble only share the problem with each other.

Remember – An APPLE a day keeps the counselor away.

K.C.

If you have had genuine depression in the past as opposed to just feeling very down (as someone that had previously and is currently suffering with depression- 2 very different things); did you seek help at that time and can you identify your current actions with ways you behaved when you felt that way?

I had changed in th last 2 years with my own depression to the point i drove my wife to recently decide it's over. Seems like ou have at least come to the same conclusion as to who has changed. You need to think about what changed, if you were seriously i and this has coincided with the change feeling you need to perhaps examine that time?

As a depressive, your post sure sounds like it comes form someone, not who has BEEN depressed but currently IS. I appear to have left it too late for my marriage, please don't make the same mistake, get help now.

Speaking on here is great but speak to her. Speak to a professional. Do what it takes to fix things or she may just decide she has had enough and it's too late.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Assuming that when you had double-pneumonia you were also oxygen deprived. This can take a huge toll on your ability to process information and to relate information to action. You can get stuck in the midst of thinking about what you want to do and then following through. These are all normal results of chronic oxygen deprivation to the brain. You should go to see a neuropsych and get therapy and perhaps some Rx as well. If you're feeling confused about life, it's probably because your brain did change, and you will need to do some serious rehab to get it to behave as you would like it, and to be able to think clearly when it comes to logic and emotions.