09-26-2012, 08:52 PM
Join Date: Sep 2012
| | Re: I think I'm ruining the marriage I prayed for.
I think a breakdown in communication is the number one thing that ruins marriages and relationships.
So when you need to increase the level of communication to something more deep, about what do you talk? The best method is to use the acronym APPLE.
A – Appreciation
P – Problem
P – Positive
L – Life
E – Enigma
A – Appreciation. Anything big or small that you appreciate about your partner. It could be as simple as your partner picking up their socks off of the bedroom floor to something that took more effort like watching the kids for four hours. REMEMBER – be specific.
P – Problem. Something that is a problem between you and your partner. This should not be a time for blame or judgment and this is not the time to solve the problem, you are simply stating it. While some couple are very good at this section, others hesitate to give any problems at all. A couple must discuss problems or the unmentioned problems will build and build until the explode. Use the following formula when sharing a problem:
When you (specific behavior) I feel (feeling) can you give me (requested behavior in the place of the problematic behavior)?
Notes – when mentioning the behavior, state only the action that the person did and do not add commentary or opinion. When stating feelings, do not say, “I feel LIKE…” Using “like” makes it a judgment and not a feeling. Use the following: happy, sad, angry, confused, scared, exhausted or powerless, and/or strong or powerful. Finally, don’t forget to mention what you need from them so that they know what to do in place of the problem.
P – Positive. This should be something that happened to you recently that is positive and/or fun. It can, but does not have to involve your partner.
L – Life. Something that happened to you recently. Something at work or that took place in your day.
E – Enigma. Something about which you are confused or something about which you are unsure of how to solve. If there is something that has been worrying you talk about it with you partner. You both can try to work it out at this time.
Remember – Do this daily. This is not a discussion (until the enigma), so try not to comment on what the other person is saying. It should only take about 15 minutes for both of you to go through the script or acronym. You may feel strange using this script, but when you both first started dating, you most likely went through it without knowing it. Continue going through it. Couples having trouble only share the problem with each other.
Remember – An APPLE a day keeps the counselor away.
Last edited by millers4691; 09-26-2012 at 08:56 PM.