how to cope with husband's "mistake"
I am brand new here and I apologize if this is not the appropriate place to bring this discussion. If it isn't, please let me know.
I am 29 and have been happily married for 6 years. My husband and I have a good, strong marriage and are both very good at communicating with each other. We are also very close. We have two kids but really try to keep our love for each other in focus and not get caught up in the minutiae of everyday life to the detriment of our marriage.
During my last pregnancy I went through some depression issues (caused by the hormones) and it affected our marriage. After the baby was born, I was fine emotionally. My doctors kept a close eye on me for post partum depression but I didn't have it. Oddly, its only when I am pregnant that I am depressed.
So my baby was born in January and I thought life was returning to normal. Then (to make a really long story short), I found out my husband had started becoming close to a co-worker (this was after the baby had been born), they had started a texting relationship and then meeting in a parking lot and riding into work together.
I found out because we don't have a texting plan and our cell phone bill was ridiculously high one month and I saw hundreds of texts between my husband and another number. When I confronted him about it, he told me everything. He even told me that one night that I was out of town he had asked her out to coffee but she had said no because she was worried that they were getting to attached.
He has apologized profusely, told me over and over again that he wants to be married to me and that he loves me and he hates that he hurt me. He maintains that it was just a stupid thing he did that was just lots of fun and he wasn't really thinking it through.
He thinks, because he has apologized, and genuinely wants to be with me and regrets hurting me, that I should be able to move on quickly from this and get over it.
The problem is that I don't see it the same way that he does. I think that he was on a dangerous path, and though he was only at the beginning of this path, he was still on it. No matter how much we talk about it, we cannot see it from the same perspective.
I keep wondering if I am just being too "female" about it and that I should just view it as a fun episode like he does. But I can't shake the belief that what he did was dangerous to our marriage, and it is very disturbing to me that he cannot see it that way.
He refuses to go to marital counseling. Again, he sees this as a mistake that I should be able to forgive and get over easily. My anger has worn off, and I absolutely want to forgive him. But I still feel betrayed and that has left me feeling a deep sadness that I cannot seem to get through. The fact that he went behind my back and did something like this without thinking about how it would affect me or our marriage scares me.
I feel myself getting depressed about this. I can't function well, I'm not taking care of my kids or my house the way that I normally do. But talking to him--for the first time in our marriage--has not helped at all. It has only illuminated the fact that we are on two different sides of the fence on this issue.
I guess that is the gist of it. Sorry its so long. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!