Mother in law ruining marriage
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  • 3 Post By SlowlyGettingWiser
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Old 03-29-2013, 12:19 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Mother in law ruining marriage

Hi

I've been married for three and a half years now. There were problems from the beginning with families not getting along. My husband is a great guy and I love him very much. His mother is the problem. She has told him many untruths regarding me and my immediate family. I overlooked it initially but it is getting harder and harder to forgive her. She is so overly possessive of her son, that she not only tells him bad things about me, and my mother, but also about her very own close friends and relatives. She does it always when it's her alone with her son. She is so worried about him loving someone else more than her. She keeps him from loving any motherly figure aside from herself and it has shattered my dreams of one large loving family. She doesn't let him see my family for the most part anymore because she wants to see him all the time. My philosophy is that aren't 3 moms better than 1? Cant we be a big loving family? cant she realize that if her son has three loving motherly figures in his life...it will help him feel more loved and accepted and be beneficial to him? but she has created a wall between him and my family due to her jealousy....so that dream is shattered. i love my husband very much, but his mother is difficult to handle (very emotional/borderline type/dependent) and i don't know what to do. when its just me and my husband with no family interference we are very content and happy. as soon as she calls us and tells us to come over we get into huge arguments about what she says subtley to me as an insult etc. She lives next door and wants to be there 24/7 and will follow us no matter where we go. Feeling suffocated by her. Husband unfortunately listens to everything she says....it's hard for him to be impartial because its his mom and he's a wonderful son. I adore that about him but I feel she takes advantage of him being a good son by making him feel guilty about everything and always victimizing herself as a helpless lonely woman. What bothers me most about his mom setting aside the untruths and character defamation she does is that she betrayed her best friend/sister of 40 years because she thought her son started loving his aunt more than her. she henceforth told my husband to cut contact with his aunt...someone who loved him so much. This bothers me the most because it shows a complete and utter lack of loyalty (I am worried that if she can do this to one so near and dear...what can she do to the rest of the people she barely knows?) Next problem is that my husband and brother don't get along. They had a rift a year ago and haven't spoken since. I feel stuck in the middle of their rift. Both are stubborn and have too much of an ego to apologize (male ego?) and let bygones be bygones. It's a tense situation. I always had a dream of one big happy family but I wish everyone could act their age and get along and learn to love one another....but it's so tough. I wish I could move away with my husband because he alone is a great guy...but I know we will never be allowed to move somewhere for some quality marriage time by the mil
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Old 03-29-2013, 06:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mother in law ruining marriage

Um, your problem isn't your MIL!

Your problem is that your husband isn't a MAN. He's a very tall BOY who still let's his Mommy run his life. Your husband is lacking his b@lls or his spine or both!

Quote:
She doesn't let him see my family for the most part anymore because she wants to see him all the time.
I call BS!
Quote:
she henceforth told my husband to cut contact with his aunt...someone who loved him so much
Shame on your husband!
Quote:
I am worried that if she can do this to one so near and dear...what can she do to the rest of the people she barely knows
You're worried about how long until it's YOUR TURN! I don't blame you for worrying!

1. Do you and your husband owe your MIL money? If so, how much, for how long, and how long until you can pay it back?

2. How is YOUR husband's relationship with your parents?

3. Do you live next door to MIL because she OWNS the property? Or pays your rent?

Your MIL runs YOUR marriage and your husband's life ONLY because HE ALLOWS IT!

If you owe MIL money, GET A LOAN and pay her off NOW! Whatever it takes. Whatever interest rate.

Tell your husband that YOU are REQUIRING equal time for both families. In odd-numbered years, YOUR family gets Fourth of July & Christmas; HIS family gets Easter and Thanksgiving. In even numbered years you switch. NOBODY gets your New Year's Eve or wedding anniversary. (or however you TWO decide to divvy up the holidays).

Tell your husband that the closeness to his mother is TOO MUCH. That you believe she is coming between YOU TWO. That YOU do NOT want to live so close to her (especially when she makes subtle digs at you). That YOU do NOT want to have children with a BOY who lets his MOM run his life (is MIL going to tell you two WHEN to have children, too?)

Suggest that you and hubby sit down, write it out, come up with a FAIR compromise you can both live with.

If he is unwilling to do this, then *I* don't see any hope for this marriage. He is NOT putting you first, cleaving to his wife (if you're Bible-believers), forsaking all others, etc. Anyway you want to slice it, he is NOT performing as a husband should.
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Old 03-29-2013, 07:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mother in law ruining marriage

Wow, scary. Sounds like me in my first marriage. Both my MIL and my mother were telling us what to do. I think they had a contest or something. It is a miserable existence, not a life. It helped ruin my marriage trying to be the peacemaker. It set me up for untold misery of my own making.

I think he needs to read about boundaries and work on them. I think he needs to read No More Mister Nice Guy and start doing some work on himself.

He will be bouncing his loyalty back and forth for the rest of his life if he doesn't change. He will be creating his own miserable world.

Good luck. This is a real deal breaker. I hope you can get through to him. Seems like you got some good advice in the first reply. You have to take a stand for what you believe. He has to figure out what he believes and make a strong stand for that.
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Old 03-29-2013, 09:46 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mother in law ruining marriage

agreed - he is husband first, son next. run away before it gets any worse.......
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Old 03-30-2013, 04:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mother in law ruining marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by SlowlyGettingWiser View Post
Um, your problem isn't your MIL!

Your problem is that your husband isn't a MAN. He's a very tall BOY who still let's his Mommy run his life. Your husband is lacking his b@lls or his spine or both!
Spot on.

And even more - who is it that has trained him to be this little boy? Look in the mirror.

Because the way a little boy becomes a man is by having a real woman invoke consequences for acting like a little boy. You have allowed this behavior instead of putting your foot down.

When the son places the mother above the wife then I would imagine the appropriate response would be "fine then, you can just sleep with your mom from now on".

Make him remember which p*ssy he came out of vs. the one he wants to get into.
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