Coping With Marital Rape? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-02-2013, 10:32 PM Thread Starter
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Coping With Marital Rape?

My wife and I have been married for 11years. I have come to realize, possibly too late, that I may loose my wife due to my stupid and reckless desires to have sex with her. I believe I can change my desires, but do not know how I can help my wife believe that I can change. Any thoughts?
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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-02-2013, 11:11 PM
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Re: Coping With Marital Rape?

I think more details are needed. What exactly happened?

What does you wife have to say about what has happened?
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-03-2013, 03:02 AM Thread Starter
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My wife would wake up to me trying to arouse her sexually by giving her oral sex or even having sex with her until she woke up. Several times she would let me continue having sex. Sometimes she enjoyed having sex. Other times she would get mad and roll away or even cry.

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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-03-2013, 03:36 AM
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Re: Coping With Marital Rape?

Ok, so this is something the two of you should have come to an agreement on before you ever tried it.

Some people do not mind being woken up with sex. Others do.

Why would you repeat something that made her upset and ever made her cry? The answer to this is improtant.

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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-03-2013, 03:40 AM
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Re: Coping With Marital Rape?

No, no, NOOOOO!!!! Violating another person's body is NEVER okay, even if it is your spouse! Imagne the anxiety she must feel every time she falls asleep... My ex did this to me repeatedly, and now, 7 years later, I STILL cannot sleep in a house if other people are awake, no matter what kind of threat (or not), they present.

You say you believe you can change... What brought about the desire to change? Are you and your wife in counseling?
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-15-2013, 09:22 AM
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Re: Coping With Marital Rape?

Originally Posted by Casper1975 View Post
My wife would wake up to me trying to arouse her sexually by giving her oral sex or even having sex with her until she woke up. Several times she would let me continue having sex. Sometimes she enjoyed having sex. Other times she would get mad and roll away or even cry.
How much sex did you have when she was awake?

I can't think of any guy who'd rather have sneaky sleep sex than wide awake sex with a willing wife.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-15-2013, 09:53 AM
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Re: Coping With Marital Rape?

I'm troubled my your admission that she would cry and you still continued to do it. That suggests someone very self centered that really doesn't care whether his wife is happy, only that she might dump him. Someone that really doesn't care until THEIR life is messed up is poor marriage material. My ex hb was like that, didn't give a rats behind until I filed for divorce and his life was impacted.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-15-2013, 11:07 AM
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Re: Coping With Marital Rape?

Is she receptive to sex when you are both awake?
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-29-2013, 02:01 PM
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Re: Coping With Marital Rape?

Sounds like you are a very self centered selfish man. Do you ever think of what your wife needs or wants? Are you totally centered around what you want? Do you know what "lights her fire"? what is it she would like out of the relationship? My husband has been a "pig" about sex, forced what he wanted, not caring if it was enjoyable to me or if it hurt me. I think I can speak for most women, we want to be cared for, cherished, treated like a valuable fragile gift, we want to share a love and intimacy with our mate, but when you force what you want and don't care about us, you make us feel like a prostitute, used and abandonded!
Talk to her and start a caring loving relationship with her, think WE and not ME, ME, ME!

Last edited by forgiven; 06-29-2013 at 02:02 PM. Reason: typo
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 02:38 PM
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Re: Coping With Marital Rape?

Say a woman is at a party, & drinks alcohol to the point of unconsciousness. When a man has sex with her, it is rape. In every sense of the word. She cannot consent in her state, and it is RAPE, whether or not said man continues to the point of ejaculation or she awakes, protests, and he stops. He is violating her.

1. Is your act of penetrating and copulating with your unconscious, non-consenting wife morally different than the described rape above? If not, why? Is it because you believe that legally, she is required to provide you with a service?

2. Are you educated enough to even know how physically painful it is if she's not already aroused and physically prepared for intercourse? If not, read about it on women’s sexual health sites. Or, if you think that all vaginas are made already prepared to be invaded, read online "prison stories" by male inmates. Though I’m female, I know by my own experience of violent force, that rape of both orifices are horrifically painful. It’s no different because I’m female, and even if you’re not waking her to “violently” copulating with her, it’s painful emotionally and probably still physically. It can feel like glass. But she's just your wife and she owes you, right?

3. Are you aware that, even awaking her, already having commenced oral sex with her is a form of rape? She has not consented to that sexual activity, and it is described lawfully, as sex. She wasn’t asking for it, just by being there.

4. Also, don’t even delude yourself into thinking that waking her by oral is foreplay. It's not. Foreplay is about the passion of giving the other partner pleasure just for pleasure's sake, both her's and yours, in the moment. It’s not a tool to be used to push the "on" switch on a toy that will make it fire up, ready to make you happy. You don’t wake with the thought, “I’m turned on by the mere idea of giving her pleasure”. You said so in your second posted reply. Obviously, it’s all about you. I would also guess that when she wakes, if she does so before or without having an orgasm or arousal, you go ahead and get right to mission, which was NOT to satisfy her but to get her to satisfy you. As opposed to the alternative of just plundering ahead and sticking it in, un-lubricated, and non-consensually. But it's not really about her equal right to an orgasm, is it.

4. You say feel you have been "stupid and reckless" due to your "desires". It’s not reckless nor stupid to have repeatedly committed the same acts which you admit have made her cry immediately upon awaking to the sensation of being used. It’s willfully cruel and abusive, and not due to your “desires”, otherwise most men would be doing the same to their wives. All men, and most women have sexual desires, but most of us don’t force another person to have sex (asleep or not), then blame it on libido or anatomy. Don’t you have any idea WHY she’d sometimes wake up crying and angry (even if you BELIEVE she enjoys it at times? she may act like it out of resignation to make it end quicker, many do, don't kid yourself)? When asked for more detail “what does your wife say?”, your response showed no remorse at all that she’d wake and cry. Do you think that your perception that she occasionally enjoys it justifies using that tactic further, on the chances that "maybe she'll 'let me' forge ahead and she'll enjoy, maybe she'll just oblige, and the worst thing is that she'll just get mad and cry. It's a 3 way gamble, but worth a shot". Huh? How did it make you feel, if anything, when she'd wake up and cry? Self-entitled and defensive because she also got mad? Mad at her in the moment because you were thwarted in having your animal needs met? Mad because you felt she was making a fuss about nothing, or she was being petty or selfish? Did you finish your "business", satisfied, and sleepy like most post-orgasmic men, and roll over like a king and go back to sleep while your wife "got her act together"? Or did you get up with a spring in your step, leaving her with a drippy mess, likely sore, while you felt like "Hey, life's great"? But you have needs, like any bodily function. So, is using your wife’s body any different than using the toilet to relieve your bladder or bowels? Both are wet holes, and you're relieving your needs in both cases. Only when you enter your sleeping, unprepared wife, her hole is probably not wet. But who cares, right? Did you not have even the slightest twinge of remorse or shame when she'd roll away crying? Obviously not, if you continued to wake her up at times, shoving and humping her like an animal, having already experienced her reaction of pain, humiliation and hurt. Usually, blow-up dolls don't come in the box with emotions, and you don't have to feed them or put up with pesky objections to being used. Crying's a bummer, eh? A guy's got needs, right?

5. Like many men, you may justify your actions by saying your wife doesn't want to have sex often enough and withholds. So, maybe you wouldn't have felt the need to "initiate sex" in this way if she'd given you sex like she should have. Have you considered that over time, she realized that you viewed her like an object, so her feelings about sex and/or you eroded? You might have even started out as a couple with a respectful, mutually happy sex life. Whatever. But, have you tried really examining your attitude and even subtle behaviors toward her? It doesn’t take physical beatings to make another person feel belittled in an unspoken way. That can kill a woman’s sex drive.

6. Why do you even want to preserve your loveless marriage? What's to preserve? It doesn't make a difference that it's lasted 11 years. In that time, you've blatantly shown her a total lack of respect. Because you have a penis, and she's your "wife", you've treated her as a sexual servant, no less than a prostitute. But even prostitutes have the right to say "no". Continuing to rape your wife while not feeling remorse also says that you're not capable of loving her, or maybe any other partner. Most men would NEVER do what you have done. You are not the rule, you are the exception. Again, don't kid yourself. Decent men don't do this. Why would your wife believe that you'd change if you've violated her for years, or repeatedly, as you've said? The ONLY reason you claim to WANT to change now, is at the threat of her leaving. You've only just "COME" to realize this "possibly too late". That says that you've been raping her right up to the moment she's said she's done being raped. Which is sexual abuse. If you’ve raped her right up to this point, she’s met her abuse limit, so why even admit you should “change”. And she should believe you? The way you phrased it, "how can I help my wife believe...?", is incredibly ignorant. You can’t take back years of rape and disregard. If you only stopped because you were forced to, you can't change either, since you didn't want to anyway. Also, how can you change your behavior if you don’t respect her as a human with the right to consent or refuse sex?

7. Do you have a daughter? A mother? A sister? Let’s say you have a daughter. I hope you do. How would you feel if you discovered that her husband was waking her up, forcing her to have sex by ramming it in while she was sleeping? How would you react if you found out that your little girl was regularly waking up to being treated like a dog, already having been penetrated and humped, sometimes giving in and "letting" him finish his business? How would you feel if you learned that she woke up sometimes, crying because he was treating her like a toilet, getting off inside her when she awoke? Can you picture your or anyone's daughter, weeping and rolling away from the person they married, who they trusted to love, respect, and care for them? Can you picture her being used and dumped on, penetrated and raped for years, at times just giving in because it's easier? Would you feel like strangling that man and advise her to get the hell out of that marriage? Or would you want her to give in, since he has his needs, and it’s his right? Would you want her to lay there, suck it up, and just take it for years?

So, I want you to graphically imagine seeing your grown, married daughter (I so want to believe you have one) in this scenario. Imagine being a fly on the wall, at say, 7 am, when your daughter is sound asleep. (FYI, know that climbing atop a person while they’re face up will wake them immediately, before you ever enter, due to your weight. And so would rolling them on top of you. They would have time to object. You know this firsthand. I know you do. So I also know you likely always take your wife, going at her from behind, or mounting her while she’s sleeping on her belly. "SURPRISE!!!"). Ok, now see the scene as her husband wakes up and climbs on top of her. While she’s still asleep, imagine her then waking up, face down, while being pounded into the mattress, weighted down like a mated animal, cringing in horror as her owner/keeper/husband gets off inside her. Usually, men won't stop if they have momentum going and are very close to orgasm. You know this. And watch in your mind, as this man collapses on top of her in sheer, selfish, heavy satisfaction, or coldly rolls off of her with a great sigh like after a morning whiz, except in your child. How does it feel to watch your little girl roll away sobbing, probably curled up? Now imagine that the man in that scene you see is you, and the girl being used, crying, is your wife. Imagine seeing that scene on a repeat basis, but with maybe varying sexual positions of male dominance (in order to enter without opposition). Or imagine seeing that woman, waking up already being thrust upon, but having a look of grim, hopeless resignation. Pleasant? A turn-on? Now just imagine if your child daughter were to walk in then, with you assaulting your wife and your girl seeing her mom immediately roll away from “Daddy” crying. What do you think your little one (or even a son seeing this) would think of their father? How do you think they'd feel about you when they got older and understood what you had been doing to their mother?

By the way, I have a male friend (no, I don't hate men, just rapists), who discovered as an adult, that his father had and was still sexually abusing his mother at the time. He beat his dad so badly that his father was hospitalized. He discovered why his mother had left a couple times and come back during his childhood. Each time she left, his dad had apparently begged her to believe that he'd change. My friend's mother begged his dad to drop all charges to keep him from going to jail, so then his mother went back to a life of sexual abuse. She ultimately died of hepatitis C, infected by the dad from his extramarital affairs. So he was cheating on her outside the marriage, then coming home and raping her ritually, bringing home abuse and disease.

You don't really want to change, you just want to keep your wife around for some reason. Maybe you're afraid of the cost of divorce, loss of joint property, her income (?), maybe having to pay alimony, or maybe just losing having someone who will cook, clean, launder, and occasionally give in to your sexual needs. Your sexual morality is like a thief's (only worse): it's only a problem since your wife has said she's done with you. Since you have zero respect for your wife, why didn't you just file for divorce before you became marital rapist? It's so much cheaper to hire prostitutes occasionally, without entanglements, than living a lie and having a bitter, costly divorce. Why didn't you become single again, and have noncommittal sex hookups? They're easily found online. Plenty of women are out there who are game.

Don't say you didn't file for divorce because you love her. You would still continue raping and using her indefinitely if she never threatened to leave. And therefore, you will go back to it if she gives in and stays, even if you hold out and stop for a while. Abusers always do.

This reply is very late, as I only just saw your post. I hope it finds you, divorced, penniless, and jailed for spousal rape.

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 05:36 PM
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Re: Coping With Marital Rape?

Originally Posted by Casper1975 View Post
My wife and I have been married for 11years. I have come to realize, possibly too late, that I may loose my wife due to my stupid and reckless desires to have sex with her. I believe I can change my desires, but do not know how I can help my wife believe that I can change. Any thoughts?
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What I have read is that you have some degree of remorse, no what you did was wrong, and you intend to change yourself. That is all good. I suggest that you do just that and change yourself. Tell you W that you are sorry, apologize, tell her you were very wrong to do what you did.

Then live your life differently and respect her boundaries.

That is basically all you can do, with the exception of marriage counseling. The rest is up to her and how much of any love remains in her heart for you.

If it were me (and it wouldn't be), I would embark on some kind of religious pilgrimage or educational journey to seek spiritual grace so that I would be changed and never tempted by my own needs over those I loved.
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