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post #16 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-11-2013, 09:21 PM
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 6,100
Re: Looking for a book on communication...

Originally Posted by husbandinwaiting View Post
Shut down is a *****. Cross a line, and the whole thing comes to an end. Unresolved, no progress. Hate it.
Preaching to the choir. I hate it when my husband does that to me too.

I joke now I'm kinda like a husband whisperer. I have to speak softly to get him to rejoin me when he checks out. I can do it if I speak softly, touch him gently and reassure him that I love him and that he means everything to me.

He's also willing to work with me on this so he does meet me halfway. Sometimes though he just gets stuck and can't.

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post #17 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-11-2013, 09:27 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 62
Re: Looking for a book on communication...

Right now I would feel lucky to get a hello.

She made plans to spend her b day with girlfriends. Imagine my disappointment when I asked her to dinner. Finally settled on Fri night. Kind of expecting her to make an excuse to cancel. I don't even want heavy conversation, just some small talk would do. A beginning, something that didn't end in drama.

Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost.
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post #18 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-11-2013, 09:31 PM
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Re: Looking for a book on communication...

Ouch. Okay I'm not sure my book recommendation will help with that.

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post #19 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-11-2013, 09:37 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
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Re: Looking for a book on communication...

Originally Posted by Mavash. View Post
Ouch. Okay I'm not sure my book recommendation will help with that.

No I doubt there is one single authority for my situation. I'm used to pulling pieces together. Helps understanding the mistakes of the past as well. Keep from repeating history. My poor com. Skills have contributed to the downhill slide of the past few weeks. I have a good opportunity tomorrow, need to seize it and do something positive.

Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost.
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post #20 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-11-2013, 10:43 PM
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Re: Looking for a book on communication...

Makes sense. I single handedly destroyed my marriage and it took years, therapy and reading A LOT of books to put the pieces together to fix mine.

Read it took YEARS to undo what I'd done.

It takes 3 months of good behavior to undo every year of bad.
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post #21 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-17-2013, 04:42 PM
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Re: Looking for a book on communication...

Here I got some help from this one...

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love: Sue Johnson:

Tried MC yet?

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

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ADHD and Marriage
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post #22 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-19-2013, 03:24 PM
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Pennsilvania
Posts: 114
Re: Looking for a book on communication...

Here is the one thing i can teach you. Speak to your wife and ask her to start sentences like this:

1) Honey I need to talk:

When she says this it means SHE needs to talk and it has nothing to do with you other than she needs someone to talk to. She values you enough that she wants to talk to you about things and in this case your reply is easy. Sit, listen, say nothing and don't attempt to "FIX" anything. Just listen.

2) Honey I need advice:

This means it is not about you but something she seeks your valued opinion on. It means you sit, listen and when she finishes give her thoughtful input on how you might handle such and such or on what you think about what she just asked for advice on. Again no "FIXING" things just advice.

3) Honey I need help:

Once more you are in no trouble, this is not about you or the two of you. It is something she needs you to "FIX" so put on the mister fix-it hat and when she is done help her. Fix it for her and make it better.

We men tend to want to FIX everything for our wives and more often than not they don't want you to fix it just to listen or give input.

Now onto the last one.
4) Honey we need to talk:

This IS about you or you and her. You need to listen, respond and perhaps fix with this one. You brace for the talk and ensure you remain cool and collected. Do not yell, scream or become irate. Listen careful, reply where you can (calmly and clearly) and do what you must to act on this one.


You must also start off the same when you expect one of the following reactions, a ear, advice, help or discussion.


Now she knows how to talk to you and you her. You need to teach her more about how you talk and what to do with you. these also apply to you both as she might need to walk away to keep from becoming angry.

1) set up a trigger something you can do so you remain calm and do not yell or scream. For me my wife knows i will say i need air and i will go for a walk. During my walk i might mutter, curse or talk to myself but i get it out all the angry and when i return I know she will be ready to resume our discussion and so will i.

2) be sure she asks for what she wants not beat around the bush. I have found my wife at times will not come out and say hey do the dishes or whatever it is she needs help with. Teach her men are direct and often don't pick up on signals. We are taught from a young age to take the direct route to get what we want. No short cuts, no games.

3) You MUST find a way to speak calmly and clearly on subjects even personal ones. occasionally if my wife believes it is too personal for me to speak directly on she might text me. It sounds in personal but sometimes it works. You have to follow up the text exchange with talking but it breaks the ice.


Last both start from any position that neither wants to hurt the other ever. So if you or her say something and the words come out wrong know she or you didn't mean them hurtfully. Do not ever say anything harmful to the other and your communication will improve. You can brooch real sore subjects even sex without calling names or laying blame.

Never ever take your problems to others. If you have a problem with your spouse speak to the spouse not your friends and co-workers. Every time my wife meets a co-worker or a they say how i always say such nice things about her or how she must be an angel. And when her friends meet me they same wow you must be quite a man she speaks so well of you. others can be divisive in relationships and hurtful to you and your spouse. They can capitalize of issues in the marriage or spread rumors that frankly you don't need.

I speak to my spouse because 1) I value her opinion 2) My issues with the marriage are between her and I and no one else 3) She is my best friend.

these rules have helped my marriage and my wife and I's communication considerably. I start my conversations the same way as her, I need to talk, i need advice, i need help or we need to talk. It always sets the mood of anticipation of the response desired. it opens the doors to better and more open communication.

I know i made this how to talk to him and her but all the above goes for both of you. It takes two people on the same page to carry a meaningful conversation.
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