munkie

I am 23 years old and English. my husband is 33 and Moroccan, we met in Tenerife while we were working in the same hotel and were together 1 year before moving back to England to get married.
it was my choice to bring him to England, we could have happily lived in tenerife but i missed my family.
we have been married now for 15 months, we have had many many problems since getting married, he is depressed living in england, he hates the weather the people the government everything to do with england but we cannot afford to move away again plus if we leave before September next year he looses the chance to get a permanent British visa which we really want him to have.
due to this stress he feels being here he fights with me all the time and he cannot control his temper!
i say the tiniest things and if he doesnt like it he gets mad and his tempers can last for hours or even days!
he gets mad at me talking to people, at laughing with someone, if i wear something slightly revealing, if i accidently wake him up he goes crazy! he has never hit me but im afraid he will one day, he has threatened to throw things at me and even last night he got mad because i told him i dont like it when he watched his moroccan tv when im in the house because i want to watch something with him! he got really mad at me for getting upset that he got mad and told me he would do somehing and not care if he went to jail!
i dont know what to do! everything i say or do makes him angry! but then wen he gets mad i get mad then he gets madder an i get angryer! viscous circle, only difference is i dont get mad unless he gets mad at me and i can relax after 5 mins but he will be mad for hours,
he always brings up the arguments afterwards and it starts again.
i love my husband so much, when he is happy he is the nicest kindest man u could ever meet, but when hes angry hes a completely different person who says really awful things on purpose to upset me!
its grating me down everytime he does this and iv tried so much to try to help him control his temper, iv bought him self help books, calming pills, he wont see a doctor and now i dont know what to do.

Blanca

Buy him a ticket back to Tenerife. If he's not willing to work on his temper there's no point is putting yourself in danger.

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munkie

Hes my husband. i made the choice to marry him, i dont want the easy option of giving up and leaving him, i want a way to make this work, i dont want to be divorced

Sandrazc

I'm so sorry that you're going through that..
Have you tried sitting him down and asking him if there's any way the both of you can decide in meeting in the middle with plans for the future of maybe moving out of England for awhile. I do know you said that it's not in your budget to move just yet but if he's totally stressing because he just doesn't like it out there, maybe choosing a mutual place would make him feel at ease and makes things a tad better. Let him know that you care about what he thinks/feels. Communication is key.. So try talking to him about how u feel and vice versa.

Blanca

having him leave is not the easy option. taking his abuse is- ironically enough- the easy option.

sending him away may be rash. you could try leaving when he reacts that way. although, i cannot imagine living in that environment and not being caught up in it. You are trying to help him but at the same time you are building up resentment against him and pushing him away. You hate him and want to hurt him, but at the same time you love him and want to hug him. its an insane cycle.

although he doesnt drink, you might look into the books on the alanon site. abused women have a knack for becoming so absorbed in this insane cycle of love/hate that they completely lose themselves in it- they lose their life to it almost like an alcoholic loses it to the drink. again, i know he's not a drinker but abuse has the same effect no matter the source. alanon can help you reclaim your sanity. the scary part about getting better, though, is instinctively you know you cant stay with the abuser. you'll have to let him go if he wont change. that is the hard part. continuing to take the abuse and resolve yourself as his savior, becoming the martyr, is the easy way.

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lisakifttherapy

It sounds like your husband made some pretty significant changes when he moved to England to be with you - and is deeply unhappy.

That being said - ideally he takes responsiblity for whatever emotional struggles he's having and for the behavior that is a result. Have you tried telling him how his behavior makes you feel? Sometimes that can be helpful.

Try saying something about how you can only imagine how hard it is to be in a country he may not feel connected to - and feel stuck. If this is part of the problem maybe he can find a local Moroccan community to tap into?

Depression not only impacts the individual but the relationship. His anger may very well be an expression of this depression. Perhaps you can try to encourage couples counseling with him, letting him know that the way he's been acting has been seriously impacting the marriage - but you want to work on it because you love him!

A couples counselor should be able to identify if depression is part of the picture and go from there to suggest additional resources.

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Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Author The Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples - and
The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples

Creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com
Marriage, Relationship and Emotional Health