WOW! Thanks for the replies everyone, I will try and address the questions
Have you tried explaining that you really miss the affection, intimacy and physical enjoyment of a romantic relationship with her?
I have recently explained this. And she told me that she does think it is important, just is unable to see through the pain.
Originally Posted by Zookeepertomany View Post
I'm saying she is most likely crushed mentally. We can only imagine what it is like for her to go from productive to nothing. ...
It may not be that she is ignoring her vows but honestly can't from pain. It sounds like she has tried. How horrible it must be to have tried and tried and pain of such intensity surely will make you feel like a failure as a person and wife.
Instead of wasting time on writing a craiglist ad he should of written why he loves his wife and the promises he made and kept reminding himself in sickness and in health for better or for worse.
We live in such a throw away society. He admits she tried. Being a caregiver is not easy either.
You divorce her if you can't do your vows but you don't cheat.
Thanks for your insight. You are correct, she feels horrible and worthless not being able contribute to either house work or relationship needs. She was a very active person (more so than me) before the injury and this has caused serious depression. She has tried therapy, and is just not committed to it (yet).
And your right about the CL add, that was a low point for me and woke me up to the severity of my
problems with the situation.
Doctor J....I take it she has chronic pain....what kind of pain management prograns are available in your area? Is she a candidate for a pain pump or an implant? There are lots of options out there....it sounds like she needs to work on getting her pain management under control....if your pain is to high it will take your will to enjoy anything away. I was injured 20 yrs ago at work and suffered an upper thoracic spinal cord injury. I will always have pain...but I have learned to live with that pain and still enjoy a very full life. Does she have a supprt group or therapy group she goes to for her pain management?
Sorry to hear about your pain. Hers is nerve damage which has lead to significant pain, inability to lift anything and is severely affected by cold, wind and barometric pressure. She is on various medications, but they can do nothing for the root of the cause and also add many side-effects. We have no pain clinic near by and she is not supposed to do any massage, physio or other treatments. She is unfortunately adverse to the idea of therapy and is too shy to attend a support group. I am slowly working her into that idea as I know it could be beneficial to meet people in the same situation.
This makes me think that things were already on a downhill spiral. It makes me wonder....let's say that a person is not getting along with their spouse. They've only been married a couple years. They're basically sexless and the HD spouse is on the verge of leaving and getting a divorce. Then, before the HD spouse can leave, the LD spouse gets injured. Before the injury, most would say the HD spouse has the moral high ground to leave because the LD spouse isn't keeping up their side of the bargain. But does the HD spouse suddenly lose the high ground because of the injury? Personally I don't think so. And in this case he stuck it out for a dozen torturous years after. But the fact is, she cut off the sex way before getting hurt.
WOW! you are so very correct! At this point it is so blurred as to when the pain began, and when the LD began. Was she not interested before the pain...or did this cause the LD? I myself have aways been co-dependant and low confidence so I am always worried that if the pain was gone...would she suddenly see that it was me, and not the pain? It is a constant battle in my head and it drives me nuts!
Aside from sex, is she affectionate with you? For me, that would be the real deal breaker. As long as I was at least getting physical contact and affection, then I could maybe survive without sex.
I am confused about something else though. She gets disability but you still have to work 2 jobs just to make ends meet? Either you work for minimum wage only (unlikely for someone who has to be at least 30-40 years old) or you have rather expensive tastes.
She is not affectionate for the past 2 years. She does say she loves me and it feels genuine, but she admitted the other night that when she shows me affection (hugging and cuddling) that she worries I will take it the wrong way, then I initiate sex, then get rejected (which leaves me in a slump).
As to the jobs / disablitity: She had to leave almost 8 years ago. Where we live there is a Work Place Insurance system that is supposed to cover you in the event of a work injury. This system is flawed and corrupt and we have been fighting for her benefits for over 12 years, and up until this January were receiving nothing. As she could not work I needed a second job to cover the bills. Now that she has disability I could quite my second job. However as her pension is not enough for her to live on (and still less than 50% of what she made before injury) I am putting as much money as possible in her future. It is very important for me that if anything was to happen to me (or us) that she would be looked after. As well it is a very real possibility that her condition will progress to the stage of needed full time care in the future. We had a recent visit with a financial adviser and if things go according to plan I should not have to work 2 jobs by the end of next year.
Thanks for reading everyone, it is a daily struggle, and just being able to talk about it makes it easier.