01-04-2010, 12:16 PM
Join Date: Jan 2010
| | Sex Issue..
Backstory: (to give you a better idea of whats going on)
I am 28 and my fiance is 25(getting married in two weeks) have been dating for about 5 years now and have been living together for 4 of those years. We've had ups and downs in those years as usual and our sex lives were fantastic. Go to sex stores to get toys and all around enjoy each others company and sensuality. This intensity was constant up until about a year and a half ago. So Ill start there.
A year and a half ago we moved in with my parents to their pool house (more like an open space over the garage). Tough decision, but we wanted to buy a house and I needed to clear my debt to raise my credit rating and lower/eliminate monthly payments. We were renting a house before the dreaded move to their place. I had a negative childhood with my mother and it still lingers to this day; she has a behavioral disorder and really affects a lot of things. My fiance knows that and has anxiety around my mom. We knew what we were getting into and our friends and family constantly let us know.
We BOTH experienced low sex drives and every aspect of our lives became mundane and robotic. From the activities to sex. They all became unemotional. Throw that in with living in that space with 3 dogs and a cat. Pure chaos! We got to the point where all our sex began and ended upstairs in my parents guest shower doggie style so obviously facing away from each other. This I feel was not helping with the emotional connection. I could tell the emotion and passion from the sex becoming diluted, but I was in another place in my mind with everything that I didn't care/or really notice. We couldn't be loud and had to feel paranoid and restricted every time. After sex we both got on separate computers (though in the same little "loft area") and did our separate things. We had the additional anxiety of planning our wedding that is coming up and she had to do this without her parents that live 2k miles away. We did this for a year and a half.
Towards the end of this journey I new what we were doing was wrong so I brought up a date night once a week. She loved that idea and we did that till we moved out. So we reached our goal and bought a house. We have been living in it for three months and love it. Less stress from the parents and those living quarters but it seems like the sex was left behind as well.
We still have sex, but is mostly initiated by me and she wasn't even getting into it. As I noticed that she didn't fall back to the way it was before I brought up my findings to her. We have always had a great communication so this was the easy part. She didnt know what was causing this and told me that she wasn't getting turned on although, she was still having orgasms. She mentioned that she was aware and it made her feel frustrated and bad about herself. So we broke the barrier and I planted the seed for another discussion.
A couple weeks past and I brought it up again hoping to find a reason. I brought up everything that I mentioned here and the backstory and asked if that was the issue. She mentioned that since then, sex felt "naughty" and not the naughty good way. She felt like anything other than missionary was wrong. After a deeper discussion she stated that she thinks it is because what happened at my parents since we had to constantly be on edge and quiet. That, along with the mundane that it formed. She felt that the only way to get her into it or back in the swing of things is possibly to have romantic sex, no spontaneous sex, or daylight sex. Oh and I have noticed that when we have sex or are naked she glances at the windows to see if they are open or not. Same thing at my parents. Am I crazy or is there a connection?
So this weekend we were watching a movie with most of the lights off and the candles burning along with the fire and had sex on the couch. She told me afterwards that is what she is talking about, romance wise. Even the next day when we woke up she asked if we had sex 4 other times that night because she dreamed that we did and it felt so real. Could this be progress?
I have been trying my hardest to not let the preceding events affect me although it has been hard, but I ultimately want to get our sex life back to a place where sex is initiated by both of us. It feels good to be wanted by your lover, partner and soon to be wife and I want both of us to be happy. My goal is to get us out of this slump/situation before it got to a place where it cant be fixed.
What can I do to help bring her back the excitement of sex and love making? Things I should say or exercises to do. I know that it takes work to get out of a funk and constant attention otherwise it can fall away to an unreachable place.
I have an idea to help get her out of the "naughty" frame of mind and have a day out of the week where SHE sets the mood and tries to be the lover on the prowl by initiating sex and wearing something sexy from her articles that she already owns. I am hoping to be pro-active, so to speak. Would this be a good idea?
Last edited by photosoflife; 01-04-2010 at 12:49 PM.