jessicaanne

About 6 months ago on vacation with our kids, my husband told me that he does not find me attractive any more, but he still loves me. (I am slightly overweight, but not to the plus sizes, and my son left me with stretch marks)

Well, I had been feeling better about myself than I had since my son was born, and that knocked me right out. I have never felt so crushed and I can't seem to get over this.

The kicker is, even though he is still not attracted to me, he wants to make love a few times a week, but is not affectionate at all during the day.

I keep swinging back and forth from the "lose all the weight and get plastic surgery" to make him happy (I tried Vela - the first treatment left me so severly bruised I didn't heal for a month - and he wanted me to go back and try it some more) to doing nothing, and thinking it will get better.

I have two kids with him that absolutely adore him, and I can't imagine not letting them be with their dad every day, but it is harder and harder to be with him.

Any advice would help, I can't bring this up to anyone I know because my friends would absolutely hate my husband...

themrs

That sucks.

What specifically does he want you to look like? I mean, is it just a matter of getting back down to the size you were when you married him and dressing up?

jessicaanne

Funny thing is, I only weigh 10 more pounds than I did on our wedding day, but my rib cage expanded and my hips expanded with the two kids (not much, but even when I got down to 10lbs less after my first child - they were still 1-2 inches wider, in circumfrence, than I was before)

Before I met him, I got over anorexia, got healthy, and was a low-normal weight, we dated for 3 years and when we got married I had quit smoking and was a higher weight but still within the normal range. I am now just out of that range, but mostly it is that I no longer have no hips and I have curves and a bit of a tummy from babies.

themrs

You can't help that you are wider. If you had the kids vaginally, your pelvis broke and it will never go back to the way it was before. That's just the facts of life.

If I were you'd I ask him to be specific about what he finds unattractive. It may not be the way you look, but more of the attitude you have now is unattractive to him. When you look good, you feel good and it shines through in every way. When you don't feel good about yourself, it can come across as needy and depressing.

Mal74

I'm sorry to be harsh but your husband sounds like an idiotic a$$hole. What kind of man says something like that to his wife? I would have kicked him straight in the gonads for saying such a terrible thing. What a JERK!

Star is absolutely right - if you want to look better, do it for yourself and yourself alone. Meanwhile, close up your legs to that sorry excuse for a male, and get busy being with supportive friends.

I'm just appalled. Speechless, even.

themrs

I won't go that far. I mean, at least he is honest. If I'm not looking or feeling my best, my husband would rather die than tell me I'm unattractive to him even if it's the truth. I'd much rather the truth.

The curious part about her scenerio is that he still has sex with her. Do you think he's thinking of someone else while he does it? If he's not attracted to her physically, why does he still have sex with her?

themrs

I know. I'd be confused as hell. Either you are attracted to me or you're not. He's sending mixed signals.

Mal74

Honest is one thing, tactless, thoughtless, cruel, and hurtful is another.

triton1984

Anyone saying that to their spouse then still wanting to have a physical relationship is not making love...it is just easy to get sex. He is taking care of his physical needs....hopefully you get something from it physically as well because I imagine you are emotionally confused.

I agree with Mal74....he is an idiotic a$$hole.

artieb

He's attracted to you, but not in the same way as he used to be. He's probably confused about it too. This is a WAG, but I'll use my psychic powers and explain the motivation of a guy I never met, and you see if what I say sounds plausible.

In his mind, "attractive" means "what does she look like?", and in that regard you are at present apparently not his ideal. It's instructive that you were on holiday at the time, and it was the summer. I'm going to guess that you went to a beach or pool or something, and he didn't like how you looked in your bathing suit, and somewhat idiotically interpreted that as "she's unattractive". The extra weight you describe is pretty minimal; in a skirt and turtleneck sweater, it's probably not even noticeable. Now, it's winter, you're wearing clothes that hide the few extra pounds, and so there's no longer anything to see that bothers him.

In addition, while men tend to be highly visual, they aren't solely visual. Pheromones play a role too. So even if you don't look very good in a Wicked Weasel bikini, when you get next to him the chemical signals your body gives off can get into his brain and drive him crazy for sex. The memory of good sex you've had before is still in there, and the extra pound or two doesn't really make any difference once you're both naked and horizontal. If you were a good kisser before, you're still a good kisser, and if he likes kissing a few extra pounds won't change that at all.

He's a bit of a tactless doofus, but my guess is that he isn't entirely aware of his own feelings, and that's part of why he's tactless. You don't need to break up with him, I don't think. If you think anything I've said is right, you might talk to him about it, tell him how he hurt your feelings, and ask him if there's really nothing about your body he finds attractive at all.

On the "lose those pounds" thing, you might look into the Shangri-La diet. A friend of mine on Facebook recommended it, saying he'd lost 15 pounds quite effortlessly.

Choose2love

I would like to add that he has a need for sex. Men need sex like humans need water. Whether he finds you attractive or not, you are his source for sex... this would explain the lack of affection outside of sex. Just a thought. I dont know if I would talk to him about it, you know him well enough to know if he is the kind of man thta will react well to "talking" or not. If he is not, then dont do it as he will further lose interest in you for disclosing a perceived insecurity (thats how it will come across if he is the type that doesnt like to talk anyway). For now, just be thankful he still has sex with you!

Mr.PotentialFulfilled

At least you are doing something about it! I admire you for that. And at least you're still making love! There is hope!

Don't judge your husband for feeling the way he does or saying what he said. It's very hard for a man to have to feel this way just like it is for a woman. But you and your husband have open dialog and you are still making love. THERE IS HOPE!

My poor friend's wife does not do anything to try to make herself look more attractive for him. And they hardly ever make love. You can imagine how he feels.

java

What a schmuck! If you are happy with the way you look....screw him. He can still love you and still have sex with you....unfortunately he can close his eyes and you are anyone while he is having sex with you. I would cut him off if that is the only affection he wants....

Get yourself some sexy stuff....get your hair done, doll your self up...make yourself feel good....and leave him be. He will want you even more and if he sees you spicing it up without him he will be attracted to you and more affectionate through the week if he thinks it will get him something later. When he makes advances to have sex...take that as affection and not let it go all the way...then walk away....

Have control, get control. Are you attracted to him? If he has flaws maybe you should point those out and see what HE can do to fix them for you.

Screw him. If you feel good about how you look....that is all that matters. There is more to marriage than sex and until you get more don't give him the sex.

My opinion....flaunt what you have....maybe if he sees other people find you desirable...it will make him desire you more too.

Good luck!

__________________
java...

"practicing patience..."

manchild

as a man I would focus upon the positives

1. he still is having sex with you so you must have something that he wants and desires as base as it may seem
2. he though you can debate his tact, has shared with you a very delicate personal feeling (in an indelicate manner) so on a spiritual and emotional level he is still with you

as we all go through life we all evolve, I'm not the same man I was 10 years ago and I will be different in another 10 years........different desires, different attractions etc

all marriages require a modicum of compromise and growth, find out what makes you passionate, your passion will be attractive to him as it will make you self fullfilled and confident and confidence is the ultimate turn on for men

we want to be with that self possessed woman who is in command of herself, her emotions and spiritual well being

sure you can lose weight and perhaps even get plastic surgery but that is only addressing one component to his attraction, I'd focus upon a spiritual makeover (and I am not talking about religion) as opposed to a physical one the spiritual makeover will last the rest of your life the physical one will fade