Choose2love

I was just having a quick early lunch and Dr Phil was on. He flashed up this life lesson from one of his books-

"you teach others how to treat you"

-and it made me think about all of our sex issues... mine, and everyone else I hear or read about. Reflecting, I really think I did teach my husband how to treat me sexually. I always said yes to him when he wanted sex and didnt complain in the beginning about being said no to... I would simply turn over in bed, then remove myself to another room for a while, then overnight. Then, I began to fight back... why is it ok for him to say no when I say yes, dammit!? I now see the only true way to have resolved this would have been to not call him, leave him if he was not willing to say yes when I asked for sex or affection. But, it was not just the mere act of staying that reinforced him believing that it was ok to be the way he was... he actually felt MORE entitled to it being that way because he could justify saying NO due to my "poor behavior" in his eyes. So in essence, no wonder he doesnt feel that things are his way, he believes he is reacting to me... but the kicker is I am reacting to him... HIS initial behavior of saying no or pushing me away. He saw all of those "arguments" as me being psycho or out of control... fueling his desire even more to say no more often.... the cycle continued.

So, I taught him to feel free to say no... also with the fact that I kept saying yes... made him further believe that his routine was ok with me. GOD! WHYDIDNT I SEE THIS BEFORE THIS WAY! Thanks Dr Phil... something made me turn on the tv for my quick l;unch and I was meant to see that portion of the show.

This is also why it is so difficult to undo it, because people resist change. My husband abhors change. SO he is totally freaked out by the change that HAS to take place for their to be balance in our relationship. If it cant change. then the awful cycle will keep continuing.

On the positive note, we have had sex again. Like Okiedokie, I am not holding my breath but am hopeful its not just because hehit his limit and he actually wants to attempt some regular sex for a while. He has taught me that when we do go through a fit of sex, then it follows with a rut usually do to some justification for saying no bc of something I did, or he perceived I did (many times the latter as he attaches meanings to statements or looks of mine that arent part of my intention... and instead of asking me, he jumps at me with a defense that wasnt even needed). He is scared of me and has 100% no reason to be scared of me, I adore him, he is my world and my love and I find every habit or quirk awesome even after all we have been through because they are part of him. All I want from him is that he loves me in return and expresses that love in phyiscal form, but I cant make him.

Anyway, I have a busy afternoon to get to... let me leave you with the thought of-

"we teach others how to treat us"

-and think about how your own actions words, reactions etc, may be conditioning your spouses sexual behavior with you.

cherishedby1

Wow, and I'm not always too happy with Dr Phill. But that one really makes clear sense!

okeydokie

well, we are also in a better spot right now. we have had some very serious discussions recently and we both laid out the things we wold like to see improved. not going to get into the specifics but it has been better and we are both trying harder to be in tune with the other. we had sex after the fight/discussion (as most do) and once since, twice in 7 days. she still doesnt seem to want it when the kids are in the house (even when they are asleep).

all in all, i am happier the way things are now, alot more work to do. hope it continues to get better for you CHOOSE, your a sweet kid

themrs

I agree. I used to tell my husband no alot or I didn't initiate sex even if I wanted it. That made him timid and wary of my rejection so he stopped initiating it as much.

Now I have to initiate more and I really wish he would be more assertive in that area of our lives.