Nekko

Fully agree with the post before me, and sorry to be off topic, but i request the same kinda advice for the womens' side of the forum .

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- When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another. -

mirmex

I also agree with "Alone emotionally" and "lonely spouse". I am 42 and have one kid. We have been married for 10 years. I haven't had many relationships before because at the time I was terribly shy and almost unable to talk coherently to any girl that attracted me. Nevertheless, before knowing my wife I did have a "crazy" relationship with a girl that taught me a lot about sex but who was unable to be serious in any way (the relationship ended in a very funny way but this is another story). After that, I felt exhausted and I was more than happy to find a serious girl with whom I could plan something. She didn't want sex before marriage and I respected that. But I didn't imagine that the situation would not change after our wedding. It was very difficult almost from the beginning but even though I kept trying for quite a lot. Eventually we got a kid, which was something of a miracle considering the frequency of intimacy. Little by little I felt tired of the situation, and insisted and tried no more. Nowadays, the situation is that I have lost all physical interest in her and I am afraid also all affection I had for her. It is almost one year since we had our last contact. And I write "last" because I do not expect to have another one in the future. We both adore our kid, personally I couldn't imagine I could love a human being so much. I cannot deplore to have know my wife because that would mean that my little princess would have never existed and I cannot imagine the world without her. But I am stuck in a terrible situation. I am not a saint and I feel the attraction of women very intensively. On the other hand, I do not want to cheat my wife because it would cost me a lot psychologically to live on lies and having to hide something. In some occasions I meet nice girls and invite them to have a coffee with me. I am not a bad looking guy and have a good reputation in my work. Because I have a very high profile job, there is virtually no girl that would refuse an invitation from my part (although I am aware that this is more due to my position than to my physical appearance). But when I am taking this coffee with a girl I immediately feel stop by an internal mechanism of repression and I am unable to go any further than that. And at night, before falling asleep, I almost exclusively think on having sex with one girl or the other. For a long time I tried to explain my wife that I cannot live without sex, but she seemed unable to understand this. I event felt guilty for this in some occasions although I tried to convince myself that this a natural need. I must add that this is not the full story. We have very different personalities and interests. I think we still would have problems even with the sex issue solved. In a nutshell, I do not enjoy life with her. On the other hand the idea of separation or divorce scares me. And specially if I think of my daughter. I do not want to harm her and to make her a child of a split family. I am in an awful situation right now and I understand the feeling of "Alone Emotionally" getting into an airplane and thinking "ok, if I die I die". It is as if I knew that the only way out would be to divorce my wife and start from scratch, but I do not have the courage to take the decision. I just perpetuate the situation like that. Everyday I feel that I can resist just for one or two days maximum but I keep on going. The thing that terrifies me more is the long term, seeing myself in the same situation after 5 years or more and with the impression of having lost my life for nothing. Sad, very sad...

mirmex

...and in addition: I am also very annoyed by the fact that we only have one child. I would have loved to have more, ideally up to four, but at least two. Although my wife "in theory" also wanted more children, when it came to the "practical procedures" she always found an excuse to postpone it. Now that I realize that I may have no more children I feel devastated, both for me and for my child's sake. Right now, writing this, I cannot avoid tears running through my face.

gmailgirl

This is really sad. Keep us posted mirmex. Hope we could all help each other. Why is it sometimes things just don't have a solution? I am stuck in a similar situation but don't know what to do.

mirmex

Thanks for your support gmailgirl, it helps to know that we are not alone...

lonelyspouse30

Reading about others in a similar situation and the mere fact that people are giving advice is comforting.

I think I'll take the approach tonight of just going for it, not feeling things out if success seems likely or not (which is what a person resorts to after being rejected so many times), and making it very obvious what my interest is.

If she says no because of a headache or whatever, I'll simply ask her to be specific about a date and time.

Who knows, maybe manning up will work.

If not, I'll try again and again, at least a few times, and again ask for a specific date and time for a rain check.

It may not work, and it may all come crashing down again to the same old loneliness and rejection, but let's face it, can't get much worse than the way things are now.

mirmex

My head tells me that everything is over, but my heart prevents me from taking the logical steps. I feel as if I were told to keep on going without food. For how long could I resist? Is there any doubt of the final result?
As I posted before, I lost all interest in her, I cannot imagine being intimate with her any more. So which way out do I have? chemical castration? On the other hand I cannot stand losing my child. What can I do?

Scannerguard

Wow. . .the initial poster had a great way of expressing himself and connecting with many guys of the forum.

Like him, I was the "Nice Guy" (everybody would say it about me. . .her parents, my parents, my co-workers. . .even if I am not about to sound it) and didn't get any affection for it.

I know it sounds pretty drastic but BigBadWolf has the answer and it's one I applied.

I self-assassinated the nice guy and I absolutely flattened my wife with this divorce - financially and emotionally.

It's bittersweet I'll admit - on one hand, this is the one you had that deep affection and longing for, that she didn't accept - that's the bitterness. The "sweetness", and it's only a little sweet, is seeing her "get hers" handed to her in the divorce. After 15 years, it's "coming around". SHe has to borrow from her parents (or her parents will probably give it to her b/c she's spoiled and wont' downsize) to pay me out. . .child support doesn't help her maintain her lifestyle she wants. . .it's all changing for her.

Until your wife sees what's at stake, I don't think she'll change. I really hope she does though, for you sake. . .but it doesn't sound good. If you really let her know the following:

1. You'll lose half the house
2. You'll lose 70% of your contribution to household income (30% is a guesstimate for child support)
3. You'll be 40+ and trying to date

and most of all:

4. You'll fracture the family

And yes, it's about "her". . .pin it on her because there's no excuse for an "unaffectionate" marriage.

You see, for some women, like maybe your wife and my stb-x, sex/affection is a "commodity" to be bargained with. Not saying it's so with your wife, but maybe it is. Women will absolutely withhold it sometimes so don't go blaming it on her unaffectionate parents and her psychobabble childhood. If she had Tom Cruise in her bed, you can bet she'd be locking lips with him.

Until she understands the consequences of divorce. . .she just won't get it. She really sounds like my wife where she went from 28 years old to being 85 years old with the transition of the wedding ring.

Either she'll change and open up a dialogue or you'll divorce.

Either way, if you make this decision BigBadWolf laid out. . .the problem is solved.

My problem has been solved and I have met an affectionate woman and wondering WTF I was doing all those years - losing my 30's to her.

Scannerguard

MIMEX,

As far as losing your child, you won't lose your child.

Let me also give you a little background to share with my situation (and we all go on a little too much here but bear with me).

I was "Mr. Mom" and worked 2 part-time jobs (which now I have expanded into fulltime). . .I ran the kids to the doctors, I did a lot of parenting in the summer - swim lessons, birthdays, took care of the lawn, cleaned, cooked sometimes, laundry. . .my stb-x did too - it was fairly egalitarian. By no means did she do nothing. My middle son I did all the middle of the night awakenings.

Truthfully, deep down, and I know it's kind of horrible to share this, I wished I could work more and be with the kids less.

I know it's sounds horrible to say that but I didn't really get in 40 hours/week because of issues too complicated for this thread.

Now, I am separated from my kids and you know what? It ain't so bad. I can date. I work a mile from the house so I can take the older ones for a dinner at IHOP or something and I don't have to do homework/baths/disipline any more like I did. I work as much as I want (I like to pour in 40+ hours now). I am free from the "Ball and Chain" of a dysfunctional marriage that my partner didn't want to make functional. I try to remain in my kid's "social orbit" - which mostly involves sports and band musicals.

It's all on her now, because she did choose to be the primary parent (I genuinely offered) and guess what? I am still Dad.

I am actually getting a place 1 mile from the beach and they'll have summers with me, more than likely, if she doesn't fight it, and I'll probably rent a snowbirds house in the winter for 2-3 months in the winter to be closer to them. I feel like I am about to live a dream really.

It sounds like you are a devoted father but you know what? You can adapt to being a divorced father and it may really, really surprise you (like it did me) that you may actually kind of like it. And you are talking to "Mr. I'm-such-a-married-guy" before.

MEM11363

MM,
Do you have the courage to say this to your wife:

It is obvious that you dislike sex and think it is unimportant to the marriage. So I am going to find a girlfriend and discreetly enjoy her company.

And then shut up and let her talk. If she says - fine - do what you want - tell her that you will be going out Friday and Saturday nights. And then drop it until showtime. Dress up really nicely for both nights.

If she threatens divorce, just say "if that is what you want". But force her to either acknoledge that it is totally unacceptable to you, for her to claim exclusive sexual access to your body, and then deny it.

It is possible she will freak and promise to change. If she does I would insist on a firm commitment of at least 2 times a week and also I would insist that she speak more openly with you about the things that turn her on/off outside of bed and also the things that turn her on/off in bed.

MEM11363

SG,
Great story. From one guy who likes back scratches to another, there are good wives out there. I admit I lucked out. Last night I got home from a business trip. The trip was long, so it had been about 2 weeks since we connected. She has this condition that causes serious vaginal irritation that flares up sometimes. Well last night it was flaring. So I was playing it lose until just after dinner she comes up behind me and starts some foreplay. And I smiled and said - so its going to be one of those kind of nights eh? And she said - you have been away 2 weeks - of course it is. And then she did the back scratch, back massage and then the oral delight. Purely love driven. The irriatation thing prevents lust. It just does.

Being loved like that is special.

I like to think I love HER like that most days.

turnera

I like it. But what happens if she doesn't do anything?

Was this woman abused as a child? Sometimes, that prohibits them doing anything no matter what they want.

mirmex

I suppose I'm also a "nice guy", in fact I have been told so many many times by a lot of people (except by my wife...). I know it's not always good, but at almost 43 I guess it's too late to change personality.
In my wife's case, I have the impression that she is of neutral gender, with almost no sexual desire. It has been like that from the beginning and my mistake was not to realize it before (or maybe with age my needs have changed). The problem now is that I have reached to a point where I no longer want to have sex with her, not even give her a kiss. She has tried recently and I refused (not that she insisted much, but anyhow). On the other hand, I do have sexual (and emotional, for that matters) desires I do not know how to satisfy.
Scannerguard, I never thought of improving my situation concerning my child after a separation. Thanks for that. Although I am extremely worried of causing her emotional damage. I certainly love my child more than myself. I am not sure I'll break up my marriage if I didn't have a child, but the fact that I do gives me extra strength.
Thank you for all your comments, they are much appreciated. I thought of initiating a new thread on life without sex, apart from my particular situation. I'm really interested in this issue. I don't think sexless life is the only problem in my relationship and my wife keeps up asking me if this is the case. I try to explain her that it is not, but even if all other things were fine I can simply not endure life like this. I tell her that sex for me is a "conditio sine qua non", but she is unable to understand this point....

MEM11363

It is emotionally cruel to starve a partner for a long time of sex/love which is one and the same with a man. If he has to threaten a mistress or divorce to get an honest answer about sexual abuse - well that is a type of abuse itself. Abuse of the person you vowed to love and treat better then anyone else in the world. Also - the hot sex before marriage, not so hot after marriage, very cold after kids - is a standard pattern having nothing to do with abuse and everything to do with effort, commitment and yes true love.

True love is not about lust - it is about giving to your partner. Could be your resources (money, time), or any of the other types of love, could be giving YOURSELF, your body - the ultimate gift to a man.

Denying this to your husband does make him depressed and does slowly destroy his soul. And that is a sick, cruel, awful thing to do.

turnera

Huh? I just asked if she had been abused as a child, because this sometimes prevents that person from being able to participate as an adult, at least without heavy duty professional therapy.