Wife is Unaffectionate and Im in a deep depression
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-08-2010, 04:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife is Unaffectionate and Im in a deep depression

I posted this as a response to another thread but wanted to create a separate thread not just for married people (other men especially) who have wives who not only dont like to kiss but are generally unaffectionate and are causing them some kind of depression.

I am a man, 43 years old with 2 young children, married to a woman who hates to kiss for 15 years. The problem for me is that even though i kind of knew going in (I think she pretended to like it a bit more than she did) I knew that she was a generally unaffectionate person. The mistake I made is in thinking that I could change her. I cant. She will kiss me during sex out of obligation because she knows I will not have sex with her without kissing. But thats it. When she gives me a kiss goodbye in the morning I might as well be kissing a stone.

Its not just the kissing - she doenst really like any kind of affection. So I have to go on faith that she loves me when in reality my brain is telling me that she not only doesnt love me, but finds me repulsive in some way. In fact, I just thought she hated me for all these years. I told her 2 years ago I was leaving. During therapy it became clear that she did love me but just wasnt into affection.

I never had this experience with any prior girlfriends and am considered a rather good looking guy, but my self esteem is at an all time low and I am battling a daily depression because of it.

We have been married for almost 15 years and have 2 wonderful boys that we love and adore. We get along fine in just about every other way, but the lack of affection in my life is driving me into a very dark place. At age 43 I am looking at the rest of my life with someone who will never make me feel the way I need to feel and its awfully depressing. She may say in a therapy session that she loves me, but there isnt anything else she does or says that seems to indicate that. Like most guys, I dont need that much - an occasional hug and passionate kiss is fine. But I feel alone emotionally and feel trapped in a loveless relationship. She doesnt compliment me and seems mostly miserable herself. So on top of the lack of affection, I have to deal with an unhappy person (we moved across the country for my work 6 years ago and she has mostly been unhappy here). If not for the daily depression I wouldnt mind as much, but the depression and feelings that go along with that are dragging me down.

Usually im nervous on airplanes but lately ive had thoughts that "well if anything happens I really dont care". If I die I die.

Its sad, but thats where I am at emotionally. Ive talked to her about it and she has acknowledged it, but her response is "I guess I have to try to meet you halfway somehow". Halfway would be nice. She hasnt done that (other than an occasional back scratch at night which although its like throwing bread to a starving man, isnt really sustaining in any kind of way).

Im trying...I would warn anyone not yet married that if you think someone who is unaffectionate is going to change, its unlikely they will. My wife has very unaffectionate parents who do love her very much and she just doesnt understand the need people have for displays of affection. She has no use for it and is uncomfortable with it. If you know affection and kissing is something you need, do not rationalize it away even if you think someone is perfect in every other way (which is what I did). You will end up depressed and resentful (like me).

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Old 01-08-2010, 04:25 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is Unaffectionate and Im in a deep depression

I know a guy who jolted his wife into a good rythm. He said "if you are not willing to aggressively work on the marriage - and that means changing your physical/sexual behavior - then we are done"

He insisted on a minimum amount of sex and big shocker she told him a bunch of stuff he was doing OUTSIDE the bedroom that turned her off. She disliked that right when she came in after work he was crowding her. With talk - with hugs etc. She needed a transition period - and then she was happy to approach him. And a few other things like that.

And now things are good. In truth though - this is almost impossible to change for most people. Seems like you let her talk about wanting to change - without demanding that she actually do anything specific. Which is a sure recipe for nothing happening.

The benefit of insisting on a certain amount of sex is that it may get her to tell you what is in her head - just to make the sex more bearable.



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Originally Posted by AloneEmotionally View Post
I posted this as a response to another thread but wanted to create a separate thread not just for married people (other men especially) who have wives who not only dont like to kiss but are generally unaffectionate and are causing them some kind of depression.

I am a man, 43 years old with 2 young children, married to a woman who hates to kiss for 15 years. The problem for me is that even though i kind of knew going in (I think she pretended to like it a bit more than she did) I knew that she was a generally unaffectionate person. The mistake I made is in thinking that I could change her. I cant. She will kiss me during sex out of obligation because she knows I will not have sex with her without kissing. But thats it. When she gives me a kiss goodbye in the morning I might as well be kissing a stone.

Its not just the kissing - she doenst really like any kind of affection. So I have to go on faith that she loves me when in reality my brain is telling me that she not only doesnt love me, but finds me repulsive in some way. In fact, I just thought she hated me for all these years. I told her 2 years ago I was leaving. During therapy it became clear that she did love me but just wasnt into affection.

I never had this experience with any prior girlfriends and am considered a rather good looking guy, but my self esteem is at an all time low and I am battling a daily depression because of it.

We have been married for almost 15 years and have 2 wonderful boys that we love and adore. We get along fine in just about every other way, but the lack of affection in my life is driving me into a very dark place. At age 43 I am looking at the rest of my life with someone who will never make me feel the way I need to feel and its awfully depressing. She may say in a therapy session that she loves me, but there isnt anything else she does or says that seems to indicate that. Like most guys, I dont need that much - an occasional hug and passionate kiss is fine. But I feel alone emotionally and feel trapped in a loveless relationship. She doesnt compliment me and seems mostly miserable herself. So on top of the lack of affection, I have to deal with an unhappy person (we moved across the country for my work 6 years ago and she has mostly been unhappy here). If not for the daily depression I wouldnt mind as much, but the depression and feelings that go along with that are dragging me down.

Usually im nervous on airplanes but lately ive had thoughts that "well if anything happens I really dont care". If I die I die.

Its sad, but thats where I am at emotionally. Ive talked to her about it and she has acknowledged it, but her response is "I guess I have to try to meet you halfway somehow". Halfway would be nice. She hasnt done that (other than an occasional back scratch at night which although its like throwing bread to a starving man, isnt really sustaining in any kind of way).

Im trying...I would warn anyone not yet married that if you think someone who is unaffectionate is going to change, its unlikely they will. My wife has very unaffectionate parents who do love her very much and she just doesnt understand the need people have for displays of affection. She has no use for it and is uncomfortable with it. If you know affection and kissing is something you need, do not rationalize it away even if you think someone is perfect in every other way (which is what I did). You will end up depressed and resentful (like me).

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Old 01-08-2010, 04:31 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is Unaffectionate and Im in a deep depression

Im reading through this a few times and its interesting. you are right, I have not been specific. I guess part of the problem is that I have really lost all interest in having sex with her. I dont want more sex with her. Its very hard to have interest in having sex with someone who doesnt like to kiss you. But what I can do is explain to her exactly that. I dont think its gotten through to her that I am not interested in her sexually because of her lack of affection.
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Old 01-08-2010, 04:45 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is Unaffectionate and Im in a deep depression

Write it down - exactly what you want her to DO. And give it to her. And then she won't claim/feign ignorance later.

But if it were me my delivery style would go like this.

I need you to do some things for ME that are going to be hard for YOU - at least initially. Rest assured I will do all in my power to make this as palatable for you as possible. But you HAVE to be honest with me. Lets start with breath:
- Are there any foods I eat give me bad breath?
- How often do I have bad breath when I kiss you? (notice not do I - but how often do I? makes it easier for her to give an honest answer.)
- Would you like me to brush my teeth/gargle just before we kiss? What is your favorite toothpaste/mouth wash for me to use?

I want you to kiss me the way you MOST LIKE to be kissed. Kiss me that way - so I can learn to kiss YOU that way.

Is there any type massage/back scratch you like me to give you?

FYI: Something is odd if she really does not like a massage - ask her to massage you the way she most likes/least dislikes to be touched.














Quote:
Originally Posted by AloneEmotionally View Post
Im reading through this a few times and its interesting. you are right, I have not been specific. I guess part of the problem is that I have really lost all interest in having sex with her. I dont want more sex with her. Its very hard to have interest in having sex with someone who doesnt like to kiss you. But what I can do is explain to her exactly that. I dont think its gotten through to her that I am not interested in her sexually because of her lack of affection.
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Old 01-15-2010, 03:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is Unaffectionate and Im in a deep depression

when I read this thread I felt as if I had written it myself. In fact, it made me participate in a forum for the first time in my cybernetic life. What a (poor) consolation to see that we are a unique species that shares similar feelings and other people around the globe is going through the same situation as I do...
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Old 01-15-2010, 03:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is Unaffectionate and Im in a deep depression

I think MEM11 has very good intentions, but this may happen in a fairy-tale world. In my view this is a Gordian-knot situation, and the only way to solve it is with Alexander´s method (if you are brave enough, which is not my case so far).
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Old 01-25-2010, 05:27 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is Unaffectionate and Im in a deep depression

I feel the same way. I bend over backwards to ensure my wife is comfortable and has everything she needs yet at the end of the day she has no time for affection leading to intimacy and in fact she has no sex drive. the worst part is i am in love with her and think she is the hottest thing since Megan Fox. I try everything but she is non responsive. I dont have any solutions for your or my dilemma but you are not alone. I dont want to live like this much more.
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Old 01-25-2010, 07:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is Unaffectionate and Im in a deep depression

You mention that you moved for your work 6 years ago and that she is not happy with the move? Perhaps she is harboring resentment toward you about that? Affection for a woman can be triggered emotionally. So if she is harboring resentment and anger toward you - this can result in not being affectionate.

I am an affectionate person - but when I had built up all this resentment toward my H - then affection was the first thing to go.
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Old 01-25-2010, 08:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is Unaffectionate and Im in a deep depression

i agree with MEM11363 that u should write down your needs and give it to her and if she doesn't put the effort to meet u half way she's not willing to save ur marriage. Then u half to ask urself if its worth stayn for ur kids
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Old 01-25-2010, 08:16 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is Unaffectionate and Im in a deep depression

If she truly loves you and is not unhappy, but is uncomfortable with affection, you can find a therapist for her to go to, or both of you together, where she can learn that it's safe and rewarding to show affection. You may have to put your foot down about this.
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Old 01-26-2010, 09:40 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is Unaffectionate and Im in a deep depression

Is she affectionate with the children? Does she give them hugs and kisses?

If not, then maybe she really does not like affection. I do not know of one mother who doesn't relish is showering affection on her young sons.
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Old 01-26-2010, 04:32 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is Unaffectionate and Im in a deep depression

I could have written this post!! I am in the same boat!! It is/has destroyed my marriage!!

Anybody have any ideas? Give my wife a list of what i wanted did nothing for me so now I am resentful, depressed and we are seperated. The worst part was we went to Doctors to increase her libbido and she found another man to get physical with! Maybe I just suck!
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Old 01-26-2010, 07:57 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is Unaffectionate and Im in a deep depression

@AloneEmotionally know that you are definitely not alone. I could have written your post almost verbatim with some very minor changes (I'm 35, three kids, married 8 1/2 years) and one major change: I *didn't* think I could change my wife's nonexistent interest in physical affection.

Before marriage I was in a relationship with an incredible sex life, but other problems. Sex, even though fantastic for both of us (the sort of relationship where if I picked her up from the airport, the clothes were off miles before we made it home) wasn't enough to overcome those problems.

When I met my wife, we were incredibly compatible on every level except for physical affection. The idea of knowing fights about role of family in our relationship, finances, social class, etc. (all the big issues) would not be an issue was refreshing. The only problem we had was different libidos, and I mistakenly thought that wouldn't be an issue in the long run given everything else we had going for us.

I thought *I* could change, that a physical relationship could be less important for me when we were compatible in every other way.

I was horribly wrong.

And now I feel very stuck with the situation I put myself in.

Those not yet married should be wary of that situation, as well.

We've had heart-to-heart conversations and even line-in-the-sand conversations, and there have been vows to change. But nothing changes. It is a very depressing situation, indeed. I have a very hard time coming to grips with the idea that she loves me, but she's not willing to express that love in a way that I can best understand and very much need to experience even though she knows it is important to me.

Back in high school I took a morality/philosophy class where we talked about love. Early on in that class we memorized a definition of love, the source of which I no longer reminder.

Love: To seek and foster the good in others in the context of their concrete situations.

It turns out my concrete situation is that I feel loved through physical affection. And my wife is not physically affectionate. A sad, sad situation.
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Old 01-26-2010, 08:51 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is Unaffectionate and Im in a deep depression

I agree with you "Alone emotionally" and "lonely spouse". Even I feel the same way. My husband loves me but just not in the way my body/heart/soul desires. In all other aspects he is a great guy but this side of me is empty which is very sad. In spite of our deep conversations and care it just doesn't change. It comes from inside and one cannot pretend to do something for a long period of time. It is extremely sad and hope things work out for you.
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Old 01-26-2010, 09:22 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is Unaffectionate and Im in a deep depression

This thread is very depressing.

All good men reading this, if a man is not getting sex, or feeling as if his woman is finding him sexually attractive, this is absolutely a problem and should not be endured, it is emotional abuse plain and simple.

In reading this thread, there are some of the usual suspects, the biggest of course is the "nice guy" scenario, where a man bends over backwards to give his woman everything and then is surprised that she is cold to him, or worse will leave him in the dust for some other man.

So for the "nice guy", the solution is simple. Stop the nonsense.

Do NOT put your woman on a pedestal, do not appease her, beg her, or in most ways seem to revolve your life around pleasing her. Why? Because this is making her feel like a "charity case", and makes you look like her child to her eyes, and not her man.

A woman is not looking for a man to treat her like a "charity case", she is looking for her man to be confident, secure, stable, to be a good man that both knows what he wants, and has the mettle to go for it.

Yes, this is much like the "Gordian knot", absolutely, and yes this is taking courage, courage to face the relationship with your woman, and your relationship with the world really, with the attitude and honesty to say very directly what it is you want as a man, and to be the man that will have what he wants.

To be this man, to pursue happiness with this kind of courage, and to invite your woman to share in this pursuit, this is what lights a fire in a woman.

Yes, this starts with getting control of yourself, the hygiene, the physical fitness, the career, the addictions, all of these things in balance, and these things are just a start.

And all these things are a part of this one thing, to be the man in control of himself and his environment, yes (again) the dominant man.

These other things, to negotiate as if sex was a poker chip, is at best appeasement and begging to a woman, and at worse will make her feel cheap and used. Needless to say, it is not leading to happiness for the long term.

Also this is important, actions speak louder than words. To think that words, conversations, and promises alone are going to light sexual attraction, is only smoke and mirrors.

Instead, know this, attitude is everything, and this attitude is to be demonstrated in actions primarily, and words sparingly.

Knock off the "I love you's" constantly. Work instead on how you look at your woman, how you touch your woman, and when you do use words, pay attention to even the tone of your voice.

To behave, and live the attitude just as the following is the goal: "That you can have any woman in the world, yet you desire your woman".

To live this attitude, how would that make you dress, behave, and act? Guess what, it was how you dress, behaved, and acted when you and your woman were dating, and she was feeling the attraction and fire because just this, in her mind "you could have any woman in the world, yet you desire her".

So when the marriage vows were made, why is many times the man thinking it is the finish line, when instead it is, for the actual reality, just the starting line!

Do not lose this attitude! Do not stop being the dominant man and instead try to be some "nice guy", which is really just a man trying to act like a woman. A woman is not going to be fooled by this, or attracted to this.

To do these things, is to make it so the woman is aroused even just anticipating the next physical encounter, and see that her sexual appetites should equal or even surpass the appetite of her man, is to know how sexual and passionate the relationship between the good man and woman can be in marriage.

Good men and women, do not be satisfied with anything less.

Last edited by BigBadWolf; 01-26-2010 at 09:26 PM.
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