Wonderful husband and I can't get excited...
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-16-2010, 09:43 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Wonderful husband and I can't get excited...

I am 27 and have been married to my husband for about a year and a half. We dated about 9 months before getting married, and during those times we had a very healthy sexual relationship. I was "waiting for marriage" so our sexual encounters were kind of taboo and usually did not involve full intercourse. A lot of our encounters were initiated by me.

However, since we've been married, I've probably only had 3 orgasms. My husband is very loving and patient and puts 110% effort into pleasing me and being sensitive to my needs. The problem is, I can't get excited, or if I do, it is the most fleeting feeling.

I am NOT in a high stress occupation and we DON'T have kids. Ideally, this time in our marriage should be the high point of our sex life. I am very concerned that things can only go downhill from here. I have never found enjoyment from masturbating, so I don't really know what works for me. We introduced a toy into our repertoire, and I gave it a shot, but I thought it was idiotic and did nothing for me.

Anyway, I love my husband so much and do not mind spending my life having sex with him, even if I am not into it. However, he does not want to have sex with someone who is just being cooperative. His ego and his feelings are being punished in the meantime. I need help.
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Old 01-16-2010, 11:03 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wonderful husband and I can't get excited...

Does sex still seem taboo to you? I ask because it was before marriage and you feel a toy is "idiotic". Maybe there is something psycholigically blocking you from fully enjoying and "letting go."

Also, if you are not able to get off by yourself, it will be nearly impossible for your H to do it for you. My suggestion would be to continue to try masturbating. Try different toys. Try not to have the mindset that it is "idiotic" but more erotic. Think of your fantasies, what turns you on, what gets you hot. You really need to figure this stuff out on your own first.

Was he your first?
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Old 01-16-2010, 11:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wonderful husband and I can't get excited...

He was my first. As far as toys, it was a vibrator, which to me has nothing to do with any kind of realistic bedroom sensation...unless someone has a seizure

As far as having had orgasms, that's really more of a guess, since I'm not exactly positive that's what they were. I should really say there were only two-three times that I felt I had a toe-curling experience.

I have never really considered myself to be a very sexual person. I don't have a poor self-esteem or anything, but was raised by conservative/religious parents. When were were dating/engaged, I was turned on with ease. Now there seems to be some barrier or some connection that can't be made. Generally, I feel extreme love/adoration but not any kind of erotic thrill or craving. I think it's about mindset.
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Old 01-16-2010, 12:11 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wonderful husband and I can't get excited...

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Originally Posted by Mrs. Havisham View Post
He was my first. As far as toys, it was a vibrator, which to me has nothing to do with any kind of realistic bedroom sensation...unless someone has a seizure

As far as having had orgasms, that's really more of a guess, since I'm not exactly positive that's what they were. I should really say there were only two-three times that I felt I had a toe-curling experience.

I have never really considered myself to be a very sexual person. I don't have a poor self-esteem or anything, but was raised by conservative/religious parents. When were were dating/engaged, I was turned on with ease. Now there seems to be some barrier or some connection that can't be made. Generally, I feel extreme love/adoration but not any kind of erotic thrill or craving. I think it's about mindset.
It does sound like there are some psychological barriers keeping you from fully enjoying/craving the experience. That is totally normal given how society suppresses our natural sexuality, especially for woman. All I can say is that you really need to leave behind any negative feelings you have towards sex. It is such a beautiful and wonderful gift we have as human’s to deeply express and share our love with others. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a highly sexual person.

From my experience, women tend to especially be effected by their mindset. This is both a good and bad thing. For some, it really inhibits them from fully experiencing the pleasure they are capable of. For those woman who have found their true sexual being, it enables them to transcend any experience us guys typically have. It is all a matter of letting go and completely embracing yourself. I think there are two keys to achieving that: 1) having the self confidence and self respect to know that YOU DESERVE this gift and 2) taking the time each day to think sexy thoughts and think of yourself as a sexy person, because you are.
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Old 01-16-2010, 07:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wonderful husband and I can't get excited...

Don't pressure yourself! The mind can play lots of tricks on us and expectations and pressures are total O killers (IMHO).

Think of this as a really fun challenge. Work on it regularly and talk openly about it. That's really important. If sex was taboo for you pre-marriage are you able to get past that and open up about really does feel good for you (and that can change too, depenind on mood, circumstance, etc.) Be positive. With dedication, a sense of humor and lots of conversation, you will get there. And the they're be NO doubt ;-)

Oh yeah, and foreplay, foreplay, foreplay.
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Last edited by Alexandra; 01-23-2010 at 02:20 PM.
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Old 01-20-2010, 05:54 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wonderful husband and I can't get excited...

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[/I]However, he does not want to have sex with someone who is just being cooperative. His ego and his feelings are being punished in the meantime. I need help.
I am glad you recognize this. Having sex with your spouse out of a feeling of obligation is not right for both. I am in a similar position, have mentioned it to my wife, but its like she doesn't get it.
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Old 01-20-2010, 06:36 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I am glad you recognize this. Having sex with your spouse out of a feeling of obligation is not right for both. I am in a similar position, have mentioned it to my wife, but its like she doesn't get it.
I've been in a similar situation with my wife and I've told her I do not want her just having sex because she feels like she has to out of obligation. But with that said I am conflicted... I think it is part of a spouses responsibility to take care of their husband's (or wife's) sexual need. If there's a person in the relationship who would be perfectly happy to never have sex then that's not right either! To a point one can say that you shouldn't just have sex out of obligation but there is a line because the other extreme of no sex isn't right either. You shouldn't be having sex simply out of obligation particularly when it's something you're doing begrudgingly, however... I think a wife can (and should) want to please her husband sexually even if she isn't horny & wanting an orgasm. And vice versa too. Based on what I've read here there are plenty of men who don't take care of their women enough and it should be the same both ways. If you really love and care for your spouse then sex should be something you don't mind, and in fact enjoy doing for their happiness.

Believe me, I don't spend 2 weeks almost every year in my mother-in-law's tiny house out of state because it's how I want to spend my vacation time But I know it makes my wife very happy and she would be very sad if we didn't spend that time there.

Again - this goes both ways. I used to be in a place where I was pressuring my wife for sex so she would eventually cave in basically. While I didn't and don't think it's right for my wife not to give me sex, putting pressure on her isn't right either.

Mrs. Havisham - It sounds like in your situation you're not being pressured into sex and you don't mind it at all. I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're doing at all. But it won't hurt to figure out how to enjoy it more yourself. Others have already mentioned it but incorporating a vibrator during sex can be a fantastic thing! It sounds like you do need to spend some solo time figuring out how to pleasure yourself. Once you figure that out I would think it would become easier to enjoy sex with your husband. And don't forget that most (75%-80%) of women cannot have an orgasm through intercourse so it sounds like you might be in that percentage and need other stimulation. Have him manually stimulate you using his fingers or his tongue might be something to try if you haven't already. Again - finding out by yourself what makes you feel good and orgasm will help you guide him.

good luck...
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Old 01-22-2010, 12:38 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wonderful husband and I can't get excited...

I have never really considered myself to be a very sexual person. I don't have a poor self-esteem or anything, but was raised by conservative/religious parents. When were were dating/engaged, I was turned on with ease. Now there seems to be some barrier or some connection that can't be made. Generally, I feel extreme love/adoration but not any kind of erotic thrill or craving. I think it's about mindset.

Do you feel your religious upbringing is some responsible for how you view Sex? You say you experienced desire -craving when dating, did you also feel guilt/sinfulness along with the craving? Was this also with the same man, your husband now?

I find , from my own experience , that religion , unfortunately, but definetly played a part in my forming a negative "mindset" towards sex. All that teaching about "putting down the flesh" before you are married , while realizing THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE & unrealistic , so the cycle of shame -repent - shame - repent -shame -repent was a revolving door. Never fully allowed to enjoy what was happening.

Then I found I was not able to just turn a "switch" when suddenly I had a marraige certificate in my drawer, that all the sinful lusts we dabbled in was NOW considered HOLY and ACCEPTABLE before God. So I, too, at one time, had isseus with sex. I used to push the husband away from oral sex. I wanted the lights out, some positions felt "dirty" or questionable to me. Something in me wanted to enjoy with freedom, but I found my mind was still waring against this Pleasure with my husband. This went on for many years.

What has helped me is getting away from Religion , but that is another thread! But sexually, reading many many books devoted to Sex, pleasing your partner, Kama Sutra type readings, where I could feel /see the beauty of this act -in the flesh , has been very much a blessing in helping ME overcome my sexual hang-ups.

It is good that you recognize you want MORE in this union with your husband, just fight for that and keep Learning , asking questions, seeking answers. You are newly married , you have so much yet to explore with each other . I kind of envy that! Don't be like me, I did not ask all these questions back then, I just muddled along.
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Old 01-22-2010, 12:58 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wonderful husband and I can't get excited...

I have a hard time getting excited too. It's not because of religion or anything, I just have a low sex drive. I wish I had a higher sex drive. It would be so much easier for me.

I really have to work at being turned on. Whenever I feel even the slightest spark, I capitalize on it that very moment in some way. I send my husband sexy text messages a lot. If I feel it when he's not home, I will take a shower and put on some sexy lingerie so he knows I am in the mood (even if I've fallen asleep by the time he gets home).

The point is, I make the effort. Don't expect your desire to just arrive. You are going to have to find it. The good news is, the more sex you have the more sex you want (that's been true for me anyway).
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Old 01-22-2010, 02:10 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wonderful husband and I can't get excited...

If anyone is taking hormonal birth control or any kind of depression meds, this can lower your sex drive also.
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Old 01-22-2010, 02:38 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wonderful husband and I can't get excited...

I used to be on BC and it did kill my sex drive. I mean it literally went bye-bye.

I've stopped taking them and things have improved, but I still could go much longer without sex than my husband.
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Old 01-22-2010, 03:04 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wonderful husband and I can't get excited...

Are you young in addition to being a bit inhibited? You will need to just let go. I think orgasm is experienced differently as having read Stars description, mine is a bit different. I dont grind more, its almost like a breathless state where you dont exhale until its all released... definite hands gripping at something and it cannot be mistaken for something else. Oh, and if its a really good one I cant stay quiet at all You know you have had one... for sure.

Try masturbating with your fingers only so you can really get to know what you like down there sans epileptic seizure! Try dry fingers, licked fingers and lubed fingers to see what you like best... where, what tempo, direction, particular area down there more sensitive, more sensitive outside or inside? The only way to find out is through exploration... you could easily tell your husband that you want to get to know what makes you tick (or drip) down there and would he help "explore" all the options listed above? With him involved, mouth and tongue can be included... intercourse will be so much better once you two figure out your nether region!!!
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Old 01-22-2010, 08:36 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wonderful husband and I can't get excited...

Sometimes this happens. Often people need sexual variety to maintain enough sexual desire. Marriages often don't provide this and it is extremely difficult to have sex when you have no desire for the person. More so if you're male. My wife is a wonderful woman but has never really turned me on. We stopped having sex 12 years ago but stay together because everything else about the marriage is great. Plus there is no guarantee that after a divorce it will not just happen all over again with the next person. Better to stay put and accept that your sexual restlessness is simply not condusive to sex in a long term relationship.
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