Love my husband but not interested in sex
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-30-2010, 12:20 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Love my husband but not interested in sex

I've been married for 4 years and feel that I do still love my husband but I can't seem to force myself to feel affectionate or sexual with him. I DO force myself to do it but it's not as often or spontaneous as he'd like. I'm sure he knows I'm forcing myself and I know his ego and self esteem take a hit. He equates sex with love so in his mind, if he's not getting sex he's not being loved. We have sex every two weeks like clockwork but his libido is WAY higher than mine. Once a month would be plenty for me. I would love to be able to change my behavior but I honestly don't know how or exactly why I act the way I do. There are various things that could be it. I'm 44 and had a full hysterectomy over a year ago..boom, full blown menopause. I was sexually abused by two close family members. I suffer from depression and anxiety and even though I know my parents love me dearly, we were never an affectionate family. I wasn't raised to need hugs and kisses and I've always been perfectly content with my own company. It seems like his displays of affection towards me just make me feel smothered. The constant arguments over sex make me feel trapped and inadequate. Sometimes I get to the point where I'd rather have him leave me to just make it stop and I totally shut down. I love him but I realize I'm cold. He's not perfect either but I know I can't fix his problems, I can only fix my own. Any advice?
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Old 01-30-2010, 12:28 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love my husband but not interested in sex

What do you want to have happen?

What are you asking for advice about? Advice about working on your sexuality, or advice about ending the marriage?
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Old 01-30-2010, 06:39 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love my husband but not interested in sex

Start at the beginning. How were you with him pre-marriage and during the first year or two of marriage.

Please don't make this about YOU, if instead it is about how he interacts with you. What has changed? Why did you want to be with him for life/marry him?

What you are doing to him now is truly cruel. I think you know that. You cannot claim to love someone when you are perfectly content to drive them mad with sexual frustration. Still - he should man up and leave you.


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Originally Posted by Shelly173 View Post
I've been married for 4 years and feel that I do still love my husband but I can't seem to force myself to feel affectionate or sexual with him. I DO force myself to do it but it's not as often or spontaneous as he'd like. I'm sure he knows I'm forcing myself and I know his ego and self esteem take a hit. He equates sex with love so in his mind, if he's not getting sex he's not being loved. We have sex every two weeks like clockwork but his libido is WAY higher than mine. Once a month would be plenty for me. I would love to be able to change my behavior but I honestly don't know how or exactly why I act the way I do. There are various things that could be it. I'm 44 and had a full hysterectomy over a year ago..boom, full blown menopause. I was sexually abused by two close family members. I suffer from depression and anxiety and even though I know my parents love me dearly, we were never an affectionate family. I wasn't raised to need hugs and kisses and I've always been perfectly content with my own company. It seems like his displays of affection towards me just make me feel smothered. The constant arguments over sex make me feel trapped and inadequate. Sometimes I get to the point where I'd rather have him leave me to just make it stop and I totally shut down. I love him but I realize I'm cold. He's not perfect either but I know I can't fix his problems, I can only fix my own. Any advice?
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Old 01-30-2010, 04:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love my husband but not interested in sex

Are you ever turned on? Does anything make you horny? Do you show him any affection? Do you even tell him you love him? I was raised same as you my parents never really were the hugger type, and I can't hug my wife and daughter enough. And if you are content with your own company, why did you marry him? If depression is a main factor in all of this I suggest you seek out professional help with it, from your primary doctor. All that said I don't think you will have to end it with your husband he might just be the one to pull the plug first.
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Old 01-30-2010, 10:38 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love my husband but not interested in sex

Your husband really loves you. He could go out and find the way out to reslove his frustation.
If you loves him enough to try making him feel being loved, please seek for the advice from the professional.
I can even say that making love is the most beautiful thing in a marriage. You just haven't tasted it.
I don't know what makes you cold. By the way, It is not your fault.
Please talk to your husband about it honestly and let him know you want to try to fix it before you loose your husband.
It is not your fault at all. Your past(sexual abuse) or other things that you don't know might cause it.
Please try!! I can feel your husband's pain.
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Old 01-30-2010, 10:48 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love my husband but not interested in sex

He's not perfect either but I know I can't fix his problems, I can only fix my own. Any advice?

Shelly173, What he wants to make love with you is not a problem.

For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
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Old 01-31-2010, 06:22 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love my husband but not interested in sex

Shelly,

I was watching a fascinating PBS special on Men and Women's brains and hormones.

Let me tell you generally how the sexes are wired according to this neurologist.

Women have higher levels of oxytocin, which is Lovey Dovey Hormone circulating around. You say you love your husband, and women walk around and will feel lovey dovey about their husbands, their kids, their cats, everything. They dot their "i's" with little hearts and all that.

Men don't have this circulating. Instead, we have testosterone. This is the "sex-seeking hormone." (women have this too but remember this is a generalization). We constantly think about it. . .your bodies drive us crazy - the smell, the sight, the curves. It also makes us aggressive.

Now, this is where it gets real interesting. After sex. . .men's level of oxytocin SOAR. . .something like 5X to normal levels. . .it may even surpass women's normals. That's why men often get all lovey and attached after sex to the point even the woman is like. . ."Okay enough. . .get off of me now." (lol). Remember though, that "lovey" feeling is just as genuine as yours at that time post-coitus. So, the way he is "smothering" you. . .that's pretty normal male behavior.

The point is men often need sex to feel in love with their partner. Without it, it's just a roommate who wants to be taken care of or you become kind of morphed "Mom" in their life who does the laundry and cooks and cleans. They start to think. . . "Well, I don't need to live with Mom again. I can do my own laundry! I need a wife."

Is that what you want to be to him?

A "morphed" version of his "Mom", assuming that role in his life, when he had grown past that? Of course you don't. . .that's why you are here. I applaud you that you are here actually recognizing you have a problem.

Before I go any further though, from the women here in menopause or have been through it. . .how did it affect your libido? You have been forced into menopause by surgery. . .you really may have a medical problem as a result of this - a hormonal imbalance if this is recent.

All in all though, if this ends your marriage (as you brought it up, and I am glad you did). . .know that there are plenty of asexual men out there your age (44) you could pair with. I mean that with no judgment.

In fact, I never realized how many there were until I separated from wife and women started opening up about their partners. So it goes both ways.
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Old 01-31-2010, 12:14 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love my husband but not interested in sex

First off, I really appreciate all the information I've been getting here. Especially the ones who take the time to see that I'm not deliberately trying to be 'cruel' and that I want to fix this within myself. Even though I'm a very independant woman, I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and regardless of how I may have come across in my first post, I DO love my husband. Otherwise I wouldn't bother to try this at all.

In answer to some of the questions, I honestly don't get aroused. I try to relax, hell I've tried a lot of things...the feeling of being sexual just isn't there. Since the hysterectomy, the only orgasms I've had have been in my sleep and those have been far and few between. I've gotten close to one or two with my husband but it never goes over that edge. Now you men out there, imagine getting just to the point of orgasm and then just stop. Imagine you'd be pretty frustrated and I know for me, that frustration isn't worth the few minutes of an orgasm IF it's even possible. And yes I do tell him I love him every day. I don't mind occasional hugs and kisses every day but sometimes I feel like he deliberately stays in my face to see how long it's going to take before I back off. Like a test that I always fail.

And here's another issue. He's Canadian without a green card, I'm American. Hence, I work outside the home and he's here all day. So he's happy to see me, and while I'm happy to see him too, I'm also happy just to see a chair to get me off my feet. That 'Mom' issue that was mentioned is totally true. I've said that to him almost verbatim because he can't drive, he doesn't take the initiative to see what's needs done around the house, he doesn't even make his own doctor appointments. Of course I started to feel like the mom and so yes there's resentment there.

I want to be able to just be affectionate because I believe with time the rest will fall into place. I just don't know how to create a feeling that really wasn't born into my nature as I was raised. Example: If we could just lay in bed, cuddled up and watch a movie..I could handle that. But that doesn't happen. We lay there watching the movie while his hands are roaming all over me and I'm ready to jump out of my skin. I think to myself, just put your arm around me and watch the movie! That way we would get the best of both worlds. Him having close times with me, without me being tense the whole time. And yes I've talked to him about all of this. How do you create affection when it's not in your normal genetic make up to be that way?
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Old 01-31-2010, 01:53 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love my husband but not interested in sex

As a side note, I've read a lot of posts from husbands seeming to have similar problems with their wives not being sexual. If the wives don't try to address why they feel this way, nobody wins. There might be a lot of wives out there wondering how to fix things within themselves.
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Old 01-31-2010, 02:23 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love my husband but not interested in sex

Ok so you do love him, that's allways good for a marriage. With your latest post about feeling like his mother. Maybe you should let him know that you want him to take more responsibilty for him self, because it will make you feel less stressed and more comfortable ergo.... Maybe put you in a more loving affectionate mood. As far as the laying in bed with the roaming noam hands, make boundries and let him know good things come to those who wait. Now lets get down to brass tacks. What turns you on and can help you bring the cows home? Try new things.if you are not sure.You can find thousands of websites that can give you new ideas for your sex life. (including this one) Just let your husband know that there are other things to relationships then just sex. Most of the time when other parts of said relationships are going good the sex is good.
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Old 01-31-2010, 04:40 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love my husband but not interested in sex

Shelly,

If you want to continue this discussion, I"m game.

Quote:
Since the hysterectomy, the only orgasms I've had have been in my sleep and those have been far and few between. I've gotten close to one or two with my husband but it never goes over that edge.
You know. . .your comment really struck a cord with me because "the edge" comment really echoes a discussion my best man in my wedding and I had during my break-up and discussion of sex.

HE confided in me that his wife uses a vibrator to "get her over the edge/hump" during sex and he says, "You know. . .I really appreciate it and so does my brother in law."

Now hear me out. . .because I am starting with a superficial solution but I do think there is an "Ah ha!" moment in your relationship too.

Anyway, I know the thought of a vibrator can be disconcerting to both partners in their own way. For the woman, she is maybe not sure she can lay there and just be the one 100% "being pleasured" with her husband watching and holding her and worried that her man may feel inadequate. To the man, he may feel inadequate.

My philosophy though would be at first, I'd be like. "Man. . .I wish I could please her like that!" but then after awhile I'd be like, "Well, hell, I know my penis can't do that (without a ring anyway, lol) so why even try to compete with it?" I"d just accept I've been bested and get on board.

The important thing is you are having "playtime" with your hubby.

Now. . .onto your relationship. . .the deeper matza ball. It sounds like your husband is a "kept man" and you are not cool with that. SOoner or later, you are going to have to have a diplomatic conversation, as much as you can muster with the diplomacy that you don't want a "Kept Man" and it may not be all lost - I would think most men don't want to be a kept man so some changes should be made there on his part.

What's he doing in the house all day while you are gone working, if he can't drive? I would imagine he's frustrated by that. . .but there's got to be something he could do. . .a part time business. . .I am not sure on immigration law but if he's not here legally, maybe the relationship should be suspended until he is.

I know immigration is a sensitive issue and one that I am not completley informed on but he needs guest working papers, something so he can go out of the house and do something during the day, no?

Or am I missing something?
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Old 10-12-2012, 10:15 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love my husband but not interested in sex

Okay, first off... many of the people commenting on this post NEED to read this. It might seem unrelated, but believe me, it is related:

Yashar Ali: A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not "Crazy"

Shelly, you are not cruel. What you are experiencing is extremely common. Both men and women experience it, but mostly women do.

I have been doing a lot of research and what may help you with your problem. I suggest getting a vibrator, perhaps a good naughty book, and pleasure yourself. Find your own buttons that turn you on. The book may help with increasing your ability to fantasize. It might take time, and you might not climax the first couple of times, and you might not even be in the mood in the beginning, but that's fine.

If your husband wants a healthy marriage, he will try and understand what you are going through and support you through this. Just know that this is not permanent. You can get past this. I know how frustrating it is, and how you want to blame yourself for not being able to please your spouse. Again, your lack of sex drive is normal and not permanent. You can still connect with him in many other ways until then.

Oh, and by the way, you are NOT cruel. Don't listen to some of these people posting. They are pushing some of their narcissistic , sex-addicted ideas onto you and trying to make you feel like a horrible person for something that you couldn't control. Its called "gas-lighting", if you want to know more about that, I linked an article above.

Here is another article about your problem for you to read that might help you:

When You’re Not Attracted to Your Partner Conscious Transitions

Last edited by Nalanilec; 10-12-2012 at 10:21 PM.
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Old 10-13-2012, 06:00 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love my husband but not interested in sex

Shelly173- I know how you feel... It's hard. I think people don't get that our feeling this way is not a choise. We want to "feel it" but we just don't. I'm 28 and I feel the same way you do. My husband is very touchy feeli and I'm not. I also was raised in a home without a lot of touching. And then he feels like I don't love him, but of course I do! Does he masturbate at all? do you maybe give him handies or blow jobs? sometimes that can calm things down a bit, and you don't have to be in the mood for it. It's not a long term solution but it can quite things down a bit. I totally understand that feeling of un-easyness when he touches you, that wanting to jump out of your skin thing. Cause there's always that pressure of "oh, now he's expectin something..." Have you talked to him about how you feel? And your body has gone through such trauma, you need to give yourself time to heal emotionally. Have you evr delt with you childhood crap? cause it sounds like that's still hurting too... I hope it works out for you, just know that your not alone!!!
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Old 10-13-2012, 07:01 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love my husband but not interested in sex

For all the women who aren't touchy feely, how was the beginning of your marriage? How was it when you were dating? What drew you both together initially? While dating, were you avoiding affection and sex too? That can't be otherwise you wouldn't find yourself married now.

OP, you've had some serious past issues, and your hysterectomy now seems to have affected your libido. However, how did you two act when you were first dating? You guys were never all over each other wanting each other? It was platonic back then too? Or was is romantic/sexual? Which type of love? Your hysterectomy was recent but you obviously dated this man with your past issues of abuse present and I assume your dating had to have been sexual otherwise marriage shouldn't have resulted...

You have the right attitude by the way. Ultimately you will decide how hard to fight for your husband but marriage is definitely defined by sexual feelings, otherwise you two are just really close friends who just love each other platonically... You should get many good ideas here... How do you feel if you read romance novels by the way? Any arousal, not for your husband, but any, ever, in general?
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Old 10-13-2012, 09:20 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love my husband but not interested in sex

OP...

Serious question: Is it just the thought of sex with him (your husband) that you avoid?

I am on the other end... wife and I are trying to work this out. I believe based on what she said to me throughout the years its mainly resentment (mostly unfounded) and in fact finding time/tired. I'm pretty sure its just sex with me that's the issue.... she needs to work through that in a reasonable time frame.... I won't let it drag on.

At least you are seeking advice... kudos to you.

WE are working on the resentment angle together.

I'm fairly sure she would have no issue if she were to leave me striking up sex with someone else as a necessity for a new relationship.

I'm just curious are you in that same boat? Have you thought about that?

I think you need to think deeply to find the root of the sexual issue with your husband.

Last edited by Trying2figureitout; 10-13-2012 at 09:25 AM.
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