Increasing my husband's sex drive
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-31-2010, 01:58 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Increasing my husband's sex drive

My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We have a great marriage in most senses. We communicate all the time, joke around, laugh together...... But we have never been able to have compatible sex drives. I have more of a sex drive than he does . A lot more and it has been this way our entire marriage. He prefers to have sex once or twice a month, I prefer daily if not several times a day. The quality is pretty good. There is usually several minutes of foreplay followed by 2 minutes or so of intercourse. (It doesn't seem like a long time, but is usually gets the job done.) Anyway, he has a hobby that tends to interfere with our sex life. He LOVES gaming. Whether it's an Xbox, computer, whatever, he loves them. It takes up several hours(4-5) of his night. I have done things like talk dirty to him, promise him sexual favors, I sell bedroom accessories so I'll tell him we can try out a new toy, or lotion, whatever I can do to pull him off of his gaming at a reasonable hour. His response is usually annoyance or mild frustration. I end up feeling rejected and totally frustrated. There are times that I have went ahead and went to bed only to get up a while later and catch him masturbating in front of the TV. Lately I have taken to more self stimulation and porn. It doesn't make me feel rejected, but what I really want is for him to want to be with me. It's felt bad enough that I have started having 'sexting' conversations with a close guy friend. There are no pictures exchanges, just dirty messages. I know this isn't right, but he makes me feel sexually wanted and I have found it hard to give that up. I don't know what to do. I really would like to either increase his sex drive or calm mine down. There is going to come a day where it will ruin my marriage.
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Old 01-31-2010, 03:13 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Increasing my husband's sex drive

Changing his drive is very very hard to do. His lack of sex with you has ZERO to do with his gaming. It has hundred percent to do with a low drive/desire level. He MIGHT be able to boost it via a major increase in weight lifting/which will boost testosterone. Or testosterone injections. OR recreational V - low dose - 25 mg - which will let him stay hard and have stamina if he wants. But he would need to WANT to do some/all of this. With a big big libido difference there are only 3 forces that will cause the low drive spouse to "step up" and meet the high drive spouse somewhere in the middle:
- Love - they do it because making you happy - actually makes them happy
- Guilt - they do it because denying you sex as much as they would prefer to makes you feel bad, and that makes THEM feel bad
- Fear - they are afraid of you either being angry/mean or actually ending the marriage over this issue

The other piece of this puzzle is porn. IF he is watching porn/performing a manual override to pleasure himself then that is total bs. He should always give you "right of first refusal" on sex.



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Originally Posted by metalmama View Post
My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We have a great marriage in most senses. We communicate all the time, joke around, laugh together...... But we have never been able to have compatible sex drives. I have more of a sex drive than he does . A lot more and it has been this way our entire marriage. He prefers to have sex once or twice a month, I prefer daily if not several times a day. The quality is pretty good. There is usually several minutes of foreplay followed by 2 minutes or so of intercourse. (It doesn't seem like a long time, but is usually gets the job done.) Anyway, he has a hobby that tends to interfere with our sex life. He LOVES gaming. Whether it's an Xbox, computer, whatever, he loves them. It takes up several hours(4-5) of his night. I have done things like talk dirty to him, promise him sexual favors, I sell bedroom accessories so I'll tell him we can try out a new toy, or lotion, whatever I can do to pull him off of his gaming at a reasonable hour. His response is usually annoyance or mild frustration. I end up feeling rejected and totally frustrated. There are times that I have went ahead and went to bed only to get up a while later and catch him masturbating in front of the TV. Lately I have taken to more self stimulation and porn. It doesn't make me feel rejected, but what I really want is for him to want to be with me. It's felt bad enough that I have started having 'sexting' conversations with a close guy friend. There are no pictures exchanges, just dirty messages. I know this isn't right, but he makes me feel sexually wanted and I have found it hard to give that up. I don't know what to do. I really would like to either increase his sex drive or calm mine down. There is going to come a day where it will ruin my marriage.
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Old 01-31-2010, 04:48 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Increasing my husband's sex drive

This is hard for me to relate as I was where you are sitting in my marriage, only I am a guy and divorcing probably 50% over this issue. It's a biggie.

It's a complicated subject for sure. . .but here's a generalization I think you can probably apply.

If it's a woman that's disinterested, it could be a complex set of reasons. (or so the pundits say but lately, I am not sure I am buying what the pundits say and it is all that complicated for women - I often think women upplay the complicated card)

If it's the man that's disinterested, it usually comes down to a health issue, whether mental or physical, or he's just wired that way.

I agree with your final assessment - in the end it could ruin the marriage. I think you need to open up a very serious dialogue with him on the subject and let him know exactly what's at stake.

But know that you can't change his drive any more than you can change his cholesterol levels. It's about him, not you.
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Old 01-31-2010, 06:14 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Increasing my husband's sex drive

Can't change drive. Sure as hell can change behavior. If my wife ONLY had sex with me when she was in the mood we would be divorced. If I ONLY did stuff she asked because I was in the mood, we would be every bit as divorced.

Sex is not some special protected category of behavior for the low drive spouse. It is a great way to show love to your higher drive spouse. And like anything else you can compromise in a TON of different ways. Wife can always say she is tired/not in mood for any reason at all long as she is SORRY for not being there for me. Being indifferent is cruel. She can say she is not in the mood - as long as she commits to connecting with me tomorrow and then makes a good faith effort to follow through. This is about love, not lust and not ***king.

So her man - has lots of ways of making an effort here. If he makes an effort and shows some real consideration for how frustrated she is - hell I will take a long full body massage as a sex substitute some nights - maybe she is wired that way as well. But playing your xbox/or watching porn while your wife climbs the walls with frustration and rejection - that is being a bad husband.


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Originally Posted by Scannerguard View Post
This is hard for me to relate as I was where you are sitting in my marriage, only I am a guy and divorcing probably 50% over this issue. It's a biggie.

It's a complicated subject for sure. . .but here's a generalization I think you can probably apply.

If it's a woman that's disinterested, it could be a complex set of reasons. (or so the pundits say but lately, I am not sure I am buying what the pundits say and it is all that complicated for women - I often think women upplay the complicated card)

If it's the man that's disinterested, it usually comes down to a health issue, whether mental or physical, or he's just wired that way.

I agree with your final assessment - in the end it could ruin the marriage. I think you need to open up a very serious dialogue with him on the subject and let him know exactly what's at stake.

But know that you can't change his drive any more than you can change his cholesterol levels. It's about him, not you.
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Old 01-31-2010, 04:05 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Increasing my husband's sex drive

MEM,

I agree. . .don't laugh but during my marriage, I would have taken a 30 minute back scratch (I Love having my back scratched lightly) over sex some nights.

And yes, sometimes you have to "take one for the team" - that's what you are saying.

So. . .really we are in agreement. . .really, we are. . .I don't want to be contentious. Xbox over a naked wife. . .I do think he has a screw loose so I'll just say it.

Hell, I love football but if my wife paraded around me during an Eagles game, Andy Reid and Donovan could go pound sand as far as I am concerned.

But. . .but. . .if there is a real massive libido difference. . .that could be a problem in that 1 partner is constantly "taking one for the team" and the other doesn't feel like it's a team effort, you know? Where's the "love of the game" so to speak? It feels like you are just showing up for work.

And when that happens, it may be time to leave the team.

Let's face it. . .it's about damn near impossible to totally match sex drives on partners. On a scale of 1 to 10, I am probably a 8 (coming down from a 9.5. . .I'm calming down, lol). I know I am probably going to need a 5 or greater in a partner.

I think it's okay for a man to just enjoy his woman sometimes and be thankful. Or vice versa in this case. I don't think every encounter has to be "movie-like." Just sometimes it should be mutual and the other should initiate.

But something's not right with his libido (and yes, behavior) and it needs addressing.
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Old 02-01-2010, 09:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Increasing my husband's sex drive

Doing things together, especially things like working out, may help wake an emotional interest in him. People tend to bond really well over shared accomplishments.

You might be able to leverage his gaming interest to your advantage, depending on the games he plays. Would he like to go to a Ren Fest or science fiction convention in costume? Would he like you to be in costume? If you can pull off dressing up like his favorite female character, that may be a powerful turn on for him. (Female superheroes often dress rather scantily anyway.)

Putting together a set of his/hers costumes could be a shared accomplishment. He'd probably be thrilled if you took an interest in something he likes. And if it's not objectionable to anybody, you might even get busy without removing the costumes.
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Old 02-03-2010, 02:08 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Increasing my husband's sex drive

Thank you all for your replies. Some days it's harder to deal with than others. I just don't understand it. We have talked about his behavior. It seems to upset him and he doesn't want to talk about it. He has recently lost a significant amount of weight, but that hasn't 'fixed' much of anything. It's so frustrating.
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Old 02-03-2010, 03:33 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Increasing my husband's sex drive

SG,
Incredible - sometimes I request a light back scratch as part of foreplay, baby doesn't mind. We have a big libido difference and it has causes some stress but if there is enough love, a little guilt and a little fear, this works out very very well. Did for us.


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Originally Posted by Scannerguard View Post
MEM,

I agree. . .don't laugh but during my marriage, I would have taken a 30 minute back scratch (I Love having my back scratched lightly) over sex some nights.

And yes, sometimes you have to "take one for the team" - that's what you are saying.

So. . .really we are in agreement. . .really, we are. . .I don't want to be contentious. Xbox over a naked wife. . .I do think he has a screw loose so I'll just say it.

Hell, I love football but if my wife paraded around me during an Eagles game, Andy Reid and Donovan could go pound sand as far as I am concerned.

But. . .but. . .if there is a real massive libido difference. . .that could be a problem in that 1 partner is constantly "taking one for the team" and the other doesn't feel like it's a team effort, you know? Where's the "love of the game" so to speak? It feels like you are just showing up for work.

And when that happens, it may be time to leave the team.

Let's face it. . .it's about damn near impossible to totally match sex drives on partners. On a scale of 1 to 10, I am probably a 8 (coming down from a 9.5. . .I'm calming down, lol). I know I am probably going to need a 5 or greater in a partner.

I think it's okay for a man to just enjoy his woman sometimes and be thankful. Or vice versa in this case. I don't think every encounter has to be "movie-like." Just sometimes it should be mutual and the other should initiate.

But something's not right with his libido (and yes, behavior) and it needs addressing.
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Old 02-09-2010, 05:06 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Increasing my husband's sex drive

Hi metalmama

here's the part of your post that leaps out at me:

"i sell bedroom accessories...him masturbating in front of the tv"

I wonder if your man is a sensitive fellow who simply feels upstaged by lots of commercial products? You clearly devote time and attention into making him feel desired, but I do wonder if he might see your world of toys in the same way as you see his tv-centred masturbation?

I don't want to sound unsympathetic - I suffered, and I use that word deliberately, years of extreme sexual arousal and I know i drove my lover absolutely mad with my appetites. She retreated into herself and to me, as an outsider, I wonder if your man has treated into his gaming in just the same way. How are things for you both if you get away for a vacation to some gadget-free environment - no tv, no xbox, no toys?
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