You are not best friends. YOU may think you are. She thinks otherwise. If you were best friends, and you told her how desperately miserable you are, she would CARE.
Tell her this: "I have never been unfaithful to my wife. I have been exposed to temptation, but never been tempted. But now I honestly don’t know what I would do if I ever was in a situation like that again."
Quote:
Last night we gave each other massages. It was beautiful and romantic. I took advantage of her sexual arousal and was able to bring her off with oral sex. I did not push her (aside from kissing and caressing her and thrusting lightly against her hands) to reciprocate though the evidence of my arousal was in her hands. Literally. She told me she was tired and asked if we could start up again this the morning. I have tried twice today to no avail. All I get is a dirty look and the mutter that “all men are pigs.”
You should have said NO, this is not FAIR, and I am tired of you treating this like something that can be ignored. She ignores you because you let her, and you drop the subject, and you let her get away with being treated while having NO INTENTION of treating you.
Tonight was our date night. Like most of our dates it was very nice. I even went so far as to ask her to wear an outfit that I like. She did!
But when we returned home and I initiated intimacy, the old pattern emerged. This is not surprising. However, this time I stopped before it went to far. She was frustrated at not getting her pleasure and tried to deflect me from taking my pleasure. But I told her that this time she would get me off first. As anticipated this did not go well. So I broke off.
I know I should have taken care of myself on her right there and then. But I just had to speak my mind.
Though the, rather heated, discussion that ensued went well from my perspective it did not bring on resolution. And I did not expect it to. I understand that this will take time.
One interesting thing she threw at me was that she could not believe I was brining this up while she was preparing to defend her dissertation (in 2 months). I reminded her that throughout mine she had treated me this way.
At this point the phone rang and she answered it. I think this may have been a gift from god. It was one of my best friends who also happens to be a highly sought after divorce attorney. The look on her face was priceless. It was an innocent call but I know it startled her.
So while I had thought that I would take a bit of time to consider my approach, it seems that I have an opportunity here. Next Wednesday she leaves town for work for a few days. Between now and then I feel I need to pursue what started tonight.
Even if you say, there is not resolution yet, what you have typed is very excellent work in laying in the relationship foundation, this: respect. Respect that before your woman was lacking to you, but know now she is going to replay this night over and over in her mind the next few days.
Expect the testing to ratchet up, but keep on this course, and you should be expecting good things.
VL, I think your wife and mine have a great deal in common...except mine couldn't care less about sex in any way shape or form...including for her. She just doesn't want it and is too busy thinking about our boys to consider me at all.
thank you for the honesty in your posts. I am considering an approach to my wife when the time is right (which won't be for awhile).
I feel for you. In the 22nd year of our marriage, and with two great kids, we are going to counseling. She has never really been my sexual match, and it has grated on me for years. We have both compromised and had some amazing times, but at 44 I feel I have wasted my youth on a woman who doesn't value sex the same way I do. I never used to understand older guys marrying younger women.....until I became an older guy.
Be honest with the experiences you have had, and the person you know you want to be, you don't think you could find and do it right a second time around? I dearly love my wife, but it is just such a struggle for both of us, it seems such a waste of time. My wife is hot and it drives me mental she does not value sex the way I do. I have tried every self help trick in the book over the last decade and while results may work for awhile, I think relationships tend to settle into a comfort zone and breaking that zone and transitioning to a new one is incredibly hard.
Through counseling I learned my wife honestly thinks I should just be able to read her mind. Being successful in business I know blunt and honest communication is the only way to solidify any contract...and marriage is a contract. In so many ways she is my perfect half, but as I get older I realize what I value and what she values are very different things, and I have been compromising all this time. People say a marriage is a compromise, but when you can't feel understood and passionately loved sexually, I think that is a total deal breaker for a man.
Like me, by trying to make it work, by trying to figure out the magic key to her sexual heart..the truth is there is no key. It works or it doesn't. If a woman cannot meet you with an open heart and communicate her needs and hear yours and find a way to satisfy each other, then...there really is no point because for me on sex I am done compromising.
I wish you luck, but know this: when you finally come to the conclusion "this marriage" doesn't work for you, it is a very liberating thing. I came from divorced parents and swore I would never put my kids through that, but the misery of not feeling loved or understood is so horrible that I would rather live without love than feel a slave to it.
Thank you for all the replies and messages you have all sent me.
I just wanted to let you know that I have discovered the root of our problem. While she has been away I have taken the opportunity to read her old journals.
Essentially, I have discovered that she experienced a protracted sexual trauma. For a variety of reasons she felt that she could not tell me, or anyone else, about it when it was happening. To make matters worse the two people she did eventually confide in have since passed away. They had also experienced trauma at the hands of the same perpetrator. He is also now passed on.
I do not want to get into more details, but I think people here should remember that a person not wanting to have sex with their spouse can have issues that have nothing to do with many of the things that are brought up in threads like this one. I am not saying that what has been posted in this thread or others is any less valid for particular individuals. There is no way that a forum could possibly have helped me find out what I have. But it has given me some comfort.
At this point I am working with our marriage counselor to identify a psychiatrist who can help. My sole concern is for the emotional and psychological well being of my wife. All other things are secondary.
I just hope she will not be able to read on my face that I have found out. At least until I have been able to set up a plan of action.
I'm sorry to hear that. That's usually one of the first things I ask about - whether there's former abuse. Because it can be SO hard to get past. I'm sorry I didn't think to ask about it. I wish you both well.
Re: I need it but she does not
