@Millania...well, you obviously have a core of real desire for each other but there are a few problems to juggle: lack of privacy, conflicting schedules, your self-esteem, hubby's denial - there has to be a creative solution to all this.
I won't presume to give advice but here's what my lover and I did when things were great between us. We bought a little digital camera. We decided that we both loved erotica and what could be better than having pics of each other for our pleasure? It quickly became a lot of sexy fun and we didn't always get many photos done! But over a period of time it became a project and we crafted some photos that i'm still very proud of.
They aren't all explicit - there are lots of discrete drapes and shadows but we found real erotic pleasure in doing them together and then having them for solo sexy fun. I wonder if some similar venture might give a you forum to pull together some of the problems you've mentioned. Maybe it would please you to think hubby is keeping his pleasures 'in house' by masturbating over your photos and visa versa - who knows - you may even find he comes in from the cold, opens up and enjoys being an erotic model
@steve71 thats true, I have thought about buying a camera so he can take pictures of me
not sure how I am going to be able to handle the lack of intimacy between us and his porn use, now we are fighting all the time about other things, it just keeps getting worse and keeps going downhill
Hi Millania007...first off, if your avatar is really you, then your hubby is a fool. Sorry. I think very few would understand my complete frustration with the fact my wife couldn't care less about my sexual needs. Ergo, I masturbate. I try to keep it about once a week...but that's mainly because I never have the house to myself. I also try to keep it to once a week because, until recently, the weekends were my only shot of having any sexual related activity. So if the weekend went by and I got nothing but an argument, I'd take care of it early in the week, so that, if by some ridiculous chance my wife decided to take care of me when the weekend came, I would be "primed." I'm no spring chicken any more (at the ripe old age of almost 37)...so I can't do it several times a day like I used to (or like she and I used to when we first got together).
Now, I have noticed that on the rare chance we do have sex, there are a couple factors against me. First, my wife could not be more up front about taking the "lets just get this over with" attitude...so she isn't into it, she doesn't fake it. She literally just lays there and waits for me to get it over with. No positions like we used to, no oral sex like we used to, no ligerie like we used to, no interesting places like we used to...NOTHING. And I used to love it ALL. But now, it's just her, on her back, on the bed, barely willing to even spread her legs enough to actually "engage." Part of me curses myself for stooping to that level where I would allow that to happen and not stand up for myself and walk out on her or just stop in the middle of it. So the sex is boring from that standpoint.
Second, because of what I see on porn, I'm naturally more interested in doing the things that I'm seeing. Again, she would rather have a root canal and has even told me to just be thankful I'm having sex.
So those two things really do a lot to diminish the pleasure of having sex. Unfortunately for me, my desire is so strong that I haven't been able to stop myself in the name of self-respect when she's been willing to have sex but refuses to do a half-way decent job.
So you can see I harbor a great deal of resentment toward my wife. It wouldn't shock me if you felt a little of the same toward your hubby.
My only suggestion is to find out what he likes (since he is clearly without a clue on how to erase the browser history) by seeing what he looks at and then create that yourself.
...now we are fighting all the time about other things, it just keeps getting worse and keeps going downhill
Welcome to my world. I suspect she has no idea since I keep a neutral-to-semi-happy face on...but that will stop when she gives me another BS excuse to not take care of me sexually.
@Millania - sorry...I must have mis-read your other postings - sex three times a week sounds like an Olympic achievement to me right now! I couldn't speculate on what's causing the fights - or is it your resentment and his discomfort at being confronted over his masturbation? I hope you find the opportunity to steer things in a positive direction.
@ Luckycharm-thank you for your fantastic input
I really did not want to think of this today-here my day was going great until I read ur post-I am going to just accept that certain people on here will say certain things-its a forum afterall
We do have sex 3 times a week I need to be thankful for this
he always initiates so I am trying really hard to initiate it, since he loves it when I initiate sex, what man doesnt want to feel desired
the point is, I am upset if I find out he viewed and doesnt want me when I come home
I am not upset if he viewd it and WANTS me when I come home, at least then I know he didnt take care of himself and would rather have his wife
Yes @Steve I think we fight so much because of my resentment toward him masturbating and watching porn, I resent him a lot-he is between jobs and gets to sit home all day while I work
hopefully once he finds a job things can improve, thanks for your thoughts
@jgn2112fletch-wow I am so sorry u are going through this, thats one thing I fear-boredom-its too bad your wife isnt willing to work with you to try new positions, new things in bed
each time we have sex I try a new position, a new way, a BJ in between, I have toys, lingere, we do it rough, soft, sex is always AWESOME it just sometimes doesnt seem to happen enough, I need to calm down because a lot of women/men dont even get it 3 times a week. At least I get sex, I just get upset when he rejects me on a day he has viewing porn. but if he has been viewing porn and I initiate and hes all for it, I get really happy and thats what helps me cope through this difficult time
Thank you everyone for continuing to reply to me
I think I am just overly jealous that he gets his alone time a lot more than I do, and I dont need porn to get off
I am learning each day he "needs" this about a couple times a week
so hopefully we will still have sex a few times a week
ONCE that stops THEN it will become an even BIGGER problem
so Men..does masturbation feel better than sex? I keep hearing masturbation feels better(stronger orgasm)
if you are doing so many times a week I'm not sure why you are worrying.
sometimes men do it alone because we enjoy it that does not mean we don't like our spouse. the way men feel and think are different than women.
we have our world up and down there. and we like to have our own time alone. if keep getting upset or mad because of what he is doing alone then you are pushing him a way or putting a lot stress on him.
be normal and be yourself. and do it with him because you want to please him, do it because you want to do it that is the fun we experience from our part.
thx for chiming back in Lucky-and a good post too ur other one made me sad
u are so right! I dont know why I worry so much! I should be thankful I am getting it on at least 3 times a week! I also think you are right that by me getting upset/hurt and resenting him is not helping, he DOES seem very stressed out, and he always says its because I need to improve my attitude. I am trying SO hard not to show resentment and to love him for who he is
I also-like u said-do it with him because I WANT to please him-nothing makes me happier than seeing his happy face when we are done thanks again for the positive reply
Well it seems to me there is more than one issue to address here. First, you are resentful of your husband
1) Because he does not have a job and you do.
2) He has time freedoms that you do not.
This is playing a bigger role in this than I think you realize.
Secondly, I think you need to understand what is like for a man to be out of work. It is demoralizing. He may be "escaping" into the porn world as a way to address his depression. I think you could easily substitute porn here for drugs or alcohol.
Third, if you live with others and they are also gone during the day, this gives him plenty of free time. As man's minds will do, he will start to look at porn, as crutch, or out of boredom, or both.
When he was employed, was porn/masturbation an issue?
To start addressing this issues, he should be out during the day looking for a job. Secondly, if he is out of work, then he should be keeping to your schedule. If you go to bed at ten, for example, then he needs to as well. You guys could have sex, he could then get back up if he so chooses.
You say there may be days where he looks at porn and masturbates and days he does not masturbate I would guess, as a man, that he does. He can just get going again for you. This should pose no threat to you.
If he does masturbate and then denies you sex, then we have a problem. You will need to be stern and tell him that this is not acceptable. You will need to be prepared to follow up on this.
As far as masturbation feeling better than sex - not for me. Granted, it is different, I can do exactly what I want, but I would much prefer sex.
@Millania - I think Keefer talks a great deal of good sense in the above post. I hadn't understood that your man has lost his job but now I can easily imagine his downward spiral of demoralization and self-medication with porn. (I'll say here that my business crashed when my relationship folded and I guess that was the bleakest time of my life - so your man has my sympathy in that sense).
I agree with Keefer too that you do need to act if hubby can't reach out of his solitude. Can you put aside your resentment and be the big person for both your sakes? I would suggest that he needs to be lovingly seduced back into the world rather than simply confronted. And it also sounds to me as if you guys are a long way from the marital rocks - so get that camera out!
Does masturbation feel netter than sex...well, I can get out of my brains either way but give me the warmth of a lover every time
thx keefer and Steve-u shed some good guiding light here, he is definitley depressed and constantly looking online for work
transportation probs have prevented him from actually "going out" and looking for work so he spends a lot of time at home and online applying
so its no wonder when everyone leaves the house after he is done applying he ventures to porn-it probably has a LOT to do with boredom of doing the same exact thing everyday trying to find work
I DO need to cut him some slack, I have shown WAY too much resentment toward him, I need to be nicer, and like u said Steve-seduce him back to reality-back to the real world
I just cant wait until he finds a job but I will be much nicer to him, now I "kind of" understand his self medication option of porn a little bit more. Each day I am learning to accept it a bit more than the day before
Tell him you want to have sex every day this week. He gets to choose anything he wants; if he wants you to start things a couple of times, or every time, you will. You guys can even act out the plot of a porn movie if he likes. If he wants whipped cream and handcuffs, fine. But you're doing an online challenge from a marriage site: sex every single day for the entire week.
Tell him you don't care about the porn, or any of that, just so long as it doesn't interfere with the one-week challenge of sex every day. And to make it fully honest: I hereby challenge everyone reading this to have sex every day this week.
If his porn habit doesn't keep you from having sex every day for a week, or if it would but he can keep it under control for the duration, then I'd say you've probably got no long-term problems. So try it and see what happens.
I can definitely see where ur going as far as the sex thing goes, I would love to be having it 4-5 times a week. BUT, we are in the same boat as you with just 3 times a week.... What i like doing is when hubs is fast asleep, start giving him a b.j. out of nowhere, he will NEVER expect it, and i would imagine its pretty nice to wake up and be receiving head. Just a thought, not something that i do all the time, but its a good place to start if you truly want to start initiating sex again.
Re: Men how often do you masturbate and..
