Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Ok, me and my wife have been married for about 2 and a half years, and overall I would say we have a pretty good marriage, like we leave each other notes, make each other meals, tell each other we love each other, all these things are all about 50/50, so doesnt really seem like anybody is chasing anybody..although I used to push sexual intimacy maybe more than I shouldve, I am a guy and have a high sex drive, my wife seems in a better mood if she gets sex at least twice a week, more than 3 times a week and shes just tired all the time...but I understand, I used to have a harder time understanding this...but have learned that just cuz your married doesnt mean you cant masterbait..so I started masterbaiting once or twice a week...she has never masterbaited once in her life and is grossed out at the thought of me masterbaiting, and I asked her if she ever has and she was like "Noooooo noooo"
anyways thats some deep stuff, but I guess thats what we do here at this website, say deep things. Ultimately our problem is my wife doesnt seem to crave sex anywhere close to the level that I do, she loves it when we have sex, but she will never instigate, I have tried many different things, like talking about it in a nice way, being a better husband, done all kinds of romantic things, I even try pretending not to care about sex, to see if that will make her want it more....its just alot of the times when we are having sex it seems like she is more worried about trying to stay clean than enjoying sex, she wont ever touch me in a sexual way without me instigating it first, she gives me head, but only if I ask for it which I dont like doing, cuz then its not like she wants to do it.. I shave down there, keep clean, I go down on her all the time and she loves it, and she lets me know...but to get her to go down on me seems like such a chore to her...the only time she ever gives me head without me asking for it is in the shower, and that only starts if I start kissing her, which is kinda like asking her for head in a way.....
I guess all I want is for her to be a little more dirty minded, she is too inoccent, and I have come to the point to just accept it, but its hard, especially in the world we live in, sex is every where, except in my own house....I am just afraid because we dont even have kids yet...cuz whenever we are in a house where theres people next room, she wont have sex, she is just so scared of other people hearing....she covers her mouth when I give her head which kinda ruins it for me cuz I like the noises, but she is too ashamed...
How can I get my wife to just enjoy sex and give oral sex and enjoy it...how can I get her to be a little dirty and naughty, how can I get her to anjoy giving oral, or instigating dirtier or more erotic sex positions, or other out of the ordinary sex positions?
I tend to be that way....any references to sex make me blush - my husband thinks its cute. It has alot to do with how and where I was raised. Some families just don't discuss it. If she was raised in an environment where it was talked about, making it something to be ashamed of, then she is less likely too.
On oral sex....not all of us like to give it. Sorry, its a fact. If we don't like it, I don't think you can convince us to like it. For me its a smell, taste thing if I take it all the way. I'm willing to give some....but I won't finish (which some guys will say is cruel, but I do what I can do). Some people have sensitive gag reflexes.
Everyone's sex drive is different - after reading this site we've polled some of our friends - almost all of them are 1 to 2 times a week people. It seems like a very normal thing.
I would suggest erotic games maybe? Discuss with her why it makes her uncomfortable. Tell her you want to have her enjoy it just as much as you do and for that to happen she has to be able to discuss it.
If all else fails, you could find a therapist that could help both of you.
She grew up catholic, but her parents are always kissing in public, her mom actually makes sexual jokes with her...she has been very exposed to sex, although she was a virgin when we married, non of her friends were, she was always going to clubls with them, doing all the things that a catholic girl would not do...except have sex...sometimes I acually wish that she wouldnt have been a virgin when we married...its just she wont ever be the one instigating anything sexual, or sexual jokes.....whenever I try talking to her or asking her..she pretends like there is no problem, or I just get one word answers...I can never get inside her head, and I stopped trying, it just gets me frustrated, instead I go on as if nothing is wrong...nothing to talk about.
I made a mistake a few months into our marriage...she was starting to kiss me and began unbuckling my belt..this was after work, and everyday after work I go to the gym...I was getting ready to go workout and told her, "your just doing this to keep me from going to the gym" (she hates it when I leave her alone at homee, but she wont come to the gym with me) so that completely ruined her mood...she has never instigated sex since...I have tried talking about it but she wont say anything...except that it hurt when I rejected her...
I guess she is "very sensitive" and more than most woman....yes..she has always been like this...shes gotton a bit better with time but it seems like she has peaked her sexual drive...we could literally go months without sex, but I dont let that happen, shes in a better mood if I have sex with her a few times a week (notice I say "I have sex with her" not we have sex) literally sometimes feels like I am having sex with a blow up doll that only does what I make it do...
You have to just get over the idea that she is going to initiate sex with you. Most women, even very high sex drive women, rarely come out and directly ask for sex or make physical moves to get it started. Usually they give only small signals of interest... playing their hair, eye contact, "so what would you like to do", smiling at you then breaking eye contact and looking down, touching herself on the neck etc. You're just meant to realize she is interested.
If she ever makes a physical move on you, you absolutely must follow through on that. Women take sexual rejection very personally.
She sounds very shy and quiet on the sexual front, though that is not the same as having low desire. It's probably up to you to force the issue with her by being a little more dominant and forceful. My hunch is that she has submissive fantasies. Perhaps explore that online together a little. There's a ton of websites and blogs on that sort of topic.
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shes 25...I say I think shes peaked cuz I just dont see any way that she would ever change....I am hoping but I dunno...
Yes I tried talking to her very slowly, softly, I have told her many times how much I would like it if she initiated, but she just seems surprised, she says she initiates all the time...so I guess womans idea of initiating and mens idea of initiating sex are two different worlds....I would like her to release her wild animal side but the longer we've been together the less likely that will happen...sex to me with her seems very scientific, or planned, not crazy at all...sometimes while having sex she will talk to my penis like its a little kid or something, stuff that just turns me right off...she'll give it weird names and stuff...so she is not exactly shy in bed, just not very sexy I guess...
and i am not talking about sexy names, just plain weird stuff...or she will tickle me in a very annoying way, not sexy at all, more like brothers and sisters tickle each other, weird and annoying not sexy at all...
I haven't read through the other posts so forgive any repeating. Your relationship is actually very young, especially sexually. Sometimes these things take a lot of time to grow, and it's best done very slowly. It's hard to undo issues of embarrassment and fear of dirty-ness, whether it's mental or physical. I am certainly further along now, 18 years (OMG!) later than I would have been at her point in sexual activity. I remember being in a biology class in college where the professor said the word "clitoris"...I thought I was going to swallow my own tongue it stressed me out so bad! Now? I can talk dirty with the best of them. I used to cover my mouth too, and was actually worried that men would think I was a freak if I made any noise. I don't know where these ideas come from, but they take a long time to undo.
I'd recommend some good books, open conversations with eachother, maybe some marriage counseling. I like the books by Ian Kerner..."She Comes First" and "Passionista". Very, very good books for any couple, in fact.
I've mentioned before that I like dancing. I mostly dance with my wife, but I've danced with other women over the years at various parties and such. Rich women, lawyers, people who were used to being in charge at work. One was a colonel in the US Army. And every woman I've ever danced with had one thing in common: they all expected me to lead on the dance floor.
It may just be that in your wife's mind, she "initiates" by sending you subtle signals that she's receptive to your overtures. She interprets your response as a sign that she successfully initiated sex, because she did something and you wound up having sex. Yay for her, it worked!
Maybe you should think of what you'd like her to do by way of initiating, and then tell her to do it. When she seems to be interested in sex (and watch carefully for subtle signs of this), look her square in eyes and say "Kiss me". If that works, you can move up to "Sit in my lap and kiss me." If she seems to be responding well, then go for "Go to the bedroom, and come back here wearing nothing but your bathrobe." If she comes back as directed, have her sit in your lap and kiss you some more.
It may be that the physical actions you associate with instigating are things she'll be happy to do, but this is a dance that she expects you to lead. If all goes really well, in a few years she may start doing the things on her own. What I mean here is that if she gets used to coming into the living room wearing nothing but a bathrobe, she may do it on her own accord. But you might have to lead her through it a couple dozen times first.
so pretty much I gotta train my wife...hahha, that sounds wrong but it is what it is I guess....fact is, I think I have gotton all screwed up with what we see everywhere...like woman riding guys cowgirl or reverse cowgirl style, 69, all those positions she doesnt like doing, seems like she feels insecure, although if I ask for it she will get on top of me...I guess what I am after is kinda like you see in movies, steamy sex scenes where the woman is all over the guy..but I know life aint no fantasy movie so the whole dance approach might be a better way to think of it from now on...thanks.
I will give that a shot, makes sense the more I think of it, I just need to be a little more patient..its just I find it frustrating to only get a blow job when I ask for it..in a nice way...sometimes she will start doing it but then fall asleep even though she slept 8 hours the night before...just seems she aint all that interested in the sex part like she first was...before we were married we had this issue as well with oral sex where I was constantly asking for it...I have a feeling the only sex we wouldve ever had if I didnt initiate would be the missionary position we had on our honeymoon night...heck, she even was willing to try anal the first night...when now theres no chance...even though I am willing to be very slow with lots and lots of lube, she just isnt as wild as me I guess, and thats hard for me to live with, seems like all she wants is missionary...I am only 24, not 65...
By the way, that dancing thing works really really well. Women love dancing. Take ballroom dance classes at a place like Arthur Murray for 8 weeks or something.
When you're dancing, you're touching each other. She's paying attention to how you move your body so she can respond (you don't talk about which way to go, you just go). When we first did the tango, quite some years ago, she practically dragged me to the bedroom after we got home.
If you want to get your woman's motor running, ballroom dancing is worth a try.
actually me and my wife are taking our first dancing class this friday...shes already a great dancer she grew up dancing but I am not much of a dancer, never really been exposed to it..so lets see how it goes...
Ya, I would look for the subtle signels. Sometimes i grab a bull by the horn- so to speak- but then other times i like to give the subtle hints. Rembmer the good ol' days of flirting? Before you guys were married? Thats what im talking about, sometimes its hard to see that your spouce is acting that way- (caressing your arm, laughing at your jokes, being playful) but for shy women, THAT is initiating intimacy.......
there are different levels and comfort zones for initiating.
Heres the craziest part...she wants kids now too...I would love to have kids, but not at this point in our relationship, I mentioned that to her..she gets emotional..eventually I agreed to try for a baby, to do that I had to convince her that I actually want kids as well cuz she didnt believe that anymore...its just a little crazy to me that she wants kids now, how is sex in our marriage gonna be then? that definitely wont help, then its all about the kids...I dont think theres enough trust in our relationship for that yet.....its just crazy that I cant have a conversation about anything with my wife without her crying and feeling useless...
I was still uncomfortable after 10 years of marriage, due to upbringing telling me that I was bad if I had sex! My brain couldn't differentiate and tell me it's ok once you're married. She's only 25, Catholic, and was a virgin. You've got a lot of waiting ahead for her to mature and become comfortable in her own skin. Above all, do NOT pressure her by telling her she's not good enough or not doing enough. Just be joyous around her when you do get to have sex, so she equates happy times with it.
There's a book called 52 Invitations for Grrreat Sex by Laura Corn. It has 26 invitations for each of you to give to the other, for fun times together that aren't really all that naughty. Some are downright boring. I would start there. Find a really tame one, set up the evening, and give her the invitation. It lets her explore her sexuality with you in a safe way.
trust me she hasnt peaked yet, when I was 25 my hubby always needed to ask for sex, finally now at 29 years old I want it all the time, probably more than my husband! last year he had the little talk with me about initiating sex, he said he was tired of ALWAYS having to initiate sex. I am so used to him initiating sex but ever since he came out and told me what he wanted I am trying hard to please him. The point is I think you need to speak with your wife. Tell her exactly how you feel, tell her u do not want to offend her but you would love it if she just went straight for a bj, that it would make you feel so desired and so good. its funny because as I was reading your post it felt like my husband was writing it, my hubby had the bj conversation with me too..he said he would love it if #1 I did it more and #2 if I would initiate it more instead of him always having to ask for one. Trying hard to at least give him a bj a week if not 2. he seems happier
I still cant seem to beat him to the punch with initiating sex, but I am trying -on the day I want to initiate sex, he ALWAYS beats me to it! a lot of my fear of initiating sex with him was a fear that he would not be "ready" or have a problem getting hard because I jumped him to quickly etc. Not that he has ED problems but its a fear most women have, that maybe he will not be "ready" or maybe they will say no which would kill our self esteem
Anyway I hope you get to have a nice heart to heart with her about your feelings. I really hope it works out for you and that she becomes more freaky for you