Long story short, I recently found out about an affair that stopped happening about 8 months ago. It was between my husband and his ex. They continued their relationship for the first 2 years of our relationship. They stopped, supposedly (I've done a lot of digging too), when we got married.
So, now I am basically disgusted with him sexually. It has been 2 months and I cringe even when he tries to kiss me. I feel like I was tricked into the marriage. Had I known of this affair, obviously I wouldn't have married him.
Does anyone have experience with his? Will it go away?
At this point I don't see the attraction coming back. It's JUST him. I still crave sex every now and again. But he turns me off.
Any input? I know that his is not a healthy first-year-of-marriage sex life.
I am sorry to hear that happened to you.
if I were in your shoes I would be asking as many questions as I could think of.
O also that when you say "I feel like I was tricked into the marriage"
what do you mean.
and will the pain ever go away the answer is no but it will lessen with time and the attraction will return but it will take time.
I am sorry to hear that happened to you.
if I were in your shoes I would be asking as many questions as I could think of.
O also that when you say "I feel like I was tricked into the marriage"
what do you mean.
What I meant was, I never would have married a person who had been cheating on me since day one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by x2startermom
and will the pain ever go away the answer is no but it will lessen with time and the attraction will return but it will take time.
Thank you for that bit; that is exactly what I was wondering. I really wanted to know if there is a possibility that I will feel like having sex with him again.
If any men are reading this: If you went from a marriage of having sex every day to a marriage of no sex (but it was because of your indiscretions) how would you handle this? He's really irritated that we weren't having sex. He claims that since the affair was 8 months ago (I only found out about it 2 months ago), that I should "get over it."
If he is not apologizing and asking YOU what HE needs to do to make YOU feel better, he is not remorseful, and he will probably do it again. Have you asked for his passwords? Do you have a keylogger installed on his computer? If he wants you to get over it, he should be taking such steps.
If he is not apologizing and asking YOU what HE needs to do to make YOU feel better, he is not remorseful, and he will probably do it again. Have you asked for his passwords? Do you have a keylogger installed on his computer? If he wants you to get over it, he should be taking such steps.
He is profusely apologizing. He asks what needs to be done to make me feel better but he is so impatient. One moment he will be a sad puppy dog, sorry and humble, then the next when I deny him sex he gets angry and says I will never get over it and "should just leave." Whenever he says that, I pack a bag and leave for the night. Then he starts again with the apologies and the "I'll do anything please don't leave" bit.
I've had a keylogger on his computer for years. A really good one, actually - called "Spector Pro." It is seriously worth the money. But, due to me catching him numerous times using this, I feel like he just uses other computers and his phone to do anything "shady." I haven't had proof of an affair for about 7 or 8 months, but I don't doubt he's up to something. I wouldn't put it past him. Ever. He says I can look at his phone whenever I want, but he acts offended when I do. He usually keeps his message box empty.
The thing is, I actually don't think he's cheating at the moment, though. He has gained a lot of weight, he wears sweatpants ALL the time, and his keylogger shows he's almost always at home. (He's unemployed)
I just don't feel like the sexual connection is coming back anytime soon. =/
He has gained a lot of weight, he wears sweatpants ALL the time, and his keylogger shows he's almost always at home. (He's unemployed)
I just don't feel like the sexual connection is coming back anytime soon. =/
My H, after 30 years, has finally gained somewhat of a belly. I never realized that it mattered to me, but it does! I cringe when he comes to bed now. Of course, I can't say anything, because I've been overweight since D19 was born, and he has never said a word.
Physical attraction can be one of a person's top needs, from their spouse. Do you think that may be an issue for you? It can keep you from feeling close to him, if it is.
If so, he deserves to know that, so he can make a decision on whether he wants to work on it.
My H, after 30 years, has finally gained somewhat of a belly. I never realized that it mattered to me, but it does! I cringe when he comes to bed now. Of course, I can't say anything, because I've been overweight since D19 was born, and he has never said a word.
Physical attraction can be one of a person's top needs, from their spouse. Do you think that may be an issue for you? It can keep you from feeling close to him, if it is.
If so, he deserves to know that, so he can make a decision on whether he wants to work on it.
I have told him that it would help if he was in better shape. Though, at this point I'm not sure if it would really make a huge difference. Every time he goes to touch me I instantly picture him having sex with the woman he cheating on me with and wonder if he made the same moves on her and etc. So, while him being in better shape would certainly be better eye candy, I don't want to make a big deal out of it because it's not his big gut that is turning me off at this point. It's his stupid mind for ever compromising our relationship with such a dumb sl*t. (pardon my language)
as a man, i really wouldnt expect you to forgive me. i am not the type of person who could forgive that if my spouse did it, and i'm not a hypocrit
Thank you for that. It's always nice to see a man's perspective. I just am trying to forgive him and I know I'm supposed to forgive him "for myself" (as many self help books say), but it is much easier said than done. That's for sure!
If you will ever feel the need to have sex with that man again will be all up to you.
I recommended that you two talk openly about what happened.
ask your hubby what the definition of marriage is in his opinion is.
my Hubby has put forth a radical Idea for our lives he calls it being naked here is what he means
"we cloth our self's to hide our self's from others so if we are to be completely honest with ourselves and others we need to be naked so every one else can see us for who we are not just in private but when there are others around"
here is an fyi before we had kids we were both completely naked in-front of each other so we could be as honest and be comfortable with the idea.
MrsInPain - I just learned about my wife's PA (knew about the EA for 3 months). I am starting the same issue you are having. I don't yet know how I will react to her sexually. I guess I will know tomorrow as I have made hotel reservations for Valentines Day. This news really puts a damper on things. I think you and I differ a bit in that I still want to have sex with my wife and I still think about being with her. I just haven't had a chance to see how I will react when the time comes. I'll keep you posted and will keep in touch to maybe provide you with any insight into my situation.
MrsInPain - I just learned about my wife's PA (knew about the EA for 3 months). I am starting the same issue you are having. I don't yet know how I will react to her sexually. I guess I will know tomorrow as I have made hotel reservations for Valentines Day. This news really puts a damper on things. I think you and I differ a bit in that I still want to have sex with my wife and I still think about being with her. I just haven't had a chance to see how I will react when the time comes. I'll keep you posted and will keep in touch to maybe provide you with any insight into my situation.
I hope things go well for you. I read on here, somewhere (I forget) that you may want to try listening to some love songs that mean something to you two, look at some old pictures that bring up happy memories, and try to get that feeling you had in the beginning (you can do that alone too, before you go on your trip).
I sort of ruined sex for us because I've developed a habit of instantly thinking of the PA as soon as he touches me. Please try not to do that - I may have ruined my sex life with him indefinitely. Perhaps you can go down a different road than me! Keep it light, playful and keep thinking of the happy times.
If any men are reading this: If you went from a marriage of having sex every day to a marriage of no sex (but it was because of your indiscretions) how would you handle this? He's really irritated that we weren't having sex. He claims that since the affair was 8 months ago (I only found out about it 2 months ago), that I should "get over it."
MrsInPain, that is a tough one to answer but I'd like to at least give it a try and you can take it or leave it. My situation is a bit different because I've been giving myself wholely to my wife and practically begging her for sex and she is 100% disgusted and not interested in sex...so if I found she was cheating, I'd be gone, and yet somehow (I think justifiably) if I cheated, I think that she would be somewhat wrong to leave me...that's a whole other thread. But hopefully you get what I'm saying. but to answer yoru question directly, all things being equal, if I cheated AND I was being sexually satisfied (I'm trying to put myself in your hubby's situation) by my wife, I personally would be rocked with guilt...and if I was truly in love with you, I'd be willing to ride it out and work my ass off to right my wrong. But I would also need assurances that this wasn't going to be something you'd be holding over my head forever. Not to sound trite, but people make mistakes. Forgiveness doesn't mean you don't have to be mad, but it does mean you have to move on. And if you "forgave" me, but years from now you were still cold to me and holding that mistake over my head, I'd be apt to leave under the, "I fv(ked it up beyond repair" and probably cut my losses and just end it.
I hope that made sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you forgive him (and that has to be your choice...if he is truly sorry and is busting his ass to make up for it, then it seems reasonable) then you have to move on as well as him. I think it stands to reason that if there is any infidelity in the future there should be no discussion. It's over. Thats my opinion from a guy's point of view.
I sort of ruined sex for us because I've developed a habit of instantly thinking of the PA as soon as he touches me. Please try not to do that - I may have ruined my sex life with him indefinitely.
It may help for you to STOP blaming YOURSELF when it's your HUSBAND who is treating you like dirt by being a serial cheater and liar.
Seriously. What kind of therapy are you in? Cos it ain't working!
It may help for you to STOP blaming YOURSELF when it's your HUSBAND who is treating you like dirt by being a serial cheater and liar.
Seriously. What kind of therapy are you in? Cos it ain't working!
Has he done a polygraph yet?
Thank you.. & the "therapy" I've had has been a joke. He has been seeing a therapist (she's basically a family counselor) for 10 months now to deal SPECIFICALLY with his lying issues. (His dad funded it because he stole a bunch from his dad)
Long story short - when I found out about the A 2 or so months ago, I started going with him for some sessions (about 6 or 7 sessions). I found that she was very sympathetic of him, even though he has displayed (and continues to display) an extreme amount of narcissistic behavior. She basically told me to put his infidelity in the past, which normally I would agree with... but it is very hard as he continues to lie to me about various things (DAILY). Infidelity and lying go hand in hand. She was after all HIS therapist and not mine. So I think I need to get my own.
Funny you mention the polygraph, I just got him to agree to taking one yesterday. Now I have to book it. None of the websites list prices. Does anyone know how much a test costs on average? I have about 20 questions drafted. Somewhere around 15 of them are specific questions about various females I'm sure he boinked. Just in case he passes the "have you cheated on your wife sine [date]" question.
I have lost interest
Re: I have lost interest
