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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 08-22-2013, 02:31 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Newly Married, Sex Sucks

Both my wife and I were virgins when we married a month ago. I get that virgin + newly married is a recipe for sexual dissatisfaction, but I'd still like some help.

We had both given each other oral and played around sexually quite a bit, but our wedding night was the first PIV experience for either of us.

As is often the case, the honeymoon was a learning experience sexually. The first few times were frustrating for me because it seemingly hurt for her in every position, and she would often ask questions like, "What's wrong?" mid-way through sex -- or would want to stop all together, which in turn turned me off completely. Finally we discovered that her on top (WOT) was the least painful position, it felt good for both of us, and thus began our new routine.

It's been very bewildering for me, but my wife wants to have sex every day and I find myself not looking forward to it at all. It's not that I'm suffering from ED, I can force myself to have sex any time, but I'm just not mentally into it at all. I think part of the reason is because it seems like everything except WOT, even now, results in her making a bad face or saying she isn't enjoying it. So, just knowing that unless I do the one thing she wants, she's going to hate it, somehow is turning me off.

The girls I dated before her always seemed to really enjoy messing around with me. They loved fingering / oral / etc, and I always felt like I was pretty good at it (talented liars, maybe?). I was the first person to ever finger my wife (while we were still dating) and she tensed up completely and seemed to hate it. To this day, she has made it very clear that she doesn't enjoy being fingered. For whatever reason, maybe it's the forbidden-fruit syndrome, this makes me want to finger her all the more. ONE time when my wife got drunk, I fingered her and she aggressively told me to continue. That was definitely one of my favorite moments. Last night, though, as we were fighting about all of this, she told me that even then it was "certainly not comfortable," although she was into it for some reason.

Here's what it comes down to, I guess:
(1) I feel very unconfident because I feel like our boundaries of pleasure are incredibly tight. One misstep and she's going to be saying "OW!" or grimacing.
(2) This in turn absolutely kills my desire. It's not that WOT is terrible, it's just sort of mechanical if I know that's the only thing that's going to happen.
(3) My lack of desire makes her insecure. She wants to have sex regularly -- how terrible, I know -- and I'm just not into it. That can't feel good.

I realize it's not her fault that things hurt, or are uncomfortable, but I've gotta say that I imagined sex with my wife being very inclusive and adventurous. I guess everyone guy wants to believe that his wife is exploding at his every move, but I know I certainly could use a dose of that.

Any advice you may have would be tremendously appreciated. I love my wife dearly, and outside of the bedroom our relationship is fantastic. It sucks that the one thing that I'm "supposed" to be looking forward to is the one that I'm NOT looking forward to.
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Old 08-22-2013, 02:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Married, Sex Sucks

Does she enjoy you going down on her? My guess is no if she doesn't enjoy being fingered.

Does she masturbate? If so how often and how does she masturbate?

Is she able to move your hand to where she wants it to be? Does she go down on you and does she get into it or does she tolerate it?

Based on the little you've written, it sounds like her libido has been unleashed. Hoo Hoo! But it also sounds like she doesn't know how to orgasm.

You have to talk with her about orgasms and it has to be done in a way that doesn't make her feel inadequate if she can't answer the questions.

For a woman, learning to orgasm usually happens via masturbation first. The she has to be able to communicate to you what she likes.

Since she says she doesn't like being fingered, I would focus on her clit and not her vagina during foreplay. The clit is a wondrous thing that many young virgins have no idea where there's is, let alone how to show you.

Lots of talking and questions and answers.

Your young wife, having remained a virgin, probably also remained fairly ignorant about her body. The painful intercourse could be as simple as lack of lubrication or as complicated as a pelvic muscle spasm that she has no control over.
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Old 08-22-2013, 02:46 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Married, Sex Sucks

Also wanted to reassure you that both of you need to cut yourselves some slack. It takes a while to learn how to have satisfying sex, learn your own body and learn to share that body. You built up expectations of fireworks but it takes quite a long time of learning before mutual fireworks appear.

Bravo to you for seeking out help and information! Send you wife here too! We are very gentle with newly married wives perplexed about sex.
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Old 08-22-2013, 02:52 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Married, Sex Sucks

Quote:
Originally Posted by pursuit_of_perfect View Post
Both my wife and I were virgins when we married a month ago. I get that virgin + newly married is a recipe for sexual dissatisfaction, but I'd still like some help.

We had both given each other oral and played around sexually quite a bit, but our wedding night was the first PIV experience for either of us.

As is often the case, the honeymoon was a learning experience sexually. The first few times were frustrating for me because it seemingly hurt for her in every position, and she would often ask questions like, "What's wrong?" mid-way through sex -- or would want to stop all together, which in turn turned me off completely. Finally we discovered that her on top (WOT) was the least painful position, it felt good for both of us, and thus began our new routine.
Think about her. If it's painful or uncomfortable, it's painful or uncomfortable. Imagine you had a unhealed wound on you, and the wife puts pressure on it and it hurts like holey he11. "Does this hurt?", of course it hurts. So if she says it hurts or too uncomfortable, believe her.

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Originally Posted by pursuit_of_perfect View Post
It's been very bewildering for me, but my wife wants to have sex every day and I find myself not looking forward to it at all. It's not that I'm suffering from ED, I can force myself to have sex any time, but I'm just not mentally into it at all. I think part of the reason is because it seems like everything except WOT, even now, results in her making a bad face or saying she isn't enjoying it. So, just knowing that unless I do the one thing she wants, she's going to hate it, somehow is turning me off.
Of course it's going to turn you off or slow your roll. However you have to think about her. If she says it hurts or is uncomfortable, over time she will not be running to sex as often. You have to find a way to slow it down, but also find a way to get the sex to a point where theres no discomfort.

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Originally Posted by pursuit_of_perfect View Post
The girls I dated before her always seemed to really enjoy messing around with me. They loved fingering / oral / etc, and I always felt like I was pretty good at it (talented liars, maybe?). I was the first person to ever finger my wife (while we were still dating) and she tensed up completely and seemed to hate it. To this day, she has made it very clear that she doesn't enjoy being fingered. For whatever reason, maybe it's the forbidden-fruit syndrome, this makes me want to finger her all the more. ONE time when my wife got drunk, I fingered her and she aggressively told me to continue. That was definitely one of my favorite moments. Last night, though, as we were fighting about all of this, she told me that even then it was "certainly not comfortable," although she was into it for some reason.
Newsflash. Women like sex too. The fingering thing might be a giving up control thing.

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Originally Posted by pursuit_of_perfect View Post
Here's what it comes down to, I guess:
(1) I feel very unconfident because I feel like our boundaries of pleasure are incredibly tight. One misstep and she's going to be saying "OW!" or grimacing.
(2) This in turn absolutely kills my desire. It's not that WOT is terrible, it's just sort of mechanical if I know that's the only thing that's going to happen.
(3) My lack of desire makes her insecure. She wants to have sex regularly -- how terrible, I know -- and I'm just not into it. That can't feel good.
What can you do to make it so it would not hurt or be discomforted? Imagine how her desire must feel for it to keep hurting. The thing about it, is the situation sucks for you, but imagine those of us TAM'ers who are SEXLESS. I'd love to be able to get it and wait the one or two minutes for her to grimace and say stop. Way better than nothing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pursuit_of_perfect View Post

I realize it's not her fault that things hurt, or are uncomfortable, but I've gotta say that I imagined sex with my wife being very inclusive and adventurous. I guess everyone guy wants to believe that his wife is exploding at his every move, but I know I certainly could use a dose of that.
How can you turn her onto this non-sexually? Has her mind ever been like this with anyone else?

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Originally Posted by pursuit_of_perfect View Post
Any advice you may have would be tremendously appreciated. I love my wife dearly, and outside of the bedroom our relationship is fantastic. It sucks that the one thing that I'm "supposed" to be looking forward to is the one that I'm NOT looking forward to.
Same as the last question? Has her head ever been in the game with anyone else for this? And what can you do about it?
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Old 08-22-2013, 03:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Married, Sex Sucks

Get the book, "Sheet Music" and read it together.
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Old 08-22-2013, 03:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Married, Sex Sucks

Personally I think that being a virgin and then all of a sudden (in a span of 7 honeymoon days) you have to come out of it being some sex expert.

That's a lot of pressure.

Sex for women is very different. It can be painful also, but it shouldn't be.

I'm thinking maybe the positions you are using are too ummm deep? You can look this stuff up. Usually those positions are also aggressive, and if she has hang ups or is worried about sex at all it may be a problem.

HOWEVER you should not take "it hurts" as a total slam against you! Go slower or ask her questions during the act, it doesn't have to be so serious.

With my first serious boyfriend there was great and bad sex, and normal sex. All of that is part of being human.

Maybe focus on taking sex off the table and start with TONS of foreplay. Not to be too graphic, but are you allowing her the control to um... insert herself, when she is ready.

Some positions don't feel good, and that's okay. Find ones that do.

You should be able to talk to her about this, don't mention your other partners. All women are different. I have had to tell a guy or 2- wtf are you doing? Some of this stuff is picked up from porn, or just preconceived notions of sex.

The more you talk, take your time and find ways to make her feel good, the more she will be willing to try new things (and it might surprise you how freaky women can get)

Since your wife was a virgin I would also suggest she sees her gyne for a check up and to discuss these issues. Mostly it's an inability to relax, issues with pelvic muscles, enough foreplay and lubrication.

Foreplay should start way before you have sex. Make her feel special and loved/secure before the act.

Last edited by bunny23; 08-22-2013 at 03:31 PM.
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Old 08-22-2013, 04:03 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Married, Sex Sucks

It's not like the movies right? Sex can be great but it will take time, work and patience. You probably didn't know that and that's why you are disappointed. Don't be.

Great sex is learned, it does not come about by just doing it. Your wife is not like any other woman because all women are different. What feels good to one is a turn off to another. You will discover you have likes and dislikes too. You have to get to know each other sexually.

The way you do it is to be patient, loving and sensitive. If she tells you it hurts then it hurts. That does not mean that it will always hurt. You both need to read and explore. She may not like something at first but don't get angry or make a big deal. Be calm and take little steps and support each other in learning new things.

Try not to make this a battle between you and your wife. Sex is for both of you not one against the other. Make sex relaxed and fun. Think of it as a pleasent project you are both working on. Can you take the lead on this? Your wife needs your help to feel comfortable and self assured. It is no reflection on you that she needs this.

Woman are not encouraged to explore their sexuality. They have to learn. She can learn to be as relaxed about sex as you. It is just that she has to learn from you.
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Old 08-22-2013, 04:29 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Married, Sex Sucks

P.O.P- has your wife ever had an orgasm? I was my wifes first, and she wasn't really keen on certain things for a long time. It took 3 years before I could get her to do anything other than missionary or wot. I have read several women say that learning to o was hard, and felt weird until they knew what was happening- that could be why your wife doesn't like you fingering her.
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Old 08-22-2013, 05:41 PM   #9 (permalink)
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There is some good news here. First, it's unlikely it will always hurt her and it's unlikely you will be stuck with WOT forever. If she is initiating sex daily she is enjoying it and it can only get better from here.

Secondly it's really great she is communicating with you about what feels good and what doesn't. There is a dead end street when a woman keeps this information to herself. Sex becomes something to be endured and the pile of words that are left unsaid becomes a mountain over time.

You might ask her, if you haven't already - I know you said you did not care for the fingering, but it is something I would really like to do - might we be able to try it a few more times? (I will add here that I have been working up the nerve to ask my husband of 18 years for more fingering - so believe me when I say it's a good thing your wife is giving you accurate information! It's very hard to change how you communicate or not. This is a good start for your wife.)

And, yeah, if she hasn't made it to the orgasm parts yet it can only help once she reaches that.
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Old 08-22-2013, 05:54 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I might be in the minority but I hate being fingered. It has always been an uncomfortable feeling. I much prefer a vibrator or PIV obviously. I also used to find sex painful until I had my first child. Everything was just way too tight. Couple pain with not feeling anything remotely pleasurable during PIV and it made for some pretty crappy sex for me. I got off in other ways and so did my partner but it was always something I felt shame about. When you do PIV the clitoris is not being stimulated and the vast majority of women need that for orgasm. I agree with the above posters who suggest getting to know eachothers bodies and get a book or two. Leave everything you learned from porn behind because it does a real disservice to most couples. A woman screaming in ecstacy from PIV is the fantasy! Of course there are wimen who orgasm this way but they aren't the majority. Sex for me now feels pretty good but I still feel zero pleasure unless my clitoris is being stimulated. I will usually O from manual or oral and then my H will O through PIV or oral.

Another thing to try which might help are vaginal dilators. I wish I had known about them before because I think I could have gotten over this issue quicker. Google it. Also Google vaginismus.

Good luck
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Old 08-22-2013, 10:22 PM   #11 (permalink)
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P.O.P- has your wife ever had an orgasm? I was my wifes first, and she wasn't really keen on certain things for a long time. It took 3 years before I could get her to do anything other than missionary or wot. I have read several women say that learning to o was hard, and felt weird until they knew what was happening- that could be why your wife doesn't like you fingering her.
The O is hard when you can't make yourself have one, without your partner. And I think a lot of women feel pressure that they are taking too long... I know men who really think that a woman can O in 2 min.

The missionary thing I actually understand. I think a lot of women have hang ups about some positions. And then some positions feel better when you are tipsy or really relaxed (hence I was saying look at the positions and how deep they feel for a woman)
BTW not to get too TMI but missionary gets such a bad rap but personally I enjoy it (although it is not the only one I like)

It's a good way to connect and it feels better then some crazy position marathon sex

But mainly women are critical of their performance - more than men realize I think.

BTW I know tons of women who have never had an O, not with partner and not alone. I can't imagine
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Old 08-23-2013, 09:40 AM   #12 (permalink)
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P.O.P- has your wife ever had an orgasm? I was my wifes first, and she wasn't really keen on certain things for a long time. It took 3 years before I could get her to do anything other than missionary or wot. I have read several women say that learning to o was hard, and felt weird until they knew what was happening- that could be why your wife doesn't like you fingering her.
It took me over 3 months before I had an orgasm. I was getting really frustrated because I was having these funny feelings but never getting there or so I thought. Then one day I realized, what if that was an orgasm. So I controlled it a little better, and nurtured it a little and walla. They were in fact orgasms that just weren't building right because I didn't know what I was doing or what they were.

It took me several more months to get it down right. Now I orgasm about 90% of the time. It takes a little practice to really get good at knowing your body, I'm still learning all this time later.

Be patient and keep working with her. I'm kinda in the same boat. I'm the newly wed sex crazed wife, and my husband is like the OP and isn't as interested.

Trust me, things will get better with time and practice. But you need to keep a good mood, and be patient until you get there.

Introduce things to her slowly. She probably just needs to learn her body, and what feels good still.

Also if it is really painful for her every time, maybe she should go to the doctor and get checked out. Sex shouldn't hurt.
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Old 08-23-2013, 10:06 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Get the book, "Sheet Music" and read it together.
Agreed!!
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Old 08-23-2013, 10:18 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by pursuit_of_perfect View Post
(1) I feel very unconfident because I feel like our boundaries of pleasure are incredibly tight. One misstep and she's going to be saying "OW!" or grimacing.

......I've gotta say that I imagined sex with my wife being very inclusive and adventurous.
Oh man, this sucks. I feel for you.

Yours is one of the few posts where I would recommend printing it out and letting her read it. Or converting it to a letter or something. This all needs to be communicated to her. She needs to know that it's falling way short of expectations and desire.
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Old 08-23-2013, 10:37 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Agreed!!
Sheet Music was a great book!
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