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Old 02-09-2010, 12:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Want to hear from Men who PREFER dominant women IN BED...

My husband IS one of these men, and I find little information about this in books, the net. Because I personally love the idea of being Dominated in bed myself, I have explored, sought answers to how to change/mold him into this Alpha Dominant male as others may have graced my posts & struggle. He may not be my total fantasy, but He IS enough & we are GOOD together. Thankfully I am naturally
aggressive & dominate in & out of the bedroom, but I can stand to learn alot more. And be more comfortable in these shoes to make it better for both of us.

I now want to concentrate on exploring how to TAP into what some of HIS Fantasies might be or other men LIKE THIS, he is not much of a talker, but is up for anything, so here I am asking. I just want to better
understand THE MIND of a male who WANTS/DESIRES this. This will also help me be more secure in going these places with him.

I have come to the conclusion this has MORE to do with fantasies & sexual preferences than any discussion about WEAK men, men who need more aggression to get by in life successfully or what you may find in such books as "No more Mr. Nice Guy" , "Hold on to your Nuts" , Alpha Male books.

I have went to amazon & read reviews of such books, some feel it is too black & white on it's theology of feeling ALL men are like these stero-types. Even though I have NOT read them, I do not feel it would help me or him to read anything that will make him feel LESS than normal, or wrong for the way he thinks, acts or desires. I have felt a sinking feeling sometimes reading such posts (sorry Big Bad Wolf) feeling I am DOOMED as a wife because I can NOT change my man into this Fiery Aggressor who will grab me, throw me down on the bed, rip my clothes off in passion & talk dirty to me all night. (I am exaggerating of coarse).

Not sure IF these books even mention Sexual Fantasies and what turns some men on ??---this is what I am seeking here with this thread. I would guess that these books DO NOT mention such men, since their emphasis is on BEING in charge, the persuer of all things. My husband IS a responsible man who is mentally stable , financially well off , a good father, has friends, close family and we have a satisfying sex life.

About him , he has always been attracted to "mean" women, I have always laughed at this-he is the complete opposite of this, sweetness incarnate, quiet, compliant, patient.

In bed He wants ME on top , He LOVES it when I initiate, He loves when I do anything -putting whatever in his face, He is just more in his glory if I take the lead. Once I was fighting with him, had his hands pinned, I was ontop , mad look on my face & he tells me "you're not going to like this but you are turning me on".

He is strange sometimes. Just trying to figure him out. He is outside the box.

If you know of any books touching on this subject , please do share (again, not about being an Alpha Male but about prefering a dominant women IN BED/fantasies). The only thing I have read in a book so far is 'Sheet music" , it compares 2 men ---
"Ted wants his wife to be the sexual aggressor. He loves it wen she pushes him over & jumps on top; it's the most thrilling thing he's ever known to watch his wife actively take part in the sexual act and actually work to find the postion where she receives the most stimulation. And when she's expressive about how good shes feeling , Ted can barely contain his excitement". THIS IS MY HUSBAND 100%

Anyone else on here -do you fit this description?

Last edited by SimplyAmorous; 02-09-2010 at 01:21 PM. Reason: bold
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Old 02-09-2010, 12:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to hear from Men who PREFER dominant women IN BED...

HI SA,

I certainly understand the "wanting to be dominated" part. I like it both ways.
I didnt get what you're trying to get to... If im right you want your turn also?
I'll wait for your answer... before I make any assumptions and blab on
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Old 02-09-2010, 01:08 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to hear from Men who PREFER dominant women IN BED...

Maybe I just relay TOO much information in my posts. Of coarse I want this also (my turn), but no, that is not what I am asking here.

I am just trying to better understand MEN who THINK like my husband, so I can better equip myself to meeting HIS desires. I have felt somewhat intimidated by being the Aggressor, since it is normally the Man who does this in most sexual situations, I have gotten hung up on this stero-type.

He knows I want him to be more Dominant , he is working on it, but in the mean time, I want to focus on full-filling HIS deep desires since This obvioulsy turns HIM ON --and isn't that the ultimate goal ? Does it really matter who starts something If it all is amazingly enjoyable & ends in estatic ecstasy?

I have spent too much time trying to change him instead of trying to better what IS working for us. I am more than happy to accomondate him & be this Sensual Seductress.

I just want to know if there are other men who WANT this MORE than being the Initiator & what you personally want from your wife?? Or women who are totally comfortable being in this role as well.

Last edited by SimplyAmorous; 02-09-2010 at 01:18 PM. Reason: bold
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Old 02-09-2010, 01:18 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to hear from Men who PREFER dominant women IN BED...

Although I'm usually the initiator, and most often the 'dominant' in bed, I LOVE it when my wife takes the lead. More than anything for me it's knowing she's interested and doing the things SHE wants to do, I'll experiment with different things from time to time but can make the mistake of getting 'to routine', and it really wakes me up when she tries something new herself or simply takes the lead.

Hope that's kind of what you're looking for, it sounds like your husband may be even more laid back than me (didn't know that existed!). Is he comfortable talking to you openly about this subject in general? If so make sure he knows how happy it makes you for him to show that aggression, and if he's anything at all like me that'll do the trick.
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Old 02-09-2010, 01:33 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to hear from Men who PREFER dominant women IN BED...

Cowboy: My husband does not back away from talking, he just doesn't say much. We talk about EVERYTHING, I share every post I put on here with him, I read him replies. We talk about stuff I read in sex books. No lack of openness here. He is fully aware of what I want /desire. He is more laid back than most men -- Definetly.

Sounds like you have the perfect balance in your sex life.
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Old 02-09-2010, 01:50 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to hear from Men who PREFER dominant women IN BED...

Nice777Guy: I just asked my husband if he has secret "fantasies" of taking control --NOPE, no such fantasies, it is always the woman coming on to him!

I do know that since I was not that into sex in the past, he felt the "rejection" feelings you mention. But those days are sooo far long gone, he knows he will never be rejected again.

He also used to feel if he said certain things in the bedroom, they might come off disrespectful , vulgar, but he says he can no longer use that excuse cause he knows I like that now. He has surprised me on a few occasions -which I loved.

I would imagine it would be easier for YOU to carry out those dominant fantasies than my husband since you accually have them.

Thank you for sharing.
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Old 02-09-2010, 02:00 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to hear from Men who PREFER dominant women IN BED...

Don't underestimate the power of rejection - no matter how long ago it was.

Don't all of us harbor some secret fantasies? I bet he's got something up there - but just asking him won't bring it out.

Somewhere around here is a thread that suggests making him give you a good old fashioned spanking could provide a spark.

And I have to admit that before reading this forum, I had no idea how many women want their men to be more aggressive in bed.

Like I said, we were raised to be "nice."
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Old 02-09-2010, 02:23 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to hear from Men who PREFER dominant women IN BED...

NG,
You can gradually push the envelope in terms of dominance. Step one is pure verbal - you start giving commands with a voice has a little edge to it. NOT angry, NOT hostile just a dominant edge.

Step 2 is just raw physical control. You grab her wrists and pin her down and say "I am going to do xyz"

Step 3 is you have taken physical control and now while holding her down demand acknowledgement on her part by saying to her "tell me you will do whatever I say"

Step 4 Depends on what SHE does
- when my wife says "I will do whatever you want" - then I tell her what to do.
- If she says "no" in a petulant voice - then I spank her - and repeat "tell me you will do whatever I say"

To avoid a threadjack - you can reverse polarity here - give this to your wife and tell her to take the aggressor role. If my wife wanted to be the aggressor - that would be ok once in a while.

I do think many guys are afraid to be alpha in bed - and if they just followed the gradual escalation above they would find out how much this makes their wives CRAZILY turned on.



Quote:
Originally Posted by nice777guy View Post
I can relate to your husband - but I'm not sure I can really explain it or claim to understand why we feel this way.

I don't like to be "dominated" exactly. But I am afraid of crossing a line - being too crude. So - anything a little kinky or out of the ordinary is almost always suggested or initiated by my wife.

So many of us have been raised to be "nice". I have a lot of fantasies - including those where I take total control - but I find it so hard to pull the trigger and make these fantasies a reality. I'm afraid of offending - afraid of rejection.

I would bet that he has these fantasies too, but since you have established a pattern in which you are dominant, it may be difficult to change.
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Old 02-09-2010, 02:30 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to hear from Men who PREFER dominant women IN BED...

I know what you mean about the power of rejection BUT I rarely rejected him in reality, he just didn't persue -he suffered in silence WAY WAY more. In 20 yrs, I might have rejected him (too tired, busy) less than I can count on 1 hand. He just says he was always in the mood but didnt' want to bother me, HE wanted ME to come on to him EVEN THEN, when he had a HIGHER DRIVE. He often scratched my back hoping for more, but if I did not give him some sign/touch I wanted more, he rolled over. He is baffling. We only had sex once a week cause he still usually waited for me to come to him, or a touch from a back scratch started things. He could handle the wait I guess.

Now it is ALOT cause he knows/has that assurance I want it.
He is much happier & satisfied now. He used to be grouchy & mean but he still never sat me down & talked to me about it.

I have had alot of converstations with Big Bad Wolf about the "Spanking", husband has tried this a few times, it was good, it was all done in FUN. Not really any real dominant role he was playing.

I really don't think my husband has such Fantases. It is not like I just asked him this, we TALK & talk & talk , I pick his brain-daily, I share all of MY fantasies, others fantasies, I mean, few are AS OPEN as we are, and never --has he ever hinted ,even when I ask time & time again, nothing remotely aggressive in his fantasy life. I know this is hard to believe, he is just different. I trust he is telling me the truth, as he knows I WISH he had those kinds of fantasies! I suppose they could be repressed or something (??) But serioulsy, he would be foolish to hold those back from me , if indeed he had them.

So lets assume that he does not have those kind, this is why I am calling these kinds of men here, are there any others who do not have MALE dominate fantasies??
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Old 02-09-2010, 02:32 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to hear from Men who PREFER dominant women IN BED...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
Maybe I just relay TOO much information in my posts. Of coarse I want this also (my turn), but no, that is not what I am asking here.

I am just trying to better understand MEN who THINK like my husband, so I can better equip myself to meeting HIS desires. I have felt somewhat intimidated by being the Aggressor, since it is normally the Man who does this in most sexual situations, I have gotten hung up on this stero-type.

He knows I want him to be more Dominant , he is working on it, but in the mean time, I want to focus on full-filling HIS deep desires since This obvioulsy turns HIM ON --and isn't that the ultimate goal ? Does it really matter who starts something If it all is amazingly enjoyable & ends in estatic ecstasy?

I have spent too much time trying to change him instead of trying to better what IS working for us. I am more than happy to accomondate him & be this Sensual Seductress.

I just want to know if there are other men who WANT this MORE than being the Initiator & what you personally want from your wife?? Or women who are totally comfortable being in this role as well.
I think I fit to what your hubby enjoys. I can say that most of what I like when she is dominant and aggressive is taking what she wants when she wants it. This goes beyond her being on top. I love when she tells me that she needs a good pounding and will tell me to go harder, faster or deeper. It's very mental for me when she acts in this manner. Outside the bedroom and even sometimes in the bedroom I am very alpha. It can be so much fun to be on the other end.
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Old 02-09-2010, 03:09 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to hear from Men who PREFER dominant women IN BED...

I FEAR this thread is going to turn into trying to change my husband again, I do not want this. Entertaining this idea only led to frustration- for me, then pressuring him. Please hear me, it was not healthy for me to compare him with all these ALPHA males running around.

I read to him what Mem11361 suggests . He laughed, told me to print it out and he will try it. My guess is - he will not be able to get through that with a straight face. It is SO not him. I can not even imagine him acting in that way. But yeah, it would be FUN in bed.

I know he loves me dearly, He LOVES sex, all is good. My take on this is : I believe God creates men & women with different temperments, different personalities and some just dont fit the normal stero-typical mold. And this is still OK. He is timid, I am aggressive. For us, the differences help us make up for the others lack.

If there R any men who feel GOOD about themselves , not looking to change who they are or their fantasies to appease societys norms, and still prefer a Woman coming on to them, this is who I want to hear from.
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Old 02-09-2010, 03:21 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to hear from Men who PREFER dominant women IN BED...

I'm just a tad confused now.

When I read MEM's script before, I took it and changed it a bit in my head to something I would be more comfortable with. Basically "safe" words - like "yellow" for "wait a minute" and "red" for NO.

IF your husband is like me, then he wants to do things, but is afraid of crossing a line somewhere.

But if you truly think he doesn't have these inclinations, I'm not sure what you are looking for? What if there is nothing to TAP into?

I think it sounds like you actually understand him just fine. And you say you don't want to change him. Are you just wanting confirmation that he's "normal" or "OK"?

He sounds comfortable with who he is - so I'd say he's perfectly normal. And I get the impression that he's happy with your sex life the way it is. In which case - he's doing a lot better than most of the people who visit this site!
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Old 02-09-2010, 05:39 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to hear from Men who PREFER dominant women IN BED...

The Mistress Manual by Mistress Lorelei discusses male fantasies regarding dominant women, not all of them of the chain & whips variety.

Most people have multiple things that they like; it may be that if he gets this itch scratched really well, his attention will shift to other things he likes too. You might think about other things he'd like, and tell him that you'd like to incorporate those things into a "grab you and throw you on the bed" type scene.

What else does he like? Maybe the various perverts on this board can help you think of scnenarios. ;-)
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Old 02-10-2010, 06:05 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to hear from Men who PREFER dominant women IN BED...

Thank you Artieb! I looked that up on Amazon & see a bunch of similar books dealing with the kind of subject I need to explore more.

Nice777Guy: I understand what you mean about crossing lines, but there is NO lines to cross WITH ME - he knows this. This is not his fear. I believe he is totally comfortable being WHAT HE IS, and he is totally HAPPY with our sex life in every way. I am more the one who wants to explore MORE & see if I can possibly tap into more WITH HIM , as Artieb said
" if he gets his Itch stratched really well, his attention might shift to other things he likes too". Some might call him "Vanilla" but he is more Adventerous than that in his favorite things to do with me.

Yes, I guess you could say I AM trying to find others on here -like him, cause he is not the norm, I understand this. And I just thought it would be INTERESTING to hear from other men. (or other Aggressive women who love them). Since my husband is not much of a Talker, he can not really explain why this kind of stuff turns him on MORE than him being the aggressive force.
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Old 02-10-2010, 08:00 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to hear from Men who PREFER dominant women IN BED...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post

Yes, I guess you could say I AM trying to find others on here -like him, cause he is not the norm, I understand this. And I just thought it would be INTERESTING to hear from other men. (or other Aggressive women who love them). Since my husband is not much of a Talker, he can not really explain why this kind of stuff turns him on MORE than him being the aggressive force.
It may be something as simple as the fact that during the day, he's the one in charge and making all the decisions. When he's with you in the bedroom, he wants to give up that role. I've tried to explain this to my spouse a few times. I'm accustomed to being in charge all the time, especially in my work setting, but love it when she takes charge in the bedroom.
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