Husband wants sex every day.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Husband wants sex every day.

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-15-2010, 09:12 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband wants sex every day.

We met at uni , graduated, got our dream jobs, got married and had kids, what a lovely life right? Except its not, he was never like this when we were dating, he wouldn't ask for it all the time, and sometimes I would be the one initiating sex.

Constantly, Every single night he would be asking, he even sets his alarm clock 30-40 minutes early before getting up for work, so he can squeeze in a 'quickie' and when I do reject him he is in a pissy mood with me in the mornings. Even if I say I am tiered he just cant seem to understand that I don't physically want to be making love right now. His is the one at work while I am stuck at home with the kids all day. I feel like he is inconsiderate towards how I am feeling, but having spoken to many other 'friends' they say I am the selfish one, and not a 'good wife.

But put yourselves in my shoes, would you be willing to give in every time your husband wanted his needs met?even when you have had such a stressful day with children? Housework ? And just plain bloody tiered?

I also feel like having the kids has changed my life more than his, I am the one who had to leave my job, and be at home. Whereas his life is still pretty much the same, except his a father now. I am not to fussed about this, as I know I can get myself back up the career ladder when the kids are a bit older. But the fact that he can't see me being a bit upset at home alone at times, and than coming home from work and demanding sex, isn't he the selfish one?

In all other aspects his a great husband, and father but I resent him now and feel like my marriage is becoming something I never ever thought would happen to me.

I am not saying I completely withhold sex from him, just sometimes I don't want it, having kids has changed my sex drive I realise that but he doesn't! He is a great lover, and great in bed, its not like I don't like having sex with him, but every time we cuddle or kiss he automatically thinks this should lead to sex! He cant hold me without wanting sex.

So who's unreasonable, me or him? Am I a bad wife?

Seriously, I am not expecting you guys to solve my problem just give me your opinions.

Thanks
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Old 02-15-2010, 09:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex every day.

I can relate on a smaller scale, my H doesn't ask for it EVERY night, but sometimes when he does I am just already so exhausted from working all day and coming home to chores and taking care of our son. He does get frustrated and that is sometimes what sparks an arguement between us. He evantually comes around and tries to understand that sometimes I just DON'T have the energy.

How often are you witholding? Not to pry or anything, just wondering if it's like 2 nights a week that you 'submit' or 4 and he is still freaking out. If you accept his advances more than not, there is no need for him to be so demanding. He just needs to try and be more understanding and accepting of your needs/feelings.
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Old 02-15-2010, 10:26 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex every day.

We had this EXACT situation. My drive was off the charts high until I hit early 40's.

A few things that can improve this a good amount:
- Exercise - if you either buy a treadmill or get a baby jogger and put the kids in and run for 30-45 minutes that will reduce fatigue, and increase the hormones that effect your sex drive.
- Teach him how to gently get you going when you start out not so turned on. For me - this meant being willing to give wife a nice long full body massage - by the end of it she felt relaxed and mildly turned on and was willing.
- Agree to some number of nights a week where you just are not going to have sex. Maybe this is 1 night a week, and maybe it is 3 nights a week - but it needs to be something you can both live with. And then either have a fixed schedule or you get to choose what nights you are tired.

I will tell you one thing - my wife WAS frustrated by this while it was happening BUT she is glad she made the effort as we have a great marriage and neither has ever cheated. If she had tried to ration me to an unaccpetably low amount of sex our marriage would not have succeeded. It might not have been a divorce but there would have been enough tension to do permanent harm. Now in year 21 - my drive is much closer to hers. We no longer have any strife over this.


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Originally Posted by helpless_wife View Post
We met at uni , graduated, got our dream jobs, got married and had kids, what a lovely life right? Except its not, he was never like this when we were dating, he wouldn't ask for it all the time, and sometimes I would be the one initiating sex.

Constantly, Every single night he would be asking, he even sets his alarm clock 30-40 minutes early before getting up for work, so he can squeeze in a 'quickie' and when I do reject him he is in a pissy mood with me in the mornings. Even if I say I am tiered he just cant seem to understand that I don't physically want to be making love right now. His is the one at work while I am stuck at home with the kids all day. I feel like he is inconsiderate towards how I am feeling, but having spoken to many other 'friends' they say I am the selfish one, and not a 'good wife.

But put yourselves in my shoes, would you be willing to give in every time your husband wanted his needs met?even when you have had such a stressful day with children? Housework ? And just plain bloody tiered?

I also feel like having the kids has changed my life more than his, I am the one who had to leave my job, and be at home. Whereas his life is still pretty much the same, except his a father now. I am not to fussed about this, as I know I can get myself back up the career ladder when the kids are a bit older. But the fact that he can't see me being a bit upset at home alone at times, and than coming home from work and demanding sex, isn't he the selfish one?

In all other aspects his a great husband, and father but I resent him now and feel like my marriage is becoming something I never ever thought would happen to me.

I am not saying I completely withhold sex from him, just sometimes I don't want it, having kids has changed my sex drive I realise that but he doesn't! He is a great lover, and great in bed, its not like I don't like having sex with him, but every time we cuddle or kiss he automatically thinks this should lead to sex! He cant hold me without wanting sex.

So who's unreasonable, me or him? Am I a bad wife?

Seriously, I am not expecting you guys to solve my problem just give me your opinions.

Thanks
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Old 02-15-2010, 10:37 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex every day.

Seems to me that this is less about sex and more about communication. I'd get away from all distractions (get a babysitter, leave the house, etc.) and have a heart-to-heart talk about what needs to happen so that EVERYONE gets their needs met.

In my experience men sometimes push for more sex when they are either feeling or afraid of a decline in intimacy. It's silly to speculate based on a message board post but I wonder if some warm & loving communication that is entirely created from the question, "how do we really make this work for both of us" might help.

Note that this is a very different place to come from than "give me sex now," or "stop pestering me for sex all the time." To make this shift work requires a real authenticity and all the risk that entails.
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Old 02-15-2010, 10:44 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex every day.

I have a very high sex drive..probably alot higher than normal..and I would say my wife has about an average sex drive....she never rejects me but it's kinda the same I guess..she wont really wanna have sex every night..sometimes only 2 times a week..but she wont say it, we'll just have sex and I do all the work...so I guess you can kinda do that..let him have sex with you, all you gotta do is submit, just lay there and let him do his thing...make some sexy noises for him, he will feel loved...I mean how tired is too tired to just lay there? If it's blowjobs he wants every day or you on top all the time then it's a little different..but if he's always on top how hard is that for you? I find sex comfortable, never am I too tired..I dont understand how so many women are "too tired" to have sex..it's a relaxing, comfortable thing to do..and you do it whenever you or your husband wants it, maybe ride him really good everynight....it's good exercise like that for you....

that's my opinion from my perspective..
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Old 02-15-2010, 11:43 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex every day.

I get that you may not be in the mood. I understand that sex may be the last thing on your mind after a day with kids. You want your time, time to relax, time to be alone without having someone constantly needing you attention. And you deserve that. Does your husband understand this? If not then he needs to understand it. Make sure that he understands this. Does he ever keep the kids all day long alone, if not, make that start happening.

As for you, you need to understand from his point of view. Making love to you is his way of displaying his affection to you. When you reject his sexual advances, he sees it as you rejecting his love for you.

Now I know you mentioned you gave up a career and that you are the one at home. You seem to be somewhat resentful of this. Remember that he is the one leaving his family everyday to be the sole provider. This can be stressful at times for you husband. I think you need to look at the gift, and I do mean gift, that allows you to be a stay at home mother. There are many, many people out there that do not have the luxury. I know that this is hard work and incredibly demanding. He is probably coming home thinking that making love to you would be a nice stress release for both of you, show you that he loves you and that you appreciate what he is providing for you.

If he is getting up early for the quickie, does he still expect sex at night? If so, that seems a bit much. If not, then this seems like a good solution. You have rested through the night, assuming the kids are sleeping through the night. Seems like a perfect way to start the day off. You should not be worn out from the day.

Also does he need all out sex. What just getting him off, sometimes for me that is all I want/need.
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Old 02-15-2010, 11:50 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex every day.

Giving in every time he wants it just leads to resentment. You start to think of yourself as a 'life size sex toy' for your husband. Its all about his needs and nothing about yours. The more he pushes the more you resist. Been there and done that.

I agree with MEM - pick a certain number of days with no sex. If his number is 1 and yours is 4 - meet in the middle and compromise with 2 or 3. It can't be all one person's way or one person just gets mad.
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Old 02-15-2010, 01:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex every day.

Do you think he knows that when he pitches in with chores/dishes/housework/childcare...gives you some freedom on the weekends, or just simply tells you to go take a bath while he puts the kids to bed...will put you in such a sexy mood. Men helping around the house, supporting their wife in her life...is so provocative. It means they truly love and respect us.

Try some positive reinforcement...when he does step in to help. Reward him sexually...over time, he will start putting 2 and 2 together. Taking SHORT breaks (1-2 days at a time) from sex is not a bad thing...but don't expect him to be happy about it, and be VERY mindful of when and how you say no. Men are VERY sexually wired and it is the main way they connect intimately with their lover.

However, he needs to be taking some stress off your shoulders too. This may be a weird question, but do you guys break for your monthly...I know it sounds gross, but that would definitely give you a good 5 days a month for a mental/physical break...and it is a good health excuse. Just a thought...sorry if it grosses anyone out.
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Old 02-15-2010, 02:46 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex every day.

larnie: I totally agree with your viewpoint! It is so sexy to me when my H cleans house or just makes an effort to help me out getting our son ready. and I have shown him this, I'm not sure if it has registered in his brain though? I will definitely bring this up to him

Also, about the 'monthly' remark, that seems to be the time I want him most, weird?
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Old 02-15-2010, 06:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex every day.

Mismatched Libotos SUCK, the problem here is this: You will Resent him if you feel you have to give in every night-when you do not want this. And he WILL resent you for not meeting his needs. Some may say these are just "wants" but for some of us with higher sex drives, it FEELS more like NEEDS. Make no mistake about this.

You will both have to come to some happy compromise as to NOT have either of you feel resentment towards the other. Great book you can buy from Amazon.com called "When your sex drives don't match".

Amazon.com: When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life (9781569242711): Sandra Pertot: Books

I got this book about a year ago, I loved it ! It explains 10 different Libito types, I found mine to be Erotic & Dependent (I also wanted it every night), His was Sensual and Reactive. Lucky for me my husband IS a "Reactive" Libito type, he is always ready & willing to please, even if he is not always in the mood. Some types fit better with other types, this is true, but it is helpful to explore what type you and he are and be willing to work on some compromise in this area.
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Old 02-16-2010, 03:52 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex every day.

Thanks for all your replies,

well he does actually do his 'bit' when it comes to looking after the kids. He mainly spends time playing with them after work for a bit and than helping me feed, during dinner. Sometimes I put them to bed , other times it's him. But when he is putting them to bed by that time I am well and truly tiered. He doesn't actually ask me to wait up or anything, he'll just come into bed and off goes his hand 'wondering'.

I kind of feel bad now that I have read other people's opinions.


Also our sex life is pretty unpredictable, as some weeks I will have sex with him whenever his in the mood, other weeks 2-3 times. I know he makes an effort to get up early in the mornings for sex and for that I mostly comply just not all the time. (although if his had sex with me before work his in a real happy mood) And yes when he has had sex in the morning he wants It during night as well.

Also I think I am quite conscience of the children hearing us, were as his not even the slightest bit bothered that they might wake up ( the oldest one) and catch us in the ’act’. Any one else like this after having kids?

Last edited by helpless_wife; 02-16-2010 at 04:54 PM.
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Old 02-16-2010, 04:09 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex every day.

Two things occur to me.

1. Get a lock for your bedroom door and put on the TV or the radio to mask the sounds in your bedroom. Do not let your kids routinely think they can come into your bedroom.

2. Some people see sex as a stress release, not as stress. Your husband is that way, you are not.
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Old 02-16-2010, 04:29 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex every day.

Well I think expecting sex twice a day may be a bit much. I mean I am a horny fella, but would not expect that.

As far as the kids, tell him to go lock the door before hand. Of course I think it is hard to be a parent and not think about the kids at times.
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Old 02-16-2010, 04:32 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex every day.

I hate wandering hands when I am trying to sleep or just relax.. He does is almost all the time and gets offended when i just want to nap or watch tv. something I have to work on. I used to WANT him to do these things to me and even guide his hand sometimes..
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Old 02-16-2010, 07:19 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex every day.

I am going to make a suggestion - just wish WE had done it this way.

When you say "no" don't say "no" - tell him I can't - I promise to rock your world "fill in the blanks here - tonight/tomorrow" but then when tonight/tomorrow comes show some enthusiasm - this guy LOVES you and feels your LOVE for him when you connect this way. So "I will xxxx" is way better than - "I can't"


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Originally Posted by helpless_wife View Post
Thanks for all your replies,

well he does actually do his 'bit' when it comes to looking after the kids. He mainly spends time playing with them after work for a bit and than helping me feed, during dinner. Sometimes I put them to bed , other times it's him. But when he is putting them to bed by that time I am well and truly tiered. He doesn't actually ask me to wait up or anything, he'll just come into bed and off goes his hand 'wondering'.

I kind of feel bad now that I have read other people's opinions.


Also our sex life is pretty unpredictable, as some weeks I will have sex with him whenever his in the mood, other weeks 2-3 times. I know he makes an effort to get up early in the mornings for sex and for that I mostly comply just not all the time. (although if his had sex with me before work his in a real happy mood) And yes when he has had sex in the morning he wants It during night as well.

Also I think I am quite conscience of the children hearing us, were as his not even the slightest bit bothered that they might wake up ( the oldest one) and catch us in the ’act’. Any one else like this after having kids?
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