Wife doesn't like sex?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-17-2010, 09:22 PM   #1 (permalink)
Yut
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Default Wife doesn't like sex?

I have been married for just about four years now. While we were dating I noticed that my wife kind of shied away from sex, but I didn't think anything of it. After we got married, it got worse and worse. Now I am lucky if we have sex once a week. This wouldn't be a big deal except that I have a very very high sex drive. I have tried to ignore it, but I just can't help it. For some reason she just doesn't like sex. I have talked to her about it before, but she doesn't seem to care. ***TMI Allert*** Apparently her mom doesn't like sex either, never has according to my wife.

When I bring it up she gets all defensive and pissed off. I don't think I do it harshly or that I am abrasive about it, but no matter how the subject gets brought up, I feel like I turn out to be the bad guy. She travels constantly for work so we don't get to see each other much as it is. This month for example she is spending at least one night a week in a hotel room. I also work midnights, so when she is going to bed I am at work, when I am going to bed she is going to work. I would like to at least be a little sexual during the little time we actually are together. I don't know if it's me not being able to turn her on or what, but the longer we go on like this, the worse I feel about it. Every time I try to initiate sex she either is tired, doesn't feel good, didn't shower that day and feels nasty, has to get up early or something else.

She does initiate sex every now and then (whenever we do have sex), but most of the time I can tell that it's just for me. It feels like she is just doing it to hurry up and get it over with so she can go to sleep and I will shut up. That is not even close to enjoyable for me as you can imagine. I don't know what to do next, but I can't continue to go on like this. I suggested that she talk to someone about this (therapist, doctor, councilor) but that just turned into another fight. Any thoughts????????
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Old 02-18-2010, 12:04 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesn't like sex?

You CANNOT change this and she doesn't think she should have to try. This is just how she is. I couldn't live with someone like that - but maybe you can. There are women who like sex - and still have good values/can be trusted. I know - I married one.

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I have been married for just about four years now. While we were dating I noticed that my wife kind of shied away from sex, but I didn't think anything of it. After we got married, it got worse and worse. Now I am lucky if we have sex once a week. This wouldn't be a big deal except that I have a very very high sex drive. I have tried to ignore it, but I just can't help it. For some reason she just doesn't like sex. I have talked to her about it before, but she doesn't seem to care. ***TMI Allert*** Apparently her mom doesn't like sex either, never has according to my wife.

When I bring it up she gets all defensive and pissed off. I don't think I do it harshly or that I am abrasive about it, but no matter how the subject gets brought up, I feel like I turn out to be the bad guy. She travels constantly for work so we don't get to see each other much as it is. This month for example she is spending at least one night a week in a hotel room. I also work midnights, so when she is going to bed I am at work, when I am going to bed she is going to work. I would like to at least be a little sexual during the little time we actually are together. I don't know if it's me not being able to turn her on or what, but the longer we go on like this, the worse I feel about it. Every time I try to initiate sex she either is tired, doesn't feel good, didn't shower that day and feels nasty, has to get up early or something else.

She does initiate sex every now and then (whenever we do have sex), but most of the time I can tell that it's just for me. It feels like she is just doing it to hurry up and get it over with so she can go to sleep and I will shut up. That is not even close to enjoyable for me as you can imagine. I don't know what to do next, but I can't continue to go on like this. I suggested that she talk to someone about this (therapist, doctor, councilor) but that just turned into another fight. Any thoughts????????
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Old 02-18-2010, 10:39 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesn't like sex?

wow so everytime u try and talk to her there are fights? I am sorry to hear this, its hard to tell someone how you feel when all they do is argue about it
Have you tried the "when I have sex with you it makes me bond more with you" approach?
My husband was getting discouraged because he always had to initiate sex, I would NEVER turn him down though but he had "the talk" with me and made me feel that he was no longer feeling desired
it wasnt a disrepectful "I need to get in your pants more often" approach but more of a loving, romantic, conversation that he really missed having more sex with me, and that it makes our bond grow stronger, and he did not feel disired by me anymore and it was hurting him. Well his loving approach really helped, he also stated in the beginning that he needed to speak to me but he did not want me to judge him or get upset and to please listen with an open mind because according to him this was a major issue in the marriage. I listened with an open mind and totally understood where he was coming from
I would say to definitley try and speak to your wife again but make sure she is aware that you do not want to argue or fight but would love for her to hear you out and respect your feelings and try and "work with you" on getting a closer bond through sex. That you love her so much and would love nothing more than to be able to make love to your wife more often and please her in order to continue the strong love bond you 2 have!
I really hope everything works out, I really hope she hears you out
So many women out there block their husbands feelings and emotions and thats not right.
I felt so bad when I realized how undesired my husband felt. Now I make sure to make him feel special by initiating sex at least 2 times a week and then he generally initiates 1 or 2 more times during the week
Sex is so important in a loving relationship and should not be neglected
Good luck!
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Old 02-18-2010, 03:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesn't like sex?

Yut you poor unfortunate soul! It would have been nice to have known this minor detail before you got married!!!!
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Old 02-18-2010, 04:31 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesn't like sex?

I feel for you man. you've tired talking to her and like others have said, she just won't change. I'd say your going to have to live with it, or move on. Unless your wife is ok with a live at home girlfriend that you can have sex with, but good luck with that!
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Old 02-18-2010, 05:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesn't like sex?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Millania007 View Post
wow so everytime u try and talk to her there are fights? I am sorry to hear this, its hard to tell someone how you feel when all they do is argue about it
Have you tried the "when I have sex with you it makes me bond more with you" approach?
My husband was getting discouraged because he always had to initiate sex, I would NEVER turn him down though but he had "the talk" with me and made me feel that he was no longer feeling desired
it wasnt a disrepectful "I need to get in your pants more often" approach but more of a loving, romantic, conversation that he really missed having more sex with me, and that it makes our bond grow stronger, and he did not feel disired by me anymore and it was hurting him. Well his loving approach really helped, he also stated in the beginning that he needed to speak to me but he did not want me to judge him or get upset and to please listen with an open mind because according to him this was a major issue in the marriage. I listened with an open mind and totally understood where he was coming from
I would say to definitley try and speak to your wife again but make sure she is aware that you do not want to argue or fight but would love for her to hear you out and respect your feelings and try and "work with you" on getting a closer bond through sex. That you love her so much and would love nothing more than to be able to make love to your wife more often and please her in order to continue the strong love bond you 2 have!
I really hope everything works out, I really hope she hears you out
So many women out there block their husbands feelings and emotions and thats not right.
I felt so bad when I realized how undesired my husband felt. Now I make sure to make him feel special by initiating sex at least 2 times a week and then he generally initiates 1 or 2 more times during the week
Sex is so important in a loving relationship and should not be neglected
Good luck!


Wow, that's pretty awesome that you listen to him with an open mind...I have tried this a number of times with my wife, in a very nice gentle romantic way...but it just does not work..my wife just feels sad, useless after and doesn't really say anything and I just get frustrated.....or sometimes she will responds "that's all you ever think about..sex" or "I do initiate" she seems very stubborn to the fact.
anyways..this is Yuts topic not mine....sorry man...that sucks, the one person in your life you wanna be intimate with doesn't return intimacy, I guess all you can do is the same that I've been trying, be real nice to her...dont seem desperate all the time, dont have too many heart to heart talks with her...try keepin the mood light and fun....but overall I think you should try to make it so you work the same shift, many marriages suffer big time because of different work shifts....
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Old 02-18-2010, 09:53 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesn't like sex?

What does she get out of it?
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Old 02-28-2010, 11:33 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesn't like sex?

Tough call. I've been married almost 20 years, and high desire (me) and low desire(wife) has been a big problem for us. If we didn't have kids, I'm pretty sure this marriage would not be intact. It's not fair to either person.

Higher Desire person has needs that aren't being met, lower desire person recognizes their shortcomings in the eyes of their partner. You can't really change either one, that's just who they are. Neither choose to feel this way, it's just a huge incompatibility.

Don't have kids until you figure this out.
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Old 03-01-2010, 09:39 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesn't like sex?

One thought I'd like to add here is the fact that, if you are the higher drive spouse, I think it helps a LOT if you realize that sex is not something "over & above" what your spouse should be providing. It's BOTH spouses responsibility to provide a certain amount (in mutually agreed upon quantity & quality)...and perhaps it needs to be presented as such. Marriage is a partnership (very similar in many ways to a business partnership) and for almost every couple, sex is a very important part of this partnership, TO AT LEAST ONE OF THE PARTNERS.

For many years, I was very frustrated & tried having these "loving" conversations with my wife about how I needed more. Those conversations never EVER went well. Looking back, I really think it was because my wife felt as though sex was a "favor" she did for me only when she felt up to it....and the crapola of doing nice things for her just "in hope" that it would lead to more sex always ended up being just that....CRAPOLA! It wasn't until it finally occurred to me (after 20+ years of marriage) that it was my right to receive a certain amount of sexual activity every week & presented it to her in that light that things began to truly change.

I think the two keys to this are 1.) you really DO have to begin to see it as your spouse's responsibility to meet your needs in this area...find a mutually agreed upon amount & quality & hold one another accountable for doing what's necessary to get there EVERY WEEK and 2.) you have to hold yourself to a very high standard of giving at least as much as you get in HER area(s) of need.

I wish you luck as your story sounds very much like my own for many years.
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Old 03-01-2010, 04:30 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesn't like sex?

Been there. Done that. Have the t-shirt.

As someone noted, a lot of women (many? some? most? a few?) see sex as a "commodity" to be bargained with in marriage for time, money, energy, effort, whatever.

Other women see it as an expression of love, affection, and a release of tension and bonding.

Your wife doesn't sound very sexual and if she is not getting the "commodity exchange" then she probably never will be sexual. I don't know. . .stranger things have happened. . .like one poster noted, she went off birth control and her sex drive skyrocketed. I'd hate for you both to be missing something chemically fixable like that. . .but barring something like that. . .you have to decide if it's something you can live without or not.

Having an affair may actually get her butt moving too, I'd hate to say but of course, you do risk the very severe reality of divorce when you do that.

But that may be a reality anyway if she's not going to be sexual with you.
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Old 03-19-2010, 03:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Hi there. Here's a blog from AccessRx about sexual buzz kills for women.
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Old 03-19-2010, 07:22 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesn't like sex?

I had similar problem as well and took the same approach as "Marriedguy" did and this is when it really changed when I was straight up about what I would to see in our sex life, very specific, (I could do it everynight, but I will live with every other night, give or take, a complete BJ like you used to and once a week at least would be nice) and so far, it has been good.

Now, In your case it seems she never was really into sex and this is a tough one, she may never change or want to. You could try and at least strike up some compromise and if sex gets better over time, she may be more open to it again. If it is getting bad, likely will just get worse, you have to get a hold of it and try something if it is important to you. I know for me, it started a whole downward spiral when she would turn down sex all the time, then I would be pissed, my actions would show it, and around and around you go until you no longer wan to be with that person.

Good luck.
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Old 03-19-2010, 08:45 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aw9d View Post
I feel for you man. you've tired talking to her and like others have said, she just won't change. I'd say your going to have to live with it, or move on. Unless your wife is ok with a live at home girlfriend that you can have sex with, but good luck with that!


I like this response... so wrong, but it would make us high drive spouses happy and not expecting anything from our spouses who dont want to do anything
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Old 03-19-2010, 08:54 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesn't like sex?

Now for a real response. She has always been like this, her mother is like this, she will always be like this. As adults we choose what we incorporate into our attitudes and beliefs from parents and other signifcants early on... she has chosen to incorporate her mothers disinterest in sex. Only 2 ways this can work:

1) she chooses to have different attitude about sex

2) you choose to have a different attitude about sex

I would have said 3 choices with 3) you both reach a compromise.... but that is a combination of the first 2 bc it would require you both change your views to adapt to something different. That would be the goal, but very difficult to do as both of you are bound to slip, then resentments will set in and get deeper.

Otherwise, dont have children and leave and find someone who either matches your sex drive or loves you enough to accomodate your need. Best of luck!
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Old 03-19-2010, 09:44 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I have been married for just about four years now. While we were dating I noticed that my wife kind of shied away from sex, but I didn't think anything of it. After we got married, it got worse and worse. Now I am lucky if we have sex once a week. This wouldn't be a big deal except that I have a very very high sex drive. I have tried to ignore it, but I just can't help it. For some reason she just doesn't like sex. I have talked to her about it before, but she doesn't seem to care. ***TMI Allert*** Apparently her mom doesn't like sex either, never has according to my wife.

When I bring it up she gets all defensive and pissed off. I don't think I do it harshly or that I am abrasive about it, but no matter how the subject gets brought up, I feel like I turn out to be the bad guy. She travels constantly for work so we don't get to see each other much as it is. This month for example she is spending at least one night a week in a hotel room. I also work midnights, so when she is going to bed I am at work, when I am going to bed she is going to work. I would like to at least be a little sexual during the little time we actually are together. I don't know if it's me not being able to turn her on or what, but the longer we go on like this, the worse I feel about it. Every time I try to initiate sex she either is tired, doesn't feel good, didn't shower that day and feels nasty, has to get up early or something else.

She does initiate sex every now and then (whenever we do have sex), but most of the time I can tell that it's just for me. It feels like she is just doing it to hurry up and get it over with so she can go to sleep and I will shut up. That is not even close to enjoyable for me as you can imagine. I don't know what to do next, but I can't continue to go on like this. I suggested that she talk to someone about this (therapist, doctor, councilor) but that just turned into another fight. Any thoughts????????
Whoa. Thats is EXACTLY like me and the wife. EXACTLY.

We've been together 20 years and married for 14 of them.

Once a month now if I'm lucky and she just puts up with it. I do get a 'service' about once a week but she just does this for me.

I guess I should have known what I was getting into here. :-)
Saying that though, i love her loads in other ways...
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