Sex feels like a chore
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-20-2010, 07:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Sex feels like a chore

I feel like I'm in such a delimma. I love my husband very much. We've been married 5 years now. I really enjoy having sex with him most of the time.

There are times, though, when I just don't feel like it. He always takes it personally. I don't know if it's a hormonal problem, or a result of me being tired, or what, but it definitely has nothing to do with him. I've told him this so many times, but he still gets offended.

Anyway....There are some times when sex really feels like a chore....something else I have to do before I can go to sleep at night.

the times that it's particularly bothersome is when he starts talking to me (usually by sending texts) about what he wants to do in the bedroom at night when we get home. He texts over and over until it just drives me insane. Then I spend the rest of the day dreading the night. Sometimes I try to keep the kids awake so that I'll have an excuse. I don't know why it annoys me so for him to do this, but when he does, it makes me not want to even talk to him at all.

He texted me earlier saying that every time he started flirting with me, I would quit talking back. I have no idea why he thinks this is flirting. It actualy borders on objectification. I don't mind dirty talk, but when it's all day long and the only thing he says to me.....

it just gets OLD

I don't know how to handle this. He's SUPER sensitive and I really don't want to talk to him about it, but I just don't know what to do...

Why do I feel this way? How can I make it better?

Please please help.....
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Old 02-20-2010, 07:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex feels like a chore

I am 20 years in - and the man - and we are happily married and still have a great physical relationship.

BECAUSE she has always been painfully straight with me.

So if I do anything that is a turn off she says in a nice way "baby I know your goal is to get me in the mood - let me tell you what gets you in the mood and then she mentions things that do (this is the sugar coating part) and then she says - "I know you are doing XXX with the best intentions - but don't - it is not a turn on it just isn't. In fact the opposite ok"

And so over the years she has done a super job of teaching me.

So our 3 keys to success are:
- Totally honest communication about turn ons/turn offs
- How to get her in the mood when she is not in the mood. So she will let me do a nice slow full body massage - after 20-30 minutes she is at least relaxed and usually at least a bit turned on. The butt/inner thigh massage is kind of sensuous and helps...
- She never said "NO" - she did sometimes say "I will rock your world tomorrow" - this is a delay not a rejection. And when she said that I would be totally cool about it.

But there were times when she was disorganized and put lots of stuff off until night time and then would come to bed late and tired and THAT made me angry.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kpa_78 View Post
I feel like I'm in such a delimma. I love my husband very much. We've been married 5 years now. I really enjoy having sex with him most of the time.

There are times, though, when I just don't feel like it. He always takes it personally. I don't know if it's a hormonal problem, or a result of me being tired, or what, but it definitely has nothing to do with him. I've told him this so many times, but he still gets offended.

Anyway....There are some times when sex really feels like a chore....something else I have to do before I can go to sleep at night.

the times that it's particularly bothersome is when he starts talking to me (usually by sending texts) about what he wants to do in the bedroom at night when we get home. He texts over and over until it just drives me insane. Then I spend the rest of the day dreading the night. Sometimes I try to keep the kids awake so that I'll have an excuse. I don't know why it annoys me so for him to do this, but when he does, it makes me not want to even talk to him at all.

He texted me earlier saying that every time he started flirting with me, I would quit talking back. I have no idea why he thinks this is flirting. It actualy borders on objectification. I don't mind dirty talk, but when it's all day long and the only thing he says to me.....

it just gets OLD

I don't know how to handle this. He's SUPER sensitive and I really don't want to talk to him about it, but I just don't know what to do...

Why do I feel this way? How can I make it better?

Please please help.....
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Old 02-20-2010, 09:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex feels like a chore

He has a lot of issues with feeling inadequate....I've been dealing with that for a long time. I'm the primary wage earner in the relationship. That's a big issue for him, even though we never have arguements about money. Any time I try to tell him something, he always makes comments about not being good enough for me and worrying about me leaving him.

I read your post and responded to his text by trying to tell him that I preferred other methods of "flirting", and he makes an off the wall comment about needing to find a new job so that I'd be more attracted to him. I've told him over and over that it absolutely does not matter to me and it truly doesn't....

I've also tried to tell him that I'll make it up to him the next night if I'm not in the mood, but then he spends every waking moment of the following day reminding me about it that it completely puts me off and I'm even further from "the mood".

We actually have a pretty active sex life. there are times when I just don't feel like it, but when I have sex with him anyway, he just gets mad at me.

I really think that I spend so much time taking care of him -- I pay all the bills, balance the check book, take his truck for maintenance, clean the house, cook the meals, make sure that the kids are where they need to be, make sure he's awake for work in the morning (I HATE being his alarm clock), wash his clothes etc etc etc.... that when he starts in about what we're going to do at night, it's just one more thing I have to do to take care of him. If he ever asks me to do something for him, he reminds me a million times a day until I'm ready to pull my hair out, so it's kind of like that....reminding me over and over again about the fact that he wants sex ....

I don't know.....He's not a bad guy... just spoiled and it's partly my fault and I realize that. I'm just venting.

I've actually tried to talk to him about doing more and then he throws on a major guilt trip....telling me he's sorry he's not a good husband that he really tries ... etc

Then the whole "you're gonna leave me" thing starts up again

ugh... never ending circle
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Old 02-20-2010, 09:44 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex feels like a chore

This is a certain path to sexual aversion including him reminding you again and again the next day that you promised to take care of him.

Look we ALL feel insecure at times but part of being an adult and a mature adult is managing your emotions, insecurities so that you don't just dump an unfair stress load on your partner.

You have every right to tell him - I will connect with you tomorrow provided you don't bring it up between now and tomorrow night. If you don't have enough self confidence to do that YOU need to see a therapist but you need to stop asking for constant reassurance from me - it is not fair to me - because I am not going to be told i have to prove my love for you every single day.

ALL is behavior including the texts come from a deep rooted insecurity. Sad but only one way to get over that is to stop acting like a frightened child...

Quote:
Originally Posted by kpa_78 View Post
He has a lot of issues with feeling inadequate....I've been dealing with that for a long time. I'm the primary wage earner in the relationship. That's a big issue for him, even though we never have arguements about money. Any time I try to tell him something, he always makes comments about not being good enough for me and worrying about me leaving him.

I read your post and responded to his text by trying to tell him that I preferred other methods of "flirting", and he makes an off the wall comment about needing to find a new job so that I'd be more attracted to him. I've told him over and over that it absolutely does not matter to me and it truly doesn't....

I've also tried to tell him that I'll make it up to him the next night if I'm not in the mood, but then he spends every waking moment of the following day reminding me about it that it completely puts me off and I'm even further from "the mood".

We actually have a pretty active sex life. there are times when I just don't feel like it, but when I have sex with him anyway, he just gets mad at me.

I really think that I spend so much time taking care of him -- I pay all the bills, balance the check book, take his truck for maintenance, clean the house, cook the meals, make sure that the kids are where they need to be, make sure he's awake for work in the morning (I HATE being his alarm clock), wash his clothes etc etc etc.... that when he starts in about what we're going to do at night, it's just one more thing I have to do to take care of him. If he ever asks me to do something for him, he reminds me a million times a day until I'm ready to pull my hair out, so it's kind of like that....reminding me over and over again about the fact that he wants sex ....

I don't know.....He's not a bad guy... just spoiled and it's partly my fault and I realize that. I'm just venting.

I've actually tried to talk to him about doing more and then he throws on a major guilt trip....telling me he's sorry he's not a good husband that he really tries ... etc

Then the whole "you're gonna leave me" thing starts up again

ugh... never ending circle
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Old 02-25-2010, 03:43 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex feels like a chore

Quote:
Originally Posted by kpa_78 View Post


Anyway....There are some times when sex really feels like a chore....something else I have to do before I can go to sleep at night.

the times that it's particularly bothersome is when he starts talking to me (usually by sending texts) about what he wants to do in the bedroom at night when we get home. He texts over and over until it just drives me insane. Then I spend the rest of the day dreading the night. Sometimes I try to keep the kids awake so that I'll have an excuse. I don't know why it annoys me so for him to do this, but when he does, it makes me not want to even talk to him at all.



it just gets OLD

I don't know how to handle this. He's SUPER sensitive and I really don't want to talk to him about it, but I just don't know what to do...

Why do I feel this way? How can I make it better?

Please please help.....
First of all, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, or the way you feel. Your H's constant texting is just a form of nagging, and that's a major turn-off. You need to tell him straight out that his behavior is unacceptable. It might make him understand that this REALLY irritates you. He's obviously insecure about himself, which I'm sure is also a big turn-off for you, and he tries to manipulate you by making you feel bad for feeling the way you do. It also sounds like you do most of the work around the house etc..., and you don't need any more "chores". Carrying the burden of running a household by yourself can really tire you out, and that almost always interferes with sex. Your H needs to get off his *** and start helping you out, instead of nagging you all day/night and feeling sorry for himself. He may be sensitive, but as a sensitive man myself I can tell you that he'll get over it, especially if he feels his sex life has improved as a result. Communication is key, so don't worry about making him feel bad. He's been doing it to you, and he doesn't seem to be at all bothered by it.
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