Sexually uninterested husband..
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-21-2010, 07:38 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Sexually uninterested husband..

My husband and I have a very unhealthy sex life. Is it too much for me to want more if we only do it once or if lucky, twice in a month? We've only been married 3 years.. how lousier can it get in the coming years? I'm getting tired of initiating moves because he usually dismisses it. More so, if ever we do it, I feel like he's only doing it just for the sake of doing so. I miss having passion into it. It hardly won't even last 10 minutes! I'm very disappointed and discontented!
The odd thing is, my friends think we have such a hot sex life. We get compliments for being a fairly attractive couple, so I suppose this is why people presume it reflects in our sexual relationship too. I'm to shy too admit the harsh reality of how lousy it really is!
I'm sure it's not a matter of infidelity and there are a lot of wonderful things I appreciate about my husband.. he just really falls flat in the intimacy department. Which I find quite unusual for males. I've tried talking to him about this but he tells me I'm just too sexually needy! That there are much more important things to a marriage than this. I agree but should it mean we'd have to disregard sex?
I know it's totally wrong but sometimes I harbor into thoughts of having purely just a sexual affair just still feel wanted and satisfy myself. I love my husband but I think this is totally being unfair on my part.
Help.. tell me your thoughts on this..
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Old 02-21-2010, 08:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexually uninterested husband..

It does sound like hubby could be more responsive to your needs and I sympathize because I had the same frustration in my relationship. Is there some imaginative solution - could you both learn massage and he take care of you that way? Just a thought...
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Old 02-21-2010, 11:23 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexually uninterested husband..

This seems like the number one problem on this forum. People, married, but otherwise disinterested. :/ I sympathize because I'm in a similar situation, except I'm the disinterested husband. And its not that my libido is wrecked, its just miskeyed in some way to reject my wife. And I can't fix it any more than I can force myself to fall in love with a sofa. Perhaps you should talk more to your husband and flesh out a more nuanced opinion. My belief is that, certain people are highly compatible, gets all the neurons firing ( there is chemistry ), and other people for inexplicable reasons, can't make it click, DESPITE their objective good looks. Good that you've "only" been married 3 years and you're trying to sort this out now.
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Old 02-22-2010, 03:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexually uninterested husband..

Purplemoon, you should have your husband tested for low testosterone. My husband suffered from this (unbeknownst to either of us), for many years. Low testosterone adversely effects a man's libido, ambition, strength and general outlook. You've only been married three years and twice a month sex is too little unless you both are happy with that number.
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Old 02-22-2010, 03:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexually uninterested husband..

Quote:
Originally Posted by diaxis View Post
My belief is that, certain people are highly compatible, gets all the neurons firing ( there is chemistry ), and other people for inexplicable reasons, can't make it click, DESPITE their objective good looks. Good that you've "only" been married 3 years and you're trying to sort this out now.

agreed, couples that enjoy alot of sex together have matched sex drives. mismatched sex drives cause the problems. in this forum it seems close to equal whether its the husband or wife that is left wanting for more sex. its the overwhelming popular thread topic in here
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Old 02-22-2010, 06:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexually uninterested husband..

Quote:
Originally Posted by purplemoon View Post
My husband and I have a very unhealthy sex life. Is it too much for me to want more if we only do it once or if lucky, twice in a month? We've only been married 3 years.. how lousier can it get in the coming years? I'm getting tired of initiating moves because he usually dismisses it. More so, if ever we do it, I feel like he's only doing it just for the sake of doing so. I miss having passion into it. It hardly won't even last 10 minutes! I'm very disappointed and discontented!
The odd thing is, my friends think we have such a hot sex life. We get compliments for being a fairly attractive couple, so I suppose this is why people presume it reflects in our sexual relationship too. I'm to shy too admit the harsh reality of how lousy it really is!
I'm sure it's not a matter of infidelity and there are a lot of wonderful things I appreciate about my husband.. he just really falls flat in the intimacy department. Which I find quite unusual for males. I've tried talking to him about this but he tells me I'm just too sexually needy! That there are much more important things to a marriage than this. I agree but should it mean we'd have to disregard sex?
I know it's totally wrong but sometimes I harbor into thoughts of having purely just a sexual affair just still feel wanted and satisfy myself. I love my husband but I think this is totally being unfair on my part.
Help.. tell me your thoughts on this..
It's like we're married to the same man! 3 years and sex isn't a priority in a marriage. Maybe it isn't when you've in your 60s-80s and aren't physically capable of doing anything more than holding hands.
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Old 02-22-2010, 11:41 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexually uninterested husband..

Another woman that I can relate to on this topic. I'm sorry you're going through this (and that I am as well). Obviously I'm not the one to give advice about this since that's what I came here seeking. All I can say is that if you feel that you can't live your life this way then you need to be honest with him. Are you in love with him still? Do you want to make it work with him? Do you think that you might like to move on and find someone more compatible or more willing to make the effort to give you what you need? It's not going to change on its own, trust me on that.
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Old 03-10-2010, 06:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I apprecite all your sympathy and suggestions. I'm open to all of it. We're both only in our early 30's. This is a matter important to me and really getting me down so badly! I've spoken about this with him again just recently. Although he says he's willing to compromise and try to find solution, seems it's all just words and not enough effort to really do something about it. It's getting redundant that he's only good in the beginning about working it through! He even bought ginseng after hearing it may help.. bought! but never used it ever! He said he'll start exercising.. he did but stopped after after only few days after!
Should I be happy enough that at least he tried?.. just not hard enough! When do I give up with the thought of hoping the situation can change?
I've told him too already that it might be a testosterone problem but he dismisses this thought but I feel part of him also thinks so. I'm really not sure since it's only in this area that he seems to be having a problem performing.. workwise he's very harkworking and goal-oriented as usual! It's really so tiresome expressing this with him over and over.. I'm feeling so stupid like I should be sorry for wanting intimacy with my own husband! I'm almost in the verge of giving up this could still change! I'm trying to be okay with sexless marriage but deep within I just am not! I still care about him but I'm just not happy!
FYI, we still have never made love eversince I posted this thread, and I don't think we will anytime soon. I'm tired making initiations already when I'm more than often disregarded!
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Old 03-10-2010, 07:04 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by purplemoon View Post
My husband and I have a very unhealthy sex life. Is it too much for me to want more if we only do it once or if lucky, twice in a month? We've only been married 3 years.. how lousier can it get in the coming years? I'm getting tired of initiating moves because he usually dismisses it. More so, if ever we do it, I feel like he's only doing it just for the sake of doing so. I miss having passion into it. It hardly won't even last 10 minutes! I'm very disappointed and discontented!
The odd thing is, my friends think we have such a hot sex life. We get compliments for being a fairly attractive couple, so I suppose this is why people presume it reflects in our sexual relationship too. I'm to shy too admit the harsh reality of how lousy it really is!
I'm sure it's not a matter of infidelity and there are a lot of wonderful things I appreciate about my husband.. he just really falls flat in the intimacy department. Which I find quite unusual for males. I've tried talking to him about this but he tells me I'm just too sexually needy! That there are much more important things to a marriage than this. I agree but should it mean we'd have to disregard sex?
I know it's totally wrong but sometimes I harbor into thoughts of having purely just a sexual affair just still feel wanted and satisfy myself. I love my husband but I think this is totally being unfair on my part.
Help.. tell me your thoughts on this..
If you've faught this for a long time.... Sit him down and say..."I love you but the sex thing sucks,
I want more, its clear you don't, there's this guy (63vino let's say for example) that is totally willing to fulfill that need for me.
Would this be ok? I mean, we seem ok in other parts of relationship but this just sucks for me.
Can you help me? What do you think?"

Sorry for embedded joke I just cannot be 100% serious ever.
But a definition of insanity I love is; "doing the same thing but expecting different outcome"

Try something different!
Make SURE he understands the gravity!!
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Old 03-10-2010, 11:15 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexually uninterested husband..

A great sex life won't fix a troubled marriage, but a poor sex life can ruin a good one. You will be climbing the walls (if you aren't already) at some point and then you will be vulnerable to an affair (or affairs).

Insist that he see a doctor--if it's testosterone or some other medical issue, there may be an easy fix, and he may just be self-conscious about going in--but that is simply an unacceptable excuse when you are unhappy with your sex life. And you need to be insistent--let him know that if he's unwilling to do what needs to be done, starting with a check up, then he is putting the marriage at risk.

Please ask yourself how much of your life are you willing to lose to a crummy sex life, too. It does not seem like so much from where you are right now, perhaps, but do you want to be 50 and looking back at 20+ years of a very unsatisfying sex life? This is the only life you get--it is not a dress rehearsal. Keep that in mind when you talk to him b/c you may need the courage to pursue what you deserve.

Good luck!
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Old 03-10-2010, 11:19 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexually uninterested husband..

OH MY GOODNESS!!! My husband is the same way! I thought for sure I had the only man out there who didn't want sex all the time. Does your husband take any pills for anything? The reason I ask is because my husband has high blood pressure and he's diabetic; both of which he takes pills daily for. The pills are the reason he has no sex drive.
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Old 03-11-2010, 06:28 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexually uninterested husband..

I'm somewhat relieve that there are people who understand me on this. You're making me able to breathe and find outlet here.
63vino, it's okay, I see the point you're driving at and I agree!
Sisters359, it's true, this is really putting a toll in our marriage and I hate to think I'd look back in the coming years and see how sad I have been. I'm still willing to work this through sadly maybe until I've totally exhaust myself! I know I desrve so much better than a crammy sex life. I've come from a conservative family and even friends. It will devastate them to think I will give up on my marrige and have lack of sex as my reason! It's like escaping a problem and embracing another by facing these judgments and critism.
Soldierswife656, no he's not on any pill or medication. At least, you know what exactly is wrong with your husband unlike me who'd just have to keep on guessing! :_(
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Old 03-11-2010, 04:22 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexually uninterested husband..

Sex is such a huge issues for couples - I see it all the time in my practice and in life! It's pretty unusual for two people to have matching libidos - so then what?

If it's not working for you - tell him you miss him/her in a playful way. Be careful not to be critical but rather come from a feeling place ie. "Babe, I miss our play time...it makes me feel connected to you. I miss you!"

Sometimes it's a matter of compromise when it comes to mismatched libidos. But you need to be able to at least talk about it!

If he doesn't hear that and nothing changes, be more assertive around how this is a problem for you. Rule out medical issues, depression or other external factors possibly contributing to his disinterest. Let him know you're on his team to figure it out - but be clear about your needs.

Whatever you do - don't opt for "no discussion." Or you will be at risk for seeking others which will lead to a whole slew of other issues down the line. You could also try couples counseling / sex therapy.
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Old 04-17-2010, 05:26 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexually uninterested husband..

Quote:
Originally Posted by diaxis View Post
This seems like the number one problem on this forum. People, married, but otherwise disinterested. :/ I sympathize because I'm in a similar situation, except I'm the disinterested husband. And its not that my libido is wrecked, its just miskeyed in some way to reject my wife. And I can't fix it any more than I can force myself to fall in love with a sofa. Perhaps you should talk more to your husband and flesh out a more nuanced opinion. My belief is that, certain people are highly compatible, gets all the neurons firing ( there is chemistry ), and other people for inexplicable reasons, can't make it click, DESPITE their objective good looks. Good that you've "only" been married 3 years and you're trying to sort this out now.
Another disinterested husband here. My wife is moderately overweight, yet she won't exercise even 10min a week. It is the hugest turn off in the world, completely derailing whatever desire I might have felt otherwise. There are also some behavioral things and emotional attraction issues in my case.

Unless you trust each other enough for brutally honesty, it's going to be a long road ahead with no resolution. I've been in this situation for 10yrs.
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