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Wives who dont like porn, or men whos wife doesnt like porn- READ!!

48K views 88 replies 60 participants last post by  827Aug 
#1 ·
So I just have a quick question to see if my general thoughts on the topic are right......

For the women that do NOT like their spouses watching porn: were you even cheated on? On hurt in some similar way (maybe an emotional affair or something else along that line?)

Also, if you were, was it with your current spouse?

And Men: If your wife does NOT like you watching porn- do you know if they were ever cheated on or hurt emotionally in a relationship, either by you or and ex?

I do tend to believe that women who don't lilke porn- and feel insecure about it- probably never felt that way until something happening in their relationships to make them that way.... I could be wrong- but hey! Thats why im asking.....

I personally have been hurt in the past (messing around with boyfriend and his ex girlfriend-kissing and such- all in good fun until he wanted to have sex, and i didnt- which led to me watching him have sex with him ex-- LONG STORY) which for me, made me VERY insecure about myself- and gave birth to my insecurities about porn....

Anyways, just wondering what everyone else thinks about it??
 
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#3 ·
Hey sadbear......ya i have and still do watch it from time to time by myself, and also watch it with hubs occasionally. I guess after what happened in my situation, its hard to get that he feels the same way i do about it- that its fun and nothing more--

just curious if anyone else has been hurt in the past and because feels the same way.... (i dont remember ever being bothered by it until i got hurt)
 
#4 ·
My wife loathes porn...either by both of us watching it or me watching it alone. Her ex-husband presented himself as this clean cut guy who lived "right". One day, while cleaning up in the basement, she came across a box filled with porn movies. She confronted him about it and he claimed it was his brothers. She asked the brother about it and he said they weren't his and "if they were mine, why would I store them in your basement?".

She became upset at that point and began to question her abilities in bed with him (most of the movies were newer than their wedding year so it was obvious he had been buying them after they were married). Slowly, information about this guy began to leak out...the fact he was abusive to his previous girlfriends, he was unfaithful, etc.

I think this experience soured her on porn and the good things that can come from a loving couple watching certain types of porn (not the trashy stuff). There are some very good erotic movies out there and she can't bring herself to watch those. She says it is hard for her to watch and that it does nothing to her watching other people have sex.

Personally, I've had a few ex-girlfriends who were into watching erotica (one actually loved it so much she had her own collection) and I don't see what the problem is provided it doesn't become a regular precursor to having sex. Once in awhile to keep things fresh and interesting is alright by me.

Unfortunately, it doesn't look like it will ever happen in my current marriage, though. Thanks to hubby #1 who more than likely ****ed it up.
 
#5 ·
SweetiepieMI:

I think you are on to something here. I believe what you are suggesting DEFINETLY plays a role, more times than not anyway.

I am SO open to Porn & I have a very loving ever faithful husband. We have even went to strip clubs together & I allow him lap dances. If He EVER cheated on me, I would NOT be comfortable doing these things, and I don't recommend this kind of entertainment if your man or husband is lured by temptation easily or has a history of hiding things or ever being unfaithful.

I did not always enjoy porn, but that had more to do with being sexually inhibited, religious thinking (sex was dirty, women shouldn't dress to Entice, flirting was bad, etc). My husband has always looked, not always been open about it -cause he knew I would post scriptures on his computer & criticize him. So when I became more OPEN sexually & we talked about these things , I realized how he is just visual & it has little to do with me at all, he always saves himself for me, so all is good. And Porn is not a threat.

Hetfield - that is a shame your wife can not separate her experience from unfaithful hubby #1 to YOU, a faithful loving husband. IF her feelings and dislike has more to do with her being sexually inhibited , or her hormones are just not raging enough over her experience with #1 , maybe their is HOPE as she gets older & reaches her PRIME , that "cougar" stage. ;)
 
#6 ·
See that's my point. I think it definitely stems from some sort of infidelity or betrayel, which makes it extremely hard to get over. The question become, how does one get over it without the fear of getting hurt again......

I do enjoy porn, and like the idea of going to a strip club ( i think it would be fun) but at the same time its hard to wrap my mind around the idea of my hubs getting a lap dance or him watching it without me....

Maybe its because I personally have never ventured beyond his comfort zone, but since he has- it breaks the trust?

Just something to think about. I once read that its not the porn ITSELF that you can have negative reactions to, it's whats BEHIND the anger/hurt/betrayel etc thats causing it to affect you negatively... Or something like that haha anyways....

Any other personal experiences that you guys have with the subject- whether it bothers you or not, and if youve been hurt in a relationship or not, post reply!!

Its very interesting to see just how true this idea could be....or how not maybe?
 
#7 ·
I have no problem with my husband looking at porn, on the rare occasions that he does. It amazes me how many women are so insecure and obsessive about this issue. You can't control another person. If you have a husband who is looking at porn, it has nothing to do with you, your attractiveness (or lack thereof), or you not being good enough. Nagging them will not change the behavior. Those are the cold, hard facts.

I have never been cheated on by a man, I've had the same partner all my life and we've been monogamous. Maybe that's why I am not insecure about porn. However, if my husband was obsessed with masturbating over it and ignoring me, there would be a problem, but I still wouldn't think it was because he didn't love or want me.
 
#8 ·
I was wondering why it's okay for a woman to use a vibrator in the bedroom (or other sex toy) to get up over the hump and a man is supposed to be okay with that but if a man uses porn for "brain stimulation" (vs. clitoral), that's a no-no and disrespectful?

Is this about control? Or self-esteem?

I really don't get it.
 
#76 ·
I was wondering why it's okay for a woman to use a vibrator in the bedroom (or other sex toy) to get up over the hump and a man is supposed to be okay with that but if a man uses porn for "brain stimulation" (vs. clitoral), that's a no-no and disrespectful?Is this about control? Or self-esteem?

I really don't get it.
I highly doubt anyone reading this is going to beleive for one minute that any man looks at porn for "brain stimulation." :loser: We all know what they are "stimulating" when they are looking at their porn! :loser:
 
#9 ·
Let's be honest, the truth is the woman usually only wants to have sex once a week the man needs to release every day. Why not porn? it helps him get off easier. I'd love for my wife to come up to me and say: "from now on, every ejaculation goes in me ok?" i'd say: "fine, bye bye porn" truth is, she only needs to orgasm once/twice a week.

Now if it is getting in the way of when you do have sex, performance wise for him then I see a big problem. Other than that I don't, and it certanly isn't a betrayal as far as I can tell. My wife has no problem with it and we've watched it together.
 
#10 ·
Hi Sweetiepie

you raise a lot of really interesting issues here, so I'll try to stick to the central point.

Amongst my women friends and former lovers (not that numerous!) opinions are widely varied. Some are keen on very explicit porn, others like more romantic turn-ons, some hate the whole business altogether. All, I think, have a wide experience of loving and/or sexual relationships and all the highs and lows that go with them. On balance, i reckon more dislike porn than are turned on by it but I'd find it impossible to generalize and attribute their distaste to getting hurt or being cheated on.

To be more specific, I've had a long-term relationship in which I did introduce porn as a possible source of pleasure. It didn't work. My lover wasn't a perfect size ten and couldn't help compare herself to the air-brushed, industrialized beauty on the page. She felt horribly insecure (but, with your thoughts in mind, I'd never cheated on her). So I gladly stopped that particular experiment.

We came up with a creative solution - to make our own erotic images. It turned into a delightful project, an erotic adventure full of fun and warm intimacy and was as different as can be from the air-brushed, industrialized stuff. I'm still proud of the pictures we did and I'm still moved by them. I love erotica and these are the kind of images that really light my fire and I couldn't be less interested in Playboy-type stuff. I'm puzzled that more couples don't do the same and replace all that anger you mention with a wholesome joy in each other.

I have more that i'd like to say - and ask - but I'll shut up for now!
 
#11 ·
martino- i have to completely disagree with the comment that women only want sex once a week. Ive had this conversation with my hubs and my perfect number would be 4 times a week. His is 3-4.... With that being said, there have been occasions where we have only had sex 1 time a week- and i dont find that enough at all... I know this varies from woman to woman, but your generalization that all women only want it once a week is completely false.

steve- We have ventured to making our own, and its something that he enjoys, but i dont really get aroused to watching it... (i think this is cause i do enjoy the body of a woman, and obviously dont get aroused by mine--)

oh and scanner- I think its probably both to tell you the truth. I think that when women her hurt in a relationship they do tend to try to control it in an attempt to stop it from happening again....

very interesting subject though... :)
 
#12 ·
Sweetiepie,

THanks for you answer but I don't think it answers what I am trying to say.

If let's say I have a vibrator and I am getting busy down there with it and the wife is "Okay, that's just what I needed. . .wait a minute. . .there ya go. Thank you." (more or less, w/out getting graphic)

But if a man watches a porn beforehand (or during) that's bad.

Yet, in our pharmaceutical-laced America, if a man takes a Viagra before, that's okay.

I'm really not trying to be confrontational (well, I guess I am) but I think there's a double standard here.

And I am talking to the general topic of porn. . .I know your circumstance of an ex having sex with an ex-girlfriend in front of you. . .that didn't sound cool. I am not sure one thing has to do with the other though.
 
#54 ·
i do not agree with this. ok so a girl goes in the bathroom and uses a vibrator. is she looking at another man/women? is she getting aroused by someone else? no shes just sitting in the bath room rubbing one out!! ok now the man is watching girls get f*cked and yea.... getting aroused by that whole scene and getting off....so thats not very fair to say that its ok...and the whole excuse of "men will be men" thats bs. im sorry boys look at porn, men dont need to"at least thats what my husband says". 'UNLESS THE WIFE ENJOYS IT AS WELL' its so redicilious that porn has become so important to the boys of this time, that they will go through hell and back to "hide" there "addiction" :scratchhead: hm... now me and my husband, we have watched porn together, but not like "o baby im so horny lets watch to hot people do it" its was more of the "OMG IS THAT REAL!??!?!?:confused:" I usta be one of those girls that felt threatened by porn, and one day my husband sat me down "before we got married" and said "baby i want to show you something and i dont want you to get mad" and we just browsed around the web, (now keep in mind my image of porn was girls like the girls in play boy "beautiful barbies")but actually alot of the "free porn" videos are of girls that....lets just say.... arent bad, but most of them are definitely butter faces... :rofl: Now some of you might say "thats because you have only looked up free porn" but really why the heck would i pay for it! lol the point is, my husband showed me that these girls "who i felt threatened by for some reason" aint got nothing on me. so, fact of the matter is either your H doesnt give a crap about your feelings (in witch case that needs to be fixed asap) or he has an addiction. witch if thats the case find out if he see's it as a problem "yes sometimes MEN actually admit they have a problem" if so support him, help him get the treatment he needs! being addicted to porn is like being addicted to world of warcraft or any other games/drugs, its hard work to kick the habit! if he claims to not have a problem but u no its a problem, then at this point i either A) try to come to some sort of agree ment "lame i no but if u love him and want it to work..." or B)smash his computer over his face and move on to a better man.:confused: the choice is yours. :rolleyes:
 
#13 ·
I don't mind porn but I think there's an issue here. A lot of woman have been cheated on. If you take the subset of women who don't like porn, there's going to be a lot of women who have been cheated on (as in any other group) so drawing conclusions that the previous infidelities cause the issues with porn is inaccurate because you're asking in a way that causes that biased response. Which is why I'm replying here. I've been cheated on. I don't mind porn. I don't think it's related. Hell, I don't even know any porn stars, and neither does anybody I've ever dated. I think they're the least threat of infidelity from my partner out of anyone :)
 
#14 ·
I cant stand my H looking at porn it hurts me so bad I WISH I did not care! I wish they had a "dont give a crap" pill that wives can take, I am highly insecure about my body and I think having low self esteem really fuels my hurt feelings when he looks at it
i have tried talking to him about it(telling him to stop) he will never stop looking he loves watching sex..point blank
trying VERY hard to work on my own body to make MYSELF feel good, not for him, but for my own self worth, and MAYBE then I wont care so much when he "gets himself off"
man I hope so, I hope some women that dont care that there hubby watches can send me some of their "dont give a crap" vibes :)
 
#15 ·
I dislike my H watching porn because he uses that as his sexual outlet (instead of me). He hides it and lies about it through his teeth. So really my resentment is directed towards him, but I do hate the porn. Now if we had a healthy sex life, then I wouldn't get in a huff about it.
 
#16 ·
Ok so here is my dilemma. I am 22 yrs old. with three kids and newly married. I was married once before to a man who would neglect my sexual needs to do the "deed" and watch porn which I consistently caught him doing. I did not approve of porn from the start as I had a child hood trauma that made me this way. I have come to terms with that. Now I am newly married to a wonderful man who loves and respects me, but I seem to push him away on regular basis. He is a man and has sexual needs and I do not let him satisfy those needs because of my problems in the past.

I told him from the beginning of our relationship that I will NOT put up with masturbation, porn, or anything like that. I caught him once and my trust for him is now gone. Now I seem to be looking for things that could be interpreted as negative behavior. I know I need help with this issue but I simply do not have time, not even an hour a week, as I work and go to school. I want him to be able to do what he wants but it hurts me so bad that it feels as though he is cheating on me.

As I read each blog on here, I now write this blog while I am crying, just because it pisses me off so bad that I have to open old hurtful memories for him to be able to jack off and watch porn. I know that I am being selfish in this field but I don't think that I can bring my self to terms with watching porn or to let him and its now come down to ending our marriage. Over this! It's so stupid I know but I can't do it and I don't know what to do except to desensitize myself which does not work. I just get mad. any advice?
 
#17 ·
For the women that do NOT like their spouses watching porn: were you even cheated on? On hurt in some similar way (maybe an emotional affair or something else along that line?)

Also, if you were, was it with your current spouse?

And Men: If your wife does NOT like you watching porn- do you know if they were ever cheated on or hurt emotionally in a relationship, either by you or and ex?

I do tend to believe that women who don't lilke porn- and feel insecure about it- probably never felt that way until something happening in their relationships to make them that way.... I could be wrong- but hey! Thats why im asking.....
That is the case for me- my H hurt me because he used porn as a replacement for our sex life. he shut me out and lied to me about what was going on- for months. He didnt start to shut me out until after i quit my job, left my family and moved states with him. Months after i moved i found out about the porn. suddenly everything started making sense.
 
#18 ·
to myer, i completely get how you feel with parts of what you said. I have to been stuggling with the whole porn debate, sometimes the **** bothers me.....sometimes it doesnt.... i think the only thing you can really do is focus on you. You cant control what he does, but you CAN control how you react to it. You CAN control how you feel. Just decide that you are going to focus on you, and decide to be happy. Sometimes a little detachment is important to not let these sort of things bother you. I promise, it will make for a happier you. (it does me)
 
#19 ·
"I told him from the beginning of our relationship that I will NOT put up with masturbation, porn, or anything like that."

No husband (and no wife) should put up with someone who demands they don't masturbate. What gives anyone the right to control something like this? That's just an unrealistic and ridiculous stipulation. Everyone masturbates, or nearly everyone. Telling your husband that you won't put up with masturbating is setting the both of you up for failure.

Why not change your mindset and encourage him to masturbate in front of you? That's a turn on for most women (it sure is for me), and you can masturbate alongside him. It's erotic and a change of pace from regular intercourse.
 
#22 ·
In my first (failed) marriage, a lot of things were wrong, but some of it was just this: my wife rejected some of me, including some of my sexual interests. But those interests didn't go away. Since I wouldn't go to another woman, that left me with masturbation as the only outlet.

I didn't then, and still don't now, think it was all that bad. She didn't want some parts of my sexuality, so it wasn't like I was depriving her of anything. Basically, masturbating served a a sort of pressure-relief valve, preventing a lot of fights. I stopped asking her for things she didn't want to do, and stopped asking as often for things she did like but only wanted once or twice a month. So was a boon to her. I availed myself of what porn was available (the Internet continues to boggle my mind) and lived out in fantasy what I couldn't live out in reality, thus making me less grumpy overall.

And sometimes, getting sex was such a chore that it just wasn't worth doing. Some days I could tell it would be an hour of coaxing and romancing and she still wasn't going to connect with me, and the sex would be a disappointment when we did have it. When I realized that sex just had too much baggage almost all the time, and was just not worth the effort required, I started to suspect that we weren't going to last.
 
#23 ·
In my first (failed) marriage, a lot of things were wrong, but some of it was just this: my wife rejected some of me, including some of my sexual interests. But those interests didn't go away. Since I wouldn't go to another woman, that left me with masturbation as the only outlet.

I didn't then, and still don't now, think it was all that bad. She didn't want some parts of my sexuality, so it wasn't like I was depriving her of anything. Basically, masturbating served a a sort of pressure-relief valve, preventing a lot of fights. I stopped asking her for things she didn't want to do, and stopped asking as often for things she did like but only wanted once or twice a month. So was a boon to her. I availed myself of what porn was available (the Internet continues to boggle my mind) and lived out in fantasy what I couldn't live out in reality, thus making me less grumpy overall.

And sometimes, getting sex was such a chore that it just wasn't worth doing. Some days I could tell it would be an hour of coaxing and romancing and she still wasn't going to connect with me, and the sex would be a disappointment when we did have it. When I realized that sex just had too much baggage almost all the time, and was just not worth the effort required, I started to suspect that we weren't going to last.
 
#24 ·
I also hate porn. It only causes division in marriage in one way or another. Maybe not today but eventually it does. It is like someone telling a white lie...they may feel horrible about it but eventually start to justify it and those lies start to grow and come about more and more often until lying is a regular part of that persons life. It is something that CAN overtake a man and seriously hurt his wife - her self esteem, respect for him, and her ability to be sexually open.

Personally, I married my husband not knowing his ongoing struggle with pornography. I was 19 - young, beautiful, talented and full of life and happiness. I never in my wildest dreams thought that my husband would get his sexual gratification from other women. In our first year of marriage I remember going to bed as a newly wed after asking him to come and make love. He made up excuses and unknowingly to me at that time would stay up and masturbate to pornography. I felt so alone and that I wasn't enough for him as a new wife. Later, when I found out what had been happening, I was enraged and I have struggled with self consciousness and self esteem issues ever since.

I also would beg him to stop and even though he told me that he hated doing it and would stop, it never did. Five years later he had a one night stand. To this day, he still struggles with pornography and I am sure always will. I feel cheated and if I could make the decision for a life partner again, even though I love him very much, I would choose someone who did not have these issues.
 
#25 ·
Wow, that's pretty deep. I've never heard of a man choosing his hand over the real thing. I'm a man and I watch porn, especially when my wife isn't home. I'll have a great'ol time by myself but when my wife is home and I know she's available, I'll take my behind to the bedroom and make her pay for how aroused my porn has made me. I don't need the porn in order to get aroused by my wife cuz there are plenty of times I'll be in the bedroom watching TV, she'll come into the room and start to undress and I will literally stop everything that I'm doing, just to watch her undress. What I struggle with in my own marriage is the lack of passion, and interest in her part. She'll probably complain that I want it too often and I'll complain that she wants it too little. leaving it up to her, i'd probably get it once a week to once every two weeks and admittedly, she's a animal on that schedule. On my own clock, she has literally watched television while I'm taking care of business with her. When I finish, she'll simply pull up her underwear and continue watching TV without skipping a beat. Who wants a sex life like that? I've regretably strayed because of this and I've confessed to it. She's a beautiful and voluptuous woman and I just wished that she was into me as much as I'm into her. In risking sounding like woman, she just doesn't make me feel beautiful. I've been with her for 9 years so far. I don't think I'm bad looking. 6'2, 225 pounds, athletic build, I hit the gym, average sized member about 6 and half inches, I take my time in bed with her, perform Oral which she claims to love and frequently request, I don't premature ejaculate, I make sure she orgasms before I do. I'll never claim to be the greatest lover but I try my best to please. I never ask her to go down on me cuz its not my cup of tea. I never ask for anal cuz again, it's not my cup of tea. So I'm not sure what the problem is. Anyhoo again, I've never heard a man prefer his own hand over the real thing unless he was repulsed by something, whether being over weight, Hygiene, complete lack of spark or sexual compatability with his partner. It could be anything. Nevertheless, I sure hope it works out for you. Feel free to ask me any questions.
 
#26 ·
I believe that some women don't like it because of past experiences, but also some may not be into the degradation that goes on in some instances. I know that sometimes if hubby and I are watching I can't help but think, "that poor girls mother, she must be so proud". I am able to get past that most of the time and do enjoy, especially because hubby uses it as a "learning tool", like "hey, let's try that". And I do know some women who just want to be the only woman that turns their man on, but that's not realistic. I have had to remind myself on occasion that I too have looked at other men and had "impure thoughts", but would never act on them. In a secure, loving relationship porn can be a great tool to use for spice, but it can be damaging, depending on the guy. In my case it has heightened my hubby's desire to be with other women, the type of women who do those movies, to the point that he sought out, met and slept with someone he met on a social networking porn site. So I may now be not so keen on it in future relationships, but I also realize that my hubby is different than most guys. He has an obsession and refuses to do anything about, so he is gonna lose me. So guess I can see all sides of this coin, good and bad.
 
#27 ·
Ladies, from another man's point of view...you should not think of yourself as an old fuddy duddy (if that's a real phrase) or somebody who is out of step with the real world if you hate porn and really get disgusted when your husband is into it. Let's get real here, he is fantasizing about getting it on with other women besides you. So even though it is not an actual physical relationship with all of these women, it is however a mental and psychological relationship regardless of how brief it may be. Let's ask ourselves, "What is the difference?" It's interesting how a lot of people will say that the Old Testament was very difficult especially when the 10 commandments are brought up, one in particular, "You shall not commit adultery". So it is common for many to say that there is much grace and forgiveness in the New Testatment and we should try to live strictly by what Jesus taught. (FYI: I believe that both testaments are applicable today). Let's look at what Jesus said about lustfully looking at other women. Matthew 5:27 & 28, Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." OUCH!! He said that, not me. How else can you interpret that? Ladies, you are feeling all sorts of feelings when your husband engages in that garbage because you rightfully in one way or another see that you are being cheated on...period! He needs to get out of that whether by counseling or by himself, but I guarantee that most of the men who are into this are already addicted and cannot stop it. It has got to come to an end so that your marriage can get back into a healthy and wholesome relationship that it was designed to be.
 
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