Bi-curious Wife
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-01-2010, 07:38 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Bi-curious Wife

My wife and her friend sat me down last night and wanted to let me know that they are attracted to each other. They said they are interested in exploring their feelings and relationship further. Her husband has agreed that they can explore feelings and kiss. However, he would want to be included as an observer on anything more intimate that. They wanted to know if I was OK with it and not to answer now. My initial reaction was that it would be fine, but I'd take some time to think it over. We recently had some nights together where they kissed in front of myself and her friend's husband. My wife has always said that she was interested in being with another woman, so this isn't a total shock.

We didn't talk any more about it last night. I couldn't sleep and ended up spending a couple hours writing down thoughts and feelings. I want her to be happy and don't want to squash a genuine connection. I think that she is really excited about this and is enjoying the thrill.

I know the anxiety that I'm feeling is due to insecurities that I have about our relationship. That I'm feeling threatened of being replaced. We've been married 10 years (I guess this could be the itch I've always heard about) and our love life often takes a back seat to being busy and tired. The last year has been a lot better than previous years. I'm starting to get over having to use Viagra to overcome performance anxiety. I know that she loves me and I won't be replaced ultimately, but it doesn't feel that way right now.

I was left in knots and a total mess today. I'll be heading home in a couple of hours and I was hoping for any responses on how to lead into a conversation about it.

1) I really want to know how she feels about all this. So far we haven't discussed. Ultimately I want her to do what she feels she needs to do to be happy.

2) On the other hand I want to layout my feelings and being jealous of presuing an intimate relationship (not necessarily sexually) with someone else.

3) I also want to ask her how she'd feel if I started to feel that way about someone and wanted to explore it.

I'm leaning towards just trying to find out more about how she is feeling about everything, keep my concerns to myself and let it happen. Hopefully it will be a short fling and could end up getting us to communicating better.

My fear is that it won't be short-lived and I'll start to pull away watching their fun relationship alone while supporting her in every other way. They had kissed a couple weeks ago when they were alone and she didn't tell me. Her friend made my wife tell me. I asked her what was going on and she said that they were just messing around. I asked how she felt and she said she wasn't sure how she felt. That is why she didn't say anything. I've found out this way of a few other things this way. If she can't be forthcoming, I know that I'll pull away emotionally even more than just seeing them together.

Sorry this is so long winded.
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Old 03-02-2010, 08:30 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bi-curious Wife

The gender of the other person is irrelevant. What your wife is doing is asking your permission to have an affair. It is likely already an EA and heading towards a PA. What makes it different from most stories here is that she appears to be out in front with it. Are you taking a risk in letting her move forward, yes. Are you taking a risk in trying to hold her back, yes. The question is not what makes her happy, the question is can you live in a "marriage" where your spouse is engaged in an affair. My wife probably felt she would be "happy" if she could have maintained her EA and still had me at home as a co-parent, partner & friend. I wouldn't live in that kind of relationship and knew with time that the other shoe would drop from the EA and told her that. The EA ended and we are still together. What can you live with???
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Last edited by Amplexor; 03-02-2010 at 09:19 AM.
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Old 03-02-2010, 08:59 AM   #3 (permalink)
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^^^^^^ good advise. If you are the least bit insecure this will make you way more insecure. How will you feel as she discussed your sexual performance to her friend. What if she finds out she loves girl girl sex better than husband wife sex because its all new and wonderful.

Slippery slope my friend. Good Luck
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Old 03-02-2010, 09:37 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bi-curious Wife

she is at least bisexual if not completely homosexual, she will find out as soon as the have their encounter if it hasnt happened already. i would not accept this situation personally and would either demand it didnt happen or move on.
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Old 03-02-2010, 09:49 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bi-curious Wife

I dunno. I personaly would not have a problem with it, but i do tend to look at things "differently"
If in fact she is bi or especially outright lesbian... forbidding her to engage in actions is NOT going to change who she is or how she feels on the inside. In "my world" you explain to her openly how you feel and how this will affect you. Actions or decisions should be based on truthful information "facts".

If you guys are not communicating openly, id be more worried about that.
If after having some truely candid conversations she decides that pursuing that is more important then you have your path.

If she is merely curious in terms of the physical part? erase the above and let her explore it.
Women are fun... i know if i was a woman... id STILL wanna play with them!!! hahaha
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Old 03-02-2010, 09:59 AM   #6 (permalink)
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WoW, I don't know but if my husband would say that to me, I would think he is out of his mind.
Sorry but I'm not good with sharing. I'm a little selfish.
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Old 03-02-2010, 10:10 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Deb* View Post
WoW, I don't know but if my husband would say that to me, I would think he is out of his mind.
Sorry but I'm not good with sharing. I'm a little selfish.
If you're refering to me..
It would not be the first time someone referred to me as "out of my mind"... but i am one HAPPY nut so thats FINE!!!

And after all, he would be saying "it" only in response to your desire to follow something, at which point it might be more of a gift than crazyness.

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Old 03-02-2010, 10:12 AM   #8 (permalink)
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to each their own for sure, just not for me. i aint judging you vino.
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Old 03-02-2010, 10:16 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 63Vino View Post
If you're refering to me..
It would not be the first time someone referred to me as "out of my mind"... but i am one HAPPY nut so thats FINE!!!

And after all, he would be saying "it" only in response to your desire to follow something, at which point it might be more of a gift than crazyness.

No I was not referring to you.
I was just imaging how I was going to react if my husband would say to me that he and his friend are attracted to each other. Hmmmmmmm, I can't even imagine it.
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Old 03-02-2010, 10:18 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Deb* View Post
No I was not referring to you.
I was just imaging how I was going to react if my husband would say to me that he and his friend are attracted to each other. Hmmmmmmm, I can't even imagine it.

haha k i get yer point!!!!
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Old 03-02-2010, 10:20 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by okeydokie View Post
to each their own for sure, just not for me. i aint judging you vino.
Phew!!!


Judging me? for what?
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Old 03-02-2010, 10:48 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by 63Vino View Post
Phew!!!


Judging me? for what?
that you dont have a problem with it
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Old 03-02-2010, 10:48 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bi-curious Wife

My wife is bisexual and I let her have one sexual encounter with a woman, all worked out fine. She thinks girls are beautiful but in the end she needs a **** (her words, not mine). BUT, I agree that anytime another person is involved there is risk to the relationship.
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Old 03-02-2010, 10:54 AM   #14 (permalink)
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My wife is bisexual and I let her have one sexual encounter with a woman, all worked out fine. She thinks girls are beautiful but in the end she needs a **** (her words, not mine). BUT, I agree that anytime another person is involved there is risk to the relationship.
For you cheating is only when your wife cheats you with a man?
She is bi, ok. She did what she did when she was single, but now that she is married she has to stop it. She is married to one person, or when she gets bored with you she is allowed to have sex with other women since she is bi?

Last edited by marcy*; 03-02-2010 at 11:01 AM.
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Old 03-02-2010, 09:45 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bi-curious Wife

Thanks for the posts!

We've talked some and they haven't gone any further than the kissing that I already know about. They are still just messing around and wanted to be up front before it went any further. She still doesn't know how she feels about everything and does not have any intentions of going further than that right now. Which is where my wife and I had talked about it previously. When they both talked to me about it Sunday night, I thought that different feelings had developed and possibly actions discussed. I was scared that things had changed and she wasn't letting me know first. This caused me to really think the situation through and subsequently post here.

She said that she wouldn't pursue it anymore since I was obviously not comfortable and she doesn't really need it. We had a good talk about our relationship, which has been in need of more communication. It is often hard to have discussions that don't involve problems (money, family, etc.). So often times we find ourselves not having a lot to talk about when we do get the chance to talk. I believe that this "curiosity" is a manifestation of filling the void of our lack of communication. We are going on a trip next week and I have been working a lot so that work wouldn't follow me. This will be a great time to talk a lot more about this and everything. I may end up being okay with her exploring things when our communication is better than it is right now.

Here's a question, aren't most best friend relationships (especially between girlfriends) really EAs anyway? Strong emotional connections and conversations separate from the partner. Maybe not really as secretive like an affair, but not fully disclosed either.
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