myerssasha

Ok so here is my dilemma. I am 22 yrs old. with three kids and newly married. I was married once before to a man who would neglect my sexual needs to do the "deed" and watch porn which I consistently caught him doing. I did not approve of porn from the start as I had a child hood trauma that made me this way. I have come to terms with that. Now I am newly married to a wonderful man who loves and respects me, but I seem to push him away on regular basis. He is a man and has sexual needs and I do not let him satisfy those needs because of my problems in the past.

I told him from the beginning of our relationship that I will NOT put up with masturbation, porn, or anything like that. I caught him once and my trust for him is now gone. Now I seem to be looking for things that could be interpreted as negative behavior. I know I need help with this issue but I simply do not have time, not even an hour a week, as I work and go to school. I want him to be able to do what he wants but it hurts me so bad that it feels as though he is cheating on me.

As I read each blog on here, I now write this blog while I am crying, just because it pisses me off so bad that I have to open old hurtful memories for him to be able to jack off and watch porn. I know that I am being selfish in this field but I don't think that I can bring my self to terms with watching porn or to let him and its now come down to ending our marriage. Over this! It's so stupid I know but I can't do it and I don't know what to do except to desensitize myself which does not work. I just get mad. any advice?

Blanca

i feel for you sasha. i think you do have issues from your past that eventually you're going to have to make time for.

but until then you cant pretend to be OK with something that you are not OK with. Its hurting you, and whether its 'right' or 'wrong' you do need the pain to stop. it doesnt matter how much you tell yourself that its 'stupid', he's a guy that's what he does, etc. you wont talk yourself out of it. you have to accept how you feel, and protect your heart. that's the most important thing.

but just know that running away from your H is not the answer. you will find another guy that brings up your past issues. that's the way it works. you might find a guy that doesnt look at porn, but he'll come with some other problem that you will have to deal with. you have to deal with the issue instead of running from it. marriage is a way to deal with the issue so you can heal.

and dealing with it might come from your H quitting porn. maybe. or it might come from you accepting it. who knows. but the important thing is for you to stay and work it out.

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

steve71

Hi Sasha

you've given this intimate problem a lot of thought and well done for bringing it to open discussion.

I sense that part of your troubles arises from hubby's sexual pleasures not being 100% centered around you at all times. And so I'll suggest that you both consider making your own erotica - the word 'porn' is so loaded - your own erotica to celebrate and enjoy each other when masturbation is appropriate. It could be safely within your own limits, wholesome, and possibly a creative, fun thing to do.

I also sense that the controlling quality of your attitude to your man is a sympton that the earlier trauma is still a volatile force. I know you have a hectic life but I reckon you need to make space for some qualified counseling to liberate you from the past. I wish you well!

marriedguy

being a guy who used to look at porn and masterbaiting to porn I can say that the only reasons I was doing that was cuz I wasn't getting enough crazy sex from my wife that she was initiating...I have since stopped looking at porn and decided to suck it up and work on our relationship instead of falling for the damn porn sites...

That porn thing he'll have to work on..but you can try being as sexy to him as possible...he is a guy..just cuz he sees porn now and then does not mean that he doesn't love you...he's just a guy...having said that I dont think it's good for a relationship and he'll need to work on it too...you guys need to talk.

michzz

Why not just make love to your husband to see if that solves the issue?

If you don't have sex, he needs an outlet.

Brettscout

This pretty simple in my mind as a man


You already stated that "he's a man and has needs" and that you know that you push him away.

So ....you know that he wants to have sex with you but you are unwilling to let him have sex at times...but what other outlet are you offering him?...


You have a coupld of options here
1) have sex with him and make him feel like a man that i married to his doting wife
IF YOU DONT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM...

2) promote his release with masturbation and or porn with you being there as part of it....(you may get turned by this)

If you dont want him to masturbate and "forbid" it...he'll do it anyway...or potentially he will find someone that does fulfill his needs