madimoff

I have serious difficulty getting over arguments - I think from childhood when I only ever saw my parents arguing & because they were separated I never saw them being loving. I have this inbuilt "If you love each other you can't be mean to each other & if you're mean to each other you can't love each other" syndrome..... so when we fight I really struggle to get back feeling lovey dovey let alone lustful. Anyone the same? Got any answers/tips?

artieb

I read somewhere that "people fight because they can't argue", where the writer meant "argue" as in "debate logically by presenting a clear statement of their position and then evidence and reasoning for that position". If you can't discuss disagreements in that rational and civil way we associate with a debating club, then you end up having a fight instead.

In my view, that's the last 20 years of US culture. We used to have William F Buckley Jr on "Firing Line", who was a gentleman, and now we have people who just shout into their microphones.

If you're having a polite debate over some issue, that gives you emotional distance from the outcome of the debate and from the exact points being disputed. Having the debate be "over there" means that it doesn't come between you and the other person. If you're having a fight, that suggests the person you're fighting with is your enemy, which definitely puts something between you.

So both of you should try to argue about the topic, and not say anything mean about the other person. Then you don't have anything mean to take back, and no hard feelings to get over.

steve71

artieb is saying 'don't take it personally' and that's great if you can do it. Unfortunately some of us are so emotionally naked that every criticism or compliment goes right to the core.

I wish it wasn't so. My lady couldn't endure the slightest conflict unless it was buried deep within some impenetrable New Age psychobabble. We saw a therapist at a well-known UK outfit who summed it up very succinctly: "if you can't fight you can't f***". How right she was.

Madimoff, my parents fought like cat and dog too and I'll never forget it. Hideous stuff. But I've since learnt that dissent and argument are a wholesome part of the bigger creative, emotionally-literate loving relationship. But it does get scary when dissent and argument tip over into a naked fight. Are you afraid of helplessly crossing the dividing line?

madimoff

Interesting that I see more than one aspect of our fights & my inability to fight & **** in your replies. Firstly, I can debate easily - have served on committees and was a journalist Before Children (BC as I've learned to call it!) but my OH hates that approach, thinks I'm trying to outdo him. Maybe there's part of me that could be seen to be trying to prove myself right all the time, though I think it's more accurately avoiding being blamed, avoiding being criticised. Which was in your answers. I very rarely name-call; I might say I hate your behaviour I'd never say I hate you. I might say don't be a bastard, I've (maybe twice) said you're a bastard. He constantly says 'final sounding' things & has called me all the names under the sun. We had a bit of a heart to heart about this recently and I recognise he doesn't mean it, it's just heat of the moment but I can't deal with it without a lot of apologies & belly-aching about it. Anyway, all the apologies don't take away from the gut feeling about fighting like (can't remember whose) your lady.

artieb

What I mean is more "don't make it personal". Disagreements should not be an occasion for criticism of the other person. It is not a moral failing to disagree with someone, and responses to disagreements should not be personally critical. The first lesson in How To Win Friends And Influence People is "Never criticize, condemn, or complain."

It sounds as though the OP understands this, but perhaps her husband does not, thus the problem. I don't have an genius one-step solutions, but when people have said things to me that were really out of line I've sometimes just stopped the discussion where it was and asked "Why would you say such a thing? Do you really think that's going to help resolve anything?" and then walked away. If people start doing stuff like this, and you fight back, you're rewarding them. If they do things like that and suffer immediately for it, then they learn not to do things like that.

madimoff

I could (& would love to, honestly) discuss the inner workings of arguments & how people come to argue the way they do, what logistics & mechanics can be employed to tweak the 'power struggle' if there is one..... but to put it simply, I'm being made to think it's only me who wants the progression of nice...then affectionate touchy feely... then naughty touchy feely..... then more naughty etc etc before feeling I've been 'primed' for full on sexual encounters. (bit like preparing a fire for the burn, it won't start just by flinging a match at a bundle of wet sticks) ?? Cos once we've gone back through this a few times I reckon it won't take that long to get back into feeling ok for 'quickies' & so on. Please tell me I'm not alone? Or am I Mrs Boring?

SimplyAmorous

I have started a fair # of fights with my husband, I tend to be critical when I get upset & tend to put him on the defensive many times (I have gotten much better at stopping this though!), I get a little too personal in my attacks. I have found, that for me, I LOVE/adore/almost NEED to have make up sex afterwards, it truly lays the fight to rest, for ME. It reinforces that all is now better, we are WHOLE again in our relationship. I find it wonderful personally.

BUt my husband is very different!! Although he might want to have make up sex, it is MORE DIFFICULT for him to "go there" after a heated fight, he needs more time. But generally, if he is not too tired after a fight, I am so committed to seducing him, that he ends up falling anyway, he has even accused me of starting a fight JUST to have make up sex!


People are just different, maybe you need more time to reassess, or I would guess that maybe the whole issue was not truly settled IN YOUR HEART with your spouse-- is that possible ?? And this is why you can't go there right after ?

Or if like me, if your spouse is the one who started the argument, that maybe it is JUST EASIER for that spouse to get over it . ??

I would imagine if you are the one being dumped on, It would make alot of sense for it to be more difficult to process & overcome ,especally if the Dumper does not go out of his /her way to apologize -from the heart & vow to not do this again. Very important.

lost2010

I am the same way. After arguing (MS?) I have a hard time getting out of that bleh feeling you get when you argue. It stays with me for a bit. Usually my husband is raring to go, very touchy feely and kissy. That's just not me. I am also not very touchy feely in general, I acn be, but not an ALL THE TIME thing. My husband is the opposite, wants to grope, make out and all constantly- sometimes that's even what we fight about and there is something about fighting over sex that kinda puts me out of the mood lol I don't understand why it wouldn't anyone.

madimoff

Not sure who you're (lost) agreeing with..... !! OH apparently used to use/understand/whatever making up sex; almost certainly it's more me than him, but this seems impossible at least partly because of my childhood experience that parents (separated) only argue then never are lovey dovey; whereas his folks were verbally & physically abusive then he'd see them re-appear after a long physical make-up sesson. Even remembers that his mum would reappear covered with lovebites. (good thing my memory's cr*p or I'd have problems whenever I see her!!!!!!)

So..... if you've had an unpleasant wordy disagreement including bad names etc., can/do you make love to make up?

lost2010

madimoff- There are time when we can and do have the make up afterwards, but a lot of times I can't.

I guess I can stem that back to my own parents as (now that I actually think back on it.) My dad was a truck driver, and then usually when he would come home there was fighting and not really any lovey stuff. I never really thought about it that way. Just assumed it was the type of person I am or something, not able to let the emotional go so easily. I always (well usually) tell my husband that it's not like I have a switch that I can flip frmo being sad or upset to happy and in the mood. I have to take time to process, deal and get over.

I meant that I agreed on having a hard time getting over the arguments also.

Red_Riding_Hood

I can relate to not being in the mood after a fight. I'm either still sad/mad/upset and I haven't gotten a real apology, or If I'm feeling better I'm just NOT in a sexual mood... It's more like I want to cuddle and be lovey dovey, but I need it in a more emotional way, not sexual. But I think I just have problems, lol

76Trombones

I told my husband upfront, years before we married that if he tried to have sex with me after a fight I would kick his ass. Lol. Not literally but I would not be a happy camper. He hasn't tried once but I get the impression that he isn't the "Makeup sex"type of person. I don't know the reasons behind it but I could not bring myself to do that.. I don't know why. Seems a bit.. offensive? Or something. But I hear a lot of people who have hot makeup sex and they love it. Each to their own I guess.

76Trombones

Oh I forgot to add (in case its relevant) that my parents rarely fought. Or if they did it was quiet and they did it away from us, the kids. So I dunno if that has anything to do with it.

okeydokie

the hottest encounters my wife and i have ever had are after a major fight. those types of fights are very rare (every two years) and are usually the result of a build up of resentment. i only wish my wife felt like having that kind of encounter more often, its fun for both of us and i really dont understand why its soo very infrequent and needs to be prompted by fighting.

she is a horrible fighter, debater or whatever you want to call it. i ususally have my ducks in a row and reel stuff off one after another, she rarely has any substance to her anger or feelings. its as if she is just angry to be angry. i look to those "discussions" to find out what i need to give to her, what i need to work on to help the marriage improve, and she has nothing.

63Vino

I cant really do "it" either IF im seriously mad...

not sure what cob is... but doesnt sound pleasant.

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