How do I tell him that I need more?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-10-2010, 04:22 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How do I tell him that I need more?

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Any help/advise is appreciated.

I am married, and a mother of 2. My husband and I used to have a great sex life. We would openly talk about what we liked/disliked, how we "needed" each other...etc etc.

Within the last year or so, its all gone down hill. We have sex maybe 3 times a month? Never anything fun...just the basic "I'm horny, so come here". No foreplay (not usually anyway).

I am a VERY sexual person. It seems like its always on my mind. Whenever I try to talk to him about it, he immediately changes the subject, and wants nothing to do with whatever I was talking about.

I have certain fantasies, that I KNOW he would never do. Nor do I think I could ask him to do. Its to the point that I am really unhappy though. I love him, and I couldn't imagine my life without him...but I feel like this is seriously causing a problem in our marriage.

What do I do? I have tried everything I can think of. I have tried to talk to him about it. I have tried reading books, and offering to show him. I have tried to text/chat with him so he could be more "comfortable".

I just think its CRAZY that our biggest problem is ME wanting more sex. I am sick to death of asking/begging for sexual attention.
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Old 03-10-2010, 04:36 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell him that I need more?

ni needy wife..

congratulations on being yet another wife on tam who has a higher sex drive than husband... from the rest of us... let me just say ...you suck!!!

hahah

Have you told him about the fantasies?
I will tell you that THAT by itself really brings intimacy...
In addition, it fosters openess in other areas of life... TRUST comes from sharing things that are deep inside.

As that trust builds..so does the ability to communicate virtually anything.
Do you tease him? Tell him dirty things you want him to do you you or you him?
Dont take for granted he would not like your fantasies.... we (sexes) can be equally twisted.... i have been suprised about the things i was scared to death to divulge and they ended up being LOADS of fun.. Even if you you both dont want to enact the fantasy...talking about it especially during sex or acting it out is HOT!!!!

You will have to go out on that limb first im guessing tho...

good luck,,,, now GO AWAY

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Old 03-10-2010, 04:47 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell him that I need more?

Here is my direct suggestion:

"Dear Hubby I am sick to death of asking/begging for sexual attention. When we married, I committed to you and you alone for a lifetime, and I trusted in you and only you to meet my sexual needs. I love you, and I couldn't imagine my life without you...but I feel like this is seriously causing a problem in our marriage.

I have tried everything I can think of. I have tried to talk to you about it. I have tried reading books, and offering to show you. I have tried to text/chat with you so you could be more "comfortable" and so far nothing has worked. I am unhappy enough that it makes our marriage vulnerable to an affair.

I would like to ask that we agree to have sex three times a week--on Mondays I initiate, on Thursdays you initiate, and on weekends we have a loving date and spend time together all day and end the day with making love. I'm no longer willing to settle for 'I'm horny so let me get off on you' sex because I want you, I want passion for you, and I want you to make love to me. Are you willing to make that agreement? If not, what agreement do you propose--because ignoring it will no longer work for me? We are addressing it now, and from this conversation I will decide how and if our marriage will proceed
."

Now I realize it's a little blunt and direct but you know...guys are sometimes that way. Sometimes they need the straightforward, say it right out, fry-pan to the head approach. If you say it right out like that and you know for a fact he is crystal clear about what you want but he's not willing to even discuss it or negotiate, then it's time to consider other steps.

If he gets the idea it can not be ignored anymore and offers something back, then you two can just out the details (like he says "No 3 times a month is better for me--you could counter with twice a week...once a week and weekend making out and seal the deal) and then you can watch to see if he honors the agreement. If he gets the idea it can't be ignored but tries to change the topic or refuses to discuss it, then you know his answer--he has no intention to change or address it. If he will not address it or will not honor the agreement that's when you decide what you will do about it.

My guess would be that he may have some needs that aren't being met (like admiration) and that affects his desire. So maybe for your first weekend spending all day together leading to making love, fill out this quiz--you do one and he does one: Love Kindlers Questionnaire.
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Old 03-10-2010, 05:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell him that I need more?

Communication,trusting and rebonding is the key, I have been married going on 11 years and we have one child. Life goes by so fast and you dont realize whats being done to a marriage until you lose that connection with each other, H and I went through alot the past 3 years there was alot of not talking, telling each other how we felt and my sex drive was LOW etc now that I look back on it I feel awful and should have never done this to my H about a month ago we sat down and just let it all out talked for a long time we since have now reconnected and things are GREAT and in the bed so hang in there and sit him down and talk and tell each other how you feel but dont argue about it just open up to each other. Hope this helps some
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Old 03-10-2010, 10:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell him that I need more?

AC,
I really like the way you approach this stuff. I agree the blunt style of communication is best. I also think she needs to ask him a question and he damn well needs to answer it:

What kinds of things can I do to slowly "get" you in the mood when you start out "not" in the mood?

Maybe it is a back massage - maybe a shower together - maybe an inner thigh and butt massage - maybe a back scratch - who the hell cares - there is definitely SOMETHING that will get any man aroused. And he needs to totally stop any porn/manual over ride activities until this problem is solved. Masturbation when your wife is feeling unloved is a type of solo-infidelity - you are cheating on her - with yourself.

The whole idea of letting the other person get you in the mood is the key to our happy sex life. My wife rarely starts out in the mood but is pretty much ALWAYS willing to let me gently warm her up. IMO - This whole idea of - "I am not in the mood so leave me alone" - is very destructive to a marriage.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Affaircare View Post
Here is my direct suggestion:

"Dear Hubby I am sick to death of asking/begging for sexual attention. When we married, I committed to you and you alone for a lifetime, and I trusted in you and only you to meet my sexual needs. I love you, and I couldn't imagine my life without you...but I feel like this is seriously causing a problem in our marriage.

I have tried everything I can think of. I have tried to talk to you about it. I have tried reading books, and offering to show you. I have tried to text/chat with you so you could be more "comfortable" and so far nothing has worked. I am unhappy enough that it makes our marriage vulnerable to an affair.

I would like to ask that we agree to have sex three times a week--on Mondays I initiate, on Thursdays you initiate, and on weekends we have a loving date and spend time together all day and end the day with making love. I'm no longer willing to settle for 'I'm horny so let me get off on you' sex because I want you, I want passion for you, and I want you to make love to me. Are you willing to make that agreement? If not, what agreement do you propose--because ignoring it will no longer work for me? We are addressing it now, and from this conversation I will decide how and if our marriage will proceed
."

Now I realize it's a little blunt and direct but you know...guys are sometimes that way. Sometimes they need the straightforward, say it right out, fry-pan to the head approach. If you say it right out like that and you know for a fact he is crystal clear about what you want but he's not willing to even discuss it or negotiate, then it's time to consider other steps.

If he gets the idea it can not be ignored anymore and offers something back, then you two can just out the details (like he says "No 3 times a month is better for me--you could counter with twice a week...once a week and weekend making out and seal the deal) and then you can watch to see if he honors the agreement. If he gets the idea it can't be ignored but tries to change the topic or refuses to discuss it, then you know his answer--he has no intention to change or address it. If he will not address it or will not honor the agreement that's when you decide what you will do about it.

My guess would be that he may have some needs that aren't being met (like admiration) and that affects his desire. So maybe for your first weekend spending all day together leading to making love, fill out this quiz--you do one and he does one: Love Kindlers Questionnaire.
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Old 03-10-2010, 11:26 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell him that I need more?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363 View Post
... "What kinds of things can I do to slowly "get" you in the mood when you start out "not" in the mood?"
B-I-N-G-O!!

After waking up too early, stumbling into the shower, throwing coffee into a travel mug, commuting to work, mentally or physically putting in 8 hours or more, commuting home, making dinner, doing dishes, and THEN having to tackle household chores... NO ONE "feels like" putting forth the energy to have sex. I mean the way we live here in the USA is crazy!

But I think the difference for those who have a fulfilling sex life and those who don't is that even when we admit we may not be "in the mood" that moment...we are willing to be put into the mood. And hey I can testify, one thing that turns me on a lot is smell and if the smell is "ripe" after a long day at work it's not always that sexy, sweaty kind of smell. Soooooo... that's a perfect lead in to "How about if we shower together honey? I'll be your loofah!" It's sexy--it's relaxing--and that smell thing is clean and fresh and yummy!

So with MEM!
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Old 03-11-2010, 10:08 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell him that I need more?

All great advise, If your SO is not satisfying your needs and you tell him your going to get your needs met some place eles then its not an affair. Its only and affair if you dont tell them your going to get them met some place elese.

When you got married you had assumed he was going to fill your sexual needs its your right to have your needs met. He is very much risking an affair.

Read the book his needs her needs how to affair proof your marriage.
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Old 03-11-2010, 12:35 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell him that I need more?

WHOA NELLIE!!

This is an important NOTE! Please note that in my wording what I said was: "I am unhappy enough that it makes our marriage vulnerable to an affair. " This does not mean: "Do it my way or I'm threatening you with n affair" because that is extremely disrespectful! Neither does it mean: "If you don't do it my way I am going to have sex with other men." Nope far from it!!! It means that due to his actions not meeting this important Love Kindler, the marriage is really exposed and either one of them could easily be very tempted.

Just to be clear--I do not in any way agree with the statement:
Quote:
If your SO is not satisfying your needs and you tell him your going to get your needs met some place else then its not an affair. Its only and affair if you dont tell them your going to get them met some place else.
My very first article was "What is an affair" and in summary here's the definition: "...being UN-faithful--having an affair--might rather accurately be defined as acting in a way so that affection and loyalty are not committed and dedicated to a private person to whom loyalty is due; not adhering to promises (vows)." It would most definitely be outside the bounds of committing and dedicating affection and loyal to her husband alone if she were to have sex with someone else.

If he refuses to discuss it, or refuses to negotiate sex enough that it is satisfactory to both of them--then I would suggested "the next step" which in my mind would be counseling with the pastor or marital counseling...or honoring her vow in another way by having Love Kindler#2 met in a HUGE way. Yes, you still miss sex but if #2, 3, and 4 were met it would help. If her husband were wounded or ill and unable to ever have sex, I would not encourage her to have sex elsewhere--I'd encourage her to have #2, 3, and 4 met and creatively think of some way to include him while meeting sex maybe manually with him or something like that.

So no--I do not advise stepping outside the marriage. That ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYSmakes things worse.
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Last edited by Affaircare; 03-11-2010 at 12:41 PM.
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Old 03-11-2010, 03:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell him that I need more?

Thanks for all the responses.
Affaircare, I really liked your letter, but the first thing I thought was that the comment about "being vulnerable to an affair" would SO NOT fly. He is a pretty jealous person, and any talk of an affair would send him over the deep end. Not to mention, I would not stoop that low. Yes, our marriage seems to be suffering because of the lack of sex/sex play (in my eyes anyway, he seems completely content)...I would never cheat on him. I married him because I love him, I couldn't hurt him like that.
So with that said...I'm still at a loss. He has told me in the past that he is not comfortable with his body. So that probably has a lot to do with this. I think he is the sexiest man, and I tell him that all the time. But I cant help but feel rejected every time he turns me down. I have taken the "blunt" approach, but that means nothing.
Ahhhh...I dont know what to do!
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Old 03-11-2010, 03:09 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell him that I need more?

MEM & AC,
You guys are great! Blunt but respectful is definitely the way to go here. After 20+ years of marriage I went that way simply out of frustration & was (and continue to be) amazed amazed at how it has re-connected my wife and me in so many ways.

However, on thing I would add/clarify about this whole thing is that a prerequisite to all of this bluntness could be a mindset change on the part of the sexually frustrated spouse. For me the single biggest factor that contributed to my being unsatisfied for so many years was the simple belief (on some psychological level) that my need for sex wasn't really all that much of a "need"....and certainly not one that my wife had any "responsibility" to meet. This manifested itself by my attacking the problem in all of the wrong ways for a LONG time.

I think for some people, the starting point is the realization that, as a married person, it's your right to expect a certain amount of sexual satisfaction. And if your spouse is not working with you on the issues that are standing in the way, then they are in breach of their marital vows.
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Old 03-11-2010, 03:16 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell him that I need more?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Needy_Wife View Post
Thanks for all the responses.
Affaircare, I really liked your letter, but the first thing I thought was that the comment about "being vulnerable to an affair" would SO NOT fly. He is a pretty jealous person, and any talk of an affair would send him over the deep end. Not to mention, I would not stoop that low. Yes, our marriage seems to be suffering because of the lack of sex/sex play (in my eyes anyway, he seems completely content)...I would never cheat on him. I married him because I love him, I couldn't hurt him like that.
So with that said...I'm still at a loss. He has told me in the past that he is not comfortable with his body. So that probably has a lot to do with this. I think he is the sexiest man, and I tell him that all the time. But I cant help but feel rejected every time he turns me down. I have taken the "blunt" approach, but that means nothing.
Ahhhh...I dont know what to do!
Obviously, I do not know your situation but I would think it makes sense to do SOMETHING to send him near the deepend at least.

People would burn alive in a house fire if not for the discomfort created by the heat.
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Old 03-11-2010, 03:38 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell him that I need more?

Right I agree. A certain amount of flames beneath the heiney is needed here.

I can not tell you how many loyal spouses I've spoken with who have said to me: "If only I had known how serious it was! I never, ever thought they would leave me over something like this!" or words to that effect.

See Needy_Wife I do suggest mentioning that his actions (or lack of willingness to address this) do in fact leave the marriage vulnerable to an affair for a very important reason. Lots of people get in a mindset of "Oh it could never happen to us. We love each other (etc.)" and then get completely comfortably lazy in their relationship. And what will be uncomfy for him to realize is that by avoiding this and denying this--he is setting up himself and the marriage for HEARTACHE!

I know you think "well I would never do that" and yet I can guarantee you that in the right circumstances you would. Not on purpose! You'd be doing your best to live with it and deal with it, and then some guy in a college class or even a man in bible study would make comments about your looks, or "accidentally" brush by and linger in his touch... and without meaning to you'd think about it and think about him. Then one of you would have an excuse to call A LOT...and slip there ya go. Unwillingness to address this does in fact leave both of you vulnerable. That doesn't mean it *WILL* happen...just that grease has been added to a slope that's already slippery.

So you'd be doing him a big favor and doing the most loving thing you can do to let him know that if he continues to act like this, he is creating an environment that is RIPE for an affair. Now, he's an adult and makes his own choices. He may choose to continue to ignore it and set you in a place of danger...and that in no way decreases your responsibility to guard yourself...but if you know he would rather leave you vulnerable than face his own issues, then that gives YOU information you need so you can make YOUR choices.

See what I mean?
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Old 03-11-2010, 04:00 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell him that I need more?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 63Vino View Post
ni needy wife..

congratulations on being yet another wife on tam who has a higher sex drive than husband... from the rest of us... let me just say ...you suck!!!

hahah

Have you told him about the fantasies?
I will tell you that THAT by itself really brings intimacy...
In addition, it fosters openess in other areas of life... TRUST comes from sharing things that are deep inside.

As that trust builds..so does the ability to communicate virtually anything.
Do you tease him? Tell him dirty things you want him to do you you or you him?
Dont take for granted he would not like your fantasies.... we (sexes) can be equally twisted.... i have been suprised about the things i was scared to death to divulge and they ended up being LOADS of fun.. Even if you you both dont want to enact the fantasy...talking about it especially during sex or acting it out is HOT!!!!

You will have to go out on that limb first im guessing tho...

good luck,,,, now GO AWAY

No, I have not told him about the fantasies. I get embarrassed even thinking about them. We have never really had any kinkiness in the bedroom, so I know this would be over the top.
I tease him all the time, and most of the time he pushes me away. I am constantly telling him dirty things I want him to do for me/to me/to him...but like I said, he immediately changes the subject. For example...the other day I was hinting to him that I wanted to have anal sex. Its been forever, and I missed it. I know he likes to do it...but the second I finally came out and said "I want you to **** my ass", he said "Oh, Mike said he was going to stop by and get those books from us tonight".
Or, the other night, I shaved myself bare. I climbed up on top of him and started teasing him by rubbing myself on him...he kept flipping through the channels as if I were just sitting in bed with him. (Sorry if all that was TMI).

It makes me feel stupid, and I am sick of feeling this way. I have always been a confident woman, but the more and more he turns me down, the lower I am feeling about myself.
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Old 03-11-2010, 04:39 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell him that I need more?

I would say immediately, tonight, tell him!

"I want YOU to be the man that fulfills my everything...but I don't know what more I can do" is good. Say these exact words and tell him that based on his response tonight you will be making your choices about how to proceed in this marriage.

See, here's the thing. By *not* addressing it he is actually giving you an answer--just probably not one you want to hear. He's saying "I do not intend to change at all. In fact, I won't even address considering the possibility." So if you are blunt and straight-forward tonight and tell him right out that he's creating an environment that leaves your marriage vulnerable to an affair...and that you are trying to save him from being hurt by telling him right now that it's not okay with you and continuing to ignore it may well lead to heartache. Then if he STILL will not address it...well then you have your answer.

Be just that blunt tonight. Don't be afraid--speak right up and tell him for his own good and the good of the marriage. Pray ahead of time that he'll have a soft heart willing to hear your request. Ask for what would work for you and see what he says.

If he avoids it tonight and you gave it your best, blunt shot then come back and we'll discuss step two okay?
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Old 03-11-2010, 05:10 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Needy_Wife View Post
No, I have not told him about the fantasies. I get embarrassed even thinking about them. We have never really had any kinkiness in the bedroom, so I know this would be over the top.
I tease him all the time, and most of the time he pushes me away. I am constantly telling him dirty things I want him to do for me/to me/to him...but like I said, he immediately changes the subject. For example...the other day I was hinting to him that I wanted to have anal sex. Its been forever, and I missed it. I know he likes to do it...but the second I finally came out and said "I want you to **** my ass", he said "Oh, Mike said he was going to stop by and get those books from us tonight".
Or, the other night, I shaved myself bare. I climbed up on top of him and started teasing him by rubbing myself on him...he kept flipping through the channels as if I were just sitting in bed with him. (Sorry if all that was TMI).

It makes me feel stupid, and I am sick of feeling this way. I have always been a confident woman, but the more and more he turns me down, the lower I am feeling about myself.
I gotta say that I don't get this. Hell, I have never understood how women could have a low libido so I sure as hell cant see how a man can be this way, I really cannot.
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