Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave?????? And how do I do it????
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-11-2010, 07:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave?????? And how do I do it????

So, you may have already read my other post "Is it time to give up" well now I need some more advice. Even though I have moved out of the bedroom things haven't gotten any better. Hubby is still as complacent as ever and doesn't appear to be in any hurry to change. Things have been nice between us, no arguing or tension, so yesterday I took the day off, cleaned the house. Got dressed into clothes he likes, skirt and low cut top, made dinner and generally was loving. For my efforts, I got a big fat nothing..... I tried to initiate sex with him and got blown off again "Aww Sash, no" is what he said "on the weekend" (again, nothing will happen on the weekend cause he will be to tired). So I then saw red, got extremely angry and pissed off and am really wondering why I bother.

Some of you have said about the resentment, well I am feeling that now. I am resentful that I am trapped, I can't go out and pick up a guy and bring him home for the night. I am resentful that I can't sit and relax in my own home. I don't want to sit and watch TV with him yet I want to watch the programs he is watching (sounds stupid I know). I want to have fun but I also don't want to always have to go out and do it. I resent that I am still doing the majority of the work at home, cooking, cleaning, washing and working full time while he whinges that he's tired. I'm not bad looking, I might not be the skinniest person out there but I still have a figure and I am only 38 with no kids so why am I sitting at home every night.

So my question is how do I go about leaving him. How do I go out and have sex with other men and have fun. I have a couple of male friends who would love to do it with me but are so principeled that they won't and that pisses me off too. How can guys say I'm lovely and would love to but don't. What am I doing wrong. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this guys, please give me some advice
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Old 03-11-2010, 07:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave?????? And how do I do it????

You can't be approaching your male friends for sex and get angry at them for turning you down since you are married!

If you are that deprived at home for affection you need a real heart to heart with your husband laying it all out.

And if he cannot be the man you want him to be, them leave him.

Only then do you try to be intimate with others.

he might just turn it around. Besides he his dodging you about sex, what do you think is the real reason he avoids sex?
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Old 03-11-2010, 11:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave?????? And how do I do it????

i may just get blasted for this but you can sign up for online dating websites. Or not even dating- that gets messy. there are sites where you can meet people that just want discreet sex. ive signed up for them before. never actually did it (im too afraid of STDs or unwanted pregnancy's) but it was fun to get mail and look around.

And you dont have to hide or lie about it to your H. you can tell him- or not. I told my H when i did it.
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Old 03-12-2010, 12:07 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave?????? And how do I do it????

I have thought about doing that but I am afraid of the meat market mentality. Even though I am very confident on the outside I have very low self esteme and would be scared that I wouldn't get any replies....I don't know, now I'm rambling.

Michzz.....I know your advice is well founded but I have done the talking, screaming, talking, discussing, ignoring, talking and everything else and still nothing....I love him and want to be with him but I don't want to be in a sexless marriage or if I am because he chooses to be then I should at least have the freedom to have an affair without backlash from him....when I push him he says I am selfish and not understanding but isn't he doing the same thing by not understanding my needs.....who's needs come first here???????
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Old 03-12-2010, 12:40 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave?????? And how do I do it????

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Originally Posted by SashaJ View Post
I have thought about doing that but I am afraid of the meat market mentality. Even though I am very confident on the outside I have very low self esteme and would be scared that I wouldn't get any replies....I don't know, now I'm rambling.
completely understand what you are saying. going on those sites is scary, but its like therapy. you have low self esteem and now is a good time to confront it. it will get your mind off your fights with your H. you'll have to do a little fighting with yourself, but at least you'll get something from it instead of frustration and depression. you'll start to see yourself as a women again.

and it will start to make you look at yourself. you will have to start confronting who you have become, both physically and emotionally. a little insecurity about whether someone would like you is a good thing, believe it or not.
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Old 03-12-2010, 02:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave?????? And how do I do it????

Sounds Like you have been through it too....are you and yours still together?????
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Old 03-12-2010, 05:34 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave?????? And how do I do it????

ya still together. been together five years, fighting for four and a half of those...lol. I lost my marbles for about three years when i gave my soul over to resentment. But things are much better between us.
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Old 03-12-2010, 05:39 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave?????? And how do I do it????

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I have thought about doing that but I am afraid of the meat market mentality.
This is your mentality also. You have nothing to be afraid of.
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Old 03-12-2010, 06:27 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave?????? And how do I do it????

Yes, lack of sex is a good enough reason to leave and I almost did just that (or was seriously considering an affair). I feel for you, I've been there.

I was in a sexless (and I mean NO sex at all) marriage for 6 years. My husband had (probably still has) some deep seated resentment towards me (he told me he didn't love me anymore and hadn't for a long time). He said he was just staying for our child. I guess I was putting up with it for our child too. Just recently I reached the end of my rope and started repeatedly bringing up the subject. I learned that screaming and dismissing his feelings or defending myself was not the way to go in our talks. When I started validating his words and reacting thoughtfully and calmly, our discussions about our lack of intimacy became more productive. However, the lack of sex and intimacy never changed. I started bringing up the D word and talked about an affair. I know myself, and knew that if I had an affair I would not find my way back to my husband - I told him that. He knew that I had one foot out the door - I told him that too. I thought it was over.

And then something changed. I'm not sure if it was something I said or if he just decided that breaking up his family was too high a price to pay - but we've had sex twice in 3 days. I'm happy and hopeful for now. So far, I'm the initiator but at least he's not rejecting me. I know we still have lots of issues to work through but it's a whole lot easier to do when your needs are being met.

I wish you the best, I totally feel your pain. Just know that if you do go down the road of having an affair you most likely will not find your way back to your husband. Your H most likely has some resentment or lack of desire for you that he isn't voicing. My H didn't want to "hurt my feelings". You've got to get to the root of that no matter how painful or there is really no hope between you and your H.

Last edited by unloved; 03-12-2010 at 06:33 AM.
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Old 03-12-2010, 07:19 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave?????? And how do I do it????

Well noiw he's been to the chiropractor...that was going to be the fix for everything....but now he has to wait till Mondayto go back and discuss the results...its always a waiting game....always tomorrow or a couple of days
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Old 03-12-2010, 07:27 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave?????? And how do I do it????

I'll answer your question in 3 parts:

1. Psychologically.

Yes, it's a good enough reason to live. You are "mates" and should be mating. Sex is a vital part of a marriage. . .not maybe necessary if both parties agree, but nonetheless vital. It makes the other partner feel desired, it's an act of bonding, and it's an expression of affection.

2. Legally

Lack of sex/refusing sex is legal grounds for divorce in most states.

3. Religiously

From what I read of Catholic Doctrine, for a marriage to be valid, it must be in a constant state of "consummation" and not having sex/mating is legitimate grounds for annulment, given the right conditions. I am not sure of other religoius doctrine but I would imagine most religions would frown upon sexless marriages.

I have heard all the excuses too - you don't make enough money was the biggest (working 2 jobs), I can't feel it, hormones are messed up, oh the kids are a lot of work, the house isn't clean enough (this is a popular female one - the dirt behind the refridgerator is turning me off), yadda, yadda, yadda.

No excuse above changes the above 3 points. It's supposed to be a joy of marriage, not a chore.

Now. . .the affair thing. . .you could say I am having an affair right now in that I am divorcing, and still officially married (but out of the house almost a year). It's not all it's cracked up to be. I would recommend severing ties before finding sex. You can read my thread below if you want and chime in if you want.

I will say "not-in-love" sex is better than no sex (only speaking as a guy). SO don't get me wrong - I am glad I have a sex life again (irregularly even - maybe 2-3x/month). But you'll maybe find just having another partner doesn't quite scratch that itch you are looking for when you aren't in love.

Of course, an affair could be love and sex, I guess but I think it can become a house of cards.

Good luck with whatever.
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Old 03-12-2010, 07:41 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave?????? And how do I do it????

SashaJ,

I can understand your frustration. Unless I missed your answer somewhere, I haven't seen a reply to the post regarding why you think he is avoiding sex with you? Do you have any thoughts on this since you are probably the best one to answer this? Are you physically as attractive as when you met, for me, speaking from mans perspective, if my wife was to put on considerable weight for example, I know it would impact my sex drive for her, I get horny if I just look at her when she wearing something nice/tight, and I don't mean if she put on 10 lbs or something as we age, but if she gained, like 50 lbs or more and didn't have the curves that she had, right or wrong, I am very visual, I know it would impact my sex drive, would still love her, but sex would suffer. I don't mean to pry, your post indicates that you are not the skinniest ,skinny or not, have you changed significantly physically since you met I think is probably the question I should ask. If not, then I suspect this is not an issue.

That aside, for me, lack of sex was an issue and I let my wife dictate this too long and hold back sex too long before I took back the reins on this and I laid in on the line, in that the once a week if lucky and only when she really is up to it, and oral sex was like pulling teeth compared to the past and it was not going to fly any more, and that I have always wanted more sex in our marriage with her(at least past 5 years since the kids it really dropped off), but had been satisfying myself to compensate and said if it was her plan to keep this the way they were, I was cashing out, period. This may work with some and not others, my wife knows I am not a bluffer when I a serious,so if I am doing something, I will do it, other wise is it an empty threat. I has improved to at least 3- 4 times a week now for the past few months and when she tried to play it down a few times, I called her on it. I just got to the point where I did not want spend the rest of my life with someone who was not willing to have sex with me or thought it was ok to deprive me of it. That was one area where she has improved greatly now, and with the advise that I sought few months ago on this forum, I also took actions to help built our romance up again and now make it a bi weekly commitment to arrange baby sitting and make reservations to a nice restuarant, particularly one that we like that has live bands with dancing for grown ups (were in our 40's) and have seen this area of our romance improve as well, I must admit, I was not spending the quality time I should have been with her and changed that too and this has made the sex better as well.

Hope you are able to find a way to make it better.
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Old 03-13-2010, 03:02 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave?????? And how do I do it????

Thanks Jdack. My weight has gone up but not considerably. I still have nice curves just got a bit more "junk in the trunk".

If you ask my hubby why we arn't having sex he comes out with ALLLLLL the excuses from I'm tired to not yet but on the weekend. Ha. I am so pissed off with this. He says he needs more time but how much time do I give him. Nothing has improved. We are going out tonight and on Thursday when I tried to come on to him he said wait till we go out...I know it would happen and guess what it's not going to. He has come home from golf and is sitting on the couch complaining how much his back hurts and how tired he is. This is what he does when he is backed into a corner that he can't find a reasonable excues for. He knows that when we come home I will be expecting sex so he is setting it up so he has an excuse. You may think I'm being heartless but remember I am living with this day in day out and it has been going on now for at least 2 if not 3 years. I know all his little tricks. its pathetic really.

You know, I am typing this and all that is going through my head is why the hell bother. Don't really give a **** anymore. But just by saying that it must mean I still do. I know he loves me but is it really love if you aren't willing to put yourself out of your comfort zone for the other person. Aren't willing to push that little bit harder. Maybe I should just leave. I have gotten to comfortable with this life and its time to shake things up a little afterall nothing else seems to change anything.
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Old 03-13-2010, 05:52 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave?????? And how do I do it????

Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave??????
YES


And how do I do it????
Explain to him that sex is not simply sex, its an integral component of a loving relationship. Without it, you dont feel the love, and certainly without much else. You ask him if he wants to stay married and if yes will he go to counseling to help uncover and resolve the issues. If you get refusal or resistance you go get in the pre-packed car, and drive away.

not kidding.
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Old 03-13-2010, 06:31 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave?????? And how do I do it????

Of course it's a good enough reason to leave.
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