lola1978

Well I have found out some news that might shed a little light onto the subject here.

I ran into an old friend of my husband's and mine last night and he told me he needed to talk to me. He told me that I shouldn't feel badly about what I had done, because my husband was having an affair for around a year or so prior to everything going on now. Now I would not be inclined to just listen to what someone says, but he was able to prove it. Really prove it.
Now, I had thought before my husband was having an affair with this woman. Somewhere inside of me, I felt it. His behavior with her was totally off the wall and I had lots of people telling me he was sleeping with her. But he kept telling me "no, he was faithful, I should trust my husband, etc, etc". Now before everyone thinks I am neurotic and was jumping to conclusions about "knowing", he always acted differently about this woman, and their cars were seen (multiple times) driving to secluded spots in the woods, where then she would leave her car and get into his they would drive even farther and then stop for awhile, and always very late at night. (I live in a place where there are eyes everywhere). I had confronted him about this and his excuse was that she had needed to talk to someone and they were friends. I'm sorry, but that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Especially when he had no problem going to her house late and in the middle of the night when her husband was away, the "field trips" were always when her husband was home.
Anyway, even all this "knowing" was not the same as being shown undeniable evidence. I felt like I had been punched in the face. I confronted my husband when we got home, and shocker - he still denies it, wants to know who told me what, and brings up my indiscretion and basically how grateful I should be to have a husband that wants to forgive me because a lot of husbands would have left.
This is the things for me - he committed adultery when the marriage was good (at least I thought except for the lack of sex and affection that always upset me so much) and I was always here for him emotionally, sexually, or any other way he needed. My affair was no less wrong, but mine was done out of desperation because my husband wouldn't touch me, I felt rejected, and since I "knew" he was having an affair, I had the mentality that 'why should I have to go without'. And before I did what I did I pleaded with him for months to go to marriage counseling, told him there were problems, even told him I was so frustrated that I was ready to have an affair, and the most insulting of everything is that I asked him did he want an open marriage?!?! He said no, but the whole time was screwing around with this other woman!! I was giving him free reign to sleep with someone else if I could to and he was adamant about that being the worst suggestion I had. So it was pretty much for him that he could do whatever he wanted as long as I didn't!!!
And now that he wants to make our marriage work I have had to suffer through all his guilt trips and do everything possible to make up to him what I did wrong and the whole time he is doing this to me, he knew that he had committed what I think is to be an even worse sin. Even now, he said I just am so anxious to believe that it is true so that I can feel less guilty. I asked him just to admit it, he did it, I did it, we're "even" let's work on the marriage from here with all our cards on the table. He won't admit it (I don't really need him to, I saw enough with my own eyes). For some reason he seems determined to keep up his lie, and to make me feel I have to pay penance for my wrongs.
I don't get it. This whole thing just seems evil to me. Is there maybe something else going on that I am missing? Why is he so intent upon punishing me and making like he is the bigger person when the reasons for his affair (I think) are worse than mine?
Sorry to go on so long, I am just very angry and I feel so hurt and betrayed. Even now he won't go to marriage counseling, he says I am the one with all the problems, I need to talk to someone. I just can't understand, for someone who says he wants to work the marriage out, why is he holding onto this lie?

unloved

He relinquishes the upper hand if he admits to his affair.

I feel so bad for you. It just keeps getting worse. Sounds like you have some pretty damning evidence. What a hypocrite! If he can't come clean and admit how wrong he's been then I'd say it's over.