Can sex lead him back to love?

unloved · 03-14-2010, 10:50 AM

So some of you know that I've had a completely sexless marriage for the last 6 years - his choice in the beginning, but after while I stopped even trying too (except maybe a few times a year where I was always rejected). We were both staying for our son. He has some deep seated resentment and anger toward me (long story) that caused him to fall out of love with me.

Recently, after reaching the end of my sexual rope, I told him either something needed to change or I was seeking a divorce or a discreet affair. The main issue I could see was him not letting go of his resentment. I've always loved him but was not willing to live this way anymore.

I approached him sexually one last time a few days ago, expecting to be rejected yet again but we ended up having sex for the first time in 6 years. Since then, we've had sex 2 more times with him initiating yesterday. It's been very hot sex but I get the feeling it's just that - hot sex, not making love.

Don't get me wrong, I'm over the moon for the hot sex thing and more than willing to do my part in keeping it hot. But I guess I want to know if having sex can lead him back to loving me again. I'm especially interested in the male perspective on this.

lola1978 · 03-14-2010, 11:19 AM

I am giving you the female perspective here, but maybe it will help. To answer your question, yes I think sex can lead him back to loving. If one of the main reasons you were not having sex with your husband is because of some anger and/or resentment on his part, then it stands to reason that if you are starting to have sex again (and he even initiated one time) then maybe he is letting go of some of that.
It could also be possible that when you gave him your ultimatum that he thought what all this was doing to you. Maybe it woke him up to the fact that while although he may be angry or resentful, was it enough to lose you?
In your case it seems like the return of sex may be a turning point in your marriage. And although I am sure it seems just like hot sex right now and not making love, it is very difficult (for both parties) to "instantly" forget the hurt, anger, resentment over the past several years and jump right into love making. Love making may very well take some time to return, but then any intimate act (talking openly, trusting, general affection) is always tough to revive at the beginning and usually is a process.
On a good note though, you said it was "very hot sex". This would indicate to me that there is, if nothing else right now, a good deal of passion in the bedroom. Generally there isn't hot sex with someone you are completely lackluster about. So even if it isn't as full of love as you like right now, it may very well lead back to that. At least that is my opinion.

Longtime Husband · 03-14-2010, 11:28 AM

Short answer is that I think that it certainly COULD lead him back to love. But then, I can't figure out how he was able to coexist with you for six freaking years w/o sex. Something seems really amiss there. One of the common things I've heard from several buddies of mine is how powerless they are when it comes to sex (i.e. many of us have tried to withhold sex from our wives over some dispute or whatever...but it just never works & if the wife initiates it's GAME OVER). So I really personally would need something better than "resented you enough to withhold sex for over half a decade, but not enough to leave you....that just doesn't pass the smell test.

Hell, normal dudes would almost consider sex with a sister over 6 years of celibacy.

artieb · 03-14-2010, 03:47 PM

I don't know the answer to your question, but I can tell you this: it probably won't drive him away.

unloved · 03-14-2010, 08:39 PM

lola - thanks for that well thought out response. I know the real intimacy has yet to return but I'm so much more happy and hopeful than I was just a week ago.

Longtime Husband - You're not the first person to question this. I really have had no reason to suspect him of cheating and trust me I've looked. All I discovered was a frequent porn habit. I admit to being curious about how he got through 6 yrs without sex but at this point I'm trying to just move forward.