Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 15Likes
Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-18-2010, 01:10 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 58
Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by toolate View Post
To add... I think if any of us ends up in divorce over this... and we go on match.com or something... we should explicitly state want someone who wants sex everyday, or is at least open to it. Controlling, manipulative individuals need not apply


I would think one would get alot of responses with that description.
unloved is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-18-2010, 03:53 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Europe
Posts: 632
Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
(snip)

She knows I love her - she knows that I am making an effort to have less sex with her. She also knows that I am NOT myself after day 5 - 5th day in a row without. When first married she would laugh and say I was edgy after missing ONE night.

And I would shrug and say - all that testosterone has a benefit and a cost. If you wanted a laid back guy - you had plenty of choices.
I don't think I missed the theme, I tried to explore a specific aspect of how men & women might view approaches to sex.... however sure, I accept in my relationship at present with so much friction my view of lovemaking as being easypeasy to start & resume is plain non-existent. I can't get to grips with your use of the word Job in sexual terms (nor particularly that it would be your job to provide finance, but hey....) however I understand the gist of most of the rest of your post. I stick by the notion that for a woman, disagreement can make quite a difference to how they feel mentally with regard to wanting to make love. (may not be relevant to OP of course)
final note: your last line could have been written by my OH

Last edited by madimoff; 03-18-2010 at 03:56 PM. Reason: messed up quoting!
madimoff is offline  
post #18 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-18-2010, 07:16 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 54
Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by madimoff View Post
I don't think I missed the theme, I tried to explore a specific aspect of how men & women might view approaches to sex.... however sure, I accept in my relationship at present with so much friction my view of lovemaking as being easypeasy to start & resume is plain non-existent. I can't get to grips with your use of the word Job in sexual terms (nor particularly that it would be your job to provide finance, but hey....) however I understand the gist of most of the rest of your post. I stick by the notion that for a woman, disagreement can make quite a difference to how they feel mentally with regard to wanting to make love. (may not be relevant to OP of course)
final note: your last line could have been written by my OH
The simple fact of the matter is that it REALLY IS each spouse's "job" to meet one-anothers' needs. You can argue that meeting needs in a marriage is not a job, but my response would always be, "how's that working for you. It took me 20 and a half years of marriage to figure this out, but once I did my relationship with my wife has take an immediate and amazing turn for the better. The key is to hold yourself and your spouse to an equally high standard in this area (which might take more courage, discipline, selflessness & passion than many people have or are willing to give to a marriage). It really is that simple.....however it becomes a complex topic from there as the process of "discovery" is a relatively easy one compared to developing the skill sets to put it into (and keep it into) action.

I'm still trying to develop the skills, but at least I'm now working with a better map than I used for the first 20+ years.

EDIT: To address the basic question of the OP, I would say that many marital problems could be solved/avoided by simply setting the standard of the couple DECIDING that they would always have sex twice per week minimum. More if mutually desired, but never less. If you think about it, couples would have to constantly be working upon almost every fundamental aspect of their relationship in order to even stand to keep consistent at 2x per week or more. As someone pointed out somewhere her before, lack of sex is not usually the problem, but a symptom of a deeper problem/problems.

Last edited by Longtime Husband; 03-18-2010 at 07:23 PM.
Longtime Husband is offline  
post #19 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-18-2010, 08:03 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 12
Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Yes. Anything lacking in a marriage is damaging. If one partner wants sex more than the other, and talking about it does not result in a satisfactory fix, it is very damaging.
RunnerGirl is offline  
post #20 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-19-2010, 10:12 PM
Member
 
63Vino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Italy
Posts: 654
Umm I'm not reading anything but thread title.

This is like asking do lack of wheel(s) makes car un-drivable
....Obviously, its an integral part OF relationship.
Posted via Mobile Device
63Vino is offline  
post #21 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-29-2010, 04:33 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 57
Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scannerguard View Post
Yup. . .I am not sure what it is with women and why when that wedding ring comes on, the sex frequency stops but it's a serious fear of mine about getting remarried.

I wish I had an explanation for you but this is common. I wish some women would talk openly about it and I am sorry. . .knowing there are very sexual women here. . .I just don't buy the "house is dirty", "the laundry needs done", or the "toddler was fussy today" stories anymore like I used to.

Guess what? The house is always a little bit of a mess, toddlers are always fussy and there is always laundry to be done.

While I can accept household disorder or life disorder driving down libido a little bit, honestly, I think this has become an "Oprah Club" misdirection for guys/husbands - a subtle way to use sex as a "commodity" to get you do things. I know it worked on me. . .the problem was I cooked, cleaned toilets, refridgerators, pantries, mopped the floor, scrubbed the bathroom tubs and showers, paid bills, took kids to doctor/dentists and never got the expected sex.

Ask her and just be on guard for the "Oprah answer."

haha i have never used an excuse about the house being a mess as not wanting sex, i dont get how that kind of stuff can have anything to do with sex. In saying that thou I have not slept with my husband for a couple of months but i dont use excuses like that. I have a high sexdrive but its just not for him anymore
kiwigirl is offline  
post #22 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-31-2010, 05:55 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 9
Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Well, I wondered the same thing...and I came to the conclusion that sex doesn't neccessarily GLUE a relationship together, but if you're not having any kind of intimacy, including sex, then you're just more like friends. What's the difference, really?

This is a good article that talks about '5 reasons why women shouldn't deprive their man of sex':

5 Reasons Why Women Shouldn’t Deprive their Man of Sex :The Feminine Woman

It talks about sex and relationships there. Hope this helps.
destinygirl is offline  
post #23 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-31-2010, 06:53 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: In a house, or in a clinic.
Posts: 660
Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

In a word yes. However, I would say sex is just one item that a mate will use in determining if a match is suitable or satisfying. For me it is a deal breaker, Stephen Hawking may feel differently. It doesn't matter that people disagree, only that partners agree.

What I'm saying, is ideally a relationship is evenly yoked in this regard. It seems I have read one thousand or so posts on TAM where the partner with the low sex drive controls the tempo of the relationship and that's not right.

I will definitely do a better job of "vetting" my next wife. If only I knew at 18 what I now know at 40. Youth may be wasted on the young, but wisdom is certainly wasted on the old.

LIL
lastinline is offline  
post #24 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-07-2010, 06:34 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 10
Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RunnerGirl View Post
Yes. Anything lacking in a marriage is damaging. If one partner wants sex more than the other, and talking about it does not result in a satisfactory fix, it is very damaging.
I completely agree. It's caused huge issues in my marriage, though it appears I'm the only one that sees it. It amazes me that my husband doesn't seem to notice the big difference between a happy and sexually satisified wife and where we are now.
mugglemom is offline  
post #25 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-14-2010, 12:29 PM
Member
 
SweetiepieMI's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 138
Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Just wondering if you have tried maybe being/doing something romantic for her just for the hell of it? And while you are being romantic, not bring up sex at all, or lead her to believe thats ur motive?
If u already answered this sry, i didnt read the entire thread, but sometimes you have to do something out of the ordinary- or a nice gesture and it will bring back those feelings that she had in the beginning.....
just an idea..........
SweetiepieMI is offline  
post #26 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-07-2010, 03:32 AM
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 9
Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

I think that it is a damaging thing as well. For sure, sex is not THE reason why you get married, but it just belongs there. If you love each other you will eventually end up having sex. :-) It's about being emotionally and physically close.
Men are usually more interested in the physical part and women maybe need the emotional part more often. It's a fine balancing act. Sadly enough, quite often it does not work out and you're out of balance. If it stays out of balance for too long, it sure is going to damage your relationship.
Getting the situation back to normal is the challenge...
Anancletos is offline  
post #27 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 04:50 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1
Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

A lot of woman like variety in the bedroom. Routines sexually can get very boring to them, and myself. Taking control sexually is also a turn on for a lot of woman. Instead of asking just take control, and show her u can plz her without her doing anything. If she says no, I am not in the mood. Don't get mad and don't automatically think she is not attracted to u. Getting mad just pressures her which will turn her off as well. The minute she senses insecurity or pressure u will get less sex then u had to begin with. She will most likely distance herself if either of these behaviors continues. That can turn into a vicious cycle so try not start it. Any type of non sexual stress a woman has, will reflect in her drive to sleep with u. Woman need more than just physical attraction to maintain sexual interest. Romance helps, light candles take her out to eat, be confident, be a partner, and its very important show interest in what she is doing in her life. Embrace her!!

Last edited by helixxer20; 03-12-2013 at 05:26 PM.
helixxer20 is offline  
post #28 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 07:51 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 296
Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

If you two don't even have kids yet and there's no sex, THAT'S BAD. If you eventually have a child with her, your sex life will be dead completely.

Sex is important in a marriage. If there is none, you're just roommates. If you like that arrangement, then go for it. If you don't, you have to put your foot down and demand it. Manning up would help her desire you more as well.
Adex is offline  
post #29 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-13-2013, 04:33 AM
Member
 
Rakkasan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 137
Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

I want to say that if you don't have kids then run from that marriage.

I liked in other thread when a wife gave her husband two business cards to call. One with a marriage counselor and one with a divorce attorney.

If you don't do anything it will get worse. And the marriage will fail.
Rakkasan is offline  
post #30 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-13-2013, 05:40 AM
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 13,856
Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Sex/Making Love....for me...is the highest & most rewarding pleasurable form of emotional bonding...

If it was taken from my marriage, I would slowly wither...and I would be looking over the fence...This is just being honest.. if Intercourse was no longer possible, there are other ways to express your love & enjoyment of each others bodies...some things you just NEED for happiness & fulfillment.

I do view it as the glue that holds so much of a marriage together... It may be less than 10% of a marriage but when missing, it FEELS like 90%.

I also wouldn't be able to deal with a partner lacking desire or even the slightest form of Sex = taking out the garbage, something to "get over with" just to please me. This would rip the Joy from my life & I'd turn into one of these nasty women where guys make jokes that..."she needs Laid".
SimplyAmorous is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Closed Thread

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Dysfunctional sex was more damaging than I thought! Wrench Considering Divorce or Separation 10 06-25-2013 05:54 PM
Help me break this damaging cycle called "affair." tigger01 General Relationship Discussion 4 08-31-2012 01:57 AM
Help -- relationship breakup due to lack of immediate action in "emergency situation" pablopable General Relationship Discussion 3 08-20-2011 12:07 PM
Lack of Sex meggin Sex in Marriage 24 11-28-2010 01:14 AM
It is official, great relationship, marriage, relationship fails cbw83 Going Through Divorce or Separation 13 07-29-2010 03:00 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome