Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-15-2010, 05:15 PM Thread Starter
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Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Hello

So first some background... I am mid 20s and have been with this girl for 5 years, married for 3 and we were friends for a long time before that.

For the first 18 months of our relationship we probably had sex just about every day then it kind of died down to maybe a few times a week.

I must admit I did expect that the frequency would die down.

But ever since we got married we have maybe had sex once or twice a month. It is usually (not always) quite passionless on her part, almost as if it is a chore (it was not like that before). For example this year I would say we have had sex 5 times and that was probably twice on two separate weekends and once during the week sometime.

Anyway, over the last 6 months I have found my self not even wanting to initiate sex just for the sake of having sex because it is simply no longer what it used to be.

There has been times during this last 6 months where it was good for maybe a few days (the sex and frequency of) and during those few days our relationship seems good, everyone is happy, we have fun, we enjoy each others company.

But outside those times it just feels like we are two people living together.

The other night I 'joked' that we rarely have sex and she said something along the lines of 'you cant be serious? you really think that dont you?' I was tired and didnt want to argue so I said of course not but she knows that wasnt true.

Anyway....

I guess the point of this wall of text, is simple, is sex the glue that holds the relationship together? Is that normal?

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post #2 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-15-2010, 05:40 PM
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Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Lack of sex when one person really wants it and the other person doesn't care to make the effort creates a LOT of unhappiness over time.

When a woman is REALLY into a guy powerful forces kick in:
- She feels more desire and
- Even when she isn't feeling lust, she IS feeling the desire to please him/bond him to her so she has sex with him
- Even lacking lust it makes her happy to make him happy

When a woman isn't that into a guy - she doesn't make the effort to please him sexually both in quantity and quality.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Macca86 View Post
Hello

So first some background... I am mid 20s and have been with this girl for 5 years, married for 3 and we were friends for a long time before that.

For the first 18 months of our relationship we probably had sex just about every day then it kind of died down to maybe a few times a week.

I must admit I did expect that the frequency would die down.

But ever since we got married we have maybe had sex once or twice a month. It is usually (not always) quite passionless on her part, almost as if it is a chore (it was not like that before). For example this year I would say we have had sex 5 times and that was probably twice on two separate weekends and once during the week sometime.

Anyway, over the last 6 months I have found my self not even wanting to initiate sex just for the sake of having sex because it is simply no longer what it used to be.

There has been times during this last 6 months where it was good for maybe a few days (the sex and frequency of) and during those few days our relationship seems good, everyone is happy, we have fun, we enjoy each others company.

But outside those times it just feels like we are two people living together.

The other night I 'joked' that we rarely have sex and she said something along the lines of 'you cant be serious? you really think that dont you?' I was tired and didnt want to argue so I said of course not but she knows that wasnt true.

Anyway....

I guess the point of this wall of text, is simple, is sex the glue that holds the relationship together? Is that normal?

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post #3 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-15-2010, 05:53 PM
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Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Yes, lack of sex is absolutely damaging. Take some time to read all the "sexless" stories on these forums. Your wife needs to know that if she continues to be selfish, she will drive you away. (but I wouldn't put it to her that way unless you like sleeping on the sofa )

You also need to make sure you aren't being selfish in return. She will be more likely to want to have sex with you if you tell her that you love her, that you think she is beautiful and sexy, that you admire x, y & Z about her. Thank her for small gestures and mundane tasks. Talk with her often about your dreams and fears. Cuddle with no expectations of sex. Do things together.

Be a little selfless for a while and focus on her - see if that doesn't reignite her desire.
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post #4 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-15-2010, 06:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Interesting points.

I guess the part that bothers me most is that I fear that if I bring this up in any shape or form it will just lead to sex for 'the sake of doing it'.
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post #5 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-15-2010, 08:36 PM
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Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Yup. . .I am not sure what it is with women and why when that wedding ring comes on, the sex frequency stops but it's a serious fear of mine about getting remarried.

I wish I had an explanation for you but this is common. I wish some women would talk openly about it and I am sorry. . .knowing there are very sexual women here. . .I just don't buy the "house is dirty", "the laundry needs done", or the "toddler was fussy today" stories anymore like I used to.

Guess what? The house is always a little bit of a mess, toddlers are always fussy and there is always laundry to be done.

While I can accept household disorder or life disorder driving down libido a little bit, honestly, I think this has become an "Oprah Club" misdirection for guys/husbands - a subtle way to use sex as a "commodity" to get you do things. I know it worked on me. . .the problem was I cooked, cleaned toilets, refridgerators, pantries, mopped the floor, scrubbed the bathroom tubs and showers, paid bills, took kids to doctor/dentists and never got the expected sex.

Ask her and just be on guard for the "Oprah answer."
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post #6 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-17-2010, 04:17 AM
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Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
(snip)
When a woman is REALLY into a guy powerful forces kick in:
- She feels more desire and
- Even when she isn't feeling lust, she IS feeling the desire to please him/bond him to her so she has sex with him
- Even lacking lust it makes her happy to make him happy
When a woman isn't that into a guy - she doesn't make the effort to please him sexually both in quantity and quality.
Quote:
Originally Posted by unloved View Post
(snip)
You also need to make sure you aren't being selfish in return. She will be more likely to want to have sex with you if you tell her that you love her, that you think she is beautiful and sexy, that you admire x, y & Z about her. Thank her for small gestures and mundane tasks. Talk with her often about your dreams and fears. Cuddle with no expectations of sex. Do things together.
Be a little selfless for a while and focus on her - see if that doesn't reignite her desire.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scannerguard View Post
(snip)........ the "Oprah answer."
Ok from my perspective: sure women (men for that matter) can sometimes be accused of giving a psychobabble talk show response, but essentially 'life' can and does get in the way, although some would say you have to LET it get in the way for it to make any difference.
I think unloved's point about cuddling with no expectations of sex, talking, etc. is key. The phrase 'for a while' could do with some amplification, though.......I suspect a woman might think 'for a while' could be anything from a couple of days to a couple of weeks, while a guy might think an hour would do the trick. Wrong.
As for MEM2020's little list, well fair enough it might seem that way on the surface, IF there aren't any harsh words, IF there's never any criticism, IF she can turn her heart/emotions off in order to fulfil her man's physical needs........
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post #7 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-17-2010, 04:35 AM
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Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Sex is important but the truth of the matter is that women and men see sex differently (and get aroused differently - men its more physical and for women its more mental).... could there be a reason that she doesnt seem as interested? It could even be something as simple as the time of day. Unfortuneatley everyday life sometimes gets in the way. It could just be her energy level.... my husband and I had the same problem until we realized that we just needed to alter our timing (and his approach a little bit) in order to get things going again.... It never seems to work out for us at bedtime but when 5 pm rolls around and he gives me that soft little kiss just under my ear, we end up behaving like we used to when we were first together.

There may be reasons she is feeling withdrawn or dispassionate that have nothing to do with you or her love or desire for you. My bet is she is feeling mentally/physically/emotinally worn down from something.... Talk to her - ask her if she needs anything, dont make it about sex. All us women really want is to feel appreciated and heard.... at least me anyways, when my mind is all consumed with everyday things sex just gets pushed to the end of the list... Find a way to help your wife with her "list" and maybe the sex wont feel so much like she is performing a "chore".... Good Luck
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post #8 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-17-2010, 04:46 AM
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Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

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Originally Posted by pokergirl007 View Post
Sex is important but the truth of the matter is that women and men see sex differently (and get aroused differently - men its more physical and for women its more mental).... could there be a reason that she doesnt seem as interested? It could even be something as simple as the time of day. Unfortuneatley everyday life sometimes gets in the way. It could just be her energy level.... my husband and I had the same problem until we realized that we just needed to alter our timing (and his approach a little bit) in order to get things going again.... It never seems to work out for us at bedtime but when 5 pm rolls around and he gives me that soft little kiss just under my ear, we end up behaving like we used to when we were first together.

There may be reasons she is feeling withdrawn or dispassionate that have nothing to do with you or her love or desire for you. My bet is she is feeling mentally/physically/emotinally worn down from something.... Talk to her - ask her if she needs anything, dont make it about sex. All us women really want is to feel appreciated and heard.... at least me anyways, when my mind is all consumed with everyday things sex just gets pushed to the end of the list... Find a way to help your wife with her "list" and maybe the sex wont feel so much like she is performing a "chore".... Good Luck
Sounds oh so similar to my feelings; Pretty please what do you mean by altering his approach a bit.... I could do with giving my OH some pointers!!!
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post #9 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-17-2010, 05:02 AM
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Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Hi, this normally happens when wife is feeling resentment towards husband. the reasons for the resentment could be any and many really...in my own experience i would suggest if husband wants more lovemaking with his wife, that he would be clean and ready at all times for that spontaneous time because this is important..planning is not always sexy...nor is the pressure..the more complaining to the wife the more she doesnt want to....thats my opinion anyway..
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post #10 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-17-2010, 11:57 AM
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Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

On the flip side to Crystal, this can also be a hormonal imbalance that causes the drop in sex drive. Did she start any kind of medication when the libido seemed to drop off? Birth Control, Depression meds etc could all have an impact on this.

An honest discussion about frequency with your wife might help. She may be able to shed some light on why her drive is lower and/or she may be willing to make more effort to have it more frequently. It certainly helped when I spoke with my wife about it. She's going through some issues with her 'girly parts' at the moment, which is why it got quite infrequent, but after a discussion she's at least up to helping release my tension even if she's not in the mood for reciprocation (which we must be willing to dole out too!)
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post #11 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-17-2010, 06:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

I can't really think of any medical reason why she might have a low(er) sex drive.

Also, I dont by this 'life gets in the way' crap, sure we all get busy and tired etc - but that gets tossed around as an excuse waaaay to often.

I would normally get home from work around 6pm, she gets home from work at more like 4pm, so she has had time to relax, kick up the feet etc. Then its basically dinner time.

Come time that we head off to bed, she is always too tired or has to get up early in the morning etc.

Then of course there is the times she wanted sex but I didnt which roughly translates to she wanted to have sex but didnt make that clear.

I dont know, I suppose more frustrating than not having sex for what ever reason is the fact that it appears to have an adverse effect on your relationship.
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post #12 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-17-2010, 06:52 PM
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Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Have sex before dinner.... work up an appetite lol.... My H and I had problems connecting physically when it was time for bed... but 5 pm is working pretty well
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post #13 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-17-2010, 07:18 PM
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Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

Madimoff,
Your wording makes me wonder if you missed the real theme here.

I truly put my wife first - I try to do all the things that make her happy. And I am pretty good at them. And it is also true that we have conflict as we are both strong willed. We do not use profanity with each other - I don't say hateful things about her as a person - I will however use a very sharp tone of voice and say "such a such is not acceptable to me and I would not do it to you". And sometimes we disagree and it takes a day or two for one of us to decide to make peace.

My wife - knows that sex is a WAY higher priority to me than it is to her. So she makes it a very high priority solely for ME.

After we started a sexual relationship - which was in our mid twenties - if she had EVER said she expected WEEKS of talking / cuddling between bouts of sex - I simply never would have married her. If she had been like that - it would not make her a bad person - just not someone I could be married to. I happily give a lot in my marriage - and in exchange - there is this one thing I am totally dependent on my wife for. And she really gets it. With the huge commitment of celibacy comes an equally large obligation and responsibility to please your partner.

And I also love all the non sexual things about her. AND now at 47 I am happy to lie in bed and talk and not have sex for a day or two because my testosterone levels are way way lower. But a woman who starves her man of sex simply isn't that into him. It really is that simple.

As for LIFE happening - LOL - that is good. Thing is - ANYTHING that is truly a priority in your life you can make an hour for it 3-4-5-6 times a week.

Right now my wife's libido is zero - truly zero. Has been for almost two months. Why does she make the effort to connect with me twice a week or so? Because she is truly deeply into me. Because it is her JOB to make sure I feel loved. Just like I kept working many times because it was MY job to make sure she and the kids had no financial stress.

She knows I love her - she knows that I am making an effort to have less sex with her. She also knows that I am NOT myself after day 5 - 5th day in a row without. When first married she would laugh and say I was edgy after missing ONE night.

And I would shrug and say - all that testosterone has a benefit and a cost. If you wanted a laid back guy - you had plenty of choices.


Quote:
Originally Posted by madimoff View Post
Ok from my perspective: sure women (men for that matter) can sometimes be accused of giving a psychobabble talk show response, but essentially 'life' can and does get in the way, although some would say you have to LET it get in the way for it to make any difference.
I think unloved's point about cuddling with no expectations of sex, talking, etc. is key. The phrase 'for a while' could do with some amplification, though.......I suspect a woman might think 'for a while' could be anything from a couple of days to a couple of weeks, while a guy might think an hour would do the trick. Wrong.
As for MEM2020's little list, well fair enough it might seem that way on the surface, IF there aren't any harsh words, IF there's never any criticism, IF she can turn her heart/emotions off in order to fulfil her man's physical needs........
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post #14 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-18-2010, 12:56 PM
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Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

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Originally Posted by Scannerguard View Post
Yup. . .I am not sure what it is with women and why when that wedding ring comes on, the sex frequency stops but it's a serious fear of mine about getting remarried.

I wish I had an explanation for you but this is common. I wish some women would talk openly about it and I am sorry. . .knowing there are very sexual women here. . .I just don't buy the "house is dirty", "the laundry needs done", or the "toddler was fussy today" stories anymore like I used to.

Guess what? The house is always a little bit of a mess, toddlers are always fussy and there is always laundry to be done.

While I can accept household disorder or life disorder driving down libido a little bit, honestly, I think this has become an "Oprah Club" misdirection for guys/husbands - a subtle way to use sex as a "commodity" to get you do things. I know it worked on me. . .the problem was I cooked, cleaned toilets, refridgerators, pantries, mopped the floor, scrubbed the bathroom tubs and showers, paid bills, took kids to doctor/dentists and never got the expected sex.

Ask her and just be on guard for the "Oprah answer."
I am a woman, and I have to agree with scannerguard. Seems that most women are like this.... they give women like me a very difficult position when it comes to marriage, as I actually like sex and am married to someone that is the epitome of what this post is about... he wont have sex if I say something off, cant get to the lauandry in full, leave a dish in the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher.... the same things your wife does to you.

The bad thing is there IS no answer other than that is how she is unless x, y and z are met. IT stinks! One think I have going for me is since Im an at home mom... I can help myself out during the day when he is at work and kids are at school... except darn laundry isnt done bc that gets left undone while Im in xtacy... no concern bc I got taken care of by ME

This is the very reason men in the 40-50's (probably throughout history) have had affairs. I so understand why now
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post #15 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-18-2010, 12:58 PM
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Re: Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?

To add... I think if any of us ends up in divorce over this... and we go on match.com or something... we should explicitly state want someone who wants sex everyday, or is at least open to it. Controlling, manipulative individuals need not apply
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