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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-25-2012, 02:07 PM   #91 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, Why Are Blowjobs so much work?

I am unsure whether the issues are strictly the same for men and women (other than the issues being compounded selfishness and misunderstandings).

I think it really depends on the individuals.

From what I have seen from men - the act of receiving a BJ is the ultimate act in seeing that your wife truly desires you above all others. It's an act where the man gives up his control, does not have to be in charge, and strongly relates to his wife showing him that she desires and admires everything about him. A lot of a man's 'manhood' is defined by his manhood, you know?

I don't know that women see receiving oral sex in the same way - some maybe do. But a lot of women also see receiving oral sex as one of the few ways that they can actually achieve an orgasm - something that a BJ is typically not for a man.
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Old 03-25-2012, 10:05 PM   #92 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, Why Are Blowjobs so much work?

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Originally Posted by Enchantment View Post
I am unsure whether the issues are strictly the same for men and women (other than the issues being compounded selfishness and misunderstandings).

I think it really depends on the individuals.

From what I have seen from men - the act of receiving a BJ is the ultimate act in seeing that your wife truly desires you above all others. It's an act where the man gives up his control, does not have to be in charge, and strongly relates to his wife showing him that she desires and admires everything about him. A lot of a man's 'manhood' is defined by his manhood, you know?

I don't know that women see receiving oral sex in the same way - some maybe do. But a lot of women also see receiving oral sex as one of the few ways that they can actually achieve an orgasm - something that a BJ is typically not for a man.
E That's what I don't get. I still can't get the concept of equating a BJ with what I bolded in your post above. I asked my husband about this tonight and told him about this discussion.

He does not see getting BJ's as having anything to do with how loved he feels. The quality of sex is important to him and my having sex with him frequently is how he feels close to me.

He likes BJ's because the feeling cannot be duplicated and it feels good.

If it is such an intimate act, why is the most common response to a man not getting one is that he can get one by a random woman?

That says to me that the desire for BJ from a woman is purely for his pleasure and has nothing to do with any special feelings from his wife.

If that is the case then who can blame a woman for lack of motivation. She is performing a service and if she gets anything wrong - poor technique, no swallowing .... her mouth can easily be replaced.

That is part of the atmosphere created around this act. I am not convinced that it has anything to do with love.

I say that honesty and with trepidation. I know the vitriol that will be unleashed.

I say what I feel honestly because if I feel this way, other woman do too. But they dare not say it. If you read the response to my previous post you can see why. Woman like to please men.

I do too but, I know that there are men who are strong enough to hear the truth and to figure out a solution. My husband is such a man so there has to be more than one.
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Last edited by Catherine602; 03-25-2012 at 10:13 PM.
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Old 03-25-2012, 10:13 PM   #93 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, Why Are Blowjobs so much work?

So why do I have no problem giving to my husband?

Because I want to see him relax and enjoy the pleasure. He never told me that BJ's had anything to do with proving my love or that if I loved all of him I would give him BJ's or that he would get it someplace else if I did not.

Attachment is an exchange of satisfactions. Are BJ's seen as the single most valuable way a woman demonstrates her love? For the men who feel this way, is any value placed on anything else she brings to a relationship?

If the value of what I give to our relationship was counted up in BJ and everything else has little or no value then I would have a problem. I would feel that nothing I did was appreciated except the pleasure that I give in BJ. I don't feel that way about myself.

My point is that elevating this act to the level of the most important thing a woman is required to do to show her love, makes it too easy to shoot down.

A low key appreciation of the pleasure of sex and BJ seems a better course to take.

Just a stream of consciousness. OK, send in the dogs
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Old 03-25-2012, 10:59 PM   #94 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602 View Post

That says to me that the desire for BJ from a woman is purely for his pleasure and has nothing to do with any special feelings from his wife.
Some guys say that... And will do it...
Others lack communication ability to express what they feel... All together are based on maturity...

And no it's not the you would do it if you love me thing, as heard in high schoolers...
But it sums up to a level of truth...
I can get it from somewhere else, but I won't... I want it from my wife, I want her to feel satisfaction from doing this for me, same as anything else I don't want to do, but because I love and respect her, I will...

And no... If I said I want it only because it feels good, she would not do it... Because that sounds more like an unemotional selfish request...

I stated its the passion one shares, we share a deep passion... Sex is passion... The desire can indeed be defined by the love people share...

Whatever reasons people decide to do it, is fine long as it works for both...
But nobody's feelings are ever wrong...

So it's not you'll do it if you love me, but you'll consider discussing it if you do.... But other than that, I stand by if you can't consider giving an inch, I'd never go a mile... Is that selfish? Maybe, but what good are two people if a relationship is one sided?
Especially in regards to sex...
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Old 03-25-2012, 11:22 PM   #95 (permalink)
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Sure the pleasure is there, but it's not from a warm wet mouth. It's from an act of submission that goes far beyond regular sex. It's the submission that creates the pleasure. Many guys will deny this, since it's likely to lead to fewer bj's but there you have it.
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Old 03-25-2012, 11:53 PM   #96 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, Why Are Blowjobs so much work?

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
Sure the pleasure is there, but it's not from a warm wet mouth. It's from an act of submission that goes far beyond regular sex. It's the submission that creates the pleasure. Many guys will deny this, since it's likely to lead to fewer bj's but there you have it.
I think you are right. I think submission is part of the male female dynamic. Woman that you would not think as submissive because they are ball busters in their careers may be very submissive with their mate. I've seen it many times.

I am submissive in my relationship but not in my public working life. Maybe that's part of the allure of BJ for me. It makes me feel feminine for some reason. Crazy, I know.
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Old 03-26-2012, 08:52 PM   #97 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, Why Are Blowjobs so much work?

It's the fact that he'll be so vulnerable to really enjoy a good bj that turns me on.

He's usually in so much control. But in the bedroom, I love his vulnerability. It's a nice window into his soul <3
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Old 03-28-2012, 12:00 AM   #98 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyFrogFlyAway View Post
First of all I LOVE the dogs.

Second, this is SPOT ON. BJ's are so many things rolled up in one for a woman...love, respect, submissiveness (in a good way ), trust, a desire to give our man intense pleasure, enjoyment, ect.

A man with the attitude "s*ck it 'cause it's all you're good for" is not going to get a good one, and frankly, doesn't deserve one.

On the other hand, wives who withhold them from good husbands because they have some misguided notion that they are demeaning, yucky, gag reflex, and a whole host of other excuses that can be overcome are being cruel.

There is nothing better than the feel of giving one, the taste, smell, and esp. knowing how it's making your man feel, hearing him moan, watching his face, feeling his hands in your hair, ect.

Why would anyone want to deprive themselves of that?
Amen Sister.
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Old 03-28-2012, 12:21 AM   #99 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, Why Are Blowjobs so much work?

Geez, after reading this, all I can say is: STBXH, if you're reading this, you were one lucky bazzturd.
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Old 03-28-2012, 12:45 AM   #100 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, Why Are Blowjobs so much work?

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
Sure the pleasure is there, but it's not from a warm wet mouth. It's from an act of submission that goes far beyond regular sex. It's the submission that creates the pleasure. Many guys will deny this, since it's likely to lead to fewer bj's but there you have it.
I've been saying this for years. Nice to finally hear it being admitted from a guy.



Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyFrogFlyAway View Post
First of all I LOVE the dogs.

Second, this is SPOT ON. BJ's are so many things rolled up in one for a woman...love, respect, submissiveness (in a good way ), trust, a desire to give our man intense pleasure, enjoyment, ect.

A man with the attitude "s*ck it 'cause it's all you're good for" is not going to get a good one, and frankly, doesn't deserve one.

On the other hand, wives who withhold them from good husbands because they have some misguided notion that they are demeaning, yucky, gag reflex, and a whole host of other excuses that can be overcome are being cruel.

There is nothing better than the feel of giving one, the taste, smell, and esp. knowing how it's making your man feel, hearing him moan, watching his face, feeling his hands in your hair, ect.

Why would anyone want to deprive themselves of that?

HOw is being submissive ever good? I'm just trying to understand your perspective. For me I would never be submissive, it just goes against my character.
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Old 03-28-2012, 08:24 AM   #101 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, Why Are Blowjobs so much work?

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Originally Posted by Catherine602 View Post
E That's what I don't get. I still can't get the concept of equating a BJ with what I bolded in your post above. I asked my husband about this tonight and told him about this discussion.

He does not see getting BJ's as having anything to do with how loved he feels. The quality of sex is important to him and my having sex with him frequently is how he feels close to me.

He likes BJ's because the feeling cannot be duplicated and it feels good.

If it is such an intimate act, why is the most common response to a man not getting one is that he can get one by a random woman?

That says to me that the desire for BJ from a woman is purely for his pleasure and has nothing to do with any special feelings from his wife.

If that is the case then who can blame a woman for lack of motivation. She is performing a service and if she gets anything wrong - poor technique, no swallowing .... her mouth can easily be replaced.

That is part of the atmosphere created around this act. I am not convinced that it has anything to do with love.

I say that honesty and with trepidation. I know the vitriol that will be unleashed.

I say what I feel honestly because if I feel this way, other woman do too. But they dare not say it. If you read the response to my previous post you can see why. Woman like to please men.

I do too but, I know that there are men who are strong enough to hear the truth and to figure out a solution. My husband is such a man so there has to be more than one.
Hi Catherine ~

I think there's simply a full spectrum - from those who feel that BJs are the most intimate, affirming act with their spouse (the emotional) to those that see it as simply a very pleasurable act (the physical) and everything in between.

I think how a person views it may depend on how much they see an emotional connection with sexual intimacy. Not everyone, men and women both, are constructed that way. For some it's purely physical, for others it's purely mystical. Understanding how your spouse views it - very important.

Best wishes.
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Old 03-28-2012, 08:28 AM   #102 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
Sure the pleasure is there, but it's not from a warm wet mouth. It's from an act of submission that goes far beyond regular sex. It's the submission that creates the pleasure. Many guys will deny this, since it's likely to lead to fewer bj's but there you have it.
Some would have a different viewpoint and say that it is the man who is in submission during a BJ with the woman in control. Some women find BJs empowering rather than submissive. The man is in a state of vulnerabillity - the most intimate part of himself is in a place where it could potentially be harmed and he does not control the pace so much - it takes submission on his part to not be in control and to trust his partner.
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Old 03-28-2012, 09:23 AM   #103 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Catherine602 View Post
E T
He does not see getting BJ's as having anything to do with how loved he feels. The quality of sex is important to him and my having sex with him frequently is how he feels close to me.

He likes BJ's because the feeling cannot be duplicated and it feels good.

If it is such an intimate act, why is the most common response to a man not getting one is that he can get one by a random woman?

That says to me that the desire for BJ from a woman is purely for his pleasure and has nothing to do with any special feelings from his wife.

If that is the case then who can blame a woman for lack of motivation. She is performing a service and if she gets anything wrong - poor technique, no swallowing .... her mouth can easily be replaced.

I say that honesty and with trepidation. I know the vitriol that will be unleashed.

I say what I feel honestly because if I feel this way, other woman do too. But they dare not say it. If you read the response to my previous post you can see why. Woman like to please men.

I do too but, I know that there are men who are strong enough to hear the truth and to figure out a solution. My husband is such a man so there has to be more than one.
The problem isn't saying it. The problem is imagining that your personal feelings and experience is a hidden truth and universally applicable.

There are women who report feeling otherwise. Are they lying or self-deluded whereas you have a clear view of the truth?

The argument that a blowjob is about selfish sensation can be applicable to any other sexual act. Every and any sexual act is capable of being undertaken in a completely selfish manner. This does not make it a necessary aspect of sex.


I find this statement simply sad, and fortunately not what I have experienced when giving or receiving oral sex

Quote:
That is part of the atmosphere created around this act. I am not convinced that it has anything to do with love.
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Old 03-28-2012, 12:40 PM   #104 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, Why Are Blowjobs so much work?

I think that some women feel obligated to be submissive because they believe that that is how their man feels loved, to be submissive when giving him a blowjob. Hence the reference "Submissive (in a good way)" This would not come from a place of love and respect on his part. Truly sad.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Enchantment View Post
Some would have a different viewpoint and say that it is the man who is in submission during a BJ with the woman in control. Some women find BJs empowering rather than submissive. The man is in a state of vulnerabillity - the most intimate part of himself is in a place where it could potentially be harmed and he does not control the pace so much - it takes submission on his part to not be in control and to trust his partner.
I think that either can be true. The woman can be made to be submissive while giving a blowjob or the man can be somewhat submissive while receiving a blowjob. It is all determined on how that act is carried out.
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Old 03-28-2012, 01:26 PM   #105 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, Why Are Blowjobs so much work?

I think that the man is being open, trusting and vulnerable, which is not really the same as submissive. If the woman is kneeling in front of him, trust me, he feels like she's being submissive (whether she actually is in her heart or not). And it is a good thing. It's a gift. Probably something that she only does with her man. When a woman is dominant in every aspect of her life, but then is submissive to her husband.....and only submissive to him in this or a few certain acts.... how can that be bad?

I read someone else posting here about being treated like a queen and in return treating her husband like a king. That's what I'm talking about. There are definitely some women who feel like they can't give an inch. They have to always be in charge and if they give up even an ounce of control they're somehow being taken advantage of. I imagine such women might not be able to understand how submitting in any circumstance could actually bring joy or comfort to the woman submitting.
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