Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Why are they so much work? I dont understand...I mean I go down on my wife all the time(about twice a week) and I love doing that to her because she gets crazy when I do it(although she never once has asked for it in 3rs of marriage, so I dont know if she cares for it that much)..but I dont find it to be work at all...I try new and different things in bed and so on.
Here's the problem...I get blowjobs about twice a month, ok I am very thankful for that, and whenever she has given me one I compliment her, I thank her for being my wife, I'll kiss her(after she spits out the cum, she wont let me kiss her otherwise), I think I'm a fairly good husband..like we have a romantic relationship and she's not overly stressed about anything, usually I only get blowjobs after I've been initiating by joking about it, or by literaly pointing my penis her direction in bed so she can feel it, even then she will often just completely ignore it, she'll look at me, then sometimes she will just decide to go to sleep...Or sometimes she will get up, go to the bathroom, come back, tie back her hair, and then it's like "she's ready to go to work on me" and I get my bone(blowjob), seems like she will not do it out of her enjoyment at all, but only because she thinks she absolutely has to, at that point it feels like I'm forcing her to do something she doesn't care for...but the blowjob is great at that point, it's just over half the time when I think I'm gonna get a blowjob, she'll either go back to sleep, or just want to cuddle or something, she touches my penis about 3 times a week, feels awkward having a hard on in bed all the time, and she clearly notices, but yet she decides not to do anything about it.
The Other times I get blowjobs is after I've gone down on her, she expects me to get on top of her and go inside her with my penis, but if I decide to lay down beside her and cuddle for a bit, she knows that I'm expecting a blowjob..so she either goes to sleep, or after a long while, she'll do that bathroom routine, come back, do her hair for 2 minutes, then it's back to work for her...she'll smile and stuff, but I know she finds it disgusting or something.
In the past (over a year ago) I would sometimes complain about not getting enough blowjobs, and actually got pretty frustrated because of her lack of initiating sex in our relationship, and I let her know(not in a nice way), but I have apologized, and have been very frustrated many times, but yet I dont show it anymore, I've become emotionless to the fact...I just think "if she doesn't want to do to me what she knows makes me feel loved the most then that's her choice" but yet I start dreaming about other women, how nice their lips would look on my penis, how sexy anal sex would be with them (another act she doesn't care to do with me-that she knows I Love), or any other sex that involves her getting out of her comfort zone...
Often in the evening she'll lay down on the couch and snore away, even though I've been kissing her all day, hugging her, telling her how I love her, saying she's beautiful, sometimes leaving notes and so on....If I decide to go easy on showing love (stepping back like some people here have suggested) our relationship just goes into the ****ter....until I decide to do something about it...she will not take the initiative.
Alright, that's alot of *****ing, and alot of it is the same as a lot of my other posts...but this is where our marriage is right now, everything looks bright and rosy to other people, even to my wife..but the way I feel is disappointed, frustrated, unloved(only will love me if I love her), and very lonely sometimes. I have spoken to her about this in the last year nicely, I have told her how sweet it would be to get blowjobs a little more often...but she feels insulted. I cannot suggest different things because then she gets the impression that all I ever think of is sex (hello, I'm a male, and I have a very high sex drive, this is how I feel loved the most, if you satisfy me in a physical way)
Heck she wont even initiate non sexual love towards me by coming up to me and kissing me, or massaging me or whatever..usually it all seems like work to her...but if I do it to her, she'll do it back..and she feels all loved then...but ONLY after I initiate anything and everything in our relationship.
So this is about more than just blowjobs..but blowjobs are just one major issue for us.
Any feedback/comments would be great, or advice is also greatly appreciated.
Hmm...... Well ill just give you my opinion on how i feel about it. I HATE bj's tht are just about getting my hubs off. He RARELY ever gets this- i just cant stand the taste of the "end result"- but with that being said, lately we've been having sex about 5-6times a week (yay finally our drives are the same, but anyways) and i think its safe to say that he gets a bj about 75% of the time. BUT heres the catch, we use it for foreplay, not the main course. This is saying that it may last only for like a couple minutes, to get him all revved up for us to get it on.....
Maybe trying initiating the sex more, and use it as a way to spice things up instead of the looking thing ur expecting/wanting.....
maybe she feels it is work or don't like the end taste, but the fact she does it shows she does care some don't at all.
i agree with Sweetie make it a before not the end... i know i get mad my hubby would blow and o yeah then done each time i blow him and that pisses me off (he is a one a night man ok if that)
he is a slow leak man he can come slow as i blow and even i have learned that that means he blows during and then the end or i get a 2 sec finish with sex and either way i loose.
communication, i now hard to ask for it all the time but if that is her way of giving it then ask every day? and talk about it... really
Well, I'll tend to disagree with the OPs. I actually LOVE doing this for my partner. I enjoy seeing him turned on; I enjoy seeing him get off. That is affirming to me and I get turned on because he is! However - we use it as foreplay almost exclusively because that is what he prefers.
Momof6 is right. You have to talk about it. What about asking her to sit down and make a list of 10 things that turn her on (either physical or mental things) and making your own list at the same time? Ask her to make sure that she includes two things that she likes but that she doesn't feel that you do at all or do enough (mental/emotional/physical - whatever). You can't be judgmental or harsh or take it personally - you have to listen to what she says and accept it. Then discuss the two things on your list that you like but don't feel that you get enough of. My suggestion would be to include one physical thing and one mental/emotional thing. Maybe this could start the conversation for you both to open up in a loving, non-judgmental way.
Dear married guy,
It sounds like you want frequent oral sex and you perceive your wife nit enjoying it. I am a woman so this is what I would want my husband to do. Next time you are close hugging up on the couch etc. start talking to her. You are probably wanting to touch her and iniate sex right? well don't...keep talking...some times what a woman needs is intimacy...shes being heard understood...this feels like she is being loved...you are playing with her hair or rubbing her ear lobes...she feels close to you, next time you get to this level ask her about she feels about going down on you. Does she like it? Does it turn her on? What can you do for her does she need some more forepaly from you? Does she have a fantasy? In other words talk around it, even kiss while you are asking her questions or do it while you are feeding her grapes. This is sex to me and before you know it...she is enjoying you. You listened to her so she feels loved and you get a blow job so you feel loved. Bingo.
I don't get it either OP. I don't get BJs that often and they aren't that 'enthusiastic' like they used to be. It's a chore now, she grips the shaft so high up she only takes a couple inches in which used to not be the case... And consider yourself lucky that at least you can finish in her mouth! I think it's cruel and unusual that she has never and will never let me cum in her mouth. I have to let her know when I'm cumming and she'll jerk me off at the end.
But to the original point, I don't understand why they're so much work either and I could say the same thing about intercourse. But BJs should be so much easier even. It doesn't take that long, there doesn't have to be a big mess and heck she doesn't even have to take off her clothes, right? I don't get it either bro... I'd be happy to spend time every day of the week if she wanted me down on her or pleasing her. In fact I probably spend well over an hour a week massaging her back or her feet; I don't see a BJ as being more work then giving a 20-30 minute massage (and the BJs last no more then 10 minutes).
I know not much help, just another voice concurring!
i will add i use to give them all the time (as a pre to se*) but now that he don't return the fav or i get the can you will you and when but when i do (he does the mmm oooo nice) during but after nothing like that was nice or sweet.... i get well nothing that day i may get so when will this happen again... ? really o well what you going to do o and remember i get to finish myself alone
OK, open your mouth as wide as you can and keep it that way for 10 minutes or so. Couple that with trying to keep up some sort of suction and avoiding the gag reflex and accidentally throwing up a bit when you go too deep and you'll see why it can be a bit of work.
That being said, I like giving blow jobs despite the bit of work and especially like the end. It's a huge turn on for me and I like to swallow - I don't mind the taste at all. H will only let me get him to the end during blow jobs a few times a month although he seems to really enjoy it when he does. The rest of the time he just likes it for foreplay for a few minutes. I don't think he has ever asked for a blowjob in all our 14 yrs of marriage (although I have to include that we weren't having sex of any kind at all for 6 of those years - reason I'm here).
That being said, I like giving blow jobs despite the bit of work and especially like the end. It's a huge turn on for me and I like to swallow - I don't mind the taste at all. .
WoW!
I believe that this is the reason why most females do not like BJ. They do not like the taste...
i actually LOVE giving bj's but i dont do it much anymore as he NEVER goes down on me.
as for it being work,it truely is.he is well endowed and i have to open my jaws SO wide just to take him in and it is very hard work to stop my teeth from scraping him.it really hurts.
another thing,i cant give a bj unless i know the hygiene is good down there.as after a long day there is an offensive smell which i hate.
Like Unloved, i'm one of those girls that like the whole bj process. From beginning to end!
While I think oral is a very important part of foreplay i don't think it should only be just for that. There is something so bonding about giving your partner some selfish pleasure when they need it. And without the requirement to return the favor. But the willingness is appreciated.
You've been married for 3 years? Same as me and Hubs. And we are still learning about eachother sexually. Just last month I learned Hubs had a little kink that he had never told anyone about. When I told him that I was OK with it it was like he had this profound sense of relief. And it is such a little thing! I had to try not to laugh when he told me!! I actually think it is a huge compliment to me.
Maybe your wife just isn't into giving oral. There is not much you can do to change that. But if you two talk maybe you can meet in the middle. The more overt pressure yo put on her, the more she will feel uncomfortable.
But it does sound like you are the one who puts most of the work into the relationship. Start there and the BJs may follow.
Or, maybe by SLOWLY working on the BJ issue AS WELL, you can work on the relationship. Maybe try turning into a 69 on the side position when you go down on her. Sounds like she enjoys it. Let her see that you are aroused but do not try to get her to blow you. Don't shove it in her face. Just let her know that it is there ready. If she doesn't get you off afterward, don't make her feel guilty about it.
Heehee my turn I love them! I have to agree with op's about them being work as well. You are a heterosexual man (Im assuming) and therefire have never had to keep your mouth in the open yet suctioned position, ,oving up and down and twisting about like we do. What you do can take as long or longer down on us, however, you are simply moving your maouth and tongue as if it were lengthy make out session... not as tiring on the jaw and cheeks... and ocassional jabs too deep in the throat
Historically, in our ups and downs we have had, if they take more than several minutes, and its the only sexual activity for the evening... meaning none for her... it becomes work. I personally dont understand not liking the taste, but I would not have married a man I didnt like the taste of If I dont swallow it means that I have done the bj as a nice gesture for him only and am resentful that its one way only... not that husband cares at that point hes satisfied and off to dreamland by that point. Now, I look forward to doing them out of sheer enjoyment bc our sex life is more mutual))))
Im in a similar, yet reversed boat, as you (being the higher drive spouse, yet a woman/wife). I found out this past weekend that husband was withholding and not affectionate etc... bc he was taking anything I said as an insult and that he wasnt good enough! I mean we are talking about windows and he takes it that he is not a good enough provider. I he is better than good enough... only get upset when he withholds and distances himself. SO, my point is to not steal your thread, its to say perhaps there is something going on inside your wife that has her keeping this sex out of obligation type attitude. As a ps... my husband has been all over me since our talk... every day He finally gets that I love him and want him and think he is good enough... so my advice is try to look for not so obvious, and perhaps nonverbal reactions to everyday conversations. Thats what I did and called him on what I saw. It was like a huge weight came off his shoulders, AND it was something that I wasnt doing or saying, but how it was being perceived based on some internal insecurity he has about my having left an ex with a ton of money. The money meant nothing, and still means nothing... BUT it means something to my husband. SO please try to look for little itty bitty nuiances... you may just break down a wall and get a more open wife!!! Best of luck!!
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Ladies, Why Are Blowjobs so much work? 
