qbert

If you're seeing me post a lot of things, it's not that I think my wife is horrible, it's just that we've had a lot of "issues" over the years and I haven't been able to talk about them, so I'm kinda unloading.

First, we have a very healthy sex-life. We take care of each other and don't seem to have any problems there. But, since the beginning, she's been worried about me masturbating. She gets very upset thinking about it and has a hard time believing me.

I've searched this topic before and actually found quite a bit of it out there. I'm hoping to get some advice myself, though.

For the first year I literally didn't masturbate at all because I was trying to start fresh. Also, because we slept in the same bed (due to her having a hard time sleeping and me snoring and moving, that has changed. I sleep in a different room now). I finally started slipping back into it, but still tried to avoid it out of respect to her.

Part of why I started up again is because I started to grow suspicious that SHE was. I remember one night walking in to say something to her and it was pretty obvious what was going on under the covers. I asked, not really upset, but she fully denied it.

That made me a little frustrated. I went through a phase where I felt betrayed. There kept being evidence of it, she eventually admitted to it happening "occasionally" but not all the time, though I started noticing signs more and more frequently, to the point of every night. Even on trips, I'd wake in the night to feel her doing it next to me, but she would deny it. Eventually I began spying on her through the crack in the door and know for a fact now that it's nearly an every night thing.

I've since come to the epiphany that this ISN'T CHEATING and there's really nothing wrong with it. It's more like self-massage. It's something she can do and make herself feel better, take away stress, sleep better. Maybe she just needs some "me time." She has a lot of body image issues that makes sex uncomfortable for her sometimes, so being able to just be free and feel good is probably a great stress relief for her. Okay, fine. I can understand it and I'm much happier for having accepted it. It actually seems like a wonderful, positive thing now.

BUT if I were to admit to her that I do SOMETIMES, not nearly as frequently as her, I'm actually afraid it might destroy our marriage. She has such an issue about it and constantly accuses ME of it. For me to masturbate would be cheating in her eyes and I don't think my self-massage theory and positive outlook could rub off on her.

I guess I'm asking, what should I do? Should I bring all this out in the open?

Again, I try to avoid it because I know she wants me not to do it, but it seems so hypocritical that I've lost some of the motivation to NOT do it, especially when it seems like such a natural thing to do.

Oh, and she also says she HATES porn and would be mortified if she caught me with porn. I'm not really a porn guy, but I look on occasion, not for the other women (I really only do have eyes for her), but for the act. She's gotten to where she checks my phone and computer for it and finds anything to question, even sites that aren't really porn, but might have a weird ad on the side or something. This has gotten me to check her stuff, too, and I've found a small amount of porn searches on her computer. I confronted her about it once and somehow I became the bad guy in that argument ... don't remember how. Anyway, this is something else that I would WANT to stop out of respect for her, but when I know she's doing it to I have a lack of motivation to stop. Again, it seems hypocritical.

But she really is sensitive to it and really does seem deeply hurt at both ideas.

But, point is, masturbating AND porn, both of which she does and hides, both of which she's suspicious of me doing and could never accept it, despite that I accept that she does it. What do I do?

Blah! Got that out! Never told anyone. Help, guidance, anything would be very helpful.

SweetiepieMI

Hey, sorry for all the drama. I would suggest to just bring it up in a conversation. But with doing that make sure that its conversational, not confrontational. Then explain that in marriages, there needs to be compromise. And since she is doing it, then it only makes sense for you to have the same release on occasion. I would suggest possible try sticking to watching porn together. Maybe let her know that youre willing to stick to self gradification 2 times a week or something....

See how that goes... Maube try mastubating with her. One night when you wake up, and you know shes doing it... instead of just being like "you are arent you!!" instead join in on the fun. See where that takes you. Hope it helps....

HappyHer

It sounds like your wife has some major insecurity issues. Masturbation is healthy and can add to the relationship unless you are using it to avoid intimacy with your partner.

As far as the porn, that is an individual preference and many women feel it's not a good thing. That is really up to each couple to decide on how to work with it.

I would say some deep communication is in order.

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qbert

Yeah, I really do feel like it's a nice release for her. In fact, now that I'm over the jealousy (in fact, I really feel silly about ever being jealous about it) I'm all for her masturbating. Seems like a wonderful, stress-relieving massage.

The worry I have is that she would basically never accept that I do it, and it's such a natural thing I don't like hiding it from her.

Don't think I could ever get her to watch porn. She thinks it's horrible and would never believe that it has nothing to do with the girls in the movies. I really don't have any interest in other women at all. But, I know we could both get really turned on by porn and I know she's looked stuff up on her own. But, still, I'm totally fine not using porn or trying to get her to watch it. Never have. Never will as long as she seems uncomfortable.

We do masturbate together and it's wonderful. And that's how we make her orgasm most of the time. I'm just happy to see her feel good and have that release.

Her masturbating comes in large part because we don't sleep in the same room (she can't stand snoring and such).

I know there have been many nights where she's stayed up for hours and hours masturbating while she reads books. I want to make sure she's okay, because she thinks so negatively about masturbation and porn, but then she hides it and accuses me like she's paranoid. I want the whole thing to be open and free and comfortable for both of us. I don't want her to have such conflicting emotions in side of her.

qbert

Yeah, she really does have a lot of issues about her looks (and she's really gorgeous so it boggles me). She constantly thinks she's fat and ugly (she's skinning and beautiful), has had eating disorders. She's also concerned that she's bad in bed or I'm attracted to other women, etc. etc.

But from my side of things, I married WAY up. She's gorgeous and more than I could have ever hoped for physically and sexually (and every other way, but I'm sticking to the thread topic). She has nothing to worry about from me.

Oh, and she's not using it to avoid she also wants sex a lot and we always take the time to make her orgasm. I really think she's just doing it to take care of herself and feel good and relaxed and that's wonderful! I want her to.

It's the conflicting worries she has about masturbating that worry me.

And I won't push porn on her. I'm not really a porn guy. If we did start watching together I think it would get us both really turned on and relax us both to the idea, but I won't push it at all. She gets really upset even mentioning the stuff. And she's really really jealous of other women. If I even happen to be looking at the tv during an underwear commercial or a sex scene in a movie or anything, she gets upset and accuses me of wishing she looked like that woman or saying I get turned on by them. And I really don't. I'm only attracted to her!

Freak On a Leash

Your wife has some serious issues. Is she seeing a therapist? If not, she should.

Holy crap. This is an amazing thread. I don't even know what to say. Do you people ever just relax and enjoy each other? Seems like it's a constant series of issues and battles in your house.

qbert

Unfortunately, no. I really feel like it could benefit her, because I know she has issues from her dad being controlling, growing up overweight, being date-raped when she lost her virginity, her mom committing suicide, her ex being abusive, and even now with us and the troubles I've caused.

There are many valid reasons for her to be having trouble and I would love to help her through these things, but she is very resistant to help or helping herself.

I would love to get us both in a program together and separately. I know I have a lot of problems, too, from a bad childhood, alcoholic parents (though I don't drink), abusive parents, growing up fat and poor, etc. We could both definitely benefit, I just don't know how to get her involved. She seems to think I'm all the problems in the relationship and I'm the one that needs to change.

I agree with her, but I think she needs help, too.

Anyone know how to get someone into therapy when they're so resistant?

Freak On a Leash

You cannot change her. Period. You only change YOURSELF and how you react and deal with her. Right now you are her personal doormat and she has NO incentive to get into therapy.

That changes when YOU start dealing with her and making it clear to HER that you won't put up with her crap. When YOU start setting limits and parameters on what you will put up with. When YOU start walking out of the room when she starts her crap MAYBE she will start to adjust her attitude and actions. Until you do there is no incentive or reason for her to change. It will go on and on indefinitely. Get it?

There are no CONSEQUENCES to her actions. None. Instead you are bending over backwards to "please" her and accommodate her madness. Why change then?

I've posted in other thread of yours about how to deal with her. In a nutshell, walk out of the room when she pulls her crap. Walk out of the house for a few days and show her what her life will be like if she continues to resist getting help for herself. Tell her you are leaving if she doesn't start to help herself. Now she has no reason to change ANYTHING.

She sounds like she's had a horrible life. I feel for her and I've had my own issues too. I think most of us have but there's no excuse for her to make YOUR life miserable. She's got to get a handle on herself and you can't "make" her happy. She can only do that for herself. She's just like a drug addict or alcoholic in that she's addicted to behaving badly towards you and probably everyone else around her.

I'll bet when you have a fight she brings up all the horrid stuff that's happened to her in an attempt to make you feel guilty. True or false?

del88

Masturbation is a totally natural thing and most people do it, although not many like to admit it. I say, if she's by herself under the sheets, then who cares what she's doing under there. Try not to turn this into such a negative.

qbert

What are you talking about? I don't think you read any of that. I didn't turn anything negative. I told you I had trouble in the beginning, then came to accept it, and now I feel it's a very positive thing.

The problem is that she's very much the opposite; would never accept it, accuses me all the time even when I don't, and if I was open with her about it, see talks about divorce. Completely hypocritical.

turnera

qbert, a lot of people have posted to you, suggesting that you and your wife live in a perpetual world of tit for tat. Do you see it?

It is VERY unhealthy.

You are NOT side by side.

You are side AGAINST side.

How can you have a healthy marriage until you learn humility, STOP one-upping each other, and work - and talk - together for a common goal?

You didn't start masturbating because she WRONGED you, so you now have an excuse to do what you wanted to do in the first place.

You went LOOKING for a reason to GET to do what you WANTED to do in the first place.

Marriage is not self-preservation. It is caring enough about another person that you gain pleasure out of seeing THEM happy.

What can you show as an example that either of you are doing to make each OTHER happy?

qbert

Out of everything I posted THAT is the one thing you picked up on and ran with?

I said that was PART of the reason, I didn't give myself an excuse for it.

We're side-by-side for about 70-90% (sometimes 100%) of every day and our marriage works great and we're very happy ... until one or the other does something and then we have a LOT of trouble with each other.

And just because I'm talking about things that I dislike and problems that we have, there's no reason for you to jump to these conclusions.

I do plan on creating a thread about how much I love my wife and all the ways we have a good relationship, but I'm posting these threads for a reason, too. Not to be talked down to, but to get advice on these real problems.

turnera

No one is talking down to you. You do seem to have a chip on your shoulder, however. No matter what anyone says to you, you shoot back at them with reasons why they are wrong. What good does that do?

You two obviously are not enjoying each other like you should, based on what you describe, and people here are offering suggestions for making your marriage more enjoyable. It's as simple as that. No one can make you listen; that's your choice. But what people are suggesting will make a difference for you, if you would just stop being so defensive and think about the suggestions. It's up to you.

qbert

I've been listening. I prefer to listen to people that actually read what I write. I realize it's a lot, but it's like you're talking about a completely different topic than what I am, so what's the point of you posting?

And I would say YOU have a chip on your shoulder about men, because I was asking about my wife masturbating and her concerns about me. You jumped on me giving excuses for myself, which I wasn't and had nothing to do with the topic here.

Try reading again. Have anything to say about what I asked about?

qbert

How about this. To summarize what I rambled about up top:

I'm fine with my wife masturbating.

She would NOT be fine with me doing it. She gets paranoid and mad at me and accuses me even when I didn't do it.

See the issue?