Thoughts of cheating but I love my wife - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-19-2010, 10:43 AM Thread Starter
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Thoughts of cheating but I love my wife

I am a first time poster and hoping to get some valuable input on my problem. My story may be a little long but I don't think there is a short way to get everything in there.

My wife and I have been together for about 14 years. Of course I am biased, but we are a beautiful couple. We have a great house, and two healthy kids 5 and 6. Fortunately my wife has a very good stable job, I on the other hand am currently unemployed.

So now my job is the stay home dad and that is the way it has been for about the last 8-10 months. At first I didn't mind it but now it is starting to gnaw at me. I take care of the kids, get them to school, work out, pick up the kids, shop, clean, cook dinner, clean up dinner if my wife doesn't, and then try and relax. My wife usually does a good job of helping around the house. She is a neat freak, and that is why I try so hard to keep the house clean after the kids mess it up. For the most part the cleaning of the house goes about 60-40 with my wife being the 40. To be fair though she usually does the laundry and pays the bills.

I have recently found out that I may have a torn rotator cuff. That did not help out this weekend. My wife and I work out religiously so this doesn't help matters. The thought of not being able to lift upper body kills me. Some may laugh at this but I have been working out for the last 22 years and lifting is a very important part of my life. I have no problems going in to lift lower body, I just can't stand the idea of my upper body atrophying. My recovery could take up to 9 months.

Now comes the problem. I love almost everything about my life except for one thing. There is hardly any intimacy anymore. As most relationships go I would imaging there is a lot of sex in the beginning and after many years and a few kids it tends to taper off a bit. At the current state it averages around once a month. One year I was so furious I had to keep count just for my own curiosity. We barely broke double digits! I am no doubt very over sexed. I usually try to initiate by playing with her clit or her nipples. We have great communication and have brought up the lack of sex numerous times and there is still no improvement. Although she did tell me this last time that those are not always the buttons to push. I was glad she told me, now I know. So many of the times when I would try to initiate, it usually ended in vein. When we had sex it is usually on her accord. So now I am at the point where I don't even want to have sex with her. Better stated I resent having sex with her.

So what do I do? I really do love my wife but I can't stand this anymore. I am at the point where I have considered other women, but my wife deserves better than that. I know what cheating does but I just cant help but think of it as an alternative. We have talked about this so many times I am so tired of it. I often wonder if my wife is being satisfied somewhere else hence her lack of interest in sex. But she hasn't given my a reason not to believe her. I know I am leaving some things out, just not sure what. If anyone has any thoughts please chime in!
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-19-2010, 11:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Thoughts of cheating but I love my wife

Something that I have left out. This has been going on since before our first child. We had problems conceiving with both of our children. So many times the sex felt more like a chore and lost all sense of pleasure. So through the years to combat the lack of sex I have resorted to taking care of myself rather than cheat. I would often relieve myself through out the week. Then on the chance of us having sex I noticed that my erections were not that hard and often times I would lose them. So this often makes my wife feel like I am not attracted to her. Which couldn't be farther from the truth.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-19-2010, 12:57 PM
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Re: Thoughts of cheating but I love my wife

How old are you? As a man ages he loses testosterone (about 1% a year after age 30) and he needs more stimulation to have an erection. You "taking care of yourself" just before you have sex is definitely a way to not achieve an erection. If you are going to continue down that path, I would try and figure out when my wife is going to want sex (is it the same time each month during her cycle, weekends, etc) and I would not "take care of myself" during those times when the chances of you having sex are greatest. I know this is not fullproof, but is better than nothing. I would suggest however, that you have an open, and frank discussion with her on what your needs are (be prepared to listen to her needs as well) and just state them to her. You are entitled to sex with your wife on a regular basis (what is regular is between you two). You both will likely have to compromise there. Part of being married is to be intimate with your spouse. It is not the only part, but a major part nonetheless. My guess is that there are some other issues between you that may be involved here, maybe some type of resentment on her part about you. As for the possibility of her cheating on you, I would not mention it anymore, but I would suggest installing keylogger on your computer (if you two share it, and checking her cell phone records (texts and calls). Almost all cheaters use at least one of these to cheat. If something shows up, then you can gather proof of it so she cannot lie about it or try and cover it up if you accuse her, if she is not cheating, well at least you will know and will not have accused her of anything. Good Luck!
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-20-2010, 05:33 AM
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Re: Thoughts of cheating but I love my wife

Maybe she gained resentment over the way that you were trying to initiate, as you mentioned she finally told you that the way you were was not the way to turn her on. How long was that going on? If that was a long standing pattern, then resentment surely set in on her part as it was building in you as well.

many women after having children do not crave sex as they once did, and I hear especially working moms (no matter how much help they have from their spouses). I cannot speak to that directly as I have a high sex drive and am a stay athome mom, but I do hear about it on here and from my women friends in those circumstances.

If you suspect she is cheating (as she is away at work all day and has easy access to "coming home late or leaving work early to do so, then do that keylogger install or check cell. As already said by the OP, do not bring it up with her again... I believe even if you obtain proof this way... its not legal and therefore not "evidence." To obtain real evidence would require hiring a PI who knows the laws where you live.

That being said, I cant say whether or not she is, but just because she is not interested does not mean she is. The thought has crossed my mind as well with my low drive husband... bc what guy is low drive with a good looking wife? He swears he is not (bc I did ask, bc of the same reasons as you).

Things are not always as they appear and even if you are getting along in your marriage does not mean there arent hidden resentments and THAT can cause a spouse to have lower interest in sex.

I like the suggestions of not mastubating at times when you think she may want sex and maybe try coming onto her with romance instead of erogenous zone tickling... she may respond better and appreciate that you listened to her Good luck!
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-21-2010, 07:32 PM
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Re: Thoughts of cheating but I love my wife

You say that you love your wife but then say that you are considering cheating. As they say here in Texas "that dog won't hunt". The two are polar opposites. You cannot in one breath say you love her and then say you are considering doing the one thing that will destroy her world, her life, her confidence and her faith in you and the marriage. You will get caught. Maybe not early on but you will eventually. Then what? Cheating is not an option.

Having said that I think that something is going on. Perhaps she feels resentful that she is taking care of all the bills and providing all the financial support for the family. It is an unfair thing to project on you but it is pretty ingrained in alot of women that men are the providers, despite if we work. It sucks and it is a rotten thing to feel. I know that when my husband was laid off and it took him nearly a year to find a new career, I thought of him differently. I became more controlling and everything he did bothered me. I felt resentful because I was having to work so many extra hours to support us. Sex dropped as I wasn't attracted to him as much. Here's what's weird about that last part, it wasn't that I wasn't "attracted" to him as he is a very good looking guy but rather his woe is me attitude about his life. He became depressed and a totally different person and it was NOT a turn on. I don't know if any of this applies to you but men are so hard wired to define themselves by their jobs that when they lose it they lose their sense of identity and therefore project a totally different personality. Does that make sense?

Please have a heart to heart with your wife and don't do anything that you will not be able to EVER reverse.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-22-2010, 09:06 PM
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Re: Thoughts of cheating but I love my wife

Have you asked your wife what does turn her on?? I know I like to be hugged, kissed, caressed, etc...more affection types I guess and then go to the "sensual" areas :P I don't really enjoy when he just goes right to the point, it feels like he's just doing it for himself. Maybe try initiating in a more affectionate way. Do up a bubble bath and bathe together, then give your wife a massage. She might also like to have sex in the morning at other times. Her libido might have decreased since the kids.

If all else fails, maybe see a sex therapist. Lack of sex doesn't ALWAYS point to an affair and having that thought in the back of your mind will always leave you doubting and untrusting.

I also don't think cheating on your wife will solve any problems and will most likely ruin your marriage.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-25-2010, 10:25 AM
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Re: Thoughts of cheating but I love my wife

First things first, your post has many many issues to take in but here's the start, very blunt becuase there is much to cover.

The cheating problem: Do not do this. Any new fling regardless of what woman or how exciting for you at first, will eventually settle into this same routine with you and your wife now because the problem is not your wife, the problem is with you.

Also do not fall into the trap of thinking just if your woman is not interested in sex with you then she is not interested in sex with some affair man.

A woman is needing sexual drive as strong as a mans, and her fire is not lit by you then it is like dry kindling waiting to be lit by maybe some affair man that does light her fire, much like you are tempted to do yourself with some affair woman.

This scenario is far to common and if you are having these issues it is danger to your marriage.

The stay at home dad problem:

I am not known in this forum to be politically correct, so neither in this area as well. Do not underestimate the effects of being a follower to your woman to kill her sexual desire for you, and that is what your post is telling me.

You are needing to stop this following your woman, it is killing any sexual attraction she would have for you.

If you are to stay at home dad that is up to you, but it needs to be YOUR arena that you are running that show and the house duties, not trying to please your woman or other such things, trying to appease your woman or follow her leading.

You are only doing one think in her eyes, looking like a little boy that she is the mother to come behind him to make it proper.

Also this is the same for stay at home dad, as it is for the man who is losing his job or unemployed or not as professional as his woman in making money or any other reason is waiting on his woman to support him, and that is simply this: His attitude is not dominant in such scenarios.

Understand this one thing, no matter what the relationship, the money, the profession, the employment situation, in the sexual relationship one thing matters, that the woman sees her man as in control of himself and his environment, this is both attitude and behavior.

If the man is unemployed and staying at home that is fine, but in attitude he is still to give the behavior and confidence of being in control of himself, whether to work towards education or establish career or even the house husband, regardless he needs to take the ownership of his arena and show his woman the mettle he is made of.

So instead to say 60/40, instead say "This is my responsibility I am taking care of it". So to claim 100 percent of the house duties, even if this means you are delegating some of the tasks to the children, an outside cleaning service, or even to delegate this or that to your wife. See though the difference, that is ownership, and that is dominance, and that will make you look very much a man in your woman's eyes, and not the little boy!

And to this worrying about upper body lifting? Look, if this torn rotator cuff is causing this kind stress to you, you need to count your blessing because there is much worse things to be happening then 9 months of upper body atrophy.

Weight injuries are a your body commnicating to you, either there is problem with form or nutrition or rest, but listen to your body. Instead to worry about this or that upper body, instead to enjoy the "downtime" and do, maybe, even more squats and lower and full body exercises.

And after the injury is healed, keeping up with squats and lower body work, your upper body routine will return with a vengence!

I wish you well.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-04-2010, 11:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Thoughts of cheating but I love my wife

Thank you all for your input!!! I just wanted to update. Since talking with my wife things seem to have really improved. At least for the time being. I think it was just one BIG bump in the road that will hopefully stay in the rear view mirror now. Since talking, my wife and I have been having some of the most incredible sex of our relationship. We have opened the doors and started trying some new things that have made our sex life much more exciting. As for the cheating goes, looking back I think I was just talking out of complete anger! I grew up with a brother who broke a lot of womens heart by cheating. I saw what it did to the women and vowed that I would never do that to anyone. I love my wife dearly, and seem to be even closer with her now than I have in the last 14 years. Hopefully things will stay the coarse. Again thanks for all your help!!!
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-05-2010, 12:31 PM
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Re: Thoughts of cheating but I love my wife

Well that is fantastic news! Way to go.
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