Red_Riding_Hood

To be perfectly honest, I have a low sex drive. So I want to know, is it more important to let my husband have sex with me as much as he wants and not really be into it? Or do guys prefer that women put forth more effort even if it means less sex?

bumpgrind1

For me if the wifes not into it(and she never is) I'd rather just masturbate and fantasize about her. If the woman is not into it it feels to much like rape and I just feel dirty after. I wish Eve had left that fu**ing apple in the tree.

Millania007

come on men! where are you today? I like your question Red Riding Hood, I am interested in hearing what the men have to say. I would "think" that men would prefer us to be "into it" more than just "giving it up" all the time. Quality seems more important to men but I could be wrong..

MEM11363

If I was with a woman who could not/would not teach me HOW to slowly get her into the mood - that would be the end.

And for me - if this all had to start with a long slow non sexual massage that slowly/gradually got more sexual - no problem.

But if getting someone relaxed/with massage and then slowly doing things that turn a person on - gently caressing inside of thighs - if that would not work with a woman - I would be out.

And - oh - I AM married to someone who has a MUCH lower drive than me. She has simply taught me how to turn her on in a way that feels nice to her. Because if she tried to limit me to her frequency - we wouldn't be on year 21.

Just like she would tell you that if my idea of foreplay was 2 minutes of kissing before intercourse - she would never have married me.

seahorse

Man here. Yes quality trumps quantity.

The trick is to discover what "quality" means to each of you, then do that. (Sizzle)

Scannerguard

Yes, if you are going to force me to choose. . .I would say quantity.

I can remember thinking too when I was younger that not only was it quantity, but I wanted every lovemaking session to be explosive, mind-blowing, earth-shattering connecting sex.

I have "matured" a bit and it's okay if my future partner just takes one for the team 1x/week or something.

I think it's okay for a man to just enjoy his woman's body and say thanks once in awhile.

Remember. . .sex is how men love so when your mate is asking to have sex with you. . .he is trying to arrive at love. I know that's a difficult concept for women to wrap their heads around sometimes but it's true.

PS: Dr. Ruth recommends when there is a mismatch of libido to do the following:

The high libido person gets to choose to when to have sex.

The lower libido person gets to choose the position so there's more enjoyment on his/her part.

Seems like a good compromise.

Longtime Husband

And to the OP, I would say that I always have to laugh just a little at your point of view. One of the ways I've gotten my wife to "get it" a little more when it comes to my need for sex is by simply making her understand that her telling me that she loves me just doesn't mean all that much to me if I'm not getting laid on a pretty regular basis. This is an eye opener for her because "words of affirmation" is her #1 "language". So I usually can drive my point home better by simply asking her how she would feel if I were to ONLY tell her that I love & appreciate her once per week.....and ONLY if she started the conversation by first telling ME that she loves me & appreciates me.

But to answer the original quality/quantity question.....(as MEM sort of points out) if my wife isn't making a pretty decent effort in ONE of the two areas, no amount of the other is going to make me feel anything besides a little dissatisfied and resentful. But that's just me.

russ101

Definitely quality over quantity (although both would be the best option). I would much rather have my wife have sex with me just once or twice a month if both times would be "quality" times. My wife will have sex with me about 30-40% of the time I ask her, so if I ask her enough times, I can actually have sex several times a month. The problem is, it has to be dark, she usually just drops her panties, and turns her head, laying there motionless until I am done (no kissing, foreplay, etc). It feels like "chore or obligation" sex. Its not good. I would much rather have some quality sex less often. Then just take care of myself in between those times. I think its terrible to have sex with someone who obviously doesn't really care if there having sex or not.

mike1

Both are very important, period. Quality means nothing if you have great, hot steamy sex but it only happens once a month or two (or less). And quantity might be equally unsatisfying if she lays there like a dead fish every other day.

I think quantity can edge over quality generally speaking though. From personal experience it's frustrating that my wife can't be intimate more often even though her sex drive is lower then mine. (Sounds like this is your situation red_riding_hood).

I do a lot of loving acts for my wife and show enthusiasm when doing a lot of things I would rather not do because I love her and it's important for me to show her that. It's important for me to do things that make her happy because I want her to be happy. Make sense? So like I said it frankly pisses me off that it seems like sex can be such a 'chore' for her even though I spend a much greater percentage of our time doing things for her. I can't speak for your husband but I know for me it can get to feel like I am not a priority for her when she neglects me sexually. Another poster here said it well that saying I love you doesn't mean a lot when there isn't sex involved on a regular basis.

I have never been able to understand why sex has to be such a big deal and a chore to some women (mine included). Take 10-15 minutes a few times a week to take care of your husband's sexual needs. If you're anything like my wife you spend more time then that daily chatting on the phone, updating your facebook profile or catching up on a soap opera (fill in your own activities here).

It really isn't fair IMO for the lower sex drive spouse to dictate how often sex is going to happen. I mean what if you decide you're only into it once every 8 weeks? Is that okay? I think a lot of it has to be decided, you can decide to act loving and just because you're not hot and bothered it doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't enjoy being sexual with your husband.

marriedguy

I have to say Quality beats Quantity any day..but is there a way I can have both?
Honestly, there's been many times that I have had sex with my wife and afterwards feel frustrated because I have often felt the sex has been very one sided, and that can leave me feeling like I just took advantage of my wife...it just feels awkward..left feeling unfulfilled..
There are times though where the "animal in me" just takes over..where I just wanna rip my wife's pants of and start humping her like a dog in heat..and it's kinda funny because when that happens(I dont actually rip her pants off) it seems like she enjoys it the most...
but back to the question...and I guess quality can mean many different things for different people, what I find high quality sex may not be the same thing my wife finds high quality sex...

But..when we actually do end up having hardcore quality sex and it's both of our versions of high quality, I have to say that is the best sex there is...often I think back of my first sexual encounter with my wife and I still feel to this day that was the best sex I ever had...with the passion at such a high level, hearts beating fast..both of us sweating and not giving a crap about the surroundings..but only about each other..just being totally in the moment and enjoying it and not worrying about technique or worrying about "am I pleasing her?" or "is she ok if I touch her..here?" Damn...that's the kind of sex I'm after...

OneMarriedGuy

Unfortunately, we are humans,(yes, ladies even the men ) and as humans we tend to be more aware of when have not then what we have.

So in the end whichever one you are short on will be the one drawing your attention at the time.

I suppose if given the choice I would definitely pick quality, but would always be hoping the great quality would lead to greater quantity AS WELL. As in she's really enjoying us together, surely she will want to enjoy this more often

I suppose it may be a matter of balance as well...One really great time per year may not really do the trick

marriedguy

Definitely..you would think that great Quality should lead to Great Quantity...however the reality is more like Great Quality=less sex because it can lead to one of you being exhausted and leaving the other frustrated because they want to experience it again but cant because their partner has no desire at that moment or any moment soon in the near future as they are too damn tired.

MEM11363

HOLD THE PRESSES

No way would I EVER have sex if my wife turned her head, wouldn't kiss me, didn't want any foreplay. WTF?

That is a huge slap in the face.

Scannerguard

http://static.oprah.com/download/pdf..._checklist.pdf

This is what Dr. Oz recommends - 2-3X/week.

Sex is anti-aging.

It's how I bedded my last girlfriend. I told her that I was only thinking of her health and wellness and wasn't I such a peach of a guy for thinking only of her?

Crypsys

I think maybe try and figure out why you have a low sex drive might be the first thing to do Red. Is it physical (low progesterone, etc)? Or is it emotional (Not enough emotional contact with hubby, etc)? Sex is just as a vital portion of marriage as all of the other tenets (Trust, emotional love, etc).

I know I'm not a Dr. or anything but to me if someone doesn't want physical intimacy with their spouse at LEAST once per week, something is wrong (emotionally, physically, etc). I always like to say if your not physically intimate with your spouse then they aren't really your spouse, but a friend. A spouse has a duty to provide both emotional and physical love to their other-half. If both needs are not fulfilled, both spouses should work together to figure out where they are falling short and what to do to fix it.