Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
My husband wants me to sleep with another man. I have been married to my husband for twenty years. We have had a very good sex life, especially in recent years. We have progressed into what some might say is kinky activities. Role playing, watching porn together, sex toys, but we have never, ever stepped outside our marriage. Lately, DH has confessed to me that he wants me to sleep with another man. He said that it would turn him on even if he wasn't there and I just told him about. He tells me that he loves me and seems frantic that I am so upset by this.
I feel betrayed and very upset. I feel that I should never have begun some of the crazier things in our marriage and that it has led to this. I feel sick at the thought that this is not the man I married. I feel sad that he would like to share me with someone else. I have always felt treasured by him and valued.
This is very upsetting to me and I am barely thinking straight. I would love some opinions on this.
This is a very common fantasy. Some make it reality -eventually- most don't. It does not mean he does not treasure you. I love the idea of my wife being turned on by other men.
So we can see from this that men divide into two groups. Men who get jealous, and men who don't. By definition, to want to share you, he does not sound like the jealous type. Jealousy is a killer in many situations, many a life has been ruined by it's alternation between slow smouldering and fast burning.
So not being jealous is basically a good thing. However, the flip side is that a woman feels more "wanted" if her man is jealous. However, the same woman will feel stifled by an overly jealous type. Take your pick.
if anything like my marriage... don't do it. you are not comfortable by it and really don't take the wanting to share personal but.... this may be a sign he wants to try a women and thinks this will open the door or maybe he truely wants to step out of the box and maybe see if he is enough for you.
all in all you have tried different things and marriage is about talking and exploring. Since your not comfortable with it let him know you don't want to be with another man (maybe that is what he wanted to hear ?) let him know you will (if you want) explore things for the two of you but this is not one of them...again don't take it harsh for a request is ok as long as when you turn it down he is ok with it.
after so many great years of marriage (you seem to paint it that way) then trying other things this may be one step in his mind.... again breath and let him know your reasons your not into being with another man and move past it.
Your husband is being honest in sharing his fantasies of you having sex with another man. If you have read some of the thousands of cuckold stories on the internet, you will realise that your husband is not really "abnormal".
Some men love their wives so much that they crave to give them a special reward for being such a wonderful wife for so many years.
A loving H can sometimes feel that the best reward could be to let his wife flirt with other men - and he usually takes his "consenting wife" out and buys her lots of sexy clothes so she can feel and look her best when she goes out on dates.
It is usually several months before a wife finally decides that she would like to try a night out with another man. She does not rush into it when her husband first suggests it. But it can grow on her as the weeks go by, and the shock of what her H has proposed wears off.
Im sorry that you feel so hurt and upset by this. I can completely understand how you feel. Sex, ideally, is something special shared between two people to express love and what your husband is asking you to do is going against this principle.
I would recommend if you dont feel comfortable with this- Dont do it. Dont feel pressured and trust your instinct. Sometimes when you open the door to something it is very hard to close. And I think that if you are pushing the boundaries of marriage to include other people, then what applies to you will also be ok for him.
And if you try this, whats next? Sex is fun and I think its great to experiment and be kinky.... but it is supposed to be an expression of the bond you have together and the intimacy you share. You have to draw a line somewhere for the sake of the love and for the sake of your marriage.
Thanks for all the responses. I really appreciate as I have felt so desperate to hear from someone.
I am not going to do it. Right now, I feel like I never want to have sex again. This is definitely a line that I am drawing. I just feel sad that H isn't drawing it at the same place. I feel disconnected to him.
I cant really comment on this too much, but Ill try. I feel similarly to MarkTwain in that there are 2 schools of men... jealous and not. Since you have had such a wonderful marriage to this point and know that he loves you, keep believing that and try not to take this as a sign he doesnt love you. My first husband loved me enough to have an open marriage, even though neither of us acted on it, or at least I didnt, but I also wasnt concerned if he did... I wanted him to be happy and if that made him happy, great.
I think its alot of pressure on a marriage to assume that one and only for life is always enough. For some it is, for others it isnt. You feel shocked that your husband isnt a one and only man anymore. Take some time to think it through and maybe believe that it is a true gift for a spouse to love and trust enough to allow something like that. My new spouse is very jealous (even though he states I am the jealous one.... he doesnt know at all). I feel trapped my his mentality... my last husband was not jealous and I never had a thought of cheating... this possessive one, I do.
It may be hard to grasp, and I also wouldnt jump to the conclusion that he is trying to open up the door of "I let you, now you have to let me..." ask him if its simply a fantasy of his or if he wants to have an open marriage, then you will have your answer. You cannot go into this or not go into this without that knowledge as you will be more conflicted. If its truly just a fantasy of his and you cannot do it, then role play it a bit within the marriage. Maybe set up an IM chat with your husband and merely just describe an encounter, a fictional one, with another man and indulge his fantasy a bit... he may get off on just hearing about it. FInd a romance novel if you cant creatively type about one and type in the first person an encounter in one of those books, pretending its you. See how it goes, as it sounds like he would love to hear about that. I mean you didnt state that he wanted to watch you, so he doesnt have to know that you never did!
My current husband got aroused just talking about a threesome, saying it was really cool I brought it up. I thought that meant he really wanted us to. I registered on Adult Friend Finder to find someone and then asked him who he wanted me to look for and he even said "you know my type..." Then, I got nervous and told him I couldnt do it, I was having trouble finding someone, and he said he didnt want to either, he just thought it was cool we were talking about it. I was in tears bc I was so nervous, but it was all just the talk he liked.
Just read your follow up... please dont punish him for expressing this to you... it will ruin what you have described as a wonderful marriage. COnsider the last part of my previous reply to you before writing it off... so that you can indulge him without leaving the marriage bond sexually.
Good ideas here. I certainly don't want to punish him for bringing it up. I always want to hear about his fantasies. I just feel heartsick, but it has only been a few days. I am sure I will feel differently soon.
I realize that this is a common fantasy, but it is not one that I understand at all. I have no desire at all to see my H with another one. I SO do not!
But most fantasies just end there. . .just talk. And they probably SHOULD end there.
But you bring up an interesting theory and I wonder if it's one the forum, who tends to be oversexed and undersexed yahoos. . .how healthy is it to continually explore fantasies and something "different" all of the time?
When does the slope become slippery and then you end up, as in your case, with TMI?
You regret going to all these different places now with your husband and then your sex life, in one fell swoop, became "over-kinked." Maybe it's time to just go back to intimacy and love vs. "the kink."
I tend to think of sex like a diet - the "kink" should be like the bag of Ho-ho's you have once or twice a week. The intimate part of sex shoud be your marinaded, grilled fish and salad with balsamic vinagrette. Morning sex should be like oatmeal - kinda boring but it makes you feel good the rest of the day.
The whipped cream? Well, that's on Saturday nights
You are a wise one - I bet you have been married a long time. My H said to me once, "The more we do it, the more I want it". Well, now, I am know I am good, but am I that good? Probably not. It is addictive, eh? over kinked is a fantastic word
Not as wise as you think - I am divorcing. Married for 15 years.
With that does come some wisdom and learning. I read a book the other day - "Divorce and New Beginnings". In it it tells me that I have to drop the anger and truly get at the grief that is hidden and finally, to thank your ex-wife for all the non-material gifts she gave me in marriage, that all relationships enrich you in some way.
It's so painful to think about. . .I must admit I am blocking it for a month.
Anyway, I am in a people profession - a chiropractor. Someone wise once wrote - "Life is a show and doctors have a front seat to the show."
I feel ER docs and family docs actually have the front seats but the view isn't bad from where I practice - 5 or 10 rows back. You get to learn a lot and see people at their worst and best - cranky and thankful.
Anyway, my orders are to change your sex diet to something a little more nutritious. You got sick on all the ho-ho's and whipped cream.
Please don't be too hard on him! My wife and I have been married 18 years and just recently (a couple of months ago), I finally admitted to her that I wanted watch her doing it with another man. She was very shocked that I had this fantasy (I have had it for a long time, just never told her about it), and was also upset. She then admitted to me that she had lived out this fantasy with her first husband and that she said it contributed to her eventual divorce. We never actually did it. We are in marriage counseling currently (for unrelated reasons) and we decided that if we were to ever do this, it would have to be after our marriage was much stronger (it just may stay a fantasy). Many men have this fantasy just not many acutally live it out. Men are visual so I believe that is why more men than women have the fantasy. If your'e not comfortable with it, then tell him. If he loves you, he will respect your wishes.
I think this fantasy is much more common than we realize. For me, it is best left in the fantasy realm. This is among my H's fantasies but as he and I have talked through this and others we have seen that for us, there is a firm line between fantasy and reality. That is to say, we're happy to talk about it (and I know my talking about it reliably drives him utterly nuts with excitement which is... helpful) but this is not something I am going to do - EVER - in real life.
If you're not comfortable even talking about it, or incorporating it into your regular fantasy-sharing or whatever else you do, by all means tell him. But I think you must also recognize that he probably had this fantasy for a long time, and it took some courage on his part to share it with you. So I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt.
If you never want to discuss it with him again, perhaps the approach might be to thank him for sharing the fantasy and honor the courage and honesty it took to share it, and then within that context let him know that it's so difficult for you to imagine, and such a turn-off to imagine, that you want to share other fantasies altogether. I would argue that the courage and honesty to share these kinds of things is the source of intimacy, and I would argue further that this source is precious and fragile. If you have found that source in your marriage, in my opinion it's worth protecting and nurturing.
There's nothing wrong with the strong feelings you're having but at least for me, I know when I am gripped by very strong feelings it is time for me to not react lest I throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak.