My wife isn't sexually attracted to me anymore... is there any hope for us?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 10-21-2013, 11:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife isn't sexually attracted to me anymore... is there any hope for us?

Hi,

I've been married over 10 years, am in my late 30s, as is my wife.
This year has been rocky... we've been fighting a lot (verbal, never physical), and invariably my wife would tell me during the fights that she felt trapped, or wanted us to have more time apart, doing separate things. Now, we've basically spent most of our marriage together. I mean, 24/7 almost.. working together, playing music together, but it always just kind of worked. It really did. Her mom lives in another country, so she goes to visit her 2 or 3 times a year, I'm left home alone. I like time by myself, for the most part. But this year I feel she just began to feel 'trapped' and has basically said that she sees us now as just friends really. We haven't had sex in months... I don't know why exactly. I've felt probably awkward around her (I've put a bit of weight on - not a lot, but I've lost my confidence. She says that hasn't bothered her at all and I believe that, but it bothers me). But during sex she was never really ever that aroused by me... it would hurt often. So ... yeah, that made it awkward I suppose. She never instigated sex, so that felt like even more pressure on me.
She refused counseling whenever I've mentioned it in the past. Basically because whenever she's had counseling before for her own stuff, she always felt it wasn't helpful at all. And trust me, I've been to counselors where we live and I can believe that.

So this year has been explosive, and she's been away for a couple of months - she had something of a nervous breakdown. We're in touch via email, and I was hoping the time apart would be a good thing, but now I really think it's done the opposite and pushed her away. Today she told me outright she didn't find me sexually attractive in that way. That devastated me, but I did suspect she thought that.

I can't imagine not being with her. She's absolutely my best friend. I'm in pieces today - I've cried on and off all day, all night. I've self-harmed in the past and even tried to commit suicide - I'm really not good with coping with loss.
She knows this and I think that's only making it worse cos she'll be feeling more guilty over it all, but if she's not attracted to me that way, that's it, right? If the spark has gone, how on earth can it return? I've tried being romantic when she's around, but I think she just finds that awkward cos it's me.

Is there any hope?
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Old 10-21-2013, 11:26 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default My wife isn't sexually attracted to me anymore... is there any hope for us?

Time to investigate. I smell a third party.
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Old 10-21-2013, 11:28 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife isn't sexually attracted to me anymore... is there any hope for us?

I just want to say sorry that you are here.

I don't know if there is still hope for your marriage.

I do hope that you have a trusted "real life" friend you can speak to.

I would encourage you talk to a professional if you are feeling like self harming or have thoughts of suicide.

Good luck to you and be safe.
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Old 10-21-2013, 11:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife isn't sexually attracted to me anymore... is there any hope for us?

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Time to investigate. I smell a third party.
No, I don't think so - her problem is she's too honest with that stuff. She's cheated in the past, about 7 years ago (not sex), and told me right away.
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Old 10-21-2013, 11:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife isn't sexually attracted to me anymore... is there any hope for us?

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. That must have been so painful to hear her say those things. You said you aren't good with loss and I can relate to that. I wish I could get angry and standoffish but I usually default to self blame and depression.

Is there hope - there's always hope. However, it rests in her hands right now if she comes back. You can be certain, though, that any groveling, begging and making yourself look weak is not going to help your cause. Please take care of yourself and try as much as you can to be the person she fell in love with.
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Old 10-21-2013, 11:30 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife isn't sexually attracted to me anymore... is there any hope for us?

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Originally Posted by where_are_we View Post
I just want to say sorry that you are here.

I don't know if there is still hope for your marriage.

I do hope that you have a trusted "real life" friend you can speak to.

I would encourage you talk to a professional if you are feeling like self harming or have thoughts of suicide.

Good luck to you and be safe.
Thank you. I don't really have a friend like that I can talk to ... that's pretty sad! :/ My wife's really my best friend, that's the hardest part about this, and she's really in a mess in her head any way.
I've been to my doctor, and he basically stuck me on depression meds.
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Old 10-21-2013, 11:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife isn't sexually attracted to me anymore... is there any hope for us?

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I'm sorry you are feeling so down. That must have been so painful to hear her say those things. You said you aren't good with loss and I can relate to that. I wish I could get angry and standoffish but I usually default to self blame and depression.

Is there hope - there's always hope. However, it rests in her hands right now if she comes back. You can be certain, though, that any groveling, begging and making yourself look weak is not going to help your cause. Please take care of yourself and try as much as you can to be the person she fell in love with.
I appreciate that, thanks. Yes ... I'm the first person too when it comes to begging and whatever. Do I give her an ultimatum or say we shouldn't be in touch for a while maybe?
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Old 10-21-2013, 11:32 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default My wife isn't sexually attracted to me anymore... is there any hope for us?

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No, I don't think so
Of course you don't. Well it sounds like you've got it under control.
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Old 10-21-2013, 11:32 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife isn't sexually attracted to me anymore... is there any hope for us?

Collective experience here is that there's probably someone else. Don't dismiss it unless you want to find out way too late to be able to do much about it. The most honest people become the biggest liars on the planet as soon as they're interested in someone else.
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Old 10-21-2013, 11:33 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife isn't sexually attracted to me anymore... is there any hope for us?

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Of course you don't. Well it sounds like you've got it under control.
...? I don't know if that's sarcasm or not - my head's not in the best place to tell, sorry.
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Old 10-21-2013, 11:33 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife isn't sexually attracted to me anymore... is there any hope for us?

Does she feel the same way - that you are her best friend? Depression meds are probably a good idea during this time of uncertainty.

It might be time to make some new friends and find some new hobbies and ways you can spend your time that don't involve your wife.

Adding because I just saw your follow up question - no / don't they no younshoild give her an ultimatum. I think you should not contact her. I think you should wait for her to contact you and not be available slbecause you are out making friends and finding new hobbies.that do not involve her.

I became severely depressed after my engagement was broken (his was before my husband.) The thing I now regret most ably that time of life is not the loss of my finance but the way I. ruined myself for him and showed hm my weakest side . That kind of behavior has saved no relationship ever.
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Old 10-21-2013, 11:34 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife isn't sexually attracted to me anymore... is there any hope for us?

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Time to investigate. I smell a third party.
You have to find out what you are up against.

Rule out another man first. Just my 2 cents.
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Old 10-21-2013, 11:35 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife isn't sexually attracted to me anymore... is there any hope for us?

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Originally Posted by clipclop2 View Post
Collective experience here is that there's probably someone else. Don't dismiss it unless you want to find out way too late to be able to do much about it. The most honest people become the biggest liars on the planet as soon as they're interested in someone else.
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Thing is, we're literally always together. She doesn't drive, isn't working, etc.... so I'm actually sure it's not that. I'm not saying it's not what she WANTS to happen. It's probably/definitely that.
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Old 10-21-2013, 11:36 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife isn't sexually attracted to me anymore... is there any hope for us?

My first thought was that you need to work on yourself, first and foremost. Your wife isn't likely to regain (assuming she ever had) that sexual spark for you if she can't respect you. If she's just staying with you because she's worried about you, the most you're likely to get from her is pity.

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Old 10-21-2013, 11:36 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife isn't sexually attracted to me anymore... is there any hope for us?

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Originally Posted by MissScarlett View Post
Does she feel the same way - that you are her best friend? Depression meds are probably a good idea during this time of uncertainty.

It might be time to make some new friends and find some new hobbies and ways you can spend your time that don't involve your wife.
Oh, 100%. And I think that's been the downfall here - we're like brither and sister or something at this point rather than lovers.
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